I want to compete. Mum doesn't care.

[Pony_Problems]

I am 14 years old and have ridden for 10 years. I am more than capable of going out to shows and competing in my chosen discipline of Show Jumping. I have owned my Mare for 2 years and only went to my first proper show yesterday where we were very successful and qualified for Cricklands Championships and Sunshine tour! We hardly ever go out anywhere, we have never ever been to a PC rally or event.
I've been to a clear round once last year and went cross country once. I feel as though I am completely missing out and my riding capabilities are limited if I don't get experience.
My mum is a happy hacker, and quite selfish. I love her but we clash. Whenever I broach the subject of going to a show once in a while she says "I'm not a pony club mum, I do not have the time to go out every weekend" I don't want to go out every weekend but she completely shuts me down. (By the way my mum doesn't work, the only thing she does that is scheduled all week is rowing on a sunday morning) I feel like she is extremely determined to not let me go to a show. I pay FOR EVERYTHING, the classes, transport costs, first aid cover, photos.
We don't have a trailer, this is part of the issue. I hitched a ride with my riding instructor yesterday to this show but she usually hardly ever has space for me so If I want to go I have to hire a trailer (Something my mum sees as too much effort and money)
She didn't even turn up to watch my classes yesterday.
I desperately want to go out and do things. I am a competent rider, jumping 80cm+. I just want to go out and achieve something!!! I want a career in horses! I really just want to go and experience the stuff everyone talks about. I feel like I'm completely left behind.

 

[yhanni]

Is there nobody that would take you? Obviously you would have to pay but you sound a very independent person and that would mean your mum would be able to carry on leading her life as she sees fit. Near me, in Shropshire, there is a very good transporter who takes people to shows and then waits there until they've done their classes and then brings them home again. There must be someone like that near you?

 

[Goldenstar]

My life was much the same .
In that time you could not hire people to take you about like you can now .
I waited and sixteen announced I was leaving school and going off to be a working pupil on a yard while I would recommend this it worked for me it’s been horses horses ever since .
Where’s your Dad ?

 

[Bob notacob]

You sound like a mature sensible young person . Talk frankly to your ponyclub DC about the problem . You might find that there are people who will help. When I was your age (50 years ago) My DC spotted that I was mad keen but didnt even have a pony. I received all sorts of help and encouragement for which I remain truly grateful.So make the contacts.

 

[Red-1]

It does make me smile that you say your mum is selfish, yet she has bought a pony and presumably pays for most of the keep expenses. I know many people of your age who would give an arm or a leg for a pony, even if limited to hacking!

At 14 I did get a pony, and considered that I was very lucky. I had to pay for lessons, or earn them, but considering most of my money was from an allowance she did really pay. I did have some part time jobs for some of my own money, but not enough to keep a horse.

I used to have nearly an hour to ride a bike to the yard, or after school I would walk there and get picked up later. I still thought it was brilliant and I was lucky.

For shows I used to go on my own, on the bus, or if close enough take my pedal bike- got me fit anyway as they were miles away. I would do the practice fence, take photos for people etc. I still thought I was lucky! In due course I would hack to any that were close enough, then I also got some Pony Club contacts and occasionally could get a lift to a Pony Club venue.

As your mum says she has not got time for shows, perhaps if you took on household chores on the Sunday, such as vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, cutting the lawns, washing/hanging out then she would have time for the shows on Saturday?

I did not have transport at all until I passed my driving test at 17 years old. I got a small, lightweight trailer and towed it with a 1600 saloon car. It took one small horse, just.

So, I can see your user name is Pony Problems, I would change the outlook to celebrate how lucky you are, Lucky Pony Owner for instance.

Many people of your age end up with unsuitable mounts as parents do not know better, and can't even hack (this was me, initially!). I would have been so happy to have a horsey parent, who could advise and help me enjoy my hobby.


