I still haven't got my nerve back. How do people do it?

[Jesstickle]

I know it isn't really a CR thing but I don't want consoling pats on the back, I want sound advice and a kick up the backside and that seemed more likely here.

Perhaps people remember my mare rearing up and coming over on me. That's what started all this off. She's gone to my friend for boot camp and is going really well. I rode her at the weekend and was relatively happy up there on her. So that's good I suppose. I know it's because my friend was there that I felt confident and that I'd struggle on my own so that's where she is staying for the time being.

BUT

it seems to have had a knock on effect with BH and it's getting worse rather than better. He's had a long lay off with injury and all we're meant to be doing is hacking in walk. To begin with I was just insanely happy to be back on him but then we got chased by a couple of dogs, nothing happened but it worried me, then he had a mini bronk the other day in company, again nothing really happened though. Now when I hack I get tenser and tenser and my heart pounds. Today my friend took him out ride and lead as lead horse and he properly carted her back to the stables. This is very unlike him but I am bricking it sitting here thinking that I have to ride him tonight. I've never been scared of anything before this year and certainly I've never been scared of him. I rode him last night and didn't really hear a peep out of him. I can't go in the school or lunge as we're still only meant to be walking so don't know what to do.

I just don't seem to be able to get back to where I was in terms of my bottle
OH tells me I have the yips. I just want to sell up at the moment. How on earth do people get a grip with nerves? There must be some sort of practical solution.

 

[siennamum]

I had a complete melt down when I started my current youngster. Don't know what caused it, but I was scared of everything. I am now completely back to my old self and have no real nerves.
For best part of a year I dreaded riding & had sleepless nights before outings. I couldn't ride effectively and at one point found it hard to stay on over a small jump my position was shot.

I think what worked was one night before a show when I was laying in bed terrified. Icompletely analysed in my head in detail exactly what I was actually scared of, going over what could happen and what I could do about it. I also went through the stuff I've done in the past and acnowledged that I was capable of riding. It wasn't really a fear of falling off, more a fear of riding badly - though I was also afraid of falling off. I was also intimidated a bit by the horse who could be a bit of a *****.

I seemed to talk myself out of it that night. I only realised at the show when I was pootling about the next day and it occured to me I hadn't been nervous all day, just excited.

I certainly wouldn't give up in your place. Can you have TFT or similar. Nerves really stop us riding and that makes us more nervous, but confidence can be such a fragile thing and I don't think there's a rider on the planet who can't lose theirs.

 

[kerilli]

get someone to go with you as a walker. beg, bribe, whatever. make sure they have a pocketful of treats or a handful of grass if necessary to distract your horse if he does think a dodgy thought (v unlikely i know). a walker won't shy or nap, and can stand near spook-worthy things... this makes a HUGE difference to both of you.
my nerve has always been rock-solid but after my knee fell apart i did feel very windy about getting dropped again and spending another x months on crutches, i just knew that knee was still unstable and wouldn't take it. so, i got addicted to having a neckstrap for starters, and to having a walker with a tricky one. it took a fair while and i can clearly remember the first time one really pratted about and i laughed and stayed totally relaxed instead of grabbing the neckstrap and thinking "uh oh, ****"
you WILL get through this. if in doubt, lunge first, to be sure. then, baby steps...
good luck!

 

[Jesstickle]

K, I have the same thing. My knee is stuck together with bits of string and simply will not take another big smash. Luckily for me Nitty decided to land on my GOOD leg or I'd have been in real trouble! I've had a few big falls in a relatively short space of time I suppose and that's rattled me a bit.

sm- I don't even know what I'm worrying about. I think I'm worried about not being able to cope/not knowing what to do if things go wrong. Even though I do always cope somehow.


A walker sounds good. Just need to find someone to help me. I'm usually more nervy if OH comes as I worry he'll get hurt by the horses. Need to find someone who knows what they're doing. I wish I'd never moved yards, everything was going quite well before I moved away from my entire support network!

 

[Rambo]

Keep at it and get a good honest horse to help you is all I can say.

