Letter to my Instructor

Gingerwitch

Gingerwitch

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Look, i will never compete at anything than Novice or much more than 3' jumping and I will need my big brave pants on for that... the wind in the right direction and on the right horse and not a cloud in the sky, the right colour grass etc......
and I am sure that you as my instructor thinks that by offering to get on my very spooky horse that needs the rider to relax totally on will help...
but it does not, it makes me more tense, it makes me feel like I am doing a really bad job, it makes me feel like giving up, and frankly i want to cry with humiliation and frustration every time you offer to do this to show me.
You have taught me so, much, and have help me all the time, but please please please stop saying you wish you could get on my horse.
To be honest, if you offer again I will either give up riding and sell up, or just turn the horse into a very expensive lawn mower.
I am sure many of you will tell me to get over myself, and to let the better rider get on, but that will not work for me, I feel so humiliated by the whole issue.
:(
 
Why humiliated, because someone who does something for a living is better than you at it? I’m sure you’re better than your instructor at lots of things but riding is their specialty so of course they should be good at it - it’s often helpful for the instructor to get on a horse that’s having problems because you can sometimes feel a problem you can’t see... what do they do to make this a humiliating experience ?
 
It is the way it makes Me feel, like i tried to explain in this earlier post it makes me feel that I am even more rubbish at riding than I already feel, it makes me feel stupid, inadequate, I do not need to pay to feel like that, i get that feeling for free. How will getting on help ? The last person to sit on her, booted her in the ribs, smacked her in the mouth and basically turned my little sweetheart in to a terrified "omg" horse that is scared stiff of being in a school, it took me a year after this disastrous instructor sit on to get her to even walk in a school, I have explained all this on many occasions. Okay so she gets on and rides her better than I do, to me it will just confirm that both her and I think I am a crap rider, and yes I am. how will getting on her help me ? do I just end up paying for an instructor to ride, as my confidence ebbs ever more away, and what happens if she gets on and it goes wrong, how do i trust someone not to hit her, jag her in the mouth and un do all the work I have already done ?
 
blitznbobs said:
Why humiliated, because someone who does something for a living is better than you at it? I’m sure you’re better than your instructor at lots of things but riding is their specialty so of course they should be good at it - it’s often helpful for the instructor to get on a horse that’s having problems because you can sometimes feel a problem you can’t see... what do they do to make this a humiliating experience ?
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Agree with this. I’m happy for any of my instructors to get on and either tune up my horse or show me how I can do it. I’m quite relieved actually if they’re being difficult 😳
 
My instructor rides my horse regularly, and it's great. The horse is getting schooled well, and my instructor understands her 'quirks', which in turn, she teaches me to deal with.
If you are not happy with the current situation, change it.
 
Gingerwitch said:
It is the way it makes Me feel, like i tried to explain in this earlier post it makes me feel that I am even more rubbish at riding than I already feel, it makes me feel stupid, inadequate, I do not need to pay to feel like that, i get that feeling for free. How will getting on help ? The last person to sit on her, booted her in the ribs, smacked her in the mouth and basically turned my little sweetheart in to a terrified "omg" horse that is scared stiff of being in a school, it took me a year after this disastrous instructor sit on to get her to even walk in a school, I have explained all this on many occasions. Okay so she gets on and rides her better than I do, to me it will just confirm that both her and I think I am a crap rider, and yes I am. how will getting on her help me ? do I just end up paying for an instructor to ride, as my confidence ebbs ever more away, and what happens if she gets on and it goes wrong, how do i trust someone not to hit her, jag her in the mouth and un do all the work I have already done ?
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To be fair, it sounds like the issue is not just with the instructor riding the horse. I would give lessons a rest for now, when you feel stronger either show the instructor the first post on this thread or find a new one and show then the first post on this thread.