ETA - like Goldenstar, the week I left school (at 18) I booked in to one of the big equestrian centres and took the BHS AI exam. To me that was bliss, I had a horse (bought my mum), a car (borrowed mum's), a trailer (bought by mum) and could compete, teach etc. I also had initially some rubbish jobs that let me do competing. I did hunting, team chasing, BS (beat one of our Olympic riders and felt sooooo cool!) etc etc. I started off quite like you, and just 4 years later was doing everything I could wish for.

Also, Like GS, I would not necessarily recommend coming out of education after school. but it also worked for me. I just retired at less than 50 years old, having had a well pain horse job, riding and training youngsters.

I think if it had all been easier when I was younger maybe I would not have been so resilient, for example juggling 3 part time jobs etc, to go get what I want. It gave me an optimistic outlook and a rod of steel through me! I also gained confidence that I could achieve my dreams. I also thank my mum, she did not know much, if anything, about horses, but she was generous enough to provide a pony.

 

[Abi90]

I have to agree with Red-1, you are lucky enough to have been bought a pony in the first place. I, like a lot of people on here, did not get a horse until we could buy and pay for it entirely ourselves.

I get that it’s frustrating that she won’t take you to shows, you said your instructor took you this time? Could that be a more frequent arrangement?

 

[w1bbler]

You need to consider how lucky you are to have a horse & a mum that at least supports you owning one.
My mother hates horses, wanted a girly girl to dress up, look pretty & keep quiet, I never even sat on a horse until I was old enough to get a part time job & pay for my own lessons. Even then I had to cycle to the yard as she was totally against the idea. You can imagine her horror when I started volunteering at the yard & eventually was working there all weekend, returning dirty smelly & happy each evening.
Practise what you can at home, keep up your lessons, work hard at school & eventually you can make your own decisions & finance everything yourself.
Be grateful to your mum do the brilliant start she has given you

 

[wkiwi]

I too agree with the REd-1 and the others about how lucky you are.
My friends and I used to hack to shows as none of our parents had transport (and sometimes this meant riding their the day before and finding a handy pen or paddock for the pony), and yes we had to save up for our ponies and pay for our ponies keep too, etc.

You might also want to consider that your mum might be scared of you getting injured when jumping and at shows. My mum (totally non horsey, though eventually worked out that the halter had the rope and the bridle had the metal part) could never watch me jump, though was persuaded to go to a 3DE when i reached that level (though i think she closed her eyes for the cross country). She once got talked into putting up poles for me when I was schooling a young horse but the rattle of it hitting a pole unnerved her and she wouldn't do it again.
So, your mum saying she can't be bothered may be her way of saying she really loves you and doesn't want to see you get hurt.

Talk to your mum about how safety conscious you are and won't take risks (even though she won't believe you she might convince herself on the surface) and if your mum really doesn't care about your ambitions then it doesn't matter - lots of people before you and after you have gone out and done it themselves and although we all would like to have it easy it rarely is. Why don't you find someone else that needs transport so you have company, go halves in the costs, and hire a driver and trailer/truck. And if that doesn't work you'll just have to get your license as soon as possible and then go to shows.

Re the education thing - I had 5 years off from education between secondary school and university and don't regret it as i got to travel the world and work in different countries. Students who have some life experience are generally a lot more committed and know what they want to do than those that just stay on because they think they ought to. The only difference is the government will pay you to stay on if you are younger and you may have to pay for yourself if older (though you will have money saved from working).

 

[Nari]

I'm another who thinks you should realise how lucky you are to have a pony, and to me it comes across as you being selfish rather than your mum.

If you have your own money to compete then why not spend some of it on a freelance instructor who'll come to your yard to give you lessons. I have no doubt there's still a lot you can learn and it will stand you in good stead for when you can compete in the future, as well as a career in horses. Have you thought of getting some competition experience from a different angle by offering to go as a groom for people? That may be more valuable as career experience, there are far more grooms than competitors & it might also earn you some money if you're good at it.