It's taken me over a year to get my confidence back after a 6 month spell with a horse who's sole intention in life was to get me off followed by a freak accident on another horse who nearly went over on me.

I was all set to give up but then my current horse came along and he's just soon genuine it's unreal. I went from jumping 1.20m+ classes to being afraid to ride over a bridge or have a trailer come past me on the road.

Tbh, I'm not sure I'll ever be the fearless person I was again....but I can are least now enjoy my riding again and start to have fun again.

 

[kirstyhen]

I guess I'm lucky in that I have never had any confidence, so it doesn'tt feel like my world has fallen apart when I lose it.
I have been nervous about riding as long as I can remember, apparently I used to sit in the back of the car before my lessons, terrified but desperate to ride. Unfortunately I don't think there is any shortcut to just battling through, but you need to do it at your own speed and protect your fragile confidence, without getting stuck in your comfort zone.
I try to remind myself how I am prepared for a scenario that makes me nervous, whether that be because I have trained hard or even 'I fell off in a similar situation, this means I am better prepared to stay on this time as I know what NOT to do.' Sounds backwards, but it helps me no end.
You really have to battle letting the negative thoughts kick in, once they take hold its a nightmare.
If I can get better my nerves, anyone can!

 

[Supanova]

My mare reared up 18 months ago and i came off and totally messed my right knee up (funny how we all seem to have managed to wreck our knees!). I still had big fear issues for the first 12 months post injury. Whenever i am out hacking or riding round the field i used to have this irrational fear, even when she didn't do anything wrong. However, the key thing to tell you is that it has got better. My first bit of advice would be to stay safe......don't put yourselves in situations where you don't feel happy i.e. i won't go riding round the field if its too windy or i won't hack unless its a Sunday morning so roads are quiet. As K said baby steps......don't push yourself too hard. Another good tip - as soon as you start your horse or you feeling on edge, hum or sing to yourself. It must be something about your breathing but it seems to relax both of you. I also think its important to admit you are scared rather than trying to pretend you're not! Sometimes just saying to yourself "ok i'm scared about this so i'm going to try to breath and calm down" works in itself.

As a last thought, I would also highly recommend Jo Cooper (google her website). She really helped me with the issues i was having after just a few phone calls.

 

[leflynn]

Good thing about having a walker is that if you are chatting to them you relax a little and become less tense. I prefer having a a walker as I am a wuss hacking out alone and have taken a couple of painful confidence bashes a couple of years ago (along with breaking my ribs then re-breaking them 6 weeks later on the same horse).

I even have a walker in the school sometimes if the weathers cr*p or if the hoss is back in work off box rest, purely for someone to chat to and give reassurance

 

[Jesstickle]

Thank you all so much for sharing. I feel a bit better even knowing that other people have wobbles too.

My OH is going to be so pleased if he has to walk with me every day! Can't see who else is going to come with me though. At least he'll be fit I guess...

 

[dafthoss]

Would he be better in company? I can get YP over to escort you if you like. Or I can pop in on my way back from uni one day and walk with you if you can't get OH to join you.

 

[kerilli]

the walker doesn't have to be experienced at all, honestly, just willing! as long as they have the sense to keep a weather eye on the horse, go between horse and Potentially Scary Thing, not get distracted and walk slap bang into horse's backside (yes, my ex- did this, luckily horse just flinched!) they'll be fine. if they wear hi-viz it slows the drivers down more too, which is useful. just do 20 mins at first, or whatever your shortest loop is, if you can... i try to avoid turning back on myself if pos, some horses use it as an excuse to prat about.
second the tip about singing, HUGE benefit, that. pick songs that make you do long slow notes, if that makes sense, these slow your breathing down and keep you calm. my favourites (don't laugh) are, talk about eclectic, Sitting Down Here (Lene Marlin) and, drumroll... the Star Spangled Banner. The words are fiendishly difficult to memorise perfectly (i'm still working on verse 2!) but they're interesting, and tricky to remember (so, distracting, which helps a lot!) and the tempo is perfect, and has got me out of difficulties a few times when we've been on grass, it's very windy, baby horse decides to dance the light fandango when ducks come flapping and quacking out of the dyke alongside us... it's kind of soporific and definitely calms the horse down somehow.

