If anyone finds my confidence please can I have it back?

[seoirse]

Sorry this is long.

For the first time in my riding career I’m having a proper confidence crisis. I’ve been riding over 25 years (and I’m in my 30s!) and have been having regular lessons almost all of those years. I sadly lost my fantastic horse last summer after owning him for 10 years, he was only 14 so it was a horrible shock as I thought he’d be around for a lot longer! I don’t think riding just one horse almost exclusively for 10 years has done my riding much good really either especially as the old boy was quite a tricky chap, but I got used to his ways and we were a great team.

Anyway, I got a new horse last November. I actually had him from a friend who’s gone to live abroad, I’d always admired him so when the opportunity came up to take him on I jumped at the chance. All went fantastically for a few months and I was starting to get really excited about the future with this horse then sadly he mysteriously damaged his neck in the field. The day he did it in January I brought him in in the dark, tacked him up without paying too much attention to what I was doing as I was in a rush, got on him and thought he seemed a bit odd and stiff, asked for trot after a few minutes of rather stuff walking in the school and he exploded, tried to ditch me, leaping about, rearing and spinning. I got off immediately and got the vet the next day, by which time he was looking lame and doddery as he had so much internal swelling by this point it was compressing his spine. After box rest, then field rest and rehab he is now back on form. His neck is stiff but improving, we’ve got lots of stretches and exercises to do and he is able to work nicely in the school now for short periods and seems to be improving almost daily. However, I am now terrified of riding him! I’ve enlisted the help of a guy I know locally who is a super horseman and who rides my horse really well. As I said the horse is coming on loads and every time I ride its positive and nothing bad happens. He is a super horse, and very sensible, but he is prone to the odd bounce and squeal out hacking, or if things get exciting. Previous to this neck problem these little moments of high jinks didn’t bother me in the slightest but it scares the crap out of me now. I don’t really know why. I’ve been thinking of going to see Claire Golding http://www.empathyrider.co.uk/ as she is quite local to me and I’ve heard some good reports about her. It’s really getting me down. I love riding and it’s making me miserable that the thing I love doing the most in the whole world is scaring me – and for no real reason either? I keep trying to get a hold of myself and tell myself I KNOW the horse is better, I KNOW he only tried to deck me because he was in pain, I KNOW he can be a bit of a t*t from time to time but I also KNOW I can deal with it! I can ride after all. My old boy used to try and deck me all the time, and succeeded half the time too especially in the early days, he was a delinquent, but I wasn’t scared of him? Perhaps its just age? I’m in my 30s now and maybe just not as brave as I used to be! I’m so frustrated. Anyone else experienced this and managed to restore their confidence? If so how did you do it?!!!

Tea and scones and jam and cream if you made it to the end!!!

 

[xxMozlarxx]

Yes..lots of times and every time I get a new horse, regardless of how my previous horse behaved. I think it can get worse as you get older confidence comes and goes I find. I just stick with it doing as much or as little as I can. I get professional help too, lessons and get them to ride to get a good feel of what they are teaching. Eventually the nerves subside and the trust grows. Sometimes I get on feeling nervous and get off feeling fine, time in the saddle is the important thing but if I feel really off I do lots of groundwork to develop the bond and to show leadership, this really really helps with the trust. Try not to get frustrated as this doesn't help, don't beat yourself up and try to accept that tomorrow is another day.

 

[Imogen_]

Sorry to hear about your boy, along with the injury of your new horse.
Seems very unfortunate for that to occur whilst getting used to a new horse, but the injury sounds very painful and I am sure the calmest of lead rein ponies would have reacted the same!

The lady you mentioned and linked may be worth a go! With regards to confidence, try setting yourself goals you want to achieve with him. if you only make small ones, the achievements are realistically achievable, making the progress clearer and more optimistic for the both of you.

Sometimes it only takes a small and unexpected thing to knock the most confident of people's confidence. Your reactions sound expected, but you answered your own issues... You know why he did what he did and the chances of it happening again is highly unlikely! Fingers are crossed for the both of you and keep it up. Hope it all works out. In fact, I know it will So tell yourself this too.