 

[Hallo2012]

OP could you do some poo picking or mucking out or any other odd jobs for people on your yard/yards near by in return for lifts to shows?

or even get paid for them so you can afford to pay a transporter to take you to shows on your own?

 

[Fiona]

Can you compromise with your mother.... chores in return for one show per month...

Also speak with PC DC in case there was some one nearby who would bring you to rallies. We did this for a neighbour all last year until she got her own transport..

Good luck 😁😁

Fiona

 

[Nari]

I find it interesting that your other thread paints a rather different picture!

 

[Shay]

OP is 14 guys - cut her some slack. Its been a hot bank holiday weekend, school is looming. If we had social media at her age we probably would have posted something similar.

OP - I don't mean to come across as a patronizing old mum (although I am!). Lets get some practical solutions for you.

Talking to your DC is a really good thought. They will know who has space, who travels etc. They may be able to set you up with transport at least for PC Teams. If you have a separate Riding instructor then talk to them too. You might not get out as often as you want - but you will get out.

Start planning now if you want to go to the Championships you have qualified for. They are at opposite ends of the UK so you will probably have to choose one or the other. Unless you leave near either venue you are going to need to stay away which means you will need a responsible adult with you. Who might you ask? You could probably pay your RI to - but that might work out a bit expensive. Are there friends on yard or in PC also qualified you could go with?

You can hire transport for local shows - although it is expensive. I'm not sure how many firms would take you alone at 14 though. there may be a child protection issue there. better, easier, and cheaper, to buddy up with someone. As one of those parents who did spend a lot of time giving lifts to others - be respectful of the fact they have taken you. Help out. Be nice. Always offer to pay for fuel. Muck out the lorry / trailer when you get home. Nothing gets you dis-invited faster than being miserable company.

You seem sad that your Mum didn't come and watch - and I can understand that. But honestly if you speak to any of your friends whose parents are "pony club mums" they will tell you that they would give their eye teeth not to have her watch (and comment...).

Have a look at the BHS Equine excellence pathway. At 14 your can do your stage one and ride safe. Talk to your parents about doing those - they are a good start point for taking an apprenticeship at 16. You will find it easier to get a place - and get more from it - if you can jump straight to stage 2.

Keep your dreams. It feels like miles away when you are 14. It isn't. If it really is what you want then drive and commitment will get you there.

 

[MissTyc]

Definitely make more equine connections around the local area. I often have teenage minions working off transport favours on my yard .. One lady happily "adopts" teenagers in exchange for some poo picking or lunging her horses during the week. Another will add a pony in exchange for some petrol money and company! I was in a similar situation at your age, in the 80s, and even without social media managed to find transport / horsie friends by putting up signs in local tack shop. Ended up affiliating that way. It IS possible. BTW My mother never watched me compete - ever. I got extremely upset about her lack of interest and we had a falling out, after which she admitted she got very anxious when she watched me ride and kept fearing I'd get hurt so thought it would be better for me if she stayed away and didn't interfere with my confidence. You never know what's inside a person x

 

[Amirah]

Goodness me, your poor mother. If I were you I would edit my post pronto, before your mum or one of her friends reads that you consider her selfish and without gainful employment!

 

[charterline]

TBH I don't read the OP as being selfish. I think what she really would love to do is go out to a few shows, and spend some time with her mother enjoying them.

When I was small I got palmed off onto my Grandparents every Saturday whilst my mother took my sister out to indulge in their hobby. I wasn't interested, and as much as I loved horses, I wasn't allowed anywhere near one. I used to hate the weekends, as I felt disposed off.

 

[Mule]

Hi op, I agree with the posters who said to get more involved with the pony club people and ask for lifts in exchange for chores.

I get how you feel about your mum not coming to shows, the other side of it is parents who are too competitive for their kids. It's like some of them are living their ambitions through their children. It's pretty unpleasant for the child.