I have stopped training other people now, but when I did some people liked me to ride and some did not. If there was an issue sometimes it genuinely helped me to grasp what the problem was and how to proceed by having a sit on. Sometimes the horse was in a pickle and it was simply kinder to the horse to have the way out of the pickle explained, then I could explain to the rider and the rider could get back on with serenity restored. Sometimes a rider did not feel comfortable to do something, like teach a horse to jump, so I would ride for that. I was not riding for the joy of it for myself, but to help the horse/rider combination. If someone asked me not to ride then I would not, simple.

Is there anything else going on stressful in your life? Often things will spill over into your riding. Is it something where seeking the opinion of a Doctor would help?

However, if you don't trust your trainer not to rough up your horse I WOULD find another trainer.
 
Gingerwitch said:
It is the way it makes Me feel, like i tried to explain in this earlier post it makes me feel that I am even more rubbish at riding than I already feel, it makes me feel stupid, inadequate, I do not need to pay to feel like that, i get that feeling for free. How will getting on help ? The last person to sit on her, booted her in the ribs, smacked her in the mouth and basically turned my little sweetheart in to a terrified "omg" horse that is scared stiff of being in a school, it took me a year after this disastrous instructor sit on to get her to even walk in a school, I have explained all this on many occasions. Okay so she gets on and rides her better than I do, to me it will just confirm that both her and I think I am a crap rider, and yes I am. how will getting on her help me ? do I just end up paying for an instructor to ride, as my confidence ebbs ever more away, and what happens if she gets on and it goes wrong, how do i trust someone not to hit her, jag her in the mouth and un do all the work I have already done ?
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If your instructor boots her in the ribs and makes her harder to ride , get a new instructor... so you’re not the best rider in the world, so what? Are your lessons making you better? If not, it’s your teacher who’s the failure not you... don’t give up on you, give up on the instructor.. or find a horse that isn’t a spooky nutter... but never give up on you. If you don’t want to ride anymore that’s your choice, no one ever said you have to ride, but someone being better than you at something is an inevitability of life and no one is good at everything.
 
Gingerwitch said:
It is the way it makes Me feel, like i tried to explain in this earlier post it makes me feel that I am even more rubbish at riding than I already feel, it makes me feel stupid, inadequate, I do not need to pay to feel like that, i get that feeling for free. How will getting on help ? The last person to sit on her, booted her in the ribs, smacked her in the mouth and basically turned my little sweetheart in to a terrified "omg" horse that is scared stiff of being in a school, it took me a year after this disastrous instructor sit on to get her to even walk in a school, I have explained all this on many occasions. Okay so she gets on and rides her better than I do, to me it will just confirm that both her and I think I am a crap rider, and yes I am. how will getting on her help me ? do I just end up paying for an instructor to ride, as my confidence ebbs ever more away, and what happens if she gets on and it goes wrong, how do i trust someone not to hit her, jag her in the mouth and un do all the work I have already done ?
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I think your instructor is trying to help you by helping your horse and I would hope that you have picked an instructor that you trust to ride your horse and not someone who is going to abuse your horse when they get on, if you don't trust your instructor get a different one or don't have instruction just enjoy your horse as is.
As for how your instructor getting on will help you, by watching your instructor I would hope you get a better idea of what your instructor is trying to explain to you from the ground.
I think you need to take a break and figure out where you want to go with your horse and what is the best way fir you to get there, given you feel a more experienced rider (your instructor) undermines your confidence.
 
blitznbobs said:
If your instructor boots her in the ribs and makes her harder to ride , get a new instructor... so you’re not the best rider in the world, so what? Are your lessons making you better? If not, it’s your teacher who’s the failure not you... don’t give up on you, give up on the instructor.. or find a horse that isn’t a spooky nutter... but never give up on you. If you don’t want to ride anymore that’s your choice, no one ever said you have to ride, but someone being better than you at something is an inevitability of life and no one is good at everything.
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Look I know my instructor is a much better rider than me. I have explained on numerous occassions that I will not let anyone on this one horse again, due to the experience I had with a previous instructor. I let her ride one of my others, that does not bother me at all. But I will not let her ride this one - as I keep explaining, it will not help me, it will make me feel worse
 
