Is there something wrong with me? (Livery Yards)

It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong other than refuse to succumb to "herd mentality". If you like the yard otherwise, and, more importantly, your horse is happy I wouldn't recommend moving just because of other liveries. Even if they appear to be ignoring you just carry on with a friendly greeting/banal chat etc. as you were doing before, as you have at least showed them you're not the one being unfriendly - it's their problem if they want to be ignorant - no reflection on you. However you shouldnt have to feel obliged to join in the bitching sessions if you dont want to. If bullying is involved that is another matter you should not tolerate that.

My fave bit of yard kit is my ipod tbh! Yard gossipers tend to all stick together then turn on the first one who's back is turned so they're not necessarily as good friends with each other as it appears! I keep my business to myself and often find rather amusing "alternative lives" made up about me!! It's rather funny really.

Hope you find a way of getting through this ;)
 
EquestrianFairy said:
Myabe its a case of oversensitiveness- i am inclined to be this way in general anyway as its just in my nature.

I do of course speak to them, ride out with them etc or at least i used to until they one day just stopped talking to me i dont know why and i didnt really worry why i just plodded on but this seems to have caused an atmosphere which i am finding unbearable.

Being the dull one and not realising this i was oblivious to any issues until i realised that i was dutifully being actively ignored.
Im reluctant to confront them about it (I say 'them' its the main 'long standing' 3 of them which is all the yard consists of) because i dislike confrontation.

I generally go up when i know no one is around anyway so riding out with people was rare but occasionally it happened. I would never be knowingly rude, ever!
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I think the way to deal with this is to turn up at your usual time and say a cheery HELLO and get on with your business. Maybe a bit of "how are you?" "lovely weather" in passing so that they know you aren't ignoring them and see what happens. They will have to be hard and not care about looking bitchy to ignore this and they may well be thinking you are ignoring them too.

It is difficult to continue a frosty atmostphere in the face of unwavering cheer.
 
EF you sound a bit like me - I take a bit of getting used to with some people ;)

Eirewhisper's advice is very good IMO, just pretend they're not ignoring you & call "hello" out whenever you see anyone. It will pass I am sure.

Chin up x
 
I expect that when these people are 'being friendly' they are chatting to you and naturally sometimes comments will be made about others. So long as they are not bitchy or negative, then I don't see a problem. However, maybe they feel that you are the one being unfriendly because you do not chat to them back? Maybe you come over as a bit judgemental and unapproachable? Just saying, because a certain amount of gossip is only natural and healthy at a yard and maybe because you refuse to be drawn it at all, they think it is you who is being unfriendly?

I do however, think it is a good policy not to get drawn into any bitching about others on the yard. You just need to be able to identify what 'talking' is okay, and what is not because if you never, ever comment on others, that may make you a little unapproachable. I don't know. I am only guessing because you asked. But there is obviously SOME problem because it keeps recurring. :)
 
I sypathise with you .... my current livery yard is predominantly mums and kids with ponies and most of the people either dont work or are part time. I work full time and have a v stressfull job which involves a lot of travelling and long hours i have to dive in and out of the yard i always say hello if anyones there but normally im up the yard before 7 so dont see anyone. Unfortunately i dont have time for idle chit chat, coffee etc im normally on a mission to get what i have to do done and get to work or home.

I think i used to come across a bit standoffish as i didnt interact as much as the others on the yard and i also felt like an outsider much of the time, however ive tried to make a point of having a cup of coffee with a few people if i have time and things have started to get more friendly plus they have started to realise how busy my life is away from my horse so i guess they are just getting to know the real me ....it sometimes takes time and a lil bit of effort sometimes we just dont fit in with people i do enjoy my own company and as such am quite content doing my own thing plus im glad i have other stuff to keep me busy outside my horse where as for Some peoples their horse is their life.....
 
note to self: pack ipod ;)

Maybe im just not the type of person people tend to warm to? Damnit, i thought i was quite a nice person ;) I guess i dont fit the usual 'yard' criteria (tea drinking chats etc).

:(

On a serious note; I can see where your all coming from in that i probably come across as standoffish and just like one poster said i also feel very much an outsider.
 
I dont wish to offend, and I have never been on a yard, lucky, but lonely exsistence :( :)

However, could the atmosphere be in your head?, if you are imagining things that are not acutally there?

