I'm gutted-I feel like a failure and so disappointed!

One has to expect these things I am afraid, just put your brave pants on, but its not "failure" I lost my nerve two or three times and ended op working in racing, I just told myself I was invincible, and it seemed to work.

Even with younger, but experienced, pro riders it happens when they get a fright: we had to prise the reins out of one girl's hands [the horse deposited her on the grass in front of the trainers office, which we thought was really amusing!] She got over it.

These things happen.
 
All your comments are really helping me, so thank you. My rational mind agrees with you all and he is just behaving like a horse. I would never hold that against him. I suppose I doubt myself and my capabilities. I've had horses for 30 years and I'm 46 now. My older cob is now 14 and I backed her 10 years ago. She's had her moment but never done this to me. I know I shouldn't compare but my experiences with her makes up part of my experience. He's a very big horse 16hh and built like a tank. He's a Clyde x hw cob.

I'm just sad!
 
Poor you, sounds nasty :-(
I have been through similar, got bronced off twice having 'backed' him myself initially. I have had him since he was 15 mths and he took to being sat on and hacked out really well.
However, like you it all went a bit wrong and, after him then having a complete fit just having a saddle put on, we realised the saddle was causing him pain and he was simply reacting this. Over a year later, he is now 5, he is with a professional to re-back and get him over his saddle fear (i just need to then get over the fear of how he may react putting a saddle on!). So far so good and he's had a saddle (we had to have one made for him) on every day, been lunged in it and she's ridden him most days for very short periods.
You may need to do something similar. Get his back and saddle checked and then maybe get a trusted professional to work with him.
 
I thought I would never trust my mare again after she tried to dump me a few times(shes a 10 year old TB) , but you do get there, it's just a matter of building you confidence and his confidence up too! Keep at it and door a lot of ground work with him when you are recovered to build both you confidence back up again.
 
Your other mare IS 1 in a million ... you will struggle to find any other horse to compare to her.

I`m so sad for you that he had this *blip* as i`ve seen your struggles with him, and the lengths you have gone to for him when his feet weren`t right ... the trials and tribulations (and the rosettes) ...

It is all very raw right now, as is the case when you`ve had the stuffing knocked out of you and are in pain. I know what you mean about feeling you`ll never trust him again, and sometimes that really can become a downward spiral where you (and the horse) and round in ever decreasing circles ... you`re scared for what he "might" do and so (subconciously) ride defensively, he doesn`t know you`re riding defensively because of something *he* might do, he just feels you are tense, which in turn makes him feel tense, you feel that and you feel more tense, which in turn makes him feel more tense and away you go on the downhill slope .....


Realistically you have 3 options.

1) Start at the beginning again, and maybe have lessons with him from someone you trust who can cast a fresh pair of eyes over it all for you ... see if it`s can just be a true young horsey blip that with the right help you can over come.

2) Loan him, or get a sharer in to ride him and bring him on for a while for you (then maybe revert to step 1)

3) Call it a day and sell him on to someone who won`t carry the same trust issues.


I`m sorry it`s happened, I really am, but with all you HAVE been through with him, don`t ever think it`s wasted time ... he`s taught you so much on teaching manners, and dietary requirements for good hoof growth, supplements etc .. he`s pushed you to learn more, and that is never, ever time wasted ;)
 
Lovely post by Woolybear and others too.

No need for a rash decision on the horse - he was just being a baby horse. His encyclopedia for the day became overloaded with new stuff and he was having a moment. If you'd not been injured and had landed softly in a school or grass, you probably wouldn't be thinking of selling him.

Nerves, esp as we get older and us women get nearer the menopause, can be horrible mind-consuming things. Nerves fill us with negative energy, with dread, with fear, with depression, with "what's the point", with visualisations of forthcoming accidents and injuries, etc. The chimp is firmly out of the cage.

A recent thread on a triathlon forum asked women what were were symptoms of approaching menopause. The most common response was "lack of self-confidence", "loss of self-confidence" and depression/can't be arsed/why bother new things/let's be safe/let's be comfy/let's stay where we know.