Gingerwitch said:
Look I know my instructor is a much better rider than me. I have explained on numerous occassions that I will not let anyone on this one horse again, due to the experience I had with a previous instructor. I let her ride one of my others, that does not bother me at all. But I will not let her ride this one - as I keep explaining, it will not help me, it will make me feel worse
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Then don’t let her ride it . Say it in these words make it clear and let her explain why she’s so desperate to ride it. You employ her, not the other way around
 
I get how you feel but like someone else said she is a professional and your instructor so of course she is better than you. It’s not a failing on your part. I was feeling a bit glum about being a bad rider as my horse is away for schooling and the lady is riding her fantastically but that’s what I paid her to do. I felt a bit better when she discovered what I do for a living and was actually amazed and “I could never do that”. We all have different strengths, I’m sure you’re much better than her at some things!

This sounds a bit like a confidence issue as well, could you take a break from the lessons and try performance coaching? Change how you view what you are doing and how you learn? It’s vey useful and can be done on a chair and not on horseback
 
I spent many years teaching riders at all levels - many on their own horses. Occasionally I would ask to ride it because I felt that SHOWING the rider what to do would work better rather than just telling them - although if what I said wasn't working, I generally found another way of explaining it that made more sense to the rider. The most successful 'technique' I used (if you can call it a 'technique' was getting them to sing while they were riding to relax the tension. That definitely works if the rider has a clue at all. Ask yourself two questions: is there something the Instructor is telling me to do that I don't understand, or that my body won't co-operate with? Do you otherwise LIKE the Instructor? If the answers to these two questions are YES, send her a link to this thread. Otherwise, find a new one.
 
Sometimes it is kinder to explain a problematic thing to the horse first, then ask the rider to do it - then the rider can "feel" it from the horse. Why would this make you feel bad?

I would certainly hope your instructor is better at this than you are, otherwise why are you paying money to have them teach you?
 
JanetGeorge said:
I spent many years teaching riders at all levels - many on their own horses. Occasionally I would ask to ride it because I felt that SHOWING the rider what to do would work better rather than just telling them - although if what I said wasn't working, I generally found another way of explaining it that made more sense to the rider. The most successful 'technique' I used (if you can call it a 'technique' was getting them to sing while they were riding to relax the tension. That definitely works if the rider has a clue at all. Ask yourself two questions: is there something the Instructor is telling me to do that I don't understand, or that my body won't co-operate with? Do you otherwise LIKE the Instructor? If the answers to these two questions are YES, send her a link to this thread. Otherwise, find a new one.
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I could have written this, as I often find getting on really helps and can usually move both horse and rider forward in a positive way, if you trust the instructor on the ground you should be able to trust her judgement on top, if not find one you do trust totally so you can put your one bad experience behind you.
 
Cortez said:
Sometimes it is kinder to explain a problematic thing to the horse first, then ask the rider to do it - then the rider can "feel" it from the horse. Why would this make you feel bad?

I would certainly hope your instructor is better at this than you are, otherwise why are you paying money to have them teach you?
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The problem is this - the horse is very sharp and very explosive and easily distracted - you need to be 100% relaxed when she goes off on one, and give her a job to do and concentrate on. I thought I was doing quite well - but when she gets explosive i get tense, I really try not to, but I do, or I am anticipating the explosion. So please what is the instructor going to show me that i do not already know - she explodes you have to ignore it, and carry on, you change direction, but not sharply, you sit back, you give with arms, but keep a contact, she eventually starts work again, until the next thing sets her off. All of this I understand - doing it is a damn site easier said than done. so please tell me how is an instructor getting on is going to help this situation - what is she going to teach the horse that I am already not aware of ?
 
I think different riders need different coaching methods. Some people can observe and copy, others can't. For me personally I prefer my instructor not to ride as I like to work things out by trying things out with support from the ground to put my hand here or my leg there. I can watch someone til the cows come home but wouldn't be able to copy them.