I say this as a person who is very paranoid about just about everything :)
 
Kenzo said:
Well by the sounds of it, you seem like a nice sort of person to have on a yard, keep yourself to yourself, keep out of the drama's and get on with enjoynig your horse, maybe the yards you have been on are just too clicky so when you have not involved your self or taken sides, given opinons etc etc those people no longer have given you the time of day, which in itself is completely wrong, so perhaps it's not you or at least not as much as you think it could be.
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Ditto this you sound like a lovely person to have on the yard ...:D
 
I was at my yard for 15 years, the longest livery there by far, but because I didn't join in with 'coffee housing' or discussing how many poos my horse had done that day I was accused of being stand offish! Hilarious really as the YO really liked me because I didn't gossip or get on her nerves pointless chit chat. She knew I came down to switch off from a day at work whereas the non working women came down to socialise.

I always said hello to people but just because I owned a horse didn't mean I wanted to join in or listen to their conversations! There is nothing wrong with keeping yourself to yourself, it's other people who have the issues!!
 
I understand how you feel having been in that situation myself. Ive left yards before because Ive been hounded out by the bitching. This is one of the reasons Im not looking forward to going on livery again when I get my next horse.
 
I am pig ignorant.

On previous yards, I've been part of the clique in the past. I've been a victim of bullying in the past.

I don't get involved any more. All that energy and hysteria is for younger people.

I'm there to enjoy my horses. I'm not there to massage other people's egos.

I'll say hello if I like you. I'll help you if you are having a problem. But if you get on my nerves - then I'll just pretend you are not there.

Fortunately my yard is owned by a sensible, intelligent YO who DOESN'T have a personality disorder or a drink problem, so I'm lucky.....
 
There is no law that states you HAVE to be uber-friends with everyone.

If you are being polite, kind and respectful......then you have nothing to worry about.

You have every right in the world to pick and chose who you wish to associate yourself with.

I've been told by people in my life that i'm 'aloof' sometimes and 'don't appear to want to be friendly'...thats their choice to think that, and that fine.

....but who is laughing when the sh$t hits the fan and everyone is falling out over something stupid?

Not me.

My life is easy...

:D

Be who you want to be, not what others THINK you should be....
 
Oberon said:
Fortunately my yard is owned by a sensible, intelligent YO who DOESN'T have a personality disorder or a drink problem, so I'm lucky.....
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My YO has the latter problem which everyone is aware of- its no secret, although i do find it a tad 'different' as ive never come across a YO like it before.
 
I wouldn't worry.. I am friendly with all down the yard but as I work fulltime I normally miss people as Im down very early and late so tend to fall out of the loop.

I am also one of these people that likes to keep myself to myself.. I have a good friend down the yard but apart from that its "hello, how are you" to everyone else.

If your not bothered about being best buddies with the people down the yard then get on with it, carry on being polite as you are doing and enjoy your horse :D
 
SusieT said:
Well certainly if you care constantly moving as you can't get along with people that would suggest you need to review your attitude to things and whether you are taking things the wrong way. If you're not interested in talking to them and then are surprised by them stopping talking to you, what is the problem?
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Totally disagree, some people have no self confidence and cant cope with being in the situation that this poor girl has found herself in, sometimes on livery yards you cant do right for doing wrong. I feel really sorry for her having been in this situation myself on more than one occasion and she dosent say she dosent get along with people, she has no idea what she's done wrong and its likely to be nothing.....women, horses and livery yards dont mix.
 
TBH it sounds like the problem is that you haven't fitted in with what they want you to be rather than it being something wrong with you:) have they all been there longer and are quite buddy with eachother?
i'm on farm livery so we're all spread out but some of them really like to get together and gossip while i just like to get on doing my thing and only really talk with one person down there. I'm courteous to everyone else and have a quick chat in passing but refuse to get drawn into the 'omg have you heard' type of conversations which a few of them thrive on:rolleyes: They probably talk about me too but i'm lucky because i can hide in my own field and pretend they're not there lol:D
 
nuttynugget said:
I wouldn't worry.. I am friendly with all down the yard but as I work fulltime I normally miss people as Im down very early and late so tend to fall out of the loop.

I am also one of these people that likes to keep myself to myself.. I have a good friend down the yard but apart from that its "hello, how are you" to everyone else.

If your not bothered about being best buddies with the people down the yard then get on with it, carry on being polite as you are doing and enjoy your horse :D
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Very sensible piece of advice.
 
Am sure there is nothing wrong with you, hun! Livery yards are like families - some get on famously, some are always fueding - and you don't get to choose your family any more than you can choose who will be on your yard! Be kind to yourself and I am sure in time you will feel you fit in.
 