I think having that knowledge inside our heads (I'm late 40s) helps us cope when we get the chimp out of its cage and attacking us. Put it back and shut the door.

Planning what we're going to do before we do it, setting everything in place for a successful outcome, visualising beforehand, and making sure we only do what we intend to do and don't then add in something unplanned because the planned stuff has gone so well.

Listing afterwards what went well about the day. All helps with positivity. We learn from each thing we do as well, not just the horse doing the learning.

Getting enough sleep and rest is much more important as we get older, and also helps keep us positive mindset.

Good diet, not too much alcohol, sugar, etc.

Destress.

So concentrate on yourself and your recovery. Be gentle on yourself. Recognise when your chimp is out and sort him out and put him back in his cage, for all things, not just 4yo horses.

As for the horse, to have achieved a backed horse from a foal over 4 years is a BIG SUCCESS. You have done really well to get that far. Backing is the start of the formal adult education, not the moment where we can sit and relax and ride. All the other stuff that you've done - vet, farrier, stable, lead, groom, handling all good education which YOU have put into him. So well done.

I also have a 4yo, owned since a foal. Each new adventure gives him new stuff for his encyclopedia. Each thing we do is rehearsed mentally in my mind first. We have steps forward and steps back. I have wibbles. He has wibbles. And we have lots of supportive input from people we trust around us.

I wish you all the best in your recovery. May you soon be up on your feet and in the saddle of choice again.
 
Hi there

I was exactly where you are back in march, very similar experience with my 5yr old bad fall thought I'd broke my back. I really beat myself up over things, lost all my confidence and I was going to sell horse and give up.

Advertised for a loan home but when it came down to it, I couldn't go through with it. I have been lucky and have found a great person who rides him for me and just by watching the pair of them together has made a huge difference and I love just watching them !

Also I am now back to hacking him out. Like you I also have an older horse (semi retired), so I have been riding her a bit more. Since I took the pressure of myself I have felt loads better about things and I am looking forward to a future with my youngster :)

Really hope that you get yourself mended quickly and find a person who can help Good Luck x
 
Great support again, thanks. I'm getting someone out to check his back on Monday so that's a start. I've also been in touch with the person who backed him for me and I'll meet with him soon.

I'm feeling slightly more peaceful about the event today but no where near being able yo analyse it and understand it. That will come with time I suppose and when I'm physically more able to move around and safely spend time with both him and my older mare.
 
Horses have the capacity to make us all feel like failures at some point! But you're not a failure, and you haven't wasted four years. It's an on-going learning curve being round horses, and this is just a point on that curve for you. I understand that you don't feel you will trust him again, but you've given what is obviously a difficult horse a good start so if you decide to sell him on then the buyer has that bit less work to do. Give yourself a bit of time before you make any decisions. Do you think he might have tweaked something when he bolted and that hurt him when you took your feet out of the stirrups, or is he prone to bucking anyway? Whatever, I hope you heal quickly and put this all behind you so you can enjoy your horses again.
 
He's never bucked like this. He's had the odd lift with his back but nothing much. Even lunging he's grounded. His flight instinct is near the surface though and that is to manage...and I always have but this was something else! I'm getting his back checked out on Monday.

He was also bitless but I doubt that caused it. Maybe it didn't help me being able to stop him while he was panicking and not listening though.
 
Another who is sorry to read this. So unfortunate and It sounds like he just panicked again the second time - you must have been nervy from the bolt and he was just waiting on high alert for a danger signal to take flight again Don't take this incident personally and I agree with the good advice to engage some experienced help whilst you are out if the saddle. Green sensitive horses overreact and it will take some time and trust to get him to tone down his flight response to something acceptable.
 
I'd love to say 'keep him, persevere, it'll be fine'
But I know what it's like to lose trust in a horse. I also spent 4 years persevering and hoping it would be fine, all the while trying to find reasons not to ride! I had lost all faith in him and eventually we ended up stuck in a barbed wire fence because of an unnecessary argument (I said straight on, he said left) I didn't ride him again and sold him soon after. Best descision I ever made. Riding is supposed to be fun, and if you don't have the right partner in crime, it won't be.
 