I've seen lots of young people give up horses cus their parents pushed them. I was volunteering at a hunter trial last year and a young boy had difficulty with his pony (it refused a jump twice). His father threatened to sell it if he didn't get it over the jump:eek3:

Mabey talk things over with your mum and explain how you feel. Make sure not to get too emotional but just say it calmly. She'll probably explain how she feels about you showing/ why she's against it. It mightn't be the reason you think.

 

[Mule]

Hi op, I agree with the posters who said to get more involved with the pony club people and ask for lifts in exchange for chores.

I get how you feel about your mum not coming to shows, the other side of it is parents who are too competitive for their kids. It's like some of them are living their ambitions through their children. It's pretty unpleasant for the child.

I've seen lots of young people give up horses cus their parents pushed them. I was volunteering at a hunter trial last year and a young boy had difficulty with his pony (it refused a jump twice). His father threatened to sell it if he didn't get it over the jump:eek3:

Mabey talk things over with your mum and explain how you feel. Make sure not to get too emotional but just say it calmly. She'll probably explain how she feels about you showing/ why she's against it. It mightn't be the reason you think.

 

[ester]

I wonder if mum thinks that if she does take you out sometimes if you enjoy it then you will just want to do more and more of it.

I agree with the others about being proactive about finding lifts, I've been without transport and I've just made the most of what I've had, hacked to things I could and exchanged a few days grooming for other people to take me out.

But also remember, although you think you are missing out on experience etc now, you will likely still be riding in 10/20/30 years time and able to do things under your own steam.

 

[webble]

Wow, just wow! I grew up worrying whether my parents had enough money to buy food and you think your mum is selfish because she won't take you out competing!

 

[Ceriann]

It’s all relative though isn’t it and whilst there are always issues out there that should make us all feel ashamed of our own list of quibbles, it doesn’t stop us having them. My mum wouldn’t let me have a pony - we had land and I was obsessed and had lessons lessons lessons, work experience the lot to try and persuade her. It didn’t work! I used to get so angry and frustrated. Looking back I can totally understand why I didn’t have one but I didn’t back then.

I would speak with your mum and have an honest sensible chat about what you need to do to to get to some comps - perhaps two a month? Go into the chat with ideas - chores you can do etc. Social media is a great way of getting lifts to things. Show your mum that not only can you ask to go you can do things to get there.

 

[FizzyBum]

This has made me chuckle...OP you are privileged indeed. I spent my entire youth looking after horses dumped on wasteland in the area that I grew up in and working all weekend and every day during the holidays at a riding school just to earn one lesson a week.

It was only when I reached 30 could I afford to buy my first horse after building a career and working incredibly hard...still having to work hard every day to make sure I can afford to keep my horses.

So take a step back and think about just how lucky you are to have the bank of mum bankrolling your horse for you - and supporting you in doing so. I would have given ANYTHING to have my own horse when I was a kid. Whether I was able to compete or not...

 

[Laika]

I think people have qualms more so about the use of the word "selfish", not about our own problems vs OP. If she had simply asked for advice, without this word, there would be absolutely no problem with this.

As somebody who grew up, with parents who worked their arse's off to get me riding lessons, it really does annoy me. I worked at a riding school every free second I had when I was younger to have the privilege of being around horses (didn't get paid but I think I had 2 free rides in the whole time I was there haha!). I could not thank my mum enough (a woman who hates horses) for funding my hobby as after 18 years of riding (and grafting) I managed to save up enough to have my own. Unfortunately life isn't always fair and we don't get our own way. However, what I will say is if you put the work in, you will reek the reward and you will definitely be better off for it. I would definitely heed to what people have said on here and see if anyone at your yard would take you in return for favours BUT definitely have a nice, quiet and polite chat with your mum first as there may be a reason she does not want you to go to competitions just yet.

