Life after horses

[acw295]

I had my beautiful old girl put to sleep suddenly this week. I’m still in shock. It was probably the right decision (it wasn’t an emergency but an existing issue had flared and I just didn’t want to keep her going for the sake of it) but I am absolutely devastated. She was my world.

I miss her dreadfully but I am also missing the routine/lifestyle. For various reasons (mostly money-I had got in to a lot of debt keeping her going through some medical issues) I won’t be having another one for at least 5 years, and by then I might consider myself too old anyway.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I wanted my own for as long as I can remember but had to wait until I was 30 (riding other people’s until then). 16 years on there’s a bit of me that can’t bear not being a horse owner anymore- it’s all I wanted and now she’s gone.

I know I will get offers of rides and will probably have some lessons again but it’s not the riding I miss (my horse had been retired a while). I just miss having her.

I’ve got a house renovation and a daughter about to start school so it’s not like I have nothing to do-but I don’t want to do any of it.

Can anyone who’s had to give up horses suddenly give me so reassurance that there’s happiness without a mane to cry on, because that’s all I want right now. I am not a horse owner any more and that hurts so much.

 

[Ditchjumper2]

There is a life definitely! More money, no commitments no having to go out in awful weather. I struggled at first but whilst I miss them I now enjoy the freedom.

 

[onemoretime]

I cant imagine my life without a horse in it so I know how you feel. The mare I have now will be my last as Im 70 years old but I still ride her out 3 to 4 times a week and my friend who is a professional rider schools and competes her for me. I love the stable work and the looking after her and the companion pony, my life would be empty without them. There must be a life without horses though, could you get involved with a riding club or local show centre to help out or offer your services as a freelance/holiday groom that way you would still be keeping your hand in and you never know what may come out of that. Im very sorry about your mare its so raw when you have to say goodbye to such a loyal friend.

 

[Gloi]

If I've read it correctly you're only 46. You have years left to have horses if you want them. You'll be 51 in 5 years and that's nowhere near too old.

 

[Jambarissa]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it is heartbreaking.

I agree with you that it'd be the lifestyle I miss rather than the riding. There are a million people who would really value your help, do you have any friends at your old yard who'd like you to do a regular gig? You could even get a low level share, just 2 days a week if you wanted.

You are probably best to try to replace with something non horsey but I find that it's easy to skip days if no one else is impacted. Maybe walking a neighbours dog everyday or something like that?

 

[PurpleSpots]

Nothing helpful to write other than I'm so sorry and am sending you a huge hug .

 

[Trouper]

I am so sorry you have lost your girl - it is always heartbreaking.

However.................goodness me you have years of horse ownership to look forward to! Because of career and family commitments I did not get back until I was in my 60's (Note - don't leave it that long!). It was so long I had virtually to re-learn stable management!!

The grief will be quite overwhelming just now so try to go with it and let your other responsibilites take over for a while - but make a plan of when a return might be and maybe start saving now. Don't look back - look forward. Somewhere there is another waiting for you.

 

[Skib]

I am so sorry you lost your horse. I still mourn our favourite cat. But like @Trouper (above) I didnt start riding till I was over 60 and I am still riding 20 years later so there is plenty of riding life ahead of you, if you ever want it some day, some place. Our kids had grown up and married and riding was my great self indulgence.

 

[Cortez]

I’m sorry you lost your mare, it’s especially shocking when you’re not expecting it. There is a life without horses though, and it’s freer, vastly less expensive, and more wide ranging. I have spent my whole life professionally involved with horses from the age of 14, to say goodbye to my last horse 2 years ago at 63 (not unplanned though). Since then I have travelled, gone to many different arts and cultural events, hiked with my dogs for days in wonderful landscapes, camped and really relaxed without worry for the first time in decades. I’m older than you, but if I wanted to (I don’t) I could have another horse for years yet. I hope you find something to enjoy doing with the free time you have now.

 

[94lunagem]

Nothing helpful to say other than I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there with the loss of a horse of a lifetime and it’s heartbreaking.

