Instructor has no manners....

Lynds

Lynds

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Hi, after a sleepness night I have decided that perhaps some of you guys may be able to help me with my query...

I had a lesson last night with a well respected trainer. I have had 1 lesson with her before, and she gave me lots to work on but balanced this with positive comments too.

Last night she was very aggressive (a unbiased bystander commented on this too afterwards) and when I explained that I dont respond well to criticism, as I only hear the negatives and dwell on them (hence sleepness night!) and that whilst I agreed with the points she was making could she phrase them slightly differently she was unimpressed and said she wasnt there to just tell me I was great, if I wasnt (which isnt quite what I meant!!)

What my query is... should I stick with her... I have learnt alot in two lessons.... and accept that to learn you have to have someone shout at you and actually be a bit rude..., maybe the problem is mine and I need to learn to accept her feedback better or are there trainers out there who can get results without making my confidence hit rock bottom?
 
This style may suit some people but if it is giving you sleepless nights, then change instructors, it's supposed to be fun............. Admittedly some riders might respond to this and she may get good results as she is obviously committed to improving her pupils, but this doesn't suit everyone!
 
I have been with my main instructor for 10 years and whilst we have a lot of "banter" (usually me whinging jumps are too high!) he never belittles me. My instructor knows how insecure my confidnce is and always builds on it. I've learnt a lot from him with the various horses I've taken there but have never come home doubting myself and would hate to think whatever he said would give me sleepless night (and Im a worrier!). IMO I'd change, there has to more confidence building instructors out there. By the way my instructor doesn't tell me Im great, but heads me in the right direction and praises when I get there
 
Of course there are trainers that are out there who can get results without wrecking your confidence. Some people thrive on this type of instruction but if you are the sort to dwell on things and take things to heart I would suggest she is not the best fit for you and look elsewhere :)
 
Stop using him/her NOW - dont do what i did and keep going back week in week out and looking back i have gone from being an ugly but effective confident rider to being a ineffective, nice looking, coward - only able to ride if instructor is there shouting what to do!

Find someone else- ok some folks really love this type of teaching and feel inspired to do better - but it was just like a dripping tap with me and it was my money and my confidence dripping away.

I made a break a few times before the final "big break" and my riding confidence has increased 100% - i am now capable of having a lesson once a fortnight - not having to have one 3 times a week !
 
I echo all the above comments, I use the same trainer as Dollface, and that is the main reason, because I always leave feeling on top of the world. I actually took a friends horse recently for a lesson and the friends commented on how lovely and positive the whole lesson was, obviously there are good bits and bad bits but it isn't healthy to dwell on the bad bits.
 
I'm an Instructor and I would be mortified if one of my clients had left a lesson not feeling like they had achieved anything and had a sleepless night due to the way the lesson was carried out.

At the end of the day, you pay good money for these lesson so if you feel you are not getting as much as you hope from the lessons or you are not clicking with the instructor then I would take your money elsewhere

xxx
 
There are many different teaching styles, some suit some people and not others, the one you experienced does nothing for me, there are ways and means of putting things across nicely, without making the client feel like ****. I experienced this sort of teaching for a few years, before it turned me into a nervous wreck and nearly made me give up my horse and all riding.

Found a new instructor who was totally different, quiet, but still explained everything in a nice way, but gave encouragement and a subtle kick up the bum when needed:), he must have suited me, he is now my OH and we have a 7 yr old son:D

There will be an instructor out there who will suit you, don't waste your money on any more sleepless nights. Good luck x
 
What you do next depends on how much choice you have for trainers where you are. If you have plenty of choice, then change now. If not, then give her one more chance perhaps. It may be she was just having a shitty day. Now I know it's unprofessional to 'take it out' on a client, but nobody's perfect, and you say she was fine the first time so.....If the next time she were to be still giving destructive not constructive criticism, then cut your losses and find someone else. Good Luck!
 
find a new trainer!! i'm not a riding trainer but i am a teacher and i think there is absolutely no need to make the people you are teaching feel rubbish etc. yes criticism is fine but it needs to be constructive so along the lines of "that was a really good transition, now next time try to sit up more"- yes a rubbish example but hopefully the praise makes you feel good and then you strive to get more praise the next time

with trainers that you have had for a long time you can often take more criticism from them- sometimes my SJ trainer will say "what the **** was that" and laugh if i do something ridiculous...BUT this is after years of teaching me, lots of positives etc- and usually i am laughing as well! :D if a brand new trainer laughed at me i'd probably cry :(
find someone new. what area of the world are you in? bet someone on here can suggest someone?
 
As everyone above has already said every instructor is different and not all instructors suit all riders, if their approach does not inspire you to go away and practice and improve then don't use them again.