 

[Leg_end]

First of all I think confidence wobbles affect everyone at some point so don't focus too much on that.

I have had several blips over the years and different things have helped. When I had a horrendous accident on my old horse I used Jo Cooper as I had a specific memory that was giving me flash backs and she helped me so much I can't tell you.

More recently I've been my own worst enemy and my own negative thoughts have got me down. The only way I've got over this ironically is moving yards and surrounding myself with people who are of a similar mindset to me and having weekly lessons with someone who just gets me and knows when to push me out of my comfort zone. i don't know if you've read any of my previous posts but I've gone from being worried about riding with other people, jumping, worrying about people watching and terrified of riding other horses in case I stuff it all up to jumping reguarly in group lessons and even jumping other people's horses! It's the biggest change in my riding for a good few years and its all down to a great instructor but also realising that the only person who can re-build my confidence is me!

 

[Jesstickle]

dh- I think he was just pissed off today (you know how he gets when you annoy him) and he'll almost certainly be fine. I have company to hack with and yesterday we went out with his buddy and he was completely ok. The problem is definitely me. But if you ever want to call in you know we'll be glad to see you You should bring Rob over when we can go for a canter again though for definite!

K- I always tell people to sing too. Although nothing as embarrassing as that little lot. My newest one has been to go along chanting 'now we are six' even though BH is infact 7 Will try the star spangled banner though. You never know

Well done leg_end. I'm lucky. My nerves haven't seeped beyond the immediate things which caused them so I can still jump etc. I just can't get on Nitty or hack BH.

Right PMA is in place. I'm sure it'll be fine. If he seems like he is in a horrible mood he will get long reigned today and I'll try again tomorrow!

 

[dafthoss]

Yep I do know what he is like when he is cross . The offers there is you want me to pop in on the way home one day and we will deffinatly come visit when BH is ready to canter. If you want some thing deadly dull to hack YP is boring as ever.

Any way I will kick your backside and tell you to get on with it and take him out tonight and enjoy

 

[HairyMary]

A different approach.. I was in a similar place to you not so long ago, I went to my horsey dad for advice.
Firstly, he made me buy a body protector because psychologically it made me feel safer. then he led me out, bareback and on a headcollar with a neckstrap so I had nothing to worry about other than staying on board.

I was forced to relax or I would've just slid off the side, and although my horse was a complete turd on multiple occasions I didn't have to worry about it because someone had got him, and from that, I was able to say 'okay, I'm not going to fall off if he spooks' and was then able to go out tacked up and unled with a walker, and then finally on my own again.. He's still an idiot but I can laugh at him now.

 

[Auslander]

I get beset by the "What might happen's" too - and can get myself completely worked up thinking about what's going to happen. It's odd, because I'm not a nervous rider, and will get on anything if I'm in the right frame of mind. It tends to be my own horses that I get my knickers in a twist about - to the point that I make excuses not to ride them.

I have to give myself an almighty kick up the backside, tell myself how ashamed I am of myself, and then get on and bloody well get on with it. All in the space of about 5 minutes. It's often easier once they've done whatever it was that I was worrying about - it generally isn't a problem, and once it's happened, I'm fine about it.

You may remember my early posts about Alf and his mounting problems. He came with a rap sheet for burying people as they got on, and I was CONVINCED he was going to plant me too. He did his funky thing the first time with me. I stayed on (much to my surprise!) and once he'd done it, he settled down and was as good as gold. He went to do it once more the next time I rode him, and I gave him a sock in the teeth, and kick in the ribs - and bellowed "Dont you bloody dare". He promptly stopped, breathed out, put his back down, and never even contemplated doing it again!! Having been through it once, and not died, the last time didn't bother me in the slightest - I was just livid that he had the audacity to try and plant me, when I am the main supplier of carrots and cuddles!!

 

[Jesstickle]

Haha Aus! What you have described is exactly me. I will still get on absolutely anything and have much more of a problem with my own and the 'what ifs' than I do with an unknown quantity. Silly huh? I am genuinely contemplating borrowing a random horse to take team chasing but I am worrying over hacking my own mr dependable! I am a little bit ashamed of it as it seems so unjust on my poor horses!

