I think I need to euthanise…am I right? / hand hold

[ign446]

Hi.
Sorry if this is long - I have a lot of thoughts and am struggling to make Sense of them all.

I have a 21 year old warmblood who is my “heart horse” so to speak (god I hate that term but I guess it’s correct here). We have an extensive competition history to FEI level jumping which was prevented from reaching its peak through suspensory injury in 2016. I rehabbed this conservatively and she continued to have a successful career albeit lower level BS until she was 18 when I realised I wasn’t gaining anything “pot hunting” round 90/1m and she should have a retirement. We have enjoyed her retirement through hacks, hunting and fun rides but i have bitterly missed higher level competing. I must say this horse is also the most charismatic, friendly, quirky but wonderful horse I’ve ever met and loved by all.

A year ago after multiple abcesses we found a huge keratoma. This was operated on 3x and she was on box rest for a year. I honestly regret this deeply even though she was good as gold throughout I regret putting her through this. We have been able to turn her out last month and I rode her a few times on hacks over the last month. I cried happy tears throughout.

However, she is not the horse I knew. She is quiet, submissive, unwilling to work or be led. (Until box rest she had to be led in a bridle and was frankly bolshy). She is 9/10 sound but the behaviour change concerns me. She is on one bute a day currently. She is also booked for the dentist where he has said he will have to remove multiple teeth as they are starting to get very wobbly and she now struggles to bite into carrots but not to eat feed or hay.

Vets and farriers have offered various options - remedial shoes / more bute / different pain meds and my head honestly says no more.

I’ve said I’ll never ride her again because she isn’t happy. She looks the picture or health until you walk her down a steep hill and I am concerned about the guilt thay as a one horse owner if I lose her I’ll be able to afford another competition horse which i can’t wait for - i have always been hugely ambitious showjumping. I feel hideous guilt that a large part of me resents keeping her slightly through all her issues as much as I love her. But as the days go on I get an increasing gut feeling that she’s had enough and that actually it would be more selfish pushing onwards.

Vet / farrier / yard owner / trainer all say you’re doing the right thing to push on or euthanise, it’s up to me. I’ve never had to put a horse down before let alone one I love so much that I abandoned my jumping career to give her a retirement.

My mum let a cat live too long once and it haunted me. While we are a long way off that I am terrified doing this to her. I don’t know what I want from this post - I guess some similar stories, a hand hold, encouragement that whatever I do will be the right decision???


Thank you to whoever got to the end of that ramble.

 

[Amymay Again]

We can't keep them going forever, and we owe them a timely and dignified end. If she's struggling after 3 operations and a year of box rest it's time to say aurevoir.

 

[Fraggle bells rock]

Hi.
Sorry if this is long - I have a lot of thoughts and am struggling to make Sense of them all.

I have a 21 year old warmblood who is my “heart horse” so to speak (god I hate that term but I guess it’s correct here). We have an extensive competition history to FEI level jumping which was prevented from reaching its peak through suspensory injury in 2016. I rehabbed this conservatively and she continued to have a successful career albeit lower level BS until she was 18 when I realised I wasn’t gaining anything “pot hunting” round 90/1m and she should have a retirement. We have enjoyed her retirement through hacks, hunting and fun rides but i have bitterly missed higher level competing. I must say this horse is also the most charismatic, friendly, quirky but wonderful horse I’ve ever met and loved by all.

A year ago after multiple abcesses we found a huge keratoma. This was operated on 3x and she was on box rest for a year. I honestly regret this deeply even though she was good as gold throughout I regret putting her through this. We have been able to turn her out last month and I rode her a few times on hacks over the last month. I cried happy tears throughout.

However, she is not the horse I knew. She is quiet, submissive, unwilling to work or be led. (Until box rest she had to be led in a bridle and was frankly bolshy). She is 9/10 sound but the behaviour change concerns me. She is on one bute a day currently. She is also booked for the dentist where he has said he will have to remove multiple teeth as they are starting to get very wobbly and she now struggles to bite into carrots but not to eat feed or hay.

Vets and farriers have offered various options - remedial shoes / more bute / different pain meds and my head honestly says no more.