You’ll never replace her, but if you ever do have another they’ll still find a way into your heart. It’s just different.

 

[twiggy2]

Sorry for the loss of your mare.
I sold my last mare 7yrs ago when I was looking for a big lifestyle change I didn't think I qould have another, I was 45, my big life change happened and I a m now a full time shepherd in the highlands of Scotland and less than 2 weeks ago I welcomed a 2yr old highland filly into my life.
You have many years of horse ownership opportunity ahead of you, do you know anyone who has a non ridden horse that could do with a bit of tlc and attention?

 

[Spotherisk]

I bought my first when I was 28, and he died last year when I was 53, my others had all died before him. We have the land at home and yes I miss both the boys in my avatar, but I don’t want another. I now work 19 hours a week, and I have fund with my lurcher, doing agility. He always loads, the classes are cheaper, the social side with training is great, and yes he’s not a horse, but I love him dearly.

 

[splashgirl45]

I’ve had to give up because of a riding accident which caused a brain bleed. I am 78 and would still be riding and looking after a horse if the accident hadn’t happened so you won’t be too old in 5 years time to get another. I fully understand the fact that your lifestyle has completely changed and that part is the most difficult IMO as your days are structured around the horses. At least there is nothing physically stopping you having another so why not save up the money your horse would have cost you over the next few years but in the meantime make yourself deal with the other priorities in your life. Good luck

 

[Baywonder]

I am so sorry you have lost your lovely mare. It hurts so much doesn't it?

I lost my old boy suddenly too. I turned up at the yard as usual one morning, and a few hours later he was gone. The pain I felt was, at times, unbearable.

But, I did get through it all. I didn't have another horse, but I found other things to keep me busy; family, work, uni etc.

It is so difficult at first, but you will find a way through this - and please remember we are all here for you. X

<<Hugs>>

 

[Sealine]

I'm so sorry. Give yourself some time to process what's happened and get used to a new daily routine.

You are still young so there is plenty of time for you to own/loan/share a horse in the future. You say you have a young daughter. Does she ride? If so, perhaps you can find her a share.

 

[Birker2020]

I had my beautiful old girl put to sleep suddenly this week. I’m still in shock. It was probably the right decision (it wasn’t an emergency but an existing issue had flared and I just didn’t want to keep her going for the sake of it) but I am absolutely devastated. She was my world.

I miss her dreadfully but I am also missing the routine/lifestyle. For various reasons (mostly money-I had got in to a lot of debt keeping her going through some medical issues) I won’t be having another one for at least 5 years, and by then I might consider myself too old anyway.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I wanted my own for as long as I can remember but had to wait until I was 30 (riding other people’s until then). 16 years on there’s a bit of me that can’t bear not being a horse owner anymore- it’s all I wanted and now she’s gone.

I know I will get offers of rides and will probably have some lessons again but it’s not the riding I miss (my horse had been retired a while). I just miss having her.

I’ve got a house renovation and a daughter about to start school so it’s not like I have nothing to do-but I don’t want to do any of it.

Can anyone who’s had to give up horses suddenly give me so reassurance that there’s happiness without a mane to cry on, because that’s all I want right now. I am not a horse owner any more and that hurts so much.

I lost my horse of 17 years in 2021, bought another 4 months later but only rode 15 times as he was too badly effected with KS/arthritis and is now retired. I am a bit lost, at first I threw myself into the gym and I can still spend time with the retired horse, although he's not on the doorstep we visit twice a week. But then it got a bit boring, apart from walking the dog there wasn't a lot to do and I don't have many friends so rarely do anything, partner doesn't want to go for walks as his hurt his knee and is awaiting a knee replacement and reluctant to do anything even when he's fit and well.

Mum had a fall back in May and its been non stop in terms of visiting her, taking her to hospital appointments, etc. She's now full time in a home and the house is going up for rent so I have all that to try and sort out before we go on holiday, so when we come back third week September I can start looking for another horse again in earnest. I miss the taking care as well. I loved going up early, getting him in from the field, mucking out, haying and just caring for him.