If,like many of us,your horse is a BIG part of your life.....or your reason for existing....Then you need to resolve this.
If I were in your situation I would ask the other liveries if they have a problem with anything you are doing(not with you,don't make it personal)
Tell them you are feeling uncomfortable and would like to resolve the situation. It will take guts,but it might help clear the air.Maybe you have not been told an unspoken rule or something really simple that you can change.
However, it may be its you are younger,prettier,have a better horse, ride better and there is probably not much you can do about that!:rolleyes:

PS I keep mine at home now.........and I have very few friends......so you might like to ignore my advice!:D
 
i can sympathise with you as well. i used to get on with everyone at the yard really well, would go for drinks with them, help them out even go for a pub lunch if up the yard all day. unfortunately some jumped up 20+ yr old woman turned up and singled people out for either using or abusing, if she thought you had nothing then she would try and intimidate you or bully and then berate you into a fight, once you snap she then turns on the water works in front of people but gives sly looks when their backs are turned.
the people who had something she wanted (mostly transport) then she would smarm up to them big time.

most of the people on the yard sussed her out quick and a couple stood up to her but the others just humour her now rather than start a fight/animosity making the yard uncomfortable. sad thing is that she thinks she's popular and has everyone wrapped round her finger when the truth is the complete opposite apart from one person.

what i'm saying is that having bad feelings on the yard isn't pleasant, whether you've caused them or not (either on purpose or by accident) so if there are any people on the yard that are friendlier than others then maybe ask them if they would be interested in getting everyone together for a few drinks or a meal......maybe even have a little fun yard show one afternoon just to get everyone involved and then they can see that you are a fun person but just very busy/stressed.
 
Kenzo said:
Well by the sounds of it, you seem like a nice sort of person to have on a yard, keep yourself to yourself, keep out of the drama's and get on with enjoynig your horse, maybe the yards you have been on are just too clicky so when you have not involved your self or taken sides, given opinons etc etc those people no longer have given you the time of day, which in itself is completely wrong, so perhaps it's not you or at least not as much as you think it could be.
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Am a lurker but had to post on this. With regard to this comment this is exactly what the OP has done, and has got into trouble for it. OP I am just the same. Moved to a fab yard recently only to find out that a certain clique that believes it runs the yard have been saying terrible things about me. Apparently I "know it all" but how this is true I have no idea, as each time I have ever spoken to these individuals it's been to listen to them going on and on about how fab they and their horses are and my response has been a very genuine "well done am so pleased for you!" as I am always pleased to hear happy stories about people with their horses achieving things because that's how it should be.

I have found it in other areas of life too. I can only conclude that by not trying to be in the clique, entry of which usually constitutes some moaning and a lot of bitching about others (it unites them) and keeping yourself to yourself and enjoying yourself, will rub other individuals up the wrong way.

Ignore the responses on here about it being you OP I am 200% sure it is not. I am proceeding that it is flattery that they take so much notice of me and that the yard is just what I want for my horses, and I am just the client the YM is appreciative of so am carrying on in my own sweet way. Don't let them push you off I think if it's a nice yard there is value in sticking it out, as I am xxxxx
 
can you pick someone on the yard whose opinion you trust, someone who is low key and not gossipy, and bring it up in a discussion and just say how you feel. not in a dramatic way, just objectively? you might get some interesting feedback.

I was on a yard years ago where there was a girl that was left to her own devices a bit; not bullied or ignored, but just not enthusiatically someone you would want to hack or ride with. - I didn't have a huge amount of contact with her other than hellos, not in an unfriendly way, but just because i found her very low energy. That probably doesn't make sense!, but you get a sense of a persons energy, and i always find the more energy you put into an interaction with someone, the more you get out of them. It's fine having polite conversations with people, but objectively are you genuinely interested or enthusiastic about them, or are you just doing the basics and being polite?
 