I am a qualified instructor and am well aware that my approach does not suit all and I accept that. After working in the horse industry for 20 years I teach irregularly as a hobby nowadays and enjoy it much more and really try to help the rider and horse, whereas when i used to teach fulltime i used to get stale.

From my riding point of view I have been taught by many people over the years and to be quite honest have had the best lessons from either instructors who do not teach full time, as they are more enthusiastic and want to help you and instructors who are experienced but not necesserily qualified.

Some of the worst/least inspiring training I have received has been from top/well known riders/trainers, with experiences like they are just going through the motions and are not really interested because you are average and not going to pay for three lessons a week. I am not saying all top riders/trainers are like this at all but i have experienced a few, and they are usually the more expensive too.
 
Thank you all so much. You have really helped me to think things through rationally. I have got another lesson booked in a week or so, so I think I will give it one more go, hopefully she took on board the feedback that I gave her too.(eg- this style isnt working for me!!)... x Thanks Guys!!
 
To be honest, if she's an established, successful trainer, I wouldn't expect a massive change, unless she was just having a bad day and isn't usually that person anyway. Teaching style is usually very personal and ingrained and changing it isn't easy or, to be honest, a very reasonable expectation. Presumably, if she's successful, her methods DO work for some people, just not for you. :)

I think you're wise to give it another chances, since there are clearly positives, but if it's not for you, it's not for you. I do a fair bit of teaching and I don't expect to be everyone's cup of tea, nor do I take that personally.

On the subject of options, though, it can be hard. I had a HORRIFIC trainer for years because he was the most experienced person I could afford and I learned an immense amount from him. If I'd had the option of his knowledge in a nicer package I'd have taken it in a heartbeat but I can't say I'm unhappy overall with my choice. I've also had instruction from people I thought were lovely but I know other people wouldn't share my view. It's like any relationship, there's always going to be a personal component, and while teaching is definitely business and coaches should be business-like, it isn't the same as many other day to day business interactions.
 
I have had the kind of instructors you are talking about since I was a little girl and I am certain that they have made me into a far less confident rider than I should be. One in particular has always made me feel inadequate and that I shouldn't keep horses, which is completely unfair as I am more than capable of looking after my boys!

For your own sake please don't stick with this instructor. Riding is supposed to be fun! You will end up dreading every lesson and feeling like you aren't good enough for your horse.

Unfortunately I now can't afford lessons so dealing with my confidence is becoming harder. Change before it really affects you.
 
i would be very very careful going back. I had an instructor who started off fine, and then suddenly started having 'off' days where he would just shout at me, some days he was great and others he was horrible. I used to take someone with me as he was never as nasty when i had someone watching.
I kept going back as i thought i really was learning, but then when i relised i was getting nervous on the days of lessons and a final 'nail in the coffin' from him via a phonecall, lessons were stopped.
I didnt realise how much confidence i had lost until i looked back.
my new instructor is great, often tells me im **** and rode like a numpty but as she laughs when she says it and then follows up by 'come on, properly this time' she gets her message across without knocking me to the floor :)
 
".... and accept that to learn you have to have someone shout at you and actually be a bit rude..., maybe the problem is mine and I need to learn to accept her feedback better or are there trainers out there who can get results without making my confidence hit rock bottom?""

What B******s, your a "paying customer", yes point out your mistakes so you can try and correct things and improve, shouting duh no, being rude no duh, get yourself a "proper" instructor" and look forward to your lessons and "enjoy" them like your supposed to, it's "your" time your paying for.
 
Agree with all the others, the essence of being a good instructor is being able to get your point across with clear prescise instruction, if the client isnt getting it then its down to the instructor to find a way that does work.

My first boss, many moons ago, was a screamer and could be quite mean. I recently went and saw her (she really was a great boss, max respect to her horsemanship also) and she said to me , "you know, shouting a people really doesnt help" WTF, i nearly fell off my chair!!!!:D
 
Well done for having another go although its like anybody you meet in life, some people just have a way of saying a tiny meaningless thing which they don't recall saying an hour later but that comment haunts you forever! I had a lesson about a year ago and still remember two comments made to me which, to this day I think of when I ride. They were both negative and both were said without a follow up of how to improve the problem and I drove home not knowing what to do to make it better. I am a rather sensitive person though and tend to dwell on these things :0) I learnt an awful lot in that lesson but i don't want to feel nervous going for a lesson and spend weeks feeling rubbish dwelling on an off hand comment, lifes too short.
I had another lesson with a different trainer not long ago with a bit of a reputation of being quite tough and he was quite hard on me but also had loads of positives and the lesson flowed with each part building on the previous and taking a step back if I made a mistake and knocked my confidence. By the end my confidence was brimming and I came away feeling like Mary King!
I use another instructor who never says anything negative at all she just keeps focussing on the positives ie ' thats good, a little straighter, more inside leg' never 'he's bending too much, you're not using enough inside leg'.
How your trainer phrases their instructions makes all the difference.
I choose a mixture of instructors who i know will give me positive feedback while helping me learn.
Gosh that turned into an essay :0)
 