I’ve said I’ll never ride her again because she isn’t happy. She looks the picture or health until you walk her down a steep hill and I am concerned about the guilt thay as a one horse owner if I lose her I’ll be able to afford another competition horse which i can’t wait for - i have always been hugely ambitious showjumping. I feel hideous guilt that a large part of me resents keeping her slightly through all her issues as much as I love her. But as the days go on I get an increasing gut feeling that she’s had enough and that actually it would be more selfish pushing onwards.

Vet / farrier / yard owner / trainer all say you’re doing the right thing to push on or euthanise, it’s up to me. I’ve never had to put a horse down before let alone one I love so much that I abandoned my jumping career to give her a retirement.

My mum let a cat live too long once and it haunted me. While we are a long way off that I am terrified doing this to her. I don’t know what I want from this post - I guess some similar stories, a hand hold, encouragement that whatever I do will be the right decision???


Thank you to whoever got to the end of that ramble.

I'm so sorry but I think in reality you know which decision is the right decision for your horse and yourself. She is quietly telling you she has had enough.
You are right not to let it get to the point that her telling you is no longer an option.

Hugs as it is hard.

 

[94lunagem]

After 3 ops and a year box rest, you know deep down you’ve done your best for her.

I know it’s a cliche but I genuinely believe it’s better a month too early than a day too late.

The fact you have asked/are asking yourself the question also tells you something.

Sorry you’re facing this though, it’s the hardest part.

 

[FinnishLapphund]

The one thing which stood out the most to me, is that her normal usual self is a horse that was bolshy, and needed to be led in a bridle. Now she's not only quiet, and submissive, without unwilling to be led. It would be one thing if she'd only begun to be unwilling when there's work involved, but by the sound of it, this affects her whole personality regardless whether there's work involved or not.
I just don't think a horse at her age simply wakes up one morning, and thinks *Nah, I've been bolshy for over 20 years now, it's time for a change, I'll do a complete 180 turn in the personality department*.

I'm sorry, but that's not normal. But I don't know your horse, you do. Do you believe she would be able to change personality this dramatically only for some potential toothache?
Sure, one could say do the planned teeth procedure, and see if that makes her change back to her usual self. But what if she's still quiet, and submissive when her mouth have healed?

Where you draw the line for how many treatments you try before you give up, is up to you. But considering that she's already had 3 surgeries, been on box rest for a year, together with her personality change, like the previous answers you've gotten, I think it sounds as if it's time to spoil her with some treats (if she doesn't want to eat e.g. carrots due to her teeth, maybe slice up a few in smaller pieces, and boil them, so that they're soft?), and call it a day.

 

[SEL]

It's an awful decision but I found myself knowing deep down that my old boy had had enough. He was ready.

I think you know your mare and that's why you're here needing your hand held. It's horrendous making that call to the vet, but I also think it's a kindness to stop our beloved animals suffering.

I feel for you xx

 

[P.forpony]

There's nothing to feel guilty about!
You haven't put your competitive dreams and goals above her welfare for 3 years now, so it's clearly not a case of chucking her out to make room for the next good horse.
You've treated her, rehabbed her, found a way to enjoy a retirement together and managed her pain.
It's sounds like she's lived a very full life being very well cared for.

I think you know your horse and what's best for you both, don't make a hard thing harder by feeling guilty about looking forward to competing again. We all need to be able to look forward to positive things at difficult times

 

[Birker2020]

You know when you know. I really mean that.

I've never had any regrets putting to sleep Bailey and that was a horse I'd rehabbed over and over and over and had cost an estimated 30k in vet costs over the 17yrs.

She went on a day I chose with the sun on her back ( another cliche) and a belly full of grass.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

It's never an easy decision but it's one that has to be made at some point for every horse. The best owners make sure that it doesn't happen a day too late.

 

[ihatework]

You know your horse. Listen to your gut.
If it helps, I had one similar and although the run up to the deed was heart wrenching and I was obviously sad after, the relief was immense and it was 100% the right thing to do.

