I'm an anti-social livery and I need advice

abbijay

abbijay

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There's a lovely family who live next door to my yard and now have a horse on the yard. I've got to know them and they often pop round to see me when I'm on the yard. I come down late at night so it's nice to have some company occasionally which I just don't get most of the time but it's currently getting to be a bit too much. I enjoy the peace and quiet of being just me and my horse, I'm in a separate barn away from the main hubbub and I like being there after everyone else has gone home.
The mum is lovely and we have become friends and I certainly don't want to upset her with my grumpy anti-social attitude to "me time" but her daughter is starting to get a little under foot. She's quite young, early high school, but currently I can't come to the yard without her appearing and just hanging around. She's a really nice polite kid and is really interested in horses but is too young/unskilled to ride the family horse yet so I think she's hoping that one day I will offer mine up (I was a horseless youngster, I really understand that feeling). I do let people ride mine including my own kids but on this occasion I just don't want to.
I currently can not come to the yard without her coming round. Yesterday I wrote on our message board to inform the staff that I had the vet coming at 5pm, at 1 minute to the kid turned up on the yard to see me and I had to say that I was busy with the vet. I was polite and she was respectful of my request but as soon as the vet left she was back.
She isn't actually doing anything and I know she doesn't perceive the intrusion the way I do she just follows me and wants to talk to me. If I'm mucking out or grooming she stands at the stable door, if I go to the field she tags along and she'll watch me ride. I know I am being selfish wanting her to back off and as the grown up it is my responsibility to resolve it amicably. I am considering speaking to her mum about it, not saying she can't come round but maybe asking her to limit it to one night a week but I think the kid will be offended and probably the mum will be too and she'll feel unwelcome as well - actually having a grown up to chat to is far less intrusive to me but I still want some time just me and my horse!
So HHOers, wwyd?
 
Oh lawks I hate these kinds of dilemmas and not sure I’m very good at dealing with them in reality. I also think I’ve been that little girl a long time ago haha. Sounds like you are a handy baby sitter during the summer hols for a bored horse loving little girl and whilst it will stop when she goes back to school, that’s a way off!

I’d have a word with her mum, couch it in nice terms as you say (lovely girl, love how keen she is, really like our friendship etc etc) and then explain your needs/wants. All done in a constructive way, nothing personal about them, don’t mean to offend and please don’t take this to mean I never want to talk to her...then your suggestion for what you’d be comfortable with. Explain also that you’re a bit shy or a loner, or whatever it is you want to say to help explain.

If they are decent people they will be ok with it. If not, then they aren’t people you want to be around. It’s better to deal with it than hope it’ll sort itself out I’d say.
 
Is this more a school holiday problem?
If you are friends with her Mum then I would speak to her about it.
 
I think I would develop a love for ear phones!

Maybe learn a language or something on an Ipod?

I may also learn horse massage or similar, and need to be alone to practice? So I can concentrate.
 
ester said:
Is this more a school holiday problem?
If you are friends with her Mum then I would speak to her about it.
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It is worse in school hols but, because of the time I come down, for normal people it's after homework and tea time so I know my horse is way more interesting than tv/internet/whatever kids do these days!
Hubby and I had a chat last night about it and agreed to speak to the mum but I'd had 3 strong mojitos by that point so wanted to check in the cold light of day!
 
Thinking about it, I keep horses at home, so not such an issue, but sometimes family will come out in my horse time. Sometimes I just have to say that it has been a busy day and I don't feel like talking, and I would like to be alone. That is all about me, not about them. They were surprised the first few times, but now understand.
 
I can see your point of view but I also feel for the poor child too.
Ask her does she want to learn, do more with horses and thats why she is following you around?
Could you speak to her mum about maybe getting her own pony or going to a riding school and even helping out at a yard which she would be interested in such as filling haynets at an event yard etc... basically help find her a new friend to follow. She might not have many friends at school, and good on her for not just sitting at a computer all day.
 
Could you perhaps have a word with mum and say some days you're in a rush and unfortunately don't have time to chat and maybe try having some 'set' days that the girl can come and help you out with your horse (not necessarily ride just help out) and then you know you'll have some me time.

I get how you feel though because I can be a bit anti-social. Not because I don't like to people, just sometimes I like to have my own space, especially if I've had a stressful day.
 
The OP said they do have a family horse though, so if the kid just wants horse time there is one available?

Personally I would really struggle with set days on a regular basis.
 