I don't have the offer of rides, not one single one. Had offers but cruelly never followed through so I'd rather not have people offer in the first place as it hurts too much. I don't think people intentionally set out to say something but never follow through, I just think they don't realise how excited I am and how devastated I am when they never see it through. In terms of going to the yard where my stable is being held, its like someone is sticking a knife in my chest, I find it hard to visit as I so miss it all but the solution for me is not being around other people's horses, or watching people ride and having fun, its having my own again. I'm 54 and can't imagine spending the next 20 years without a horse, but at the same time can't do it at the moment as there is too much going on in my life and I am not prepared to harm my mental health further by taking on too much at once. I have just reached an even keel (sometimes scarily not that even) and can't risk going backwards again and falling off that cliff face into the dark abyss below.

Luckily I have a fab YO and personal friend who has beared with me for 15 months (I am now paying to hold my stable) as its such a lovely stable. She knows I am definitely going to buy another, of that there is no doubt and she has been a great support, so has my friend who told me to take a step back, lose weight and get my confidence and fitness back which is what I was concentrating on before all the issues with Mum breaking her hip, operation at 88 and having to rent the house out. I had a couple of worrying viewings back in March/April and nearly came off a horse I'd viewed who started broncing, and then I literally found my 'perfect' horse and the weather was horrendous during viewing and it felt like it was going to 'take off' and the nerves took over and I couldn't ride it. Luckily I did what my friend suggested and went to slimming world and lost 16 1/2 pounds which has put me in good stead.

The lifestyle and routine is very hard to suddenly stop abruptly. I intend to throw myself back at the gym but have a bit of an issue with tiredness at the moment, once I've sorted that out I can go from there.

There is happiness without a horse but in my case it was only for a short while. But at least this breathing space will give you the time to save as much money as you can. This is what I'm trying to do, have the purchase price plus 3 or 4K contingency. So far I have the purchase price only. I feel very afraid without having something to fall back onto.

 

[Nonjumper]

I suddenly had the rug pulled from under my feet when I was told by my doctor that I must never ride again. At the time I had owned horses for many many years and owned 5 at the time as I both competed and bred. I sold my ridden horses but kept the show/broodmares for a while and sent them away to be produced, but it wasn't the same at all so in the end I sold them too.

I'm not going to lie, I did and still do miss horses, especially on warm sunny days when I'd love to just go for a hack. However, when it's heaving down with rain or bitterly cold in winter I'm glad I no longer do it. I did find something else to occupy myself (and my money). Given time you will too, but you must give yourself time.

 

[AmyMay]

There is a life definitely! More money, no commitments no having to go out in awful weather. I struggled at first but whilst I miss them I now enjoy the freedom.

This. I don’t miss being poor financially, emotionally or physically

 

[maisie06]

So sorry - they leave a gaping hole when they go suddenly. I lost my beautiful boy back in 2015, He was a horse of a lifetime and I was lost without him even though I had 2 others, when the old girl went = planned so a very different experince I sold the youngster as I didn't want horses of my own anymore after 30 years of being tied tothe yard twice a day every day I enjoyed the freedom and money and went and did some travel. I would never have another, a friend had hers PTS last week and is already looking though so we are all different. I still do holiday cover for friends when they go away so get to have some contact. Take a break do something else for a while and it's never too late to go back to it, and as someone else suggested save the cash you would have spent on the horse and if you find you don't want another you will have a nice little pot of money you can treat yourself with.

 

[Lucky Snowball]

I’m sorry that you lost your mare. It’s early days. Things usually work themselves out. Give yourself time.

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I am so sorry it is never easy to lose them is it. I was about 30 when I had a nasty accident breaking a youngster in and broke my neck. While I was well and truly out of it my OH sold both my horses and the youngster. He had thought I would never be fit to ride again, plus my two young sons witnessed my accident and where left very traumatised, he did not want to risk putting them through anything like that again.