 

[DuckToller]

It will come back, just keep at it. If you can find a good instructor that might help, someone sympathetic and kind, but who will also push you just a little.

 

[seoirse]

Thanks folks.

My expectations have changed so much in 12 months. This time last year I was preparing for an ODE, now I'm over the moon if I actually manage to just ride for half an hour in the indoor school. On Sunday I actually cantered without anyone with me to hold my hand! Woo! Terrifying but I was so chuffed when I'd done it and survived.

You are right though, this problem will not be solved overnight. I have been doing tons of ground work with the horse too which has helped loads is great for his neck as well.

Almost everytime I get on feeling nervous and get off feeling fine, and I think great, next time I get on I won't be scared - but I am!

It's good to know I'm not alone though. I've got the indoor school (its a god send, I'd probably be even more terrified without it!) booked tonight and I've made an appointment for a session with Clare Golding too. I'm going to beat these nerves! They are not welcome here!

 

[mulledwhine]

I know how you feel, your situation is very similar to me.

I think my confidence is hiding with yours, so if you find it, can you send it home please!!!

Good luck

 

[seoirse]

I know how you feel, your situation is very similar to me.

I think my confidence is hiding with yours, so if you find it, can you send it home please!!!

Good luck

Believe me, you have my every sympathy! I look at photos of myself riding over the last few years and can hardly believe its me! Good luck beating the nerves, I'll let you know how I go with Clare Golding and if I think its worth a try for you too.

 

[mulledwhine]

Oh yes please, I used to ride anything and everything, te madder the better, had a fall of my trusted boy and smashed my hand, so could not get back on, then just as I was signed off from the physio, found out I was pregnant.....

And then the voices in the head started tat I am not capable, I can't ride, all redicilous, but my nerves now make me tense up and not sit well!!!!

I say that bit I rode a little madam a few months ago that no one would get on ( circumstances dictated thT some one had to otherwise it would be difficult to get home) and I delt with it and in parts enjoyed it , but the little voice in my head was still saying ' you can't do it, you know you want to jump off' !!!

Sorry for the rant, feels quite nice to get it off my chest

Please please do let me know how you get on

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Have you had yourself checked out by a physio?
I found that after a nasty fall, I really couldn't ride as well as I did before (it wasn't just in my mind). A course of physiotherapy helped.

 

[seoirse]

It will come back, just keep at it. If you can find a good instructor that might help, someone sympathetic and kind, but who will also push you just a little.

The guy I mentioned in my first post has been coaching me weekly which has been a great help. Not sure I'd even be back in the saddle without him! I think you are right though, I need to get him to start pushing me a little bit now. He knows the horse as well as I do too so I know he won't ask anything that either of us are not up to. It all seems so easy when I write it down!

 

[xxMozlarxx]

I lost my nerve with no2 horsey after I had keyhole surgery. My daughter would lead me round the school on him (oh the embarrassment!) eventually I was doing walk to canter with no stirrups. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, I find that makes it worse, tell yourself you have nothing to prove and all the time in the world.

 

[legaldancer]

Believe me, you have my every sympathy! I look at photos of myself riding over the last few years and can hardly believe its me! Good luck beating the nerves, I'll let you know how I go with Clare Golding and if I think its worth a try for you too.

Me too. I had to retire my old boy last year and then didn't get on with the two subsequent horses.

Like you I look at the photos and can't believe it's the same person. I had 3 falls from the last horse I had in 3 months and even though two were understandable it seems to have made me think that I'm going to fall off every time I ride.

It's so awful when you become terrified of the one thing you love doing I agree. Good luck with Clare Golding.

 

[seoirse]

Oh yes please, I used to ride anything and everything, te madder the better, had a fall of my trusted boy and smashed my hand, so could not get back on, then just as I was signed off from the physio, found out I was pregnant.....

And then the voices in the head started tat I am not capable, I can't ride, all redicilous, but my nerves now make me tense up and not sit well!!!!

