I need some advice please

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hoffnung

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Hello all


I hope someone can shed some light for me....


20 years ago I last sat on a horse. That was when I was around 17. I started horseback riding at around 10. I now want to take it up again but.... there is something that is making this difficult and this is what I need help or advice for ....


When I grew up, we had a few horses... I experienced abuse, so did the horses. I dont want to go into more detail, just want to say there was sexual abuse and torture that I experienced and saw at the stables. It also involved horses.


If you are still reading ... thank you....
I have been in therapy for 9 years, have healed a huge part of my spirit, and feel extremely grateful to still be alive but there is something I want/need to do and that is go back to horseback riding. Go back to owning my own horse, which now as an adult I have a chance to care for and love. I guess it is my way of working through the fact that I could not help the animals that were abused infront of me. I was too small...


I will be moving to Ireland in about 2 months and would like to buy a horse once I have settled into my new home. I have been researching for ages what horse would suit me best but I am at a loss.
I am extremely excited that I will get my own horse but equally terrified. I would like a horse that is gentle and slow...ish.... When I grew up my father's horses were very hurt which led them to have terrible behaviour problems. I was terrified of them because they threw me off a lot, I was in hospital many times (my father was a psychopath who set up the fall - too complicated to explain), one time I remember one of the horses galloped passed me and my father and kicked at me or him, im not sure (it breaks my heart having to say this...)
I cant explain how terrifiying the time with horses was for me as a child, although I loved them dearly. I still love horses, they are such spiritual beings... and I want to reconnect with them again.


I wonder if anyone out there could help me with choosing a horse... not suggesting whcih horse, I know I need to find him/her myself, but maybe what sort of temperament would suit me?


I am looking for a horse that is tall, a gentle giant. It needs to be gentle and it needs to be laid back enough to endure me shaking outwardly and inwardly. I will be afraid... I think I will cry of joy and fear at the same time. As stupid as it may sound... I need a horse that wont hurt me....


The person I will buy the horse of will have to know this story... as I think I will need this person's patience when I first meet the horse.


I really dont want to be a pain for people and I usually keep myself to myself but I have realised that I need help with this, I cant do it alone. The horses owner would have to be non judgmental and patient.....




Hope I didnt sound too pathetic or demanding. hope my post hasnt upset anyone and hope it was OK to post here....
thank you
Mia
 
Suggest you go to a riding school for a while to reestablish your relationship in all ways with horses, riding, welfare, mucking out etc, because the horse you are looking for are like needles in a haystack and cost a lot of money. Hope you find what you are looking for to make the rest of your life less painful.
 
I don't think you are ready for your own horse, best thing to do is take lessons at a good riding school and gain confidence. Even the gentlest of horses will sniff out a nervousness in the handler and thus will take the mickey with you, and sooner or later it will become too much for you..
 
It sounds like you've had some nasty experiences- I am very sorry about that.
I suggest going to a local riding school at first, until you are confident riding and being round horses again. If you were to get a horse, then find it hard to cope, you would have to go every single day, which is an extreme amount of pressure for anyone, and you might need to give yourself a bit of a break. With a riding school, you can take it all as slowly as you like, while making sure you are safely instructed by a BHS instructor. You would probably want to start with a steady horse, to build your confidence up slowly until you get the hang of it and become a bit more comfortable, perhaps on loan, so you could return pretty much whenever you wanted within the rules of the contract. Then if you felt you weren't progressing, move onto a more difficult horse.
But yes- I suggest going to a riding school and getting professional advice before going and getting your own.

Correct me if I'm wrong anyone :)
 
I am so sorry you had to suffer so much. I agree going out to buy a horse straight away might not be the best way to go, you don'nt know how you are going to feel straight away. No one could help you decide which would the horse that you will connect with, other than perhaps suggesting an older more confident equine. I agree a riding school (private session) might be or a good idea, or have you thought about contacting some one through an equine therapy group such as the following

http://www.equineassistedtherapy.org.uk/
http://www.eagala.org/Information/What_Is_EAP_EAL

Good luck with your continued recovery.
 
If you get yr own and find it difficult you may end up reliving all those years you want to forget in your head, so agree with others go to a RS first and enjoy it.
 
As others have suggested, I think the best route is to begin with lessons, to regain your confidence and to heal your relationship with horses. As you describe the physical manifestations of your emotional state, may I suggest that you perhaps start with horses that have been used in Riding for the Disabled lessons (RDA) - many riding schools will have such horses, and they will be used to all sorts of things, will be very quiet and accommodating of their riders needs.

Also, once you know whereabouts in Ireland you will be, members here could recommend places for you to go.

