Is there something wrong with me? (Livery Yards)

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EquestrianFairy

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Im beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me? Do i just pick the wrong yards or am i such a horrible person that people seem to hate me after a few months and i end up being so unhappy i move again?

I refuse to get involved in yard politics so because of this i can come across as slightly ignorant -however i will always say hello and ride with others, its just that i refuse to make comment on other liveries and keep myself to myself.

I moved to this yard with great expectations and now 4 months down the line ive handed in my notice because i cant bear to be there.
My Dad feels it must be me because i always seem to fall out with people, but i havent fallen out with anyone they just are no longer friendly to me anymore and as an adult i just get on with it until i decide that i cant take the tension anymore and i move.
This has happened a few times in the past few years and i really wonder if theres something wrong with me or my character that makes this happen?

I originally thought maybe its some weird jealousy thing but really? People arent always like that and im certainly no kate moss with a Toytown in my stable!!
 
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I've been at my yard 7 years


I find there are always ups and downs when someone gets their knickers in a twist about something and creates an atmosphere.... What I try and do then is deliberately try not to go down the yard when I know they will be there. If they are there when I see them I say a very big cheery hello, don't let it bother me if they don't reply and then get on with what I'm doing.

There are always jealousies and ups and downs at livery yards. I just don't let it get to me. Todays gossip will be next weeks old news....
 
Well certainly if you care constantly moving as you can't get along with people that would suggest you need to review your attitude to things and whether you are taking things the wrong way. If you're not interested in talking to them and then are surprised by them stopping talking to you, what is the problem?
 
Have to say I've been at my yard nearly 4 years now and with one fall out where I stormed off...then 2 days later YO came round to my house with flowers and horse box and told me to stop being stupid and come 'home' :D I was told my friends when I moved to a livery yard that I'd hate it after years of having my horse on my own fields, but I love it and I love the company and laughs we have...plus my horse is so happy and contented that it would take a lottery win to move me now!!

I find you have to have alot of give and take, you HAVE to ignore comments sometimes, and you have to just remember that the one and only reason you are there is for your horse. If the facilities are good, the riding is nice and most importantly your horse is happy then most other things can be tolerated. If people are down right rude and nasty then find yourself a new place but reading between the lines I suspect you are maybe being a little over sensitive and seeing problems where there aren't any? Maybe your dad is right and you are the problem, but it's more likely it's a misunderstanding of your quiet reserved nature by the other people and your misunderstanding of their backing off and giving you space????
 
I am confused by your post because you say you don't want to get involved with other people and the you say, they are ignoring you, so you are leaving ?

If the facilities there are good and your horse is settled, just stick it out and stay. Go and do your horse, say hello and goodbye to people and get on with your life.
 
No nothing is wrong with you - Just because you dont get involved with any bitching sessions doesnt mean you are rude.

Perhaps you are perceived as being aloof because you may not get involved with their conversations.

At your new yard, do as you are, but try to hold conversation, if it turns to bitching then make your excuses and depart from the conversation.

Failing that - try to get a yard/field on your own.

FWIW - I dislike Livery Yards, too many know it alls, back biting and thieves.
 
It could simply be that people are getting the wrong impression.

I think it's possible to chat to others without commenting- if they say something you don't wish to talk about, you can say so, politely.

Hope you don't have to move again.. it's a lot of hassle! How does your horse cope with moves? Must be a pro by now!
 
Well it's either you (no offence!) or you have been so unlucky to have been on yards with so many strange people, have you no idea why they are unfriendly to you if you don't get involved in anything, if your always pleasant to then surely they have no reason to be like this way with you :confused:, so in that case, maybe you just need to find a yard with normal people on it :D

Good Luck
 
arizonahoney said:
Or go to a small, adults-only livery yard where people have lives outside of their horses :eek: and you may find less nonsense!
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Ooh no!! A selection of adult females on a yard is dreadful!! (I am an adult female...). They are generally worse than kids, despite having to work and pay for stuff - there's always one or two who have "issues" over practically non-existent stuff on the yard.
 
