I need therapy but it's expensive - the HHO Forum is free so help?

[millreef]

OK, where to start? First, thanks for reading this so far - you'll probably regret it so sorry in advance. So, I'm in my 40's and restarted my life with horses about 4-5 years ago when my husband bought me my horse. I used to ride once a week for fun but realized that I need to be a much better rider to help my horse fulfill his potential. I also have a horse crazy daughter now. I've been doing more and more riding and organizing shows at school and with pony club so I had a bright idea. I thought I'd enter for my stage 2 riding exam. I got my stable management 22 years ago and when I go to Morocco (where my horse is located), I organize all the childrens' lessons and pony camps etc. I thought if I get my Stage 2 exam I could then do the PTT and get a proper qualification in riding.
Problem is ...... I am so, so, so nervous EVERY SINGLE time I ride. I ride here in Hong Kong on riding school horses. I got myself worked up into such as state tonight (I rode 2 hours ago and I'm still crying and shaking), that I burst out into tears in the lesson. I was so frustrated with my riding and with being scared about what may happen. I picture things happening all the time. One of my instructors said I've got to get out of my comfort zone but honestly, that would mean just sitting on a horse sometimes! When I push myself, I feel sick (nearly vomited last week) so I've jumped a couple of courses and I've jumped quite high (for me anyway) at 90cm but I nearly had a heart attack. So what do I do to stop feeling like I'm a crap sandwich everytime I ride? I was so brave when I was young and now I'm a coward. Help and advice would be greatly received.

 

[liveryblues]

Hi there, sounds horrible! have you thought of a sports psychologist? Apparently they are meant to be excellent at unlocking the reasons why you get so nervous? My daughter went through a bad stage of nerves when competing, she found rescue remedy to really help. Not sure if it was a placebo sp? affect or not but either way it gave her a psychological boost. Hope you get it sorted xx

 

[squirtlysmum]

All is not lost! I too was a very brave rider when I was younger but through a couple of accidents really lost my nerve. Take even the smallest things as an achievement and as a positive step. Try to concentrate on small and achievable goals first off and as time goes on you will realise those have become ordinary tasks and you can go on to set yourself another goal.
At the mo it sounds like you are putting way to much pressure on yourself, you have a life to live and plenty of time to achieve things. discuss things with your instructor and ask them to help you set the smaller goals during lessons and tell them you want to take thing slowly. The only thing that is stopping you is your own pressure.
Hope this makes sense!!

 

[Keltic]

First of all BIG (((()))), try to stop beating yourself up about it. Try some relaxing thing instead have you heard about a cd called ride with confidence? its like a self hypnosis type thing. I tried the jumping one and it really helped. Also can you get some rescue remedy? Both of the things ive mentioned helped me, im also very aware im not as young as I used to be and I have a mortgage to pay!! lol Have a look at the confident rider series if nothing else they really help you relax!

 

[intouch]

Emotional Freedom Technique - EFT - Check out www.tapintoheaven.com.
It sounds flakey but it really works. You can do it for yourself, but find a practitioner to kick start, it can be done over the phone. I've used it successfully with quite a few people.

eta - I just checked that site out, there used to be a lot of free stuff on it but doesn't seem to be now - try googling for more info or PM me.

 

[tallyho!]

Maybe you could take up professional golf? I hear the worst you could do was bend a club in two... never heard of a vomiting golfer although that depends what time she/he rolls out of the clubhouse I guess.

Come on girl!!! Stop being so silly, you're only 40 - whats that??? You ARE young and it's only horseriding at the end of the day. I don't think anyone can help you with your anxiety issues but I for one could say that you should get help to get over your irrational fears and either keep riding or........ not. Choice is yours.

While I'm at it, why so much pressure on yourself?

 

[Lydz13]

What is it that upsets you so much? Can you pinpoint it? You say you're frustrated by your riding - why? xxx

 

[ThePony]

You sound v similar to me! I would feel sick to my stomach and really panic before riding. No reason to at all as my mare is a legend, but it wasn't always being scared of riding that made me so panicked, but also the pressure I put on myself to always do better. (you can imagine what I lovely person I am at comps with a mess up like this!!).

For me the whole 'pushing out of your comfort zone' and a tough love approach from instructors is worse than useless. I put alot of pressure on myself and I do know when I have done things wrong, so having someone trying to push me more and always pointing out the faults really takes any last scrap of self confidence away. Fortunatly I have found an excellent instructor than understands what a basket case I am and has really helped my mare and I improve the most incredible amount, we don't get away with doing a crap job of something, but he is supportive in his suggestions and knows when not to push it! HE doesn't say 'you did this wrong' but will instead suggest we do it again and this time try with a little extra half halt etc. This helps take the emphasis on what I did wrong and we concentrate instead on the way we can improve things. For a while I just had walk/trot lessons and short occassional walk hacks - taking the pressure off like this helped enormously and helped me to come back to things steadily.

I am still like this at heart, but just giving myself a break and believeing in my mares and my abilities both in a comp and also to stick together out hacking has helped hugely. Little things like walking her in hand for a hack, giving her a good groom instead of going for a ride and learing how to lunge her well without any tack or whip has improved both our relationship and my confidence.

Do you have a regular horse you ride or do you chop and change? Perhaps having a favorite and being able to build a bit of a bond and getting to know him would help. Can you have a hack sometimes instead of a lesson? Because I always think I'm going to make a mess of things I find lessons very very tiring and so can only manage one a week - chill out time in between helps me to get a grip!

Hope you can get things sorted, riding is wonderful but I think it is so easy to put alot of pressure on ourselves too. Reminding us that it is a relaxing hobby doesn't always sink in!

