If you were to sell your horse, how would you describe it?

Itchy gelding seeks owner with long fingernails and no sense of shame/propriety to scratch the spot where his balls once hung.

In return, he'll turn his hoof to most things, provided you don't want to do any of them in an arena.
 
Haha some of these are great :D


Juno - 16.2hh (or 17hh if he sees a monster), grey (underneath all that brown stuff I promise), German warmblood, 15 years old.

Perfect all rounder - if you want to go all round as slowly as possible. Safe enough in the arena for beginners/children despite his size (Children can perfect those pony club kicks to try and move the big lump)! Big mover (his trot will send you into orbit).

Potential to do a nice dressage test if you can keep him focused long enough, brilliant flying changes and leg yield (not when you ask for it but he'll throw them in somewhere). Genuine jumper, never refuses and happy to pop round a course of jumps, has the ability to squeeze strides in and take off a million miles away (great test for your balance).

Hacks alone and in company. Takes confidence in rider when alone, great in traffic but it's the invisible monsters in the bushes/behind the hedge you need to watch out for - has a perfect reverse gear to reverse himself away from them. Great in company (but slow), won't race or try and overtake others (will not lead the ride in any circumstance!).

Good doer (will eat anything in sight). Good to catch/groom/tackup/clip. Travels GREAT (when you can get him in the box........). Great ground manners (most of the time), doesn't kick/bite/bolt. Sweet boy who only wants to please (when he feels like it...)
 
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Is 'likes to dribble food down the back of your neck' considered a good selling point? No? How about 'enjoys sucking human fingers'?. OK...think I'd better keep her then. ;)
 
Damnation said:
Dutch Warmblood mare, 15 years old.

Well bred, good paces, good to clip, box, shoe, good ground manners.

Hates being in more than overnight, don't even bother trying to keep her in longer, she will climb the wall (literally). Good to catch, unless you try to catch her in before her alloted time, then you have no chance.

Prone to Colitis, cannot eat hayledge. Prone to eye infections in summer, refuses to wear a mask or fringe, or let you put drops in.

Good to ride, if you have a deathwish. Does stop, eventually. Won't take a contact, can't take your leg, DO NOT RIDE WITH A WHIP, can't take any pressure at all. Jumps up to 1 metre, any higher and she just rears. Hacks alone at 100mph, hacks in company at 200mph, don't even bother with large groups, they blow the darlings little brains.

Loves kids, doesn't kick or bite.
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Hahahaha, this is brilliant!
 
Caol Ila said:
Gypsum -- 23 year old Shire TBX mare requires slave to keep her in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed. Must be turned out when she wants and brought in when she wants. Doesn't play nice with others and requires a pet horse no one, including humans, touches, ever, or failing that, individual turnout. Don't even think of keeping her at a yard with 24/7 turnout. Works up to elementary/medium dressage so long as the rider has some degree of competence. Plods around like an on the forehand donkey if they don't, but at least won't try to kill anyone unless she is in season. Typical schoolmistress: thinks her primary job is keeping the rider on board. If she thinks the rider isn't capable of riding any given gait, she won't do it (unless she is in season, in which case she doesn't care). Hacks alone and in company. Generally not spooky, although she can teleport when she wants. Hates cows. Loves jumping. Wishes she had an owner who isn't chickensh** t over fences higher than 2'6. Good for farrier/vet. Okay to trailer but requires owner with large trailer/lorry. Just try getting her into a single horse death box. Try it. Go on.
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Death box hahaha
 
great eventer for someone unambitious

7/8yr (acts more like 6/7 as had a foal) 15.1hh chestnut mare (this is actually a good thing she thoroughly enjoys rolling), *irish sport horse* (breeding-unknown-maybe-this-maybe-that-but-think-she-has-cob-in-her-sort??)

competed sj up to 1m and is good if you can tolerate her bombing round the warm up arena for 5mins BEFORE you start 'warming up'. done xc up to 1m and evented 90 but got eliminated coz the xc was 'scary'. she is also not fast xc. dressage is not her forte. she become a giraffe with no balance or brakes the moment you enter the arena even if she warms up nicely. has hunted once and enjoyed it but does need red ribbon. been to beach and was scared of the sea. hacks nicely alone but tries to bite/kick in company. needs regular riding by competent rider or will nap.

sweet on the ground but will try and bite you when putting on rugs/saddle on (saddle is regularly checked and fits). good to catch/clip/shoe/vet/dentist but can be tricky to load if you drove badly the last time. breaks things if she's hungry. never been sick or sorry but can cough if she gets hay which she will scoff if you give it to her. she can also untie herself.

she is a joy if you have a sense of humour and she is very cute and has nice markings: blaze three good socks and a grey mane but couldn't show as she has a splint.
 
16.1HH (according to passport though looks more like 16.3hh) ISH chestnut tank on chicken legs. 14 years old though very very late start to ridden career. This is the chestnut mare that EVERY stereotype was written about. At home she is a calm novice ride that will accept any jockey.... as long as you only canter when she wants to or you're approaching a fence - if not just know you'll get a schoolmistress lesson in aerial acrobatics. Out and about this mare turns into Valegro even if you want to hack out in walk - shoulder in, half pass... dont question her... just ride through it - the villagers will eventually understand your smile is infact a grimace of prayer that you want to live through the ride. Does like a good gallop but rivals even the best hunter; understanding of hand break or no break needed though. Beyond sensitive in the mouth. Jumps ANYTHING so be careful which direction you point her... a hedge will not stop her if she decides to charge. Will load herself into a trailer - excellent to travel though has to be alone as likes to bully her travel companion. At home this mare thinks she is top dog - individual turnout is a must if you dont want nasty vet bills. Lovingly known as "the rottweiler" by the local vet she is Loyal to a fault and will protect you from anything she deems a threat .... unless its a human capable of stroking her; then meh - you're on your own. Brilliant for the vet though typically stubborn for the farrier. Wont bite or kick but is an expert at the sulking refusal of picking her back feet up. Cleared 1.4m out jumping and makes easy of medium/advanced dressage moves when not actually asked for them

And if i actually wanted rid of her (of course id never lie about her "quirks");

16.1hh 14yr old ISH mare. Striking chestnut lady capable of the moves to impress - loves to show off in crowds. This mare is capable of anything though lives to jump - couldnt find a more genuine hunter out there. No fence or hedge will faze her, once she commits she will take on any challenge. LOVES people and children though needs individual turn out. Full of character though never dangerous to handle. Needs an experienced rider or capable jockey with a sticky bum as she does try her luck at times in the menage though will never put her rider at risk. This quirky mare will quickly become a favourite with the family if given the respect her size deserves. Leg in each corner type that lives off fresh air. Uncomplicated to care for once you get to bond and understand her.
 
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