Just to update you all, I rode out tonight with our regular hacking buddy. Despite putting a martingale and BH's flash on 'just incase' I didn't hear a single peep from him. He was his usual, completely dependable self. I have no idea what happened with him this morning.

He was sound as well which was a nice bonus. Sadly hacking companion's horse is having his back down tomorrow so it'll have to be OH as my walker. Which means he'll miss the footy the poor old soul. He is a long suffering chap

 

[emmab13]

I ride for a living, and in April I had three cracking falls within a fortnight. I chipped a tiny bit off one of my vertebrae low down on my back when one tipped up over a wall, then continued to ride on Tramadol and was jumped off over a XC fence, giving myself a hairline fracture of my pelvis.

I then took some more Tramadol, tipped up over a showjump and cracked a rib.

Now, not only am I still hurting, but I can't keep my knees closed to stay on, and my bottle has gone as I know if one really wants me off, or even just has a moment, I'll fall off. And I do.

The way I deal with it is to have a word with myself, quite literally, before I get on anything I'm scared of. I'm better if I have people to impress, so I man up a bit more. I don't stop being scared, but I fake it til I make it. Eventually I get braver.

 

[Trot_On_Dressage]

I am in exactly the same position Jesstickle. I've had 3 nasty falls this year all from broncing horses. 2 were from mine and one a clients horse.

I've never been a nervous rider either but like you I feel sick when asked to get on clients horses, not good when you ride and teach for a living! I feel embarrassed to admit it!

 

[Jesstickle]

Blimey you two. You're beating me. Mine have been a bit more strung out than that but I no longer feel invincible like I used to. It's starting to get painful when I bite the dust.

My mum tells me it's because I've finally learnt to sit tight and so when I do finally fall I fall hard. I quite like that logic as it makes me feel a bit better. Doesn't make it hurt any less though! I think I'd almost be better if they had happened out hunting/jumping as I view those ones as inevitable. I think what has done for me is that they've all been ordinary, not doing anything flash, ones. The ones that make you realise that everything about horses is dangerous. Not just the dangerous bits!

 

[emmab13]

Really, you are totally not alone.
Bearing in mind I ride about 8 a day, I am scared of the following:

Getting on with someone holding the horse that I don't trust 100%.
Having a leg up
Horses that get 'light in front'
Horses who are not great at jumping
Very downhill horses

I also know as soon as I swing a leg over whether the horse wants me there or not and if they don't I am scared.

How old are you? Until I was 25 I was actually invincible. I am now 28 and I swear those extra few years (and the extra falls) knock your confidence, especially if you're a girl.

 

[Mike007]

You wont get any"kicks up the backside" from me for having a confidence issue. Confidence is only built slowly but it is destroyed very very quickly. NLP can help. Also realising that you are not out to ,and dont need to,prove anything to anyone,even your self. Use the help around you to the max. Dont try to go it alone. My own confidence tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster. The trouble is that I remember the stuff I used to do when I was less than half my age and less than half my weight. Recently I have been at a sort of stalemate with Bob the "nota"cob. Dont get me wrong,he is the kindest most gentle and willing horse I have ever met,but he is also the most difficult ,and when things go wrong ,they go wrong at the speed of light.By pure chance the owner of the next door riding school ,who I have known (and looked up to) since ponyclub,needed the tractor fixed. I have traded tractor repairs for showjumping lessons. My confidence has been boosted no end. With some one I know and trust telling me "Mike that was S+++ do it again. My problem has always been that jumping ,whilst I love it ,has been where I truely get my ass kicked(used to steeplechase) Your problem is different in that it is the rearing and control thing that has busted your nerve. You need to find the eqivalent to me. Good people around you to keep the lid on your horse and work through the problem. Dont pressure yourself but try to keep making progress. Good luck.

 

[Kelpie]

There is a great book called "feel the fear and do it anyway" which I highly recommend.