I search out instructors who can explain things well and can tell from the horses way of going that I'm sitting too much on the inside seat bone or that I need to move my outside lower leg forward or whatever it is. An instructor getting on to show me how it's done is never going to have the same outcome

So OP don't feel bad, you are not alone

But find a new trainer, this one doesn't suit
 
But what if....

Your instructor got on your horse and said 'oh gosh yes...I see what you mean now. I know some exercise's that might help with this'.

Wouldn't you then think that it isn't you, you aren't a terrible rider and wouldn't you be pleased that you finally have a way forward with someone who understands the issues and can support you?
 
If you don't want your intructor to ride your horse, then don't let her and if she persists and you feel uncomfortable, get another instructor. However, I don't have any problem in having a trainer ride my horse and if I was having a particular problem I'd ask them to get on. I'd also expect them to be able to get a better tune out of my horse than I do, it's their job, it's my hobby. When I can afford it, I am also very happy for my horse to go away for a few days schooling, he always comes back softer and completely on the aids, it's my job then to keep him like that. I don't have the easiest horse, not naughty but quite sensitive and reactive, he's also quite big and powerful. we have gone from focusing on giving me "control" to getting him " more rideable" for me and I've gone from being rather intimidated by him to really REALLY enjoying him. If I were you I'd start thinking where you want to go with your horse, as at the moment, he doesn't sound much fun and it should be. I should also add that I ditched the trainer I'd had for the first 20 months that I had my horse as I was making no progress at all and finding a different trainer (who was actually quite tough and blunt with me) was pivotal, if I had not done this, I doubt I'd still have the horse! As an aside, IME spooky horses generally aren't on the aids. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
 
Maybe this is not the right Horse for you if it makes you tense. If he explodes like you say he does and you are tense riding him and getting tense anticipating what his next move will be, perhaps he is not the Horse for you. It can't be fun for you, especially if you are now upset that your instructor wants to get on the Horse. Perhaps she feels she won't be as tense and therefore the Horse might go better. But either way, he is your Horse and if you are not comfortable with anyone else riding him then that is your decision and next time she asks I would just politely say you are not keen on the idea of anyone getting on the Horse and leave it at that.
 
Gingerwitch, everyone is different and ultimately you are the paying client - so if you really don’t want your instructor to ride then you don’t have to.

But, if you can try and detach yourself from the deep emotion you are feeling about this, it sounds to me as if the main problem is in your head.

When we own horses, is it not up to us to have them as well trained and adjusted as we can within the limits of our control? Some horses are easier than others, but in my opinion it is not in any horses best interests to only be ridden by one person, especially if that one person is struggling to achieve what is needed.

Ultimately you need to really trust your instructor and if your gut is telling you it to let this instructor on board then maybe you need a different instructor.

Sometimes it’s not all about you, it’s about what might benefit the horse too ... which bigger picture should help you too.

I find it very helpful for trusted people to ride my horses to give me feedback. It would be fairly rare for an instructor to get on during a lesson, as I usually find that whoever I train with can resolve things from the ground with me on top. But earlier this year my instructor did get on when the wheels were falling off - he had exactly the same problem as me (which actually gave me confidence I wasn’t being useless!), but identified what was going wrong and gave me a structured schooling plan to go home with to fix the issue, which it did.
 
I'm a bit torn on this one. On the one hand you are employing the instructor and it's your horse and your decision which she should accept.

On the other hand, maybe the reason the message isn't getting through to your instructor is because there is no logic to it? As others have said, if you don't trust your instructor not to kick and jab, why would you trust her to teach you or ride your other horse. If she rides your other horse nicely why not rethink letting her have a sit on this horse? It might help you get over your anxiety about the situation as well as helping her to understand the horse.