Thanks for that jo1987...I'm thinking about that too. Hence why I feel a failure I suppose. I'm very muddled in my head but ultimately I know we aren't a match made in heaven, even though I'm proud of him and his far we've come. I'm torn between carrying on and selling him. He's a very smart, tri coloured maxi cob type and I should be able to find him a suitable new home. I just can't believe it's happened. I don't hold it against him but I need to stay safe and have some fun. He was my future dream.....not sure now.
 
theres absolutely no element of failure in realising that you just don't click with a horse and that they are not the right one for you. sometimes it just happens , it can be frustrating because sometimes you can't even put your finger on the reason why it isn't right and being human we need reasons and answers. I have just put one of mine up for sale because she is just not right for me, theres nothing wrong with her but i feel no connection, i don't want to ride her even though she has done nothing wrong. i don't know if age plays a part in it, I'm 43 and after having my carpal tunnel ops I am just not as confident as i was before, I'll happily ride my 17hh girl because i know her inside out, but the 14hh cob scares me!!
 
I had a few rough months with my young mare last year - bronked me off on our driveway before bolting straight through the neighbours hedge, rodeod me about the school - destroyed my confidence. 12 months later and we are fine - solving the saddle issue was the easy bit, rebuilding my confidence and our relationship was the hard part. It's hard and it's often not fun but we got there (some things are still a work in progress) - but she is basically a quiet sensible type and if I hadn't been so sure before the issues how well matched we were, I would have sold her. Don't do anything too quickly - get someone else to ride and then sit down and do a list of pros and cons. Ultimately you should enjoy it.
 
Thanks, I'm having a long hard think. Plenty time on my hands sadly! Lol

Everyone is different I know but I've always been the type that makes her mind up and never changes it. I'm decisive like that. I tend to know when something feels right or wrong. I'd love to keep him but in my heart I know he needs a more confident and probably younger rider. Sad times!
 
It sounds like you already know what needs to be done. It probably hurts so much because you had so many plans with him. But being realistic you`d be better of looking for another similar in temperament to your mare. After all, it`s supposed to be fun, and right now hunny you sound like you`re turning yourself inside out x
 
I might as well have written your post, I've been there.

I eventually put mine on loan, but that fell through when the loaner became pregnant. Although she'd had a lot of fun with him I still had no desire to ride at all.

I ended up doing a part ex for something I trust, although he is young (he's actually younger than the one I part exed) and very green I feel safe with this little guy and I know my boy went to a good home that has the skills to make the most of him.
 
cblover said:
Thanks, I'm having a long hard think. Plenty time on my hands sadly! Lol

Everyone is different I know but I've always been the type that makes her mind up and never changes it. I'm decisive like that. I tend to know when something feels right or wrong. I'd love to keep him but in my heart I know he needs a more confident and probably younger rider. Sad times!
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Under other circumstances I'd side with many on here who have said that some youngsters do throw their toys out of the pram at some point; it's really not unusual. However, from your first post it is clear that you don't have that connection that you might like to have with him. He probably knows that and it won't be helping either of you progress forward. Personally if I was you, I'd sell him. Find him the right home where he'll be content and happy and you find another horse that you click with.
 
Let us know what happens with the back check. I really feel for you, I'm not blessed with nerves of steel and would feel exactly the same as you do. Is there any way you could loan him or have someone come to you to ride him? (someone young, fearless and bounceable!) It may just be that as a youngster he's a bit full of himself and that as he gets older and more educated he will mellow. If you think there's a chance you'll regret it, then hold off with selling him for just now. xx
 
Sorry to read this - it felt strangely familiar. We know that most horses do stuff at some point, especially green ones, but the thing that jumped out at me was you saying you had always had a bit of a feeling about him. I persevered with my complex and challenging little mare for 5 years - worked through bonding issues, schooled her from scratch, unashamedly looked to every aspect of horsemanship that might help, but I never ever really trusted her as I had my previous 5 horses. With my other horses it had always flowed - with her there was a block. I put technically better riders on and was relieved when she was worse or just the same with them. Last year at the age of 10 she exploded from walk - no obvious reason - we were coming back from a hack and were quite near home. One minute I was on, the next unconscious on the floor. She was very upset for about 3 days afterwards but I could never find any sting or bite mark on her. Somehow that incident finished it for me and I never felt the same about her again. I beat myself up, then tried to press on through, but that feeling remained deep in my gut and eventually my previously relaxed riding grew defensive and tense. I am now ready to let her go and have stopped blaming myself - sometimes it just isn't to be. Good luck with whatever you decide. x
 
Thanks everyone. Jael - thank you for not making me feel like the only one in this situation. I think your story is very similar to how I feel and what it's been like over the last four years on and off. He's a special boy but we don't have a special connection and he deserves that with someone. His back has been checked and he's fine. Sad decision for me but one I know is right. I'll now do all I can to ensure he gets the right home to continue his education and happiness.
 
Sounds like you've made a sensible and well thought out decision. I'm sure he'll find a good home, you've given him a good start which will help hugely. You definitely need that 'connection' with a difficult horse, otherwise you feel like you get nothing at all back. All the best. xx
 
Thanks GH and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment. It feels right but sad. I know he'll be fab for someone....it's just finding them! Lol

My first love has always been cleveland bays. My first horse many years ago was a pure bred. I've also had two part breds over the years too. Once I've got Ted sorted and given myself some time, I hope to start to play a part in the preservation of this lovely breed. No rush though.
 
Been there and I know how you feel. I bred a lovely foal, who I intended to keep for life but didnt work out that way. I sent her away to get backed and sat on her a couple of times at the yard where she was, but I felt very nervous. I got her home and persevered but still felt nervous, so I had someone ride her while I hacked out my other horse. Once and only once she exploded while out a hack and after that I just could not bring myself to sit on her. Even the thought of it made me physically sick. In the end I sold her on, even though I was heartbroken and felt I had let her down, but she has gone to the best home I could have wished for and is getting on brilliantly with the girl that has her now.
All very well saying get someone else in to ride her, but at the end of the day, it is you that has to sit on her.
Riding is meant to be fun and sometimes things just dont work out the way we planned it. Dont feel like a failure because you are not and it will get better.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
 
I'm sure you are upset, but selling on a horse which just doesn't suit is not unusual, in fact it's an everyday occurrence. Just because you have owned a horse since it was a foal, or bred it, doesn't mean that you will automatically have the right horse for you - I used to breed horses and can honestly say that only about one in ten would have been horses that I would have bought for myself. I'm all for persevering, but if you don't like the horse then sell it on to someone who does.
 
What a brave and good decision, for both you and your lovely horse. Sometimes things are just not meant to be and there is no easy way to find this out. The time you have spent together is not wasted so please dont think that. You have given him a fantastic start and had the good sense to realise you have reached your limits together, before things spiralled completely out of control and you ended up seriously hurt or he became sour and difficult. As lots of posters have said, he may never put another hoof wrong but you will be waiting for it to happen and that is not a positive way to help a youngster and you have the good sense to know it. It sounds as if he will be a fabulous horse for someone a bit younger/braver/ambitious and that is largely down to you. Once you have found him the right home, and that shouldnt be difficult as you know all his quirks and how he has been brought up so are the ideal person to buy a horse from, you can take your time to decide your next move. The best of luck with selling him and for both your futures.
 
Where would you advice I advertise him at? I've got an advert on Coloured Contacts and this automatically goes on to the CHAPS website too. I thought maybe preloved or any other site anyone feels would be useful. Cheers.
 
Preloved free :-) or Horsedeals, Horsemart, Horsequest, Friday Ads some swear by and on here as people always know people who are looking. Bear in mind that we are coming into Autumn so you may have to be patient and keep the ads running a while. Not sure what area you are in, but part exchanging with a reputable dealer can be a quicker and easier option, providing they have something in that would be suitable for you. The good ones will be honest about what they think is suitable and will have wide networks to place your boy. Hark at me giving all this advice that I really should be following myself!
 
Cheers jael, I'll have a look at them sites and put him on the suitable ones. Stressful is not the word. I just want him to have a secure and happy future.
 
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