Also, think of fear as being a normal physical reaction... Then, think through what that reaction is - dry mouth, tight muscles, tunnel vision, etc - then override those, so lick your lips, think through all your muscle groups and relax them, deliberately soften your eyes, etc... It's amazing the difference tricking your body can make ... Then that helps u with the "fake it till u make it" approach, which I am a fan of, so long as u couple that with setting yourself up to succeed by use of walkers, etc.....

Also, always focus on what u want rather than letting the "what ifs" in ... So instead of walking along thinking "dont buck" think about walking/ count the beats out, etc and don't give your mind space to drift into the what ifs ... That will help both u and your horse... (OH is a shrink by the way...)

 

[Puppy]

Oh dear. It sounds like you're going through similar to what I did with C last winter, after we both hit the deck.

I don't think that there's a quick fix, but do keep reminding yourself that you WILL overcome this, it's just going to take a bit of time.

As you know, I did LOTS of riding out with a walker (my dear mother lost a few lbs that Xmas & J tested his horse allergy to it's limits!) I also had some super flatwork lessons which did me the world of good in terms of confidence, our partnership rapidly progressing, and also how to ride him through it when he started getting 'up'.

I was reflecting just yesterday how far we've come since last Winter and I'm sure you & yours will too If you are stuck for a walker let me know and I'll try and be there

 

[hairycob]

After my youngster bogged off with me a few times, including once when I was drgged off backwards with a branch at my throat, I completely lost confidence cantering. In the end what helped was thinking back to when I was confident & remembering some really fantastic canters. I found they had to be holiday rides not local routes that might have bad memories. I concentrated on these memories when I was relaxing at home conjuring up colours, smells, the warmth of the sun etc. Then I focussed on a particular thing about each of 3 rides - a sight, smell or colour and associated the memory with a word. Eventually I could switch on the memory by saying the word & it would immediately relax me. Very embarassing to suddenly yell out woodsmoke or springbok in the middle of a lesson/group hack, but it did work.

 

[Dollysox]

You are SO not alone, jess. I echo completely what Mike says - confidence is easy to take for granted, and extremely hard to regain once lost. And as you get older it is more difficult.

I find imagining myself looking at me from the outside, pretending it is a friend who has my problem. What would I tell her to do? And then I do it. I would also say use a walker/companion horse for the time being until you feel more confident. And don't rush it. Little steps at a time and eventually you will wonder what the problem was. It is only time and positive experiences that will get you back to where you want to be, and you might have to accept that you may never be the same confident rider you were several years ago.

If you really get stuck Jo Cooper (previously mentioned) is very definitely worth a try.

 

[Jesstickle]

Puppy, can't believe that was coming up for a year ago now

I didn't ride tonight but will have to do something with the hoss tomorrow. It's rather frustrating as it is getting dark so early now that OH isn't really home in time to walk with me. I need to ride in the morning now but chances of finding someone to do that with me are a bit slimmer!

Stupid full time job! If it wasn't for that I'd be laughing That and my lack of patience and the fact I am incapable of waiting for things. Grr

 

[milo'n'molly]

Perhaps we could set up a hho local volunteer list for people who need a helper, pair of hands etc and people willing to help out. All I can suggest is just remember you do this for fun so try taking the pressure off yourself. Set small goals to work towards so you get a sense of achievement in the little steps rather than the goal just to get your nerve back to how it was before.

Ps I'm in Yorkshire

 

[Jesstickle]

I like the idea of a pool of people.

I sort of had that going on with dafthoss and puppy but then I foolishly decided to move away from them. Silly me. Both of them are such chatterboxes I would never think to be nervous. It's all I can do to keep up with what they're telling me Not that I'm much better of course

 

[Nicnac]

Breathing helps I am nervous & lack confidence as have new horse who is young and he can be a little boisterous to put it mildly (napping/rearing but not maliciously). I felt safe as houses on my old mare and even on my ex racer as I know him.

I try to visualise the worst that could happen and how I would deal with it. As Mike007 said, NLP helps & it's easy to pick up the basics via a self help book.

Think of your nerves as excitement and use them positively if that makes sense. Easier said than done.

I get my OH to lead on a bicycle which helps but only able to do so on a Sunday due to work.