When he told me about it I was quite OK about it and in view of being a young Mum I now realised what a huge responsibility I owed my kids it was really not a big deal at that time. But as I recovered I became more and more depressed, one of my siblings pointed out to me it was the first time in my life I had not had horses so perhaps I needed to seriously think about starting again. So I bought another, older been there done that type and the rest is history. Unfortunately at the age of 72 ill health forced me to stop altogether, I sold my riding horse, kept my old mare and two donkeys. I now accept my riding days are over and in the near future for various reasons I will be having to PTS my old mare, that will finish me I think.

My son has to do all the caring of them now and he will continue to look after the donkeys for me and I can still look out of my window and watch them munching away in their paddock. When I start to feel really fed up and miss the riding I just remind myself of all those younger people who will never get the chances I had to own so many beautiful horses throughout my lifetime.

You are very young, maybe take a few months off and give yourself time to grieve and resettle your life and then perhaps think it through again. Hell, you could give it a miss for 10 years and still be plenty young enough to come back to it again. Don't put yourself under pressure and see how your life pans out and make the decision in a carefully considered way and not a knee jerk reaction.

 

[acw295]

Thanks all. I feel utterly lost without the structure of it. I was on 5 day part livery as Mon-Fri I have a lot of commitments so wasn’t doing all the stable jobs but I’m already missing mucking out.

My lovely girl was full of issues latterly, EMS and annular ligaments plus arthritis (it was the annular ligament that finished her- she lost all flexion in her fetlock suddenly on long term bute). As a result I have a £3k vet bill on a credit card to clear and thanks to interest rates the mortage has gone up by a third. So the sad fact is I couldn’t afford her anymore, so there’s no money available to save yet for another. There will be eventually but I think I need 5+ years to get myself straight again. We have an old cottage that we are trying to renovate which comes higher up the list.

From a time point of view because we have no family help I don’t get much time to ride anyway, as my Molly had been almost completely retired since my daughter was born that didn’t matter. But if I had another horse I’d want to ride it, so even if I had a windfall next month I couldn’t get another yet. Once my daughter is old enough to be left in the house for an hour or two and doesn’t need paid childcare financially things will be better. She currently has no interest but she’s only 5 so we will see.

I know it’s right for my family to be horseless for now, my husband has never complained that we have been on our knees financially because of her for a while. But before she died we had agreed that a break was the best thing when she went. I absolutely hate it so far though and I hate the fact that money was a small part of letting her go now (she was running out of options so wouldn’t have managed the winter I’m sure though).

I miss her smell and her whickers. I can’t believe I ended her life so suddenly. Awful.

But there’s a really childish bit of me that is “if I can’t have my own I don’t want to ride” which is silly and I hope I get over it. It comes from all those years as a child of insane jealousy over people with their own. I feel weirdly inferior all of a sudden. Funny what grief does.

 

[vetsbestfriend]

I am in the same situation as you, I lost one of my horses 7.5 years ago after 16 years ownership and then my remaining TB at the end of January this year after 22 years. So I went from 2 or 3 yard visits a day to nothing, and I have struggled and am still struggling. It is the structure and routine that has gone, as well as the responsibility, love, mechanism of de-stressing when everything else in life gets tough. My TB too was costing me a lot of money to keep due to various supplements, extra feed, vet visits etc, but I would rather be in that situation again right now and still have him to focus on. His passing was unexpected, he had a sudden nuero type event/bleed.

I still get up early, I still fill the kettle ready for warm water to of soaked his breakfast, I still check the weather forecast umpteen times a day, I still get figgidity at the times I would have been going to the yard. I still think I can't go out for the day or on holiday as no one to of helped me with him. I miss him so much too, his soft nose, his wonderful hugs, his welcoming nicker.

Since losing him I have been going through some major health issues, and currently recovering from a big surgery 3 weeks ago. I am looking at probably another 6 months before I would be physically fit enough to cover day to day care of another horse.

Again I have friends that have offered for me to go to see their horses etc and hack out, but although this would give me a horsey fix, as you say it won't be the same as having your own.

Try and get through the next period of your life the best way you can, have some pony time with friends, and keep that thought in your head that one day you will have your own special friend again. x