I have not long turned 60, yep now getting on, but soooo thankful I am still here. Short story as I hate prattling on lol. I have a ASD ( Atrial Septal Defect hole in the heart )that was closed when I was 46. The hole was quite big 33mm after the hole was closed I had a large clