I'm losing my mind!

I might raise it with my GP Tobiano, but they are terrible! Its a walk in centre staffed by agency staff and they are overworked and not really interested. I need to change GP so might push for it then.

My YO is brilliant! Shes happy to help me as much as I need and I can ride out with them. Another HHO member is moving her cob on Tuesday as well, so I'm hoping we can do lots of hacking together.

I clearly have too much time on my hands to work myself up into a meltdown, so I'm going to keep myself busy instead of moping about worrying about things that dont need to be worried about! Thank you everyone for your support. Its helped me so much :)
 
You are an amazingly strong person to have been through all that and still getting back up. So pleased you rode today, I'm sure you were grinning from ear to ear afterwards (I know I was reading your update this afternoon). Please, just have another little pootle about on him tomorrow, and it should feel a bit easier again.

Way to go!
 
What your feeling is pretty normal. I think your amazing for even thinking about riding again. Those "What ifs" are killers. This morning as I walked up to open the gate before my ride I thought " what if I fall off and break my back? This might be the last time I walk up and open the gate." Came out of no where. Luckily I recognised the thought as being an anxiety about my first real hack out on Kev and I managed to squash the thought, well I diverted it to a more positive " Kevin is a good boy he won't do any thing and you have your air jacket" . Kevin was a good boy and I had a fab time.

You need to take things slowly, do what makes you happy......slowly, slowly catchie monkey ..........take it one step at a time and slowly you will feel better. Then you can look back and laugh at yourself.
 
IMHO OP you have PTSD and are doing extremely well dealing with it. Nowhere as serious as your initial accident, but I have totally lost my confidence in my ability to ride. I even tried an 'artificial horse' and broke down and cried. Even our 24yr old mare who I would trust with the smallest toddler, who just plodded round the school terrified me when I got on and rode her for less than 5 minutes and my accident was 9 years ago.
As has been previously said, take things slowly and you will succeed, of that I am sure. Wishing you every good thought and wish
 
Positive imagery works really well for nerves. It will programme your mind to see the good things not the bad.
Basically every time you have a quiet moment between now and the next time you ride imagine riding your horse with Confidence, see your ride going perfectly, see yourself happy and in control. See his ears in front of you, the scenery, imagine feeling totally comfortable. At the same time say to yourself 'I am so looking forward to riding my horse!' 'How wonderful the way he strides out, so much better for my back not to have to kick!'. 'He's such a great horse, that I backed myself, what a wonderful partnership we have !' Ect ect
Basically replace all the negative stuff with positive and that will become the reality :). Keep at it every day imagining all the fun things you are going to do with him.
 
Sukistokes2 said:
What your feeling is pretty normal. I think your amazing for even thinking about riding again. Those "What ifs" are killers. This morning as I walked up to open the gate before my ride I thought " what if I fall off and break my back? This might be the last time I walk up and open the gate." Came out of no where. Luckily I recognised the thought as being an anxiety about my first real hack out on Kev and I managed to squash the thought, well I diverted it to a more positive " Kevin is a good boy he won't do any thing and you have your air jacket" . Kevin was a good boy and I had a fab time.

You need to take things slowly, do what makes you happy......slowly, slowly catchie monkey ..........take it one step at a time and slowly you will feel better. Then you can look back and laugh at yourself.
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Thats it exactly!! But having the cob on full livery followed on from ages of sorting his back and saddle and him now being forward and keen, just let the what ifs get really, really out of hand! I'm not sure the odd what if will ever go away as my life was totally destroyed by the accident sadly. But thats not always a bad thing. I'm not supposed to ride ever again, so a little voice saying "this might go horribly wrong" isnt a bad thing if it makes me sensibly assess the risk.

I'm prone to dramatics, I know this! I'm bright and creative and have a busy mind that if not occupied finds ways, usually a bit mental ways, to occupy itself :lol: I just need to get it to a manageable level, and I'm nearly there :) I now know I'm scared but I have a good point of reference which confirms my lovely boy might be a bit hot and forward, but is still safe and wont drop me deliberatly and I can actually ride him :) I actually ended up really blumming irritated and embarassed being lead round the yard, so off we went hacking.The cob thought he might want to spook at a kid on a trampoline and got a boot up the bottom and then got on with it!

So lots of good things to focus on! I can ride him, and he is utterly genuine riding wise. He isnt ever going to bronc me off or tank off and deck me. Hes just not that sort of horse. And I now know that if he is forward and keen I can ride him and not tipple off the side :lol:

I am so, so, soooo lucky to have such a genuine little horse that I know inside out :)

And totally of topic, but Kevins page is my new favorite FB page, partly because my OH is called Kevin and it amuses me no end, but also because you have just cracked on with riding him :)
 
Firewell said:
Positive imagery works really well for nerves. It will programme your mind to see the good things not the bad.
Basically every time you have a quiet moment between now and the next time you ride imagine riding your horse with Confidence, see your ride going perfectly, see yourself happy and in control. See his ears in front of you, the scenery, imagine feeling totally comfortable. At the same time say to yourself 'I am so looking forward to riding my horse!' 'How wonderful the way he strides out, so much better for my back not to have to kick!'. 'He's such a great horse, that I backed myself, what a wonderful partnership we have !' Ect ect
Basically replace all the negative stuff with positive and that will become the reality :). Keep at it every day imagining all the fun things you are going to do with him.
Click to expand...

I do that! It does help a lot!! Last night between being awake and stressing I had a realy vivid dream that I was riding the cob on a XC course and we were jumping in and out of the water and I was laughing and crying with joy. I think my brain did that as Frankie is an idiot about water! He has to jump every puddle he comes across, but my instructor who used to hack him out used to rave about how fun it was to hack him when there were puddles as he was such fun :)

I do the positive imagery every night before I go to sleep. I've just noticed that after about 3 months of religiously doing it, that I actually dream about it now, so it must be finally filtering down! :)
 
I just wanted to update this as I am so, so, so happy with how things are going! I went an unmounted confidence clinic thingy and walked away feeling really rattled and unnerved and thinking I would never ride again. After about 48 hours my mind just settled and I felt better about everything. Not what I expected! I left thinking I might well need intensive therapy :lol:

I started riding again and didnt feel sick about it, but I still felt a bit anxious and nervous. This weekend it all fell into place. I went out on Saturday for a couple of hours and did 10k with 4 other horses. Frankie was a bit of a prat! He had a bit of a strop on, and for the first time I actually rode him instead of being a passenger and he got a bit of a telling off from me a couple of times as he was being such a wally!

Sunday I went out on my own, hacked down the road, got to the bridlepath and thought, "ooh, that looks like we need to canter along it" So I did :D I didnt fall off, didnt feel like I was going to and nothing really hurt. So I turned round and hooleyed back along the same stretch. Bad practice really, but we both loved it and I was kicking him on to really canter on.

I've never ever cantered him before, and in fact this is the first time I've really consistently ridden him. Hes also done very little cantering under saddle due to his age and all sorts of saddle dramas etc. Hes awesome! More than awesome. He is forward and goey, but hes safe and kind enough to look after me when he has to. I think I just thought him being keen meant he would be a nutter, and he is so far removed from that. I am blessed to have such a genuine and lovely little horse! Its been a long time coming but its been worth the wait :D

I cant believe where we are now compared to my initial post! So take heart anyone who is having confidence issues, it does get better!
 
cinnamontoast said:
PTSD, crazy, but I know what you mean. Think I'll pm you.
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Yep ,Post traumatic stress disorder. Op you are not loosing your mind. As my wonderful GP (who has sadly emigrated to Canada) said"You cannot look death in the face without being unmarked."It explained a hell of a lot to me ,hope it helps you.
 
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