I say that bit I rode a little madam a few months ago that no one would get on ( circumstances dictated thT some one had to otherwise it would be difficult to get home) and I delt with it and in parts enjoyed it , but the little voice in my head was still saying ' you can't do it, you know you want to jump off' !!!

Sorry for the rant, feels quite nice to get it off my chest

Please please do let me know how you get on

I find since I actually aknowledged I was scared and can talk about it I feel better! Sounds a bit silly but I think before I was just frightened and hadn't really even realised why I wasn't enjoying myself! I guess its hard to actually solve the problem til you can accept it. Sorry to hear about your hand - hope its ok now, sounds nasty.

A friend asked me to try a pony for her and her daughter about 3 weeks ago. Pony was advertised as bombproof, but easily could have been anything but. I went and rode it for them, and even hacked out and let rip across some big fields alongside a demented 17hh WB, I really wanted to be sure it was safe for them, and it was. Funnily enough though I wasn't scared on this pony? I felt so elated afterwards too cos the pony went fantastically and I'd had a blast. Maybe its cos it was a 13hh pony that I wasn't worried being on it, though I know as well as anyone else that doesn't make the slightest bit of difference!

I will definitely let you know how I get on with Clare, I've got an appointment on 30th May.

 

[LisaS]

Me too. I had to retire my old boy last year and then didn't get on with the two subsequent horses.

Like you I look at the photos and can't believe it's the same person. I had 3 falls from the last horse I had in 3 months and even though two were understandable it seems to have made me think that I'm going to fall off every time I ride.

It's so awful when you become terrified of the one thing you love doing I agree. Good luck with Clare Golding.

I think my confidence is in the same 'lost confidence' place as a few other people on here

I've had my boy for 6 months and had 3 falls also, so the confidence goes up & down. I'm having 2 lessons a week (1 group, 1 private) to help with both my riding and confidence.

I survived a decent buck on saturday and managed to stay on, but confidence is a low again. I hate being such a wimp

So how do we all buck ourselves up ???

 

[seoirse]

So how do we all buck ourselves up ???

Not sure what the answer is but maybe we form a 'former confident riders clique'!

Seriously though, WELL DONE for surviving a buck. Bad pony for bucking though.

I don't know how confidence can just evaporate, it's rubbish. I'm really hoping this trip to see Clare Goldie can help mine - I'll definitely report back!

 

[Jazzy B]

I lost my confidence last year - big time!! I felt sick getting on without a back protector, I was horse hunting and everything I went to see frightened the c*** out of me - major, major low!!! I even got asked by one girl whether I would like to go and try her mates horse because he was really good with beginners! I've been riding since I was a child and now in my 30s too! Anyway, I finally found my lad who the first time I ever rode him was a complete sweetheart I was still very nervous but have found Kelly Marks "perfect confidence" a real help, I've cut pictures out of magazines to give me inspiration as to where I would like to be i.e. a girl riding out in the country side, popping a jump etc etc. Now got one of a girl jumping a hefty sized jump x country - wondering when going to build up to that one having lessons has helped a lot too!

 

[rubysmum]

oh - i share yr pain & with nothing at all to cause it
my big girl who i had owned for about 9 yrs was PTS in feb - i have a lovely little horse on trial & god bless him he hasnt put a hoof wrong - BUT everytime i ride him i am terified - to the extent of popping herbal calmers [ for me- not him] like they are smarties & its not really helped that i am usualy the only person on the yard when i ride
but, i have started a my tried & tested [ by me anyway] approach to riding confidence.................the ride yourself into boredom technique
so, for 1 week, i tell myself i am only allowed to ride in walk - after 5 days of that i am so bored [ he does get to do other things as well - so that he doesnt get bored too] - that trotting seems attractive - then the same rule aplies to trotting and then up to cantering - if i start feeling wibbly- we go back a step - has definitely worked in the past & seems to be working this time

 

[rose bud]