 

[SOS]

You are at a time in your life which is easy to blame those around you for your unpredictability and teenage hormones. Horses cost a lot of money. I was lucky to have a pony when younger but no transport and only went to show occasionally if someone gave us a lift. When I was 18 I took on all costs of the horses and it was an eye opener. And quite some years after that, I now have my own transport and horse and I am finally competing. Enjoy your pony, remember you are everything in their little life and they don’t mind not going to shows!

If you cannot live without competing I would do one of two things:

Fantasy/unlikely scenario: I would try and get a weekend job on a competition yard (even just skipping stables). Be clear about your ambitions and desire to compete, they may let you come along and learn a bit about competing and if you are lucky may even take you to shows if they are passing.

More likely: Get a paper round job or ask (nicely) if you can have some pocket money for chores at home or with your mums horse. At 16 get a part time job. Save up and either pay someone to take you to the show (£100-200 a day: with a weekend job you could go out once a month with that) or actively give your parents money to transport you or hire a trailer/box.

Perhaps if you got a paper round or small job and paid a small part of your ponies keep (I.e shoes or feed) then your parents may take your requests more seriously. Responsibility of a small financial part would show a lot.

 

[Keith_Beef]

It can seem a hard life, being a teenager without independent transport. But OP seems to have cash to burn from somewhere (she out and out stated that she pays for everything to do with her horse's upkeep and all her kit), so maybe cutting back a bit on matchy-matchy might free up some spare cash to buy a two-horse trailer to share with someone who has a car.

Complaining that

We hardly ever go out anywhere, we have never ever been to a PC rally or event

when you've only had your mare for two years makes you seem somthing of a Moaning Minnie.


As does complaining that mum

didn't even turn up to watch my classes yesterday.

I don't compete, neither does my fifteen year old daughter, but talking to kids the same age as my daughter, and talking to their parents, too, I get the impression that it can be a very long day. I hear of being up at 05h45 to be at the yard for 06h30 to load up, so as to be at the event venue for 08h00, be hanging around until after midday, and if sharing a van or trailer, maybe waiting around for others to do their round before setting off back to the yard. Maybe your mum has other things to do. Maybe you could suggest that she take up knitting or crochet...

I originally had planned a much longer response, but turned my fingers seven times around the keyboard before typing.

 

[ester]

It can seem a hard life, being a teenager without independent transport. But OP seems to have cash to burn from somewhere (she out and out stated that she pays for everything to do with her horse's upkeep and all her kit), so maybe cutting back a bit on matchy-matchy might free up some spare cash to buy a two-horse trailer to share with someone who has a car.

No, I think she only meant for the days they do go out, I'm not sure everything meant everything horsey.

I pay FOR EVERYTHING, the classes, transport costs, first aid cover, photos.

I'm 35, even now I love it if my Mum comes and watches something

 

[YorksG]

OP, imagine if you read the following post on here :-
"My 14 year old daughter has a pony I bought for her two years ago, we often hack out together and I thought we had good times together. She has now decided that I am selfish because I won't pay for transport for her to go to shows, or PC events, but quite frankly the cost would just be too much for our family finances! I do not enjoy the stress of show atmospheres and cannot abide those parents who push their children at competions."

I am quite sure that everyone would have said that the 14 year old shold have been grateful to have a pony and should not be rude about her mother!

 

[SpringArising]

I originally had planned a much longer response, but turned my fingers seven times around the keyboard before typing.

Good, because you're talking to a child.

 

[minesadouble]

Can’t you explain to your mum how Important competing is to you and maybe come to some compromise? Or try to find some other like minded people without transport and share the cost of hire with them.

I loved competing when I was a child and I now love watching my own children compete, so I have a lot of sympathy with the sentiment in the original post.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

Wow, just wow! I grew up worrying whether my parents had enough money to buy food and you think your mum is selfish because she won't take you out competing!

I was thinking the same.