 

[lynz88]

I think you know the answer but just need reassurance that it really is the right answer and I understand that. I too, have given up the riding that I love as my horse isn't ok to do the work. I think you've done a lot for her and if it were me, PTS would be what I would be looking at doing. She's had a great life and it's clear that she's struggling with some of the more basic things. Better to do it now then waiting too long.

 

[Trouper]

I always go early - I just could not bear to make the mistake of leaving it late - it would haunt me forever.

You have given her a wonderful life and a chance to come back from later problems. You owe her nothing now - except a dignified and comfortable end.

Look after yourself.

 

[dorsetladette]

Sounds like you are making the right decision for you and your lovely horse.

It's nice to hear that your YO and other professionals are supportive of your thoughts too. I'd suggest you don't tell people outside of this circle until afterwards to avoid unwanted opinions. you don't need the upset and it's none of their business.

Take care of yourself!

HHO members are great handholders. We really do prop each other up at times.

 

[Trot_on]

You sound like you've done everything you can for your lovely horse. I often say to friends making big decisions... while you think about it, talk to people about it, get things straight in your mind, you won't actually make the decision until it's right right one to make.... because when something has been so well thought out, you won't make the decision if it's the wrong one - you'd still be thinking about it. Especially when it's something like this - it won't 'go away'.

Believe in yourself and your gut feeling on this. You know the horse more than anyone, so only you can really judge the situation.

Forget about the guilt thing...you're not PTS to make space for another, you're doing what's best for your current horse. What comes after, comes after. Your current horse has probably done more for your SJ'ing career than you'll know in her own way.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[ign446]

Thank you all. I was so nervous to post and those who have said “you know what to do, you just need reassurance” are so right.
I have decided to call the vets tomorrow to make an appointment. Unfortunately (or not, depending on how you see it!) today she was looking brighter and moving well. I have to try and get my head around the fact that there will be good days and it doesn’t mean every day will be like this.

 

[CarlungM]

The day we put our old by to sleep he marched out to the field where the vet was to meet us. I like to think he knew it was time and wanted to go with dignity. 3 days earlier he had been in so much pain from severe arthritis and terrible sarcoids in and around the sheath that he clearly found it painful to be brushed. He had been in semi retirement from 14 and then full retirement for over 18 months. He had every intervention I could think of to keep him comfortable until at 21 those closest to him all felt it was time.

I agree with others, you have nothing to feel guilty over. You have clearly loved your horse and cared well for
her. Sounds like it could be time to let her enjoy her final rest. I feel for you as it's crap.

 

[misst]

You absolutely have nothing to feel guilty about. You know what you need to do - lucky horse to have an owner with courage rather than one who "cannot bare" to do the right thing. xxx I hope you are ok.

 

[JoannaC]

No need to feel guilt, it is really hard having to play God even when you know it's the right thing to do. There is always that niggling doubt that maybe they could be ok a bit longer but ultimately we have to make the decision at some point so better to do it before they are suffering too much. I decided to let my pony go in September so I know the doubts that enter your head but once he'd gone, after the initial sadness, I felt comfortable that i'd done right by him. Good luck in what you decide.

 

[SEL]

Thank you all. I was so nervous to post and those who have said “you know what to do, you just need reassurance” are so right.
I have decided to call the vets tomorrow to make an appointment. Unfortunately (or not, depending on how you see it!) today she was looking brighter and moving well. I have to try and get my head around the fact that there will be good days and it doesn’t mean every day will be like this.

On the day he went mine looked a million dollars - we took some photos that morning and they're stunning. But the weather was beautiful and just a few days later it changed. For a horse who was normally so vet phobic he'd tow me away he just stood there and let her inject the sedative. To this day I think he knew and was ready.

I was never, ever going to be ready to lose him, but better that day under the sun than down in the mud - I would never have forgiven myself.

The phone call is the worst bit **hugs**

 

[starbucker]

No advice to add just sending comfort at a difficult time. That being said they have no concept of time or being here another day, she sounds well loved sorry for your loss.

 

[AShetlandBitMeOnce]

I would support a decision to PTS here without a second thought - the only being that will suffer in that decision is you, she won't know any different, which when the guilt comes in (because even if it's the right thing to do, we all question it) is an important thing to remind yourself.