Just for a laugh - most ridiculous thing you've heard an instructor saying...

The other one I loved was one of the girls on the yard with an ex-racer who is stiff as a board and kept tanking off with her in Prelim dressage tests. She told us that her instructor had told her in all seriousness that she was wasting her time doing Prelim and it was obvious that the horse should be doing Novice and upwards instead because it was 'bored'. WTF???
I think, fortunately for all concerned, the stiffness turned out to be arthritis and the horse is now a happy hacker. Ferdi and Carl must be breathing a sigh of relief...
 
Favourite one i have heard so far was instructor saying to rider (a middle aged women ;) )

"You've just done a square circle!"

and getting the reply

"is that good?"

:)
 
I've been shouted at in group classes "YOUR LEGS AND TONGUE!!"
refering to me concentrating that my legs flap and my tongue pokes out, instructor thought i was going to fall and bite my tongue off!!! :s
 
The most stupid thing said to me during riding lessons: "That's better. Can you feel the difference?" My answer was always "Yes" but I never actually could!

Or perhaps it was telling me that my horse was "only human after all."
 
I had a fantastic instructor who used to say Hadleigh was either a tractor or a rolls royce depending on how he was going!! I used to come away from a lesson with her absolutley knacked!
 
Trolt said:
I'm not sure ridiculous - but funniest and best piece of advice my friend was given.

She needed to sit deeper and wrap her legs around the horse in canter, and go with the movement rather than blocking it (horse had lovely big canter).
So friend warming up for competition, with instructor there.
In lovely irish tones, yelled across the warm up

"Ride him like you'd f---ing ride Brad Pitts face!!!"

Me and close companions dissolved into fits of laughter, warm up arena came to a stand still as people tried to work out if they'd hear that right, and friend nearly fell off in big canter as was giggling!!
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Love that


My instructor tells me to slow my mare down with my seat !

My bum just is not that clever

and to stop sticking my bum out and stick my boobs out instead
 
My instructor is brilliant and I love her to death but she scares me:
" You are an analytical sort aren't you?'
"Yes"
" Well stop analysing and ride the bl**dy horse"

When I fell off the first reaction from her was: "What am I going to do with you?"

On learning sitting trot:
"Are you epileptic?"
"No, why?
"Just wondered"

On running through a dressage test;
"Stop, stop!" Pulls test sheet out and reads it : "NO, it doesn't say slump anywhere in here"

Commonest is "Oh for God's sake! Its not difficult!!!"
 
or just remember argh how did it go "ride like you have a broom handle down between your shoulder and tucked into your boots"

Or instructor told my dad "shes no fear but that's not going to work for her" dad had no idea what she meant!

once heard a quite down to earth instructor tell some spoilt brat that she had the best horse there, it was just a shame she couldn't ride it for toffee
 
Our old PC Instructor's fave was as pony was tearing round the arena out of control and pupil hanging on for dear life was to yell..'yes well done dear..now show him he's displeased you in order to regain control..' following the usual dumping of pupil it was a sarcastic 'yes..but do catch him first dear..if you can'...
 
When I was 8 a Columbian instructor said, "When your horse F*** off with you, you need to know how to stop" It was great cause it was the accent he had.

That was definatly my last lesson with him though, my mum was rather shocked he was a childrens instructor :)
 
Local hunter trials, came into practice jump which apparently had teeth. Horse disappeared from underneath me and I went splat. Guy who was giving me lessons at the time caught horse, wandered over and went 'You needed that' - not in a horrible way, but I was a bit gobsmacked at first! :p In truth, it did wake me up and make me ride, but I swear there may have been a better way..... xD

I've been known to tell my friend though that the horse would be better off riding her :p She rides well - except she's too nice to the damned horse who then takes the p*ss! She's getting better though, apparently...
 
this has so made me chuckle - but also given me some brilliant tips - i was dreading learning to canter (wont be long i think) but as a 43 yr old mum of 4 i think i might be pretty good at it lol!!!!!!!!!!;)
Thank you everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
 
I was frequently told to "stop riding with your hands in your foof" by one instructor.

The same instructor was trying me to sit more upright in canter on the lunge, and was yelling "sit on your effing sphincter"...

I was laughing so much going round on the lunge that I went straight out the side door! :) :)
 
My instructor/trainer handing me back my horse having just been deposited on the floor *again* ''if you must insist on buying these talented nut jobs I'm training them with my feet on the floor from now on, he's all yours!'' I was laughing a lot in between being apologetic for his behaviour! She stuck true to her word as well, shes never ever got back on him!! :o
The other thing that used to have me in fits was her flatwork schooling on my hunter, everytime she took the mare down the bottom end of the school and came up the long side I would hear ''FOR FRIGS SAKE SHES LINING UP FOR THE BLOODY GATE AGAIN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HUNT THE RUBBISH SHES A PERFECTLY GOOD DRESSAGE HORSE!'' :D
 
I suspect I may have taught one or two of you!!!!

The saddle shagging is bemusing me tho - I used to spend large arounts of time telling ladies that 'Look dear, just because you can't get a man, that is no excuse for shagging the saddle like that' -I don't WANT people saddle shagging, I want them to sit on their seat bones and be light!
 
emma69 said:
The saddle shagging is bemusing me tho - I used to spend large arounts of time telling ladies that 'Look dear, just because you can't get a man, that is no excuse for shagging the saddle like that' -I don't WANT people saddle shagging, I want them to sit on their seat bones and be light!
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I think it was because I was sticking my backside out behind me and not relaxing and going with the movement.....at least that's what I thought she meant!
 
To me, saddle shagging are those awful people who think thrusting their hips is somehow going to make their horses go better! The sort whose chaps probably get friction burns in the sack as well! Perhaps 'making sweet, gentle love' would be a better term!
 
Along the same lines as some others, overheard an instructor trying to get someone to sit straight instead of leaning back waaaay too much in the canter:

"I want you sitting so deep you orgasm by the end of this lesson, got it?"

It was a rather unpleasant five minutes for me after that as I had snorted my can of drink through my nose in laughter.
 
I always used to get confused with the 'go forwards into trot' when i was cantering- i would be thinking -huh? thats a gait DOWNWARDS- of course i know they meant keep an active trot after the canter but it still sounds weird :)
 
Ruthnmeg said:
''Sit up, stick your tits out''! lol
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I get this EVERY SINGLE lesson ahaha, and 'your horse looks like a banana':p. Can't remember any really funny ones today as i had an awful lesson and got off and finished halfway through crying cos she was ovbs in pain *we think ill fitting saddle, and saddler is coming out in the morning and back man to follow* and i felt really mean and she was bucking and then rooting herself to the ground :(
Had some really funny ones/heard some, but can't remember any atm :)
 
I was always told riding like you're face f*cking the saddle is NOT the way to do it! But I think I get what your instructors were aiming at! xxxx
 
Beth, Your not a penguin for gods sake get your feet in

Beth, It you don't stretch thoose lovely long legs down, I'll confiscate your stirrups

Beth, unless you enjoy the taste of sand. Get F****** control of that pony

My favourite one after being sent to catch the 'naughty' pony

' No-way your actually back, I was going to come check on you after an hour'
 
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