Hope that waffle has made a little sense, and helps you to know that you aren't the only one! (P.S. can you get resuce remedy out there? I take a little before a lesson and wether it works or not, because I think I will be a little calmer things tend to feel more in control)

 

[Luci07]

It sounds like you are reinforcing your own fears so you think something is going to happen and then keep imagining it happening - and to your mind, it is! its not a question of going outside your comfort zone either. You could also be setting yourself up for panic attacks

Very basic positive thinking here - keep replaying in your mind the feeling of satisfaction when you get on your horse, how great it feels, how secure you feel, visualise yourself riding safely, trotting, cantering etc. When you start to feel negative and visualise yourself doing it wrong/hurting yourself, keep going back to feeling good and secure. It takes ages but its amazing how your mind can really control how you react. This is sort of a DIY NLP and if you can't start to put this right, I would recommend you find someone who can help you.

But to put it into context, you have simply programmed yourself to fear the worst, when clearly your experience and expectations are that you have been sucessful. I say "simply" - I appreciate its a skilled job to undo this negative reinforcement but sometimes knowing what the problem is can really help you to start to shrink it. Good luck

 

[Crazydancer]

You mentioned jumping - does any part of riding worry you more than others? I used to do lessons and we always did 10 mins jumping at the end, just popping a few cross poles. I lost my nerve jumping (accident on my own horse), and used to spend all day before a lesson feeling sick. I told my instructor, who was so good about it, and we agreed that I would still do the lesson, but didn't have to jump, she totally took the pressure off. I was fine then, and did eventually (after quite a while) do a bit of jumping, but on my terms, at my speed, and at my choice of height - very small!!! Good luck

 

[millreef]

Thanks for all your replies - To answer some of the questions; I'm not just scared of jumping but everything! Today I rode twice, once at one riding school and then at a different one. The first one was a just a ride (we're not allowed to hack) on a horse I've had on a week's livery - so I could spend time with my daughter who also got one on livery. We didn't have an instructor this morning but I was panicking about every little thing. There was a delivery van which I thought she would shy at (she didn't), there were new trees which had been delivered by the side of the school which I thought she's shy at (she didn't). the end of the school backs onto a road and it's covered in bushes which I thought she'd shy at (she didn't). I've become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine, after the lesson my 11 year old daughter was giving me a "talk" to help sort myself out. Bit pathetic really. If you could bottle confidence I'd buy it! I've checked out suppliers for the rescue remedy which I'll try and get hold of tomorrow. I'm not sure where this pathological fear stems from but I agree with all your comments that it's not doing me any good.

 

[helloamys]

You should be proud that you managed to walk past a delivery van and the new trees

How often do you ride? If I miss a few weeks riding for what ever reason, I get very nervous and feel useless on a horse (and my horse knows it!). I need to ride every day or everyother day to keep my confidence up.

If you don't enjoy riding, don't do it. Find somewhere to hack out or go on a trekking day to get you enjoying it again
Try not to put so much pressure on yourself either. Try riding by yourself with nobody watching, if you feel safe enough to do it, to take the pressure off and just do what you want at your pace. I ride so much better when nobody watching - or so I think
Or could you get somebody to ride your horse to show you that she won't do anything, if its the fear of her being naughty or dangerous?

Good Luck Riding should be fun!

 

[canteron]

OK, firstly, give yourself a huge pat on the back for still riding, I think thats pretty brave and amazing.

Secondly, I used to be like you and it really isn't much fun. I have tackled it in many ways, a little bit of psychology (try and imagine those nerves are excitement!!) and little bit of NLP (it gives you other things to think about) a little bit of taking the pressure off (much better just to walk and enjoy, than do more and hate it). Ride for yourself not to impress your teacher/daughter etc) Admit to your fear!!

What has made the most enormous leap though is having an amazing teacher. In 4 months, I have turned into a different confident rider. My teacher is a very successful teacher who bases her teaching on RWYM (ride with your mind) amongst others. One of the things this does is chunk everything down into very small pieces so that you build up your riding skills in layers and have rules and ways to manage every situation. She is based in Essex so probably not much use to you, but does do courses.

Some people criticise RWYM and there are some not very good practitioners about, but I love the structure it gives. To me, the bottom line is that as a grown up you have to replace the natural confidence you have as a youngster with clear cut set of 'rules' and a very good secure strong seat. For example, now if my horse looses concentration and starts to jog/walk fast, spook, it no longer frightens me as I have rules of how to get it back - probably the sort of thing that came naturally as a youngster but I now have a methodology!

Do PM me if you would like me to give you contacts/more details - they might know how to see if there is a teacher near to you?

 

[Damnation]

I would go back to the beginning and start from scratch. Loads of trotting poles and little jumps until you are bored to tears, and slowly higher the jumps, doing them over and over again until you start to feel like "Hey i can do this!!"

Sometimes someone sneaking the jump up when you are not looking helps - you don't realise until your over it and think.. "I did that.. YAYY!!"

 

[CarolineJ]

First of all ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) To feel the way you do and still go ahead and ride is really, really brave.

I had a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy and found it helped a bit, but what's made the big difference is taking time (and I mean months!) to build up a really good relationship with my horse on the ground. I tacked him up the week before last for the first time this year, we went for a 10 minute wander around the school, had a few battles over the steering and I hopped off once he'd done what I asked him to. He's been here since July and that's the first time I've ridden him without shaking. I've finally got to the stage where I actively want to ride again and that's been a big motivator - if you don't want to ride, then don't put that pressure on yourself, just hang around with the horses at whatever your comfort level is for that day.