Well I've been on various livery yards for the last twenty-one years and have never for a moment thought about leaving one, let alone many, because i struggled to get along with other liveries, and its not like I'm an especially nice person or anything, so I'm going to say that yes, its probably you. You need to chill out.
 
After many yards that I have been on I have to say I LOVE my new yard myself and my new boy are very happy there, it took me a while to adjust to it, (been out of horsey life for 2yrs) and we moved into the barn - where all the action happens I see people all the time now, where when I was outside in the block I hardly saw or spoke to anyone which made me a bit sad, I hate getting into yard politics and to be honest I am friendly and will always be polite but if someone starts bitching then I make my way out of the situation.

I am on a yard with lovely people and we all get on with each other incl YO and her 2 daughters, I am very lucky with this one, as YO will not allow such behaviour on her yard, she kind of vets people that go to view it to see if they will fit in with the bunch she has in, and it works cos we all get along with each other, all help each other out when needed have a chit chat, laugh etc...

I feel as though I could stay at this yard for a while now (I was after more facilities but to be honest after thinking it through I'd rather have the friendly atmosphere).

I'd say stick it out, try and get involved a little more with everyone, and explain to them that you like to keep yourself to yourself where yard politics are involved but are there to have a chin wag to about other things... bet you'll find you will be OK.
Also have to think of the horse with all these moves too, it's stressful for them too
 
This thread reminds me of a little story i once heard.....

A traveler was going from Paris to Leon and on the road he passed a man sitting on a bench.
The traveler asked the man what the people were like in Leon.
"what were the people like in Paris" he asked.
"Aweful" replied the traveler "Rude, obnoxious, wouldn't give you the time of day".
The man shook his head and replied "I fear you will find the people in Leon just as bad"

A few hours later another traveler passed by the man, this time traveling from Leon to Paris.
The traveler also asks the man "Can you tell me what the people are like in Paris?"
"What were the people like in Leon?" the man asks.
"Wonderful" replies the traveler "always polite and happy to pass the time of day. Nothing was too much trouble for them"
The man replies " I think you will find the people in Paris are just the same"
 
I often sit here and wonder what it is about my attitude that can cause this and i genuinely dont know? Ive asked other horsey friends (I have made good friends ive met on livery yards and still remain friends with them so i cant be THAT bad) and i still dont come up against anything.

I was told that perhaps i just rub people up the wrong way once by a particularly unfriendly lady but maybe shes right?

I dislike being in an atmosphere, i dont mind not having heaps of conversation or not being chatted to much BUT its the atmosphere i cant stand. I would imagine i come across as slightly aloof as i dont have a huge amount of trust in people i dont know and im not the 'life and soul' so im not the type to spend hours chatting up the yard about life or spend all day there having coffee. Im just not that type of person.
Im ALWAYS polite, pay my rent on time and look after my horse well, i follow yard rules and if i do something wrong i will apologise and correct it ASAP.

I tend to find myself shy away from the 'yard b1tch' (if there is one) because i dislike confrontation and would rather just stay out of the way.
I'll always bite my toungue to save any arguements and have never actually physically argued/fallen out with anyone on any yard ive been on (liveries) and only ever had a disagreement with one YO which is the same and only yard ive ever left on bad terms and previous to that i had been there for 4 years with no issues and this was because she used to get very silly about people moving on.. in this case i had moved for better facilities.

Thought i should add that ive moved 3 times in the last 4 years with my boy.

What on earth can i do?
 
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EquestrianFairy said:
I often sit here and wonder what it is about my attitude that can cause this and i genuinely dont know? Ive asked other horsey friends (I have made good friends ive met on livery yards and still remain friends with them so i cant be THAT bad) and i still dont come up against anything.

I was told that perhaps i just rub people up the wrong way once by a particularly unfriendly lady but maybe shes right?

I dislike being in an atmosphere, i dont mind not having heaps of conversation or not being chatted to much BUT its the atmosphere i cant stand. I would imagine i come across as slightly aloof as i dont have a huge amount of trust in people i dont know and im not the 'life and soul' so im not the type to spend hours chatting up the yard about life or spend all day there having coffee. Im just not that type of person.
Im ALWAYS polite, pay my rent on time and look after my horse well, i follow yard rules and if i do something wrong i will apologise and correct it ASAP.