I think that there must be a confidence thief about because he's stolen mine too!
I'm getting so down and frustrated with myself!!
I too am in my 30's and have been riding since a child (although did have a break in the middle) and nothing about riding used to scare me. I bought a horse last year that turned out to be unsuitable for me and after a hard decision sold her and bought my 'confidence giving plod'
All was going well until I asked someone who was advertising as a rider to exercise her for me over the winter and the second time she took her out my mare bucked her off on the road! I didn't see this incident but have to take the girls word for it and now my confidence with my lovely mare is in tatters!
I have since had two instructors riding her and she has never done it since and I have been out on her in the last couple of weeks but I feel like I am forcing myself to do it.
I love my mare, love riding and am not nervous to ride other horses, just have a massive problem with riding my own!
I just want to enjoy going for a nice hack on my own horse. Will have a look at the link you put up and please let me know how you get on!

 

[Jazzy B]

that's it we need a lost in your 30s confidence club!

 

[Daisy2]

Yes..lots of times and every time I get a new horse, regardless of how my previous horse behaved. I think it can get worse as you get older confidence comes and goes I find. I just stick with it doing as much or as little as I can. I get professional help too, lessons and get them to ride to get a good feel of what they are teaching. Eventually the nerves subside and the trust grows. Sometimes I get on feeling nervous and get off feeling fine, time in the saddle is the important thing but if I feel really off I do lots of groundwork to develop the bond and to show leadership, this really really helps with the trust. Try not to get frustrated as this doesn't help, don't beat yourself up and try to accept that tomorrow is another day.

Agree with this and the ground work is an excellent way to bond and understand your horses mood, attention span, interest in you etc. Cant stress the ground work enough, if you plan to ride do, the ground work tacked up, then when you feel ready, hop on, even if its just for a short time, and then increase. In know time you will wonder why you felt nervous ( a little is natural and not a bad thing). I am looking into clicker training, looks fun.

 

[teasle]

Search ffor Cathy Sirett on here. She has a link to a blog she is doing that gives you understanding of confidence issues.

 

[Ladydragon]

that's it we need a lost in your 30s confidence club!

Can the 40 plus's join it too?

Another one with confidence that's packed up and left home... I never realised how fragile confidence could be until I hauled my backside into the saddle after 25yrs... Discovered that a) I filled it a lot more these days and b) I was a nervous wreck...

I think injury or 'time out' can be a major factor... A young friend was leaping on anything, backing, jumping, competing - the works... Went to university, had hardly any chance to ride, finished study and couldn't cope with anything other than a plodding hack... A youngster, a very competent rider, not an overly long period of time, but confidence gone...

I don't even know what I'm 'scared' of... When one of ours has had a few pretty dramatic moments, I've sat it fine and got him under control... But I over think everything, get myself into a mental muddle, lose all 'automation' of what my body should be doing and generally lose the plot... Not sure if I'm worried I'm going to be run away with and lose control or that we get into a mess and I can't get us out of it... I wish I could pin point it, at least I'd have something to work with...

 

[xxMozlarxx]

By trying to pinpoint it you're continuing to over think it, just what you 'pinpoint' as being the issue. It's not irrational to have nerves riding a horse, they are strong, unpredictable and you can get hurt. The key is to try to imagine doing something well, to replace the negative voice with a positive one. Trying to find a reason just keeps the frustration and stress going IMO.

 

[OakleyEarth]

I had a nasty fall 2 years ago when my (Jeffries) bit snapped in half whilst galloping up a stubble field. I came off, badly concussed etc. It's done extreme
Damage to my confidence- I avoided riding my horse for the best part of a year and although I am riding again now I rarely leave the school or go faster than trot. I understand the extreme frustration - my horse is no saint but his behaviour doesn't warrant such extreme fear...

I'm looking into hypnotherapy as I feel that my body overrides my head by going into panic mode which makes me worse. I swear I need Valium!!

Good luck.. It's sh** but you'll get there. Funny how we get alot more mortal once you're over 25

 

[rose bud]

I have been considering hypnotherapy too!
I would be very interested to hear if anyone has had it and whether it worked for them!

 

[seoirse]

It's reassuring to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry to hear so many others are suffering a confidence crisis too. It's interesting to hear other peoples tactics for overcoming it though. I'll definitely update after I've been to Clare Goldie, but if anyone makes any breakthroughs before then make sure you update here!