Good luck.
 
I don't know if a riding school is the right place to start being around horses again. You have many feelings, memories and scars connected to being in contact with horses and riding schools are not set up to be able to help you deal with these sorts of consequences and how you may feel

Have you looked at somewhere where they use horses for therapy, explain your story and see if they can help you reconnect? I only say this as I don't want you to get into a situation where you need the support of a trained therapist and find that there isn't one there.

Take your time to find the right horse...keep your options open as you will be surprised about which equine friend you will 'click' with!
 
God there are some sympathetic people here tonight :rolleyes:

As others have said, going straight into getting your own may be a bit much. Might I suggest you find a local Riding School or even an RDA centre where you could even just spend time grooming before riding. You may be surprised how distressing it will be for you to be around horses at first. This way you could refind your love for them without the pressure of the responsability.
 
Slightly Foxed, who the hell are you to make such a judgement?

Hoffnung, that's an awful story. I agree with Striker and Romany that given your situation it would be better to find a different way to re-establish your relationship with horses before buying. Horses are wonderful creatures, but their behaviour can be challenging and their owners need experience and an attitude which I think you might not have right now. If you can find a riding school by word of mouth/recommendation then perhaps if you explain that you are trying to overcome some personal issues they will help you.
 
Thank you so much to all of you and again, I am very sorry if I have upset some people. This was not my intention.

I cant believe I have not thought of this before - therapy riding lessons. This sounds so right and I will def. take this advice on board. The last thing I want to do is cause harm to a horse, not even emotionally and I think you guys are right... I dont know how I will react when confronted with a horse again. I feel a bit silly now that I hadnt thought of it myself... careless...

We will probably move to Kerry, near Brosna. If anyone knows anyone in that area who could provide such a service? therapy riding sessions please let me know.
Thank you for the link magicmillbrook, I will take a look at it after I send this post off.

Thank you again for your support.
 
I think the RDA idea is brilliant. Why not help out as a volunteer and gently get back into being around horses again before you start having lessons? Then you'll be in a much safer position to decide if you really want all the responsibility of horse ownership, which is a massive long term commitment. Or you could help out at a rescue charity - they are always looking for volunteers.

You need to be strong enough to buy a horse without depending on the goodwill of the seller - it is not advisable to put yourself at risk by purchasing an unsuitable animal, so I hope you can wait until you are able to judge for yourself temperament and "fit for purpose" of any animal you might view. There are so many unscrupulous sellers around!
I wish you all the best with your journey. : )
 
Magnetic Sparrow said:
Slightly Foxed, who the hell are you to make such a judgement?

Hoffnung, that's an awful story. I agree with Striker and Romany that given your situation it would be better to find a different way to re-establish your relationship with horses before buying. Horses are wonderful creatures, but their behaviour can be challenging and their owners need experience and an attitude which I think you might not have right now. If you can find a riding school by word of mouth/recommendation then perhaps if you explain that you are trying to overcome some personal issues they will help you.
Click to expand...

Thank you magnetic sparrow. I feel deeply saddened but agree with you.... It may be a long road for me until I can have my own horse.... But I am willing to put in the work...

I just would like to ask of people who feel in any way upset about my story not to reply to me. I understand it is upsetting but I carry enough shame with me to last me a life time, I dont need any more. I have not mentioned the little details to upset anyone. I mentioned them because they are a part of me. I am sorry if that is unacceptable.
 
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ozpoz said:
I think the RDA idea is brilliant. Why not help out as a volunteer and gently get back into being around horses again before you start having lessons? Then you'll be in a much safer position to decide if you really want all the responsibility of horse ownership, which is a massive long term commitment. Or you could help out at a rescue charity - they are always looking for volunteers.

You need to be strong enough to buy a horse without depending on the goodwill of the seller - it is not advisable to put yourself at risk by purchasing an unsuitable animal, so I hope you can wait until you are able to judge for yourself temperament and "fit for purpose" of any animal you might view. There are so many unscrupulous sellers around!
I wish you all the best with your journey. : )
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Thank you :)
I really needed to hear this. Im glad I came here.
 
Dont apologise, life is a bittttch, there are you and others who have suffered terribly at the hands of others, but you are here to tell the tale, so your journey to
recovery is just starting, grab it with both hands and go forward, you will surprise yourself just how strong you really are, good luck
 
I'd just like to add, if and when you do buy a horse, don't divulge your history to the seller. They don't need to know it, and may well take advantage of your vulnerability. By the time you are up to buying, you'll be able to 'feel' the vibes from horses you are interested in. Good luck.
 