I'll always bite my toungue to save any arguements and have never actually physically argued with anyone on any yard ive been on- ive only ever left one yard on bad terms and previous to that i had been there for 4 years with no issues.

What on earth can i do?
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Well by the sounds of it, you seem like a nice sort of person to have on a yard, keep yourself to yourself, keep out of the drama's and get on with enjoynig your horse, maybe the yards you have been on are just too clicky so when you have not involved your self or taken sides, given opinons etc etc those people no longer have given you the time of day, which in itself is completely wrong, so perhaps it's not you or at least not as much as you think it could be.
 
Waffles said:
Ooh no!! A selection of adult females on a yard is dreadful!! (I am an adult female...). They are generally worse than kids, despite having to work and pay for stuff - there's always one or two who have "issues" over practically non-existent stuff on the yard.
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I often wonder if this is where i am going wrong? All the yards ive been on are relatively small yards only one had children allowed but the rest are all adult females- generally most older than me (certainly on my current yard im the youngest)
 
EquestrianFairy said:
I often wonder if this is where i am going wrong? All the yards ive been on are relatively small yards only one had children allowed but the rest are all adult females- generally most older than me (certainly on my current yard im the youngest)
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Maybe.... I'm pretty sociable up to a point, but never ever get involved in petty gossip, but it can be very very difficult to keep out of it completely - it's so easy to say something that can be taken the wrong way. I'm always cheerful and friendly, but don't like sitting round having tea and coffee as it's too easy to get pulled into the gossip!
 
EquestrianFairy said:
I often wonder if this is where i am going wrong? All the yards ive been on are relatively small yards only one had children allowed but the rest are all adult females- generally most older than me (certainly on my current yard im the youngest)
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Sometimes on small yards people like to be in each others pockets, and if you like to keep yourself to yourself they may take this as you snubbing them?

Nothing wrong with not being the life and soul....I tend to keep myself to myself and when I was on livery I kept out of the yard politics too.

I rent a small place for just me and my family now...bliss:)
 
Are they being UNfriendly, or just not including you? If you're not around very much, it may just be that they've recognised that you like your own space and just aren't bothering anymore. Not out of malice, just because they know it's unlikely you'll be interested in what they're doing.

If you like the yard, but just feel excluded, maybe organise a social? Just a meal in a local restaurant. Pin a note on the noticeboard and see if anyone is interested. Make up a horse birthday if you have no other reason!

Or....Olympia is a popular livery day out. See if anyone is interested in that and arrange a coach. If you're in Surrey I'll even join up, he he!
 
It doesn't sound as though the problem is with you at all but maybe you are a bit too sensitive to awkward atmospheres. If you like the yard and facilities and your horse is happy there can't you just go along with them and concentrate more on your horse and your riding? I was on a yard of gossipers and know alls a few years ago and I used to just ignore it. I was friendly and would chat but I knew they were never going to be my best friends. I used to go down to ride a bit later if I could, after most of them had finished and I could have the yard to myself. There are usually ways to work round difficult people without letting them get you down. Hope it works out for you.
 
I think you are being over sensitive or over dramatic.

Stop running away and settle at one yard.

You can avoid getting involved in bitchyness without falling out with people. You don't even have to avoid them, when someone starts having a whine just smile sympathetically with a slight vacant look and say mmmmmmmmm and nod. Or say, well I guess it is up to so xxxx what she feeds/how she rugs/etc, or just say I don't know or I'm not sure. But don't avoid people. Have conversations with people, about the weather, or the dark nights or the fact that doing horses gives you nasty dry calloused hands, or how husbands don't appreciate rug buying, safe non-controversial things. Be complimentary to people - all people. Offer to ride with them/bring their horse in or whatever to maintain the friendship, pop the kettle on if you have time and if you don't just say I'm terribly sorry I'm in a real rush work/family/housework is such a pain.

If you don't put some effort into making it work then you will end up moving on endlessly.

There is an atmostphere because you are too desparate to avoid getting involved in "politics" which means that actually you aren't getting involved at all so people resent the fact that you are unfriendly and unengaged.
 