I have a horrendous cold which is so annoying as I couldn't ride last night and I was all fired up ready to try and be brave but I ended up feeling so rough it was all I could do to get through a day at work, go and feed my horse and go home and lie on the sofa! I've got the indoor arena booked for tomorrow night though and I've made a little action plan. I'm going to put some poles out so I can warm up in walk and trot and a bit of canter if I feel brave enough and then go over the poles, even if its just in walk I'll be pleased with myself afterwards. Horse will have had 2 days off so I can start him on the lunge if I feel I need to as he's a dobbin on the lunge (and most of the rest of the time too really!). Then I've got my long suffering Mum lined up to come and hang about at the yard Sat and Sun while I ride as I always feel so much better if I have someone with me. They don't even have to contribute really, just having someone 'there' helps!

Good luck everyone - we can so do this!

 

[seoirse]

Funny how we get alot more mortal once you're over 25

Weird isn't it?! I wonder why? It doesn't seem to happen to men much though, so it must be hormones or something?!

 

[seoirse]

Can the 40 plus's join it too?

I don't even know what I'm 'scared' of... When one of ours has had a few pretty dramatic moments, I've sat it fine and got him under control... But I over think everything, get myself into a mental muddle, lose all 'automation' of what my body should be doing and generally lose the plot... Not sure if I'm worried I'm going to be run away with and lose control or that we get into a mess and I can't get us out of it... I wish I could pin point it, at least I'd have something to work with...

Everyone can join!

I'm exactly the same, I can ride well when things are all calm and lovely, but as soon as 'something' happens, I just freeze and the world goes into fast forward around me! I don't really know what I'm afraid of either but I just wish I could stay relaxed and deal with whatever is going on like I used to! I hacked out last week and had a lovely ride, then on the way back into the yard on the driveway a group of horses turned out next to the driveway were having a hoolie as they were wanting to be brought in, my horse grew about 4 hands and bounced past them, he was really good about it to be honest and didn't 'do' anything but I was terrified! I just couldn't beleive how unbrave I was being about it. I was elated when I got back to the yard in one piece though and as soon as we got past them my horse went back to sleep as he always does - bless him.

 

[seoirse]

Search ffor Cathy Sirett on here. She has a link to a blog she is doing that gives you understanding of confidence issues.

I found this blog it's here if anyone else wants to have a look:
http://effectivehorsemanship.wordpress.com/

 

[kezz86]

It's reassuring to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry to hear so many others are suffering a confidence crisis too. It's interesting to hear other peoples tactics for overcoming it though. I'll definitely update after I've been to Clare Goldie, but if anyone makes any breakthroughs before then make sure you update here!

I have a horrendous cold which is so annoying as I couldn't ride last night and I was all fired up ready to try and be brave but I ended up feeling so rough it was all I could do to get through a day at work, go and feed my horse and go home and lie on the sofa! I've got the indoor arena booked for tomorrow night though and I've made a little action plan. I'm going to put some poles out so I can warm up in walk and trot and a bit of canter if I feel brave enough and then go over the poles, even if its just in walk I'll be pleased with myself afterwards. Horse will have had 2 days off so I can start him on the lunge if I feel I need to as he's a dobbin on the lunge (and most of the rest of the time too really!). Then I've got my long suffering Mum lined up to come and hang about at the yard Sat and Sun while I ride as I always feel so much better if I have someone with me. They don't even have to contribute really, just having someone 'there' helps!

Good luck everyone - we can so do this!

I wrote a lovely long reply and my silly computer lost it all so the short version is...

I lost my confident nearly 3 years ago and it's taken me this long to nearly recover!

Two main things that have helped...

1. Kelly Mark's "Perfect Confidence"

2. My new wonderful horse Izzy who is the perfect confidence giver...

There is hope for us all yet! I highly recommend the book if you genuinely would like your confidence back!

I guess the other factor that has helped is time... don't rush into things you aren't ready for, take baby steps and slowly push yourself into doing things you once did.