Sadly in some livery yards if youre not involved with the clique, you find yourself being bitched about by them, because they cant work you out:D
I dont think theres anything wrong with you, if you are as you say you are. Livery yards where everyone gets on all the time are few and far between
Most issues burn up for a short spell then settle down, i doubt you will ever find a yard where there are truly no personality clashes and no issues.
Look realistically at where you are and ask yourself if it is really as bad as you think it is
 
I used to be bothered by the attitude of certain other liveries, and have left 2 yards because the atmosphere stopped me spending as much time there as I would have liked.Now I am polite to everyone,unless they have proven it is not worth wasting my breath on them,and never get involved in someone elses drama.I told everyone I dont like drama,so they dont drag me in.The best advice I was given was "the horse lives there,not you."If the horse is happy and settled,I just wear headphones and keep busy.Or freak people out by being overly cheery :D
 
I wonder if it would be worth the OP organising a pub ride, or autumn picnic ride for the yard. Ask a few of the more approachable livery's, or the YO/YM if they think it is a good idea and then plan a nice simple route. If no one comes at least you have a ride out planned, if they do then what a good chance to get to know them and their horses. Might be worth a try
 
I have only ever been on two livery yards, one for 5 years and one for about 3. The curse of the livery yard is the coffee/tack room which seems to turn into a witch's coven where characters are assinated and alliances are forged. A bit like the Borgias but with a lot smaller clothing allowance.
Find a yard with no center for chat, where everyone is too busy living to bother about you and when you are talking to someone appear interested in what they say even if your mind is else where.
The obsession on yards is that everyone has to be friends which is just impossible, they are semi-perminate neighbours which you have not chosen, so why do you have to be friends. I would pass on friendship and accept courtesy to others.
 
I have to say I can fully understand your post.

I was on my last livery yard for 11 years. I was really happy there for the first few, everyone really friendly, really relaxed etc etc. Then an older couple moved on. They seemed to take a disliking to me and my friend and as a result made a massive atmosphere whenever we were there. Most other people were there all day, whereby me and my friend only went after work etc and I get the impression most of the other liveries felt that if they talked to us when that couple were around their lives would be made hell.

Spoke to yard owner about it etc etc and he didn't have the inclination/confidence to stand up to said bossy couple. The argument started would you believe because one day when I had pre-booked the school they decided they wanted to use it. And I said I didn't mind sharing but as that was the only time I could ride that day I wouldn't just give up my slot. I had only booked it the evening before so not like they didn't have opportunity to book it if they wanted to and they didn't work so were around all day!

Anyway, I found the best way to deal with it in the end was to turn up everyday with the biggest smile I could muster, shout hello to everyone and get on. All the other liveries realised I wasn't bothered and started to act in a similar manner and it all died down.

Several years later, for some unknown reason that I can't work out to this day, it all kicked off again, twice as bad. They were taking things out of my cupboards and using my feed etc etc, all of which I had witnesses for, and they admitted but just would say that I deserved it. Apparently one of the many things I did wrong was take 'fig rolls' for the communal biscuit tin when I should have known that neither of them liked 'fig rolls'! Anyway the bullying and hounding became too much and after taking advice from the police, I decided to move my horse before making an official complaint of theft.

Two weeks after I moved, he murdered her.

I guess I must have become some kind of scapegoat or something for their problems. As much as I disliked them, i'd take another ten years of bullying for that not to have happened.

I guess my point is, the best defence is being cheerful, people can't ignore it, if you smile and talk to them it's very difficult to ignore/be awkward back. Coming from someone who really has had an horrific experience at a yard, when I moved I found it very difficult to adjust. I think because for so long i'd been the victim, everytime someone had a conversation at the other end of the barn I thought it was about me. My new yard owner who is lovely helped me hugely, dragging me into conversations. And I can honestly say they're not bitchy. Everyone on my yard is lovely, we go to shows together, go for meals together, we all love our horses and we all help eachother out. The atmosphere is superb, once I learnt that at this place not everyone was out to get me!

I think maybe in the kindest possible way you need to take a step back and ask yourself as I had to, are you just presuming that people are going to be bitchy because of a previous experience. Make an effort to say Hi and ask how people are and i'm sure you'll be surprised by the results! Good luck!

P.S. If you really are unhappy then get out!
 
If it's happening on every yard it's probably you. You say you like to keep yourself to yourself and that they do not include you?
I'm afraid life doesn't work like that. You get out of something what you put in. I get that you are shy but if you don't make an effort to get involved at the beginning then you come across as not wanting to know. My advice is if you do change yards just for a week or so PRETEND to be the life and soul of the party. and PRETEND to be the most confident person you know.

This is a great psychological technique for getting into that elusive 'in crowd'. You don't have to be you for that week infact it's important that you are this 'character' of your own invention... First impressions do matter. After the first few days just start to water it down with a bit of 'you' and you may find that you enjoy being the other character and accept parts of that into your own personality in the long term.

THis by the way is also a great technique for job interviews and first days at new jobs...
 
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