I’d probably give her something useful to do and hope it resolves, tack cleaning, poo picking etc, all the jobs she’ll get bored of and have to do alone.
 
I'd get her to muck out or poo pick. She'll go away when she's had enough. I need my alone time too. I find too much company both exhausting and irritating, especially too much talking :(
 
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I would make my routine very unpredictable for a week or two, so she gets bored of waiting for you and moves onto something else to entertain herself. I feel a bit sorry for her as she sounds like she is at a loose end and her mum probably needs to help her with that. Its a bit of a nuisance to change your plans but I think it would be worth it if you get your peace back.
 
Id be tempted to play the Health & Safety and/or the I'm not covered on my Insurance card. Speak to the mum and say you have concerns about the child's safety around horses, and that it isn't your responsibility to watch their child. Say that your horse can be dangerous at times if necessary and say that you aren't covered by your Insurers should something go wrong.

I can be anti social when I am with my horse, I want to be alone and enjoy MY time with MY horse - especially if I have had a ***** day at work!!!
 
I think that it's best to just come straght out with it. Speak to mum in a friendly manner and explain that you're tired and brain dead in the evening so not feeling sociable. This is 'your' downtime with your horse. Not wanting to interact with other people at that time is nothing against her daughter in particular.

I think that sometimes folk can tie themselves in apologetic knots trying not to offend others, and then the message doesn't get across clearly.
 
EKW said:
Take up going for hacks with no set time limit so the kid gets bored waiting for you to come back.

I'm so glad I'm not on a livery yard!
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This.

If you have a manege then you could ride and take to listening to music whilst you do so. Just tell her it helps you to relax and the horse goes better.

They might be going on holiday soon which might give you a break.

It will be difficult to approach the mother without making it seem that you dislike her daughters company. You say she is polite its more about you so just generally making yourself slightly less available will help to break what appears to have become a habit.
 
Tiddlypom said:
I think that it's best to just come straght out with it. Speak to mum in a friendly manner and explain that you're tired and brain dead in the evening so not feeling sociable. This is 'your' downtime with your horse. Not wanting to interact with other people at that time is nothing against her daughter in particular.

I think that sometimes folk can tie themselves in apologetic knots trying not to offend others, and then the message doesn't get across clearly.
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Agree with this. There is nothing wrong with wanting quiet time with just your horse for company. I too would not want someone hanging about, following me everywhere. Sometimes I will stop and chat at the yard, but most of the time I just get on and enjoy being with my horses, which is my downtime and something that is very precious to me.
I understand people saying they feel sorry for the young girl, but if OP is not happy to have her company then they should not feel obliged, or have to give her jobs with the idea of it eventually putting her off. I'd have an honest chat with her Mum (as above) and suggest posting in a local horsey group if daughter wants to help out/be around horses, then she will have the company of someone who is happy for her to be there.
 
Sympathies. I used to have this from a field neighbour. I wasn't on a yard, but both kids would come hurtling across the field as soon as they saw me. At times I would park somewhere else so they didn't hear/see my car coming down the drive!! Lovely kids (as they go), but I'm also anti-social. Thee parents even asked me if they could buy a pony and share my field - I said no, outright. When they put a pony on a close by yard, the issue resolved. I'm surprised the parents aren't actively involving the kid with their own horse - she's certainly old enough and it does sound like you're becoming free child care. I would also be honest and just explain to the parent that you use this time as unwinding time and don't want to engage with anyone unless you have to. Or ask the yard owner what their policy is on unaccompanied children? After all, it should be her mother supervising her, not another livery.
 
I had a similar thing happen at one yard a woman and her daughter just wouldn't leave me alone I used to try and hide from them in the end, it got to a point where I just never got anything done as they would stand almost blocking me from coming out of my stable so they could chat to me, it drove me bloody mad to be honest.
 
AandK said:
Agree with this. There is nothing wrong with wanting quiet time with just your horse for company. I too would not want someone hanging about, following me everywhere. Sometimes I will stop and chat at the yard, but most of the time I just get on and enjoy being with my horses, which is my downtime and something that is very precious to me.
I understand people saying they feel sorry for the young girl, but if OP is not happy to have her company then they should not feel obliged, or have to give her jobs with the idea of it eventually putting her off. I'd have an honest chat with her Mum (as above) and suggest posting in a local horsey group if daughter wants to help out/be around horses, then she will have the company of someone who is happy for her to be there.
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This.

