I thought I was not affected but...

EmmasMummy

EmmasMummy

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I think I am. I am talking about having my horse PTS at the end of May. I was very matter of fact about it as it was the ONLY decision.

But............He is buried in his field at my dads. Ive only been in that field twice since then, I cant walk down that side of it and I cant even really look over at it. It wasnt until my dad pointed it out ot me. I used to like sitting out there as they have a really nice view.....but now I just feel weird. The field has been empty before, so it cant be that. Being Stupid pregnant hormonal is not helping, along with my LO going ON and ON about it.......every single day this week she has gone on about him.............last night she was asking me how much I wanted him back, what would I give etc and will I look forward ot being a star so I can see him ( I started crying whilst I was driving!) then she starts crying. I dont know why she has picked these last month to really really go on about it.

On an up note..........my arthritic shetland looks like she will be going to be a lead rein for a few months - and if she is ok with that then she 'should' be ok for my LO to ride.
 
Well, being "silly pregnant hormonal" certainly wont help you, (that was def the worst part of being pregnant, lol). I think that after the initial period after they have been PTS, then it hits in waves. My boy will be asleep 3 years on 28th November, and I still get really upset at times. Not as often, and I can now look at photos of him without welling up every time, it's only sometimes now. It will get better, and as far as the field is concerned, my boy is buried at my mam and dads too, dont like thinking about it, but my sisters 2 horses, (who used to bully Cooper all the time), stand on the spot where he's buried all the time. It really upsets me, as I'm convinced they do it on purpose..... I know, I probably need locking up, lol.... but i do think they do it to p**s me off. Well, chin up, it does get better, cry when you feel the need to, it does help. hugs to you. xx
mecooper-1.jpg

Me and Cooper. x
Have you any photos??
 
mandwhy said:
Aww poor you! It's understandable, I'd be in bits! I assume LO is little one? Children eh, so tactful!
Click to expand...

Yeah......she is 3.5 years old and her mouth has NO filter on it at the moment!

I mainly feel that I SHOULDNT feel so bad. It soulds silly but OK, I owned him for 8 years, But for all of those 8 years I only had him soley as mine for what.....6 months? I always had a sharer as I couldnt really afford him and in the first year he scared me so much I almost quit riding and sold him. And I probably should have as I never did much with him and he had so much potential but I selfishly kept him.
 
I'm sure you will be grieving for your loss even if it was the only option and pregnancy just multiply' s your feelings by 1000. I would just burst out crying at random things on tv or sitting at work.
 
He won't care about wasted potential, as long as you looked after him, that's all that matters. Grief hits people in different ways, you're not weird for not wanting to go in the field. There's no limits on how many things you can feel at once either. No harm in being comforted that you made the right decision, whilst also missing him. Can your child talk to someone else about it, if they need to talk, so you don't have to hear it?
 
I am no psychologist but, your daughter needs to learn about death and i dont think its a good idea to discourage her from talking about it - talk to her about feeling sad, and dont worry about the fact that uou still get upset - you do need to process the loss and to a certain extent its good for your daughter to see you do that, rather than make her feel that these feelings should be hidden. There does not need to be any logic in grief and i think that if you share your sadness - and also some stories of happy things you did with your horse - with your daughter when she expresses an interest it might be good for you both in the long run.
 
Just re- read my post, i hope it didnt come over as harsh, i didnt mean it to, just meant that you should allow yourself to greive and not feel that it was inappropriate in any way x
 
I think OP is being sensible in talking to her child about it :)

OP I think all of what you feel is perfectly normal and okay. It's ok to be upset, especially if someone keeps on bringing it up. It's normal to feel guilty, irrational and whatever. But do try to remember that it is not irrational to be upset. I thinj we often bury our feelings at the time we need to take action, because otherwise we would never be able to do anything. It's normal and healthy for those emotions to arise at a later date to be processed then. I suggest you sit with your emotions and accept them rather than be mean to yourself because you feel them. They will ease with time x
 
When i was pregnant i used to get very upset about my old dog who i lost 4 years ago (2years ago at the time). Then id feel guilty for my current dog who would sit next to me and lick my face!!

Give yourself time to greive. Hormones do weird things to you but in the long run it will be 'good' for you to go through this.

I agree it won't do your daughter any harm to talk about death with you and see you upset or get upset herself. She'll be learning to deal with her emotions effectively in a healthy way.

Big hugs its horrible but i think its a good thing that your emotions are coming out.

Lots of love x x x
 
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