To be honest, if you are not making any effort and rather keep yourself to yourself then you can't blame the liveries for not including you.

If they are being downright nasty and rude, I can see why you would want to move. That's a different story.

Why not strike up a conversation? even if you ask how their days have been? do they want to go for a ride? if you see them come back from a ride ask how it was.

I look forward to going to the yard, not just to spend time with my Horse. But because I enjoy the social side with the other liveries too.
 
Women love to gossip. Generally it's not bitchy and can be good for you. Our normal conversations go a little like this:

Livery 1: Evening, how are you? Got any gossip?
Me: Nah, nothing, you?
Livery 1: There's a new horse turning up next week, Livery X's horse has mud fever, Livery Y wants to borrow a 48" girth - don't suppose you've got one?
Me: Hang on, I think I have one of those in my cupboard. I've heard pig oil and sulphur is good for mud fever but never tried it. Wonder what the new horse will be like.

Nothing bitchy, just nosy women going about our business.
 
JunoXV said:
This thread reminds me of a little story i once heard.....

A traveler was going from Paris to Leon and on the road he passed a man sitting on a bench.
The traveler asked the man what the people were like in Leon.
"what were the people like in Paris" he asked.
"Aweful" replied the traveler "Rude, obnoxious, wouldn't give you the time of day".
The man shook his head and replied "I fear you will find the people in Leon just as bad"

A few hours later another traveler passed by the man, this time traveling from Leon to Paris.
The traveler also asks the man "Can you tell me what the people are like in Paris?"
"What were the people like in Leon?" the man asks.
"Wonderful" replies the traveler "always polite and happy to pass the time of day. Nothing was too much trouble for them"
The man replies " I think you will find the people in Paris are just the same"
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Brilliant and so true :)
 
Myabe its a case of oversensitiveness- i am inclined to be this way in general anyway as its just in my nature.

I do of course speak to them, ride out with them etc or at least i used to until they one day just stopped talking to me i dont know why and i didnt really worry why i just plodded on but this seems to have caused an atmosphere which i am finding unbearable.

Being the dull one and not realising this i was oblivious to any issues until i realised that i was dutifully being actively ignored.
Im reluctant to confront them about it (I say 'them' its the main 'long standing' 3 of them which is all the yard consists of) because i dislike confrontation.

I generally go up when i know no one is around anyway so riding out with people was rare but occasionally it happened. I would never be knowingly rude, ever!
 
Waffles said:
Ooh no!! A selection of adult females on a yard is dreadful!! (I am an adult female...). They are generally worse than kids, despite having to work and pay for stuff - there's always one or two who have "issues" over practically non-existent stuff on the yard.
Click to expand...

Yeah, before we ended up at the livery yard we're at now we were on a small private yard, omg if there was an atmosphere everyone knew about it and it wouldn't dissipate!
 
JunoXV said:
This thread reminds me of a little story i once heard.....

A traveler was going from Paris to Leon and on the road he passed a man sitting on a bench.
The traveler asked the man what the people were like in Leon.
"what were the people like in Paris" he asked.
"Aweful" replied the traveler "Rude, obnoxious, wouldn't give you the time of day".
The man shook his head and replied "I fear you will find the people in Leon just as bad"

A few hours later another traveler passed by the man, this time traveling from Leon to Paris.
The traveler also asks the man "Can you tell me what the people are like in Paris?"
"What were the people like in Leon?" the man asks.
"Wonderful" replies the traveler "always polite and happy to pass the time of day. Nothing was too much trouble for them"
The man replies " I think you will find the people in Paris are just the same"
Click to expand...

My Mum quotes something very similar (set in Scottish Glens though!!) .... love it and VERY apt

xx
 
Waffles said:
Ooh no!! A selection of adult females on a yard is dreadful!! (I am an adult female...). They are generally worse than kids, despite having to work and pay for stuff - there's always one or two who have "issues" over practically non-existent stuff on the yard.
Click to expand...

We've got a small female only yard and it's great. We all get on, it can be hormonal at times but we're adult enough to ignore it. YO is fantastic which certainly helps.
 
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