Wow Hoffnung, to ask for help on this kind of personal issue takes a lot of guts, so well done you for asking and being prepared to take such big steps on the road to recovery.

I agree with what others have said that perhaps getting to know horses again in a relaxed 'therapy' type of approach may be the best initial step. Remember that horses look to us for guidance and leadership to a certain extent and if you yourself are still (totally understandably) feeling a bit vulnerable, you might not be able to give that reassuring leadership to a horse of your own straight away- do you might end up with creating a very nervous and behaviourally challenged horse that will set you both back to square one.

Finding a horse that can mutually reassure you and you can reassure him/her will be so rewarding for you both when the right opportunity comes will be amazing and totally worth the wait.

Give things time and have faith- you can do this! Good luck xxx
 
Nothing really to add, but I just wanted to say welcome to HHO. I hope you stick around because there are some wonderful people on here who want to help, support and guide you wherever your journey takes you. You're very brave to come here and open your heart to strangers, and I hope that you one day find your perfect partner.

Meanwhile, come back and see us again and update us on where you find yourself.

xxx
 
Im moved to tears, thank you so much striker, regandal and melody grey.
it all makes so much sense. I have been so naive (I do get like this from time to time! grr)


Melody grey, especially your post has moved me.... thank you so much

PS, I would like to continue talking to people about my progress regarding horses, share the highs and lows, but Im unsure if this is the right board. You all sound very confident and professional; or are there any newbies here who still have to get used to horses? :)

To be honest, I havent found this place yet, no one wants to stay and be confronted with this poop. Ah well, who can blame em.

Thank you again guys, you really made all the difference.
 
diamonddogs said:
Nothing really to add, but I just wanted to say welcome to HHO. I hope you stick around because there are some wonderful people on here who want to help, support and guide you wherever your journey takes you. You're very brave to come here and open your heart to strangers, and I hope that you one day find your perfect partner.

Meanwhile, come back and see us again and update us on where you find yourself.

xxx
Click to expand...

Thank you! Im glad I can stay here :) Thank you...
 
Hoffnung - not everyone is confident and all professional. It is a great place to learn (I have) and if you want a kinder response there are sections you can go to.

There is a thread around with the title something like 'what made you join the forum'. A lot of people are novices and worried about posting x
 
I don't often post but your bravery has really moved me.
I agree that buying your own horse at this stage might not be best idea for you or the potential horse but, as Churchill said, "There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.” :)
When I returned to horses I found a place that took you out on escorted hacks. I rode numerous different horses there until I eventually rode the most wonderful horse ever!! I could have cried when we got back to the yard, he was perfect and we totally clicked in a way I hadn't with any of the others & I always asked for him after that.
If you could return to riding in this way, through a school or, as others have said, through therapy riding, it would allow you to find that perfect partner without pressure. It would be a great shame to buy the wrong horse, have your confidence knocked and set you back further.
I wish you all the very best & please do keep us updated on where this all takes you :)
 
I agree with the RDA idea, as a volunteer and maybe ask if you can ride one of their horses. I work with adults abused in childhood and thank you for your post. To those who feel such stories should not be told, that is exactly how abuse continues to be perpetrated, by the rest of the world not wanting to know!
 
I'll second what Fides says - we're not all confident! I haven't ridden my mare for months because of confidence issues but I love being around her.

75% of what we know we've learned from the horses themselves, 20% from other people and the rest is instinctive, which may surprise you, but trust me, when you eventually find the right horse (or s/he finds you, as happened in my case) you'll understand what I mean.
 
It would be great if you could stick around and keep us posted on how you get on. As you may have gathered already we are a disparate bunch, so there is always the risk that people will write stuff that offends or upsets you. Please try not to take the hurtful stuff personally, and just weigh up the helpful suggestions and choose the path that is right for you.

Good luck in reconnecting with the horse world, and I hope the experience brings the healing you need.
 
I have to say, what very sympathetic, sensible replies. I know there are programs that specialise in using hippo therapy for victims of abuse - even if you can't find a program near your new home perhaps it would help you to contract one of those organisations and ask their advice. Nothing you say will surprise them and they may have some useful thoughts on your situation.

I would also second getting involved with a renaming charity. I guess you might find that a bit hard to take but, equally, you might find it tremendously healing to be able to help. Only you can decide.

Re the forum, perhaps take a look at the New Owners section.
 
Fides said:
Hoffnung - not everyone is confident and all professional. It is a great place to learn (I have) and if you want a kinder response there are sections you can go to.

There is a thread around with the title something like 'what made you join the forum'. A lot of people are novices and worried about posting x
Click to expand...

That sounds like a good place to start! Thank you
 
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