Definitely find another instructor and don't give her the benefit of the doubt. If she were feeling bad about how she had spoken to you, she would have been on the phone by now to apologise. I am a BHSAI and now I am employed to teach riding therapy to children with special needs but prior to that I freelanced. I also have regular riding lessons myself - my instructor is a BHSII and she is training to become an accredited BE trainer having ridden at 4 * level herself. I can't praise her enough - when she teaches me, her attention is totally on me and my horse. She is sympathetic yet an absolute perfectionist and I feel that I am learning loads from her which is fantastic as it's 20 yrs since I did my AI. Prior to her, I did have several lessons from a BE accredited trainer and have to say she was an absolute cow! She seemed to think that because I had my AI, that I should be capable of all sorts of wondrous things on my very green unbalanced TB and our lessons would often last 1.5 hrs and me and the horse would come out steaming and dripping in sweat. She never got on so she never experienced the problems that I was having, just bellowed louder and even worse, she gave you an earpiece, so you never had the excuse you couldn't hear her!! Best thing I did was finding my current instructor and 2 years down the line, we still really 'click' and me and my horse are making good progress
 
Problem is guys I have to get the balls to pull out of the lesson now... thinking text nearer the time saying something along lines of

'sorry, can't make lesson on saturday, will contact you to arrange another soon.'

I am guessing I will see this person at horse shows etc... :0( so dont want to be rude/confrontational... Its not her fault I am a touchy woss!

I can't believe what a wimp I am being!
 
Lynds said:
Problem is guys I have to get the balls to pull out of the lesson now... thinking text nearer the time saying something along lines of

'sorry, can't make lesson on saturday, will contact you to arrange another soon.'

I am guessing I will see this person at horse shows etc... :0( so dont want to be rude/confrontational... Its not her fault I am a touchy woss!

I can't believe what a wimp I am being!
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You are not being a wimp! You want value for money with an instructor who respects you and is able to help you progress. Just text, I would like to cancel my lesson on Saturday, thanks... Just remember, you are the paying customer and deserve better. And you are giving her a week's notice so she really can't quibble. Go for it!
 
I agree with kirstyl but I think, if you're going to see her around, best just to say you'd like to cancel the lesson and not go into saying you'll call later or similar. If she pushes you and you feel you have to answer, just say you don't think the system (not "her" or "your", "the" - stay neutral) is for you and you're going to look around some more. I know that sounds uncomfortable but from what you've said, the last thing you want is her coming up to you at a show and asking you what's up. Best just be honest and be done with it.

The bonus is, if you rock up against another instructor that doesn't suit, you'll have a bit of practice heading out the door. ;)
 
I'd be a chicken cos I hate that sort of thing, but I would just say that you would like to cancel the lesson - full stop, end of. If she asks why, say that you feel that you need to try something different to get the best out of your horse. Give her as much notice as possible and then she cant moan! You are def doing the right thing :)
 
i've had lots of different trainers/instructors over the years and my current trainer is wonderful, absolutly wonderful, but it's taken me quite a while to find someone with the right mix of humour/patience/sterness/kick up the bumness that i get now, so i would definitely change, and try a few, as PP have said, you're the one paying!

i had lessons from someone years ago, who felt it was assusing to attempt to belittle me for being a bit of a speed loving hedge hopping monkey! didn't work, but drove me mad, i always felt she was mildly intimidated because i think she knew if she asked me to jump the rails out of the arena i would have done!

some people will suit you better, same as you have freinds you love, & freinds you'd be happy if you saw less often (IYKWIM)
 
i'd tell her asap that you want to cancel. as TS says, blame it on 'the system' rather than on her way of teaching.
i absolutely would not go back for another session, personally.
as said above, there are lots of different teaching styles, some of which work for 1 person, some for another etc, but if this way really doesn't work for you, why on earth put yourself (and your horse) through it again?
fwiw i have a very very exacting trainer, who rarely praises fulsomely, but when i do get a word of praise, boy, do i treasure it! but he NEVER makes me feel negative and undermines my confidence. none of us need that imho.
 
Thanks everyone for you kind words and advice! I have text to cancel it and did just I cant make thats date now. Thanks again.... search is on for a kind instructor now... any suggestions?? (Essex Area)
 
Lynds said:
Thanks everyone for you kind words and advice! I have text to cancel it and did just I cant make thats date now. Thanks again.... search is on for a kind instructor now... any suggestions?? (Essex Area)
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Well done - you were very brave!! Afraid I'm further north than you so don't know of any instructors in Essex. Ask around, personal experience is often best. You could look on BHS Register of Instructors website and see who is near you. Good luck!
 
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