I'm lucky in that my instructor knows my horse very well as she was the person selling him on behalf of the previous owner and she actually backed him. I generally like my instructor to have a little sit on my horses though so they know what they are dealing with and can help me find the right buttons to push.
 
blitznbobs said:
Why humiliated, because someone who does something for a living is better than you at it? I’m sure you’re better than your instructor at lots of things but riding is their specialty so of course they should be good at it - it’s often helpful for the instructor to get on a horse that’s having problems because you can sometimes feel a problem you can’t see... what do they do to make this a humiliating experience ?
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How is the RI riding the horse going to make OP a better/more effective rider? The offer to get on the horse and show that it can be done is what is humiliating.

OP, this instructor isn't providing what you need, so just as you should in any area of your life, it is up to you to make a change. Find a different RI who can teach you to do what you want to learn. I can't imagine that you need to learn that others can be more effective riders, most of know that we are never going to be Olympic standard but we do want to be able to ride our own horses as well as we can. It is the RI's role, that you are paying her to perform, to help you to learn how to do that.

Please don't give up riding, although I wouldn't blame you for giving up lessons altogether for a while. In fact I might advise you to just take a bit of time out of lessons to spend time with your horse and enjoy riding again.
 
Gingerwitch said:
The problem is this - the horse is very sharp and very explosive and easily distracted - you need to be 100% relaxed when she goes off on one, and give her a job to do and concentrate on. I thought I was doing quite well - but when she gets explosive i get tense, I really try not to, but I do, or I am anticipating the explosion. So please what is the instructor going to show me that i do not already know - she explodes you have to ignore it, and carry on, you change direction, but not sharply, you sit back, you give with arms, but keep a contact, she eventually starts work again, until the next thing sets her off. All of this I understand - doing it is a damn site easier said than done. so please tell me how is an instructor getting on is going to help this situation - what is she going to teach the horse that I am already not aware of ?
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Well maybe tell your instructor you don't want them to ride her and also consider if you feel you aren't making progress with not tensing up and anticipating an explosion this may not be the right horse for you to progress with. I truly hope you can get what you want out of having instruction, it's suppossed to be fun.
 
Gingerwitch said:
The problem is this - the horse is very sharp and very explosive and easily distracted - you need to be 100% relaxed when she goes off on one, and give her a job to do and concentrate on. I thought I was doing quite well - but when she gets explosive i get tense, I really try not to, but I do, or I am anticipating the explosion. So please what is the instructor going to show me that i do not already know - she explodes you have to ignore it, and carry on, you change direction, but not sharply, you sit back, you give with arms, but keep a contact, she eventually starts work again, until the next thing sets her off. All of this I understand - doing it is a damn site easier said than done. so please tell me how is an instructor getting on is going to help this situation - what is she going to teach the horse that I am already not aware of ?
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Where do I start? What is she going to teach the horse: What you are not, presumably?
 
blitznbobs said:
If you aren’t able to teach a horse how to relax then you kind of put your instructor in a difficult position. If you can’t ride this horse how it needs to be ridden and you won’t let anyone else ride it then you are right there is no hope for this horse.
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This I am afraid - what your instructor might feel or recognise is the 'pre' explosive bit and be able to help you head it off at the pass so to speak.

However it is your horse and only who you say gets on the horse gets on the horse. If things are improving with the instruction keep going but make clear that you do not want them to ride the horse.

However I also wouldn't be blaming the instructor for making you feel inadequate - that is obviously your hang up and I know few decent instructors who wouldn't offer to get on a particularly sharp spooky horse to see what is going on.
 
Maybe if your instructor is more of the traditional type you’d be better off investigating someone that has for example done such things as NLP training, Alexander technique, Ride with your mind, centred riding etc. Who might look at you more holistically and tackle your relaxation issues that way. I’ve definitely found various techniques such as those very helpful.
 
blitznbobs said:
If you aren’t able to teach a horse how to relax then you kind of put your instructor in a difficult position. If you can’t ride this horse how it needs to be ridden and you won’t let anyone else ride it then you are right there is no hope for this horse.
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Was there really any need for that ?
 
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