At the end of the day, it's making you unhappy and you have to be selfish sometimes. I try to avoid neighbouring fields when going to the yard if I see someone else is there because I don't want to stand and chat. I like to potter and be on my own without anyone else there. I wouldn't have any worry telling the kid or the mum that I want her to stop hanging around me all the time. Not because I'm horrible but because I think you only have one life, you shouldn't have to spend it all worrying how others will react or feel about something that is upsetting you. If they want to hold a grudge, let them, that's their own prerogative, at least they will leave you alone! You shouldn't feel obliged to be friendly to everyone, think about you.
 
Agree with people who've said get one of the tiny iPods and headphones, if she tries to chat say sorry I'm listening to an audible book don't want to miss anything can't chat. Say it with a smile. Then just ignore her, she'll get bored.
I don't like confrontations and would do this.
 
You have my hugest sympathies.

I am the most anti social person I know, it genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious to make small talk with strangers/people I dont know what to say to!

As a kid I spent a lot of time alone at my livery yard, favouring the company of adults to other youngsters - but would only spend time with the adults if invited to! Wouldnt just hang about around them as that would be awkward - and really enjoyed time just me and my pony.

As an adult I've been on a few yards and never made a single friend 🙈 I actively avoided other people and never had the issue of hangers on.

Now I have sole use and couldn't be happier!

Maybe try talking to her mum - or getting your YO to?? Such an awkward situation though so I dont envy you!
 
Thank you all for the feedback, i really appreciate it.
I genuinely want to be nice to the girl and remain friendly with her mum but equally i don't want to take responsibility for her or encourage her more to hang out with me. I know I could take time getting her to help with the mucking out and grooming or even letting her ride but put simply I like doing these things for my horse. As others have said she has a family horse she could do things for albeit he is too young and flighty for her to do much handling and riding but I'm not sure I'd be happy with her doing these things for me either. I think mostly she's lonely as she lives in a fairly rural area with no school friends nearby.
I don't want to bring the YO into this as I'm sure the policy is no unsupervised U16s but this would cause fall out and undermine the friendship I have.
I think for the next few days I will wear headphones and see how we get on! I suspect she will just follow me around anyway. If that doesn't work next week I'll speak to her mum.
I know come the middle of winter when it's freezing and raining horizontally and I've not seen anyone for 3 weeks I will be thinking "wouldn't it be nice to have someone to chat to"... Oh the joys of being a contrary, miserable, mildly eccentric woman!
 
I too would favour the blunt-but-honest approach to the mother; reiterating that the daughter has done nothing wrong, and is polite and pleasant, it's just that you're tired after a full day's work and commute, and don't have the energy for company.

I enjoy my own company, but have come to realise that a lot of people find this an alien concept, and really need it spelt out to them.
 
Jill's Gym Karma said:
I too would favour the blunt-but-honest approach to the mother; reiterating that the daughter has done nothing wrong, and is polite and pleasant, it's just that you're tired after a full day's work and commute, and don't have the energy for company.

I enjoy my own company, but have come to realise that a lot of people find this an alien concept, and really need it spelt out to them.
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The best approach imo - pussy footing and excuse making makes you appear in the wrong when you're not, you are simply exercising the right to enjoy your (expensive) hobby in the way you choose.
 
You're allowed to set boundaries. Truly. I know it's hard to accept but it is perfectly reasonable to ask for some space. It just feels like it isn't because we're socially programmed to be nice and to shove our needs to the bottom of the pile.

I hate it. When myself and OH go to the yard he feels no obligation to chat to anyone unless he wants to and gets to crack on without guilt. I just end up exhausted from trying to talk or guilty that I didn't.

Have a chat with mum. Just say that you really enjoy her and her daughter's company but also need some alone time with your horses and could she encourage her daughter to do something else and just come and see you a couple of times a week. How they respond is up to them.
 
PapaverFollis said:
You're allowed to set boundaries. Truly. I know it's hard to accept but it is perfectly reasonable to ask for some space. It just feels like it isn't because we're socially programmed to be nice and to shove our needs to the bottom of the pile.

I hate it. When myself and OH go to the yard he feels no obligation to chat to anyone unless he wants to and gets to crack on without guilt. I just end up exhausted from trying to talk or guilty that I didn't.

Have a chat with mum. Just say that you really enjoy her and her daughter's company but also need some alone time with your horses and could she encourage her daughter to do something else and just come and see you a couple of times a week. How they respond is up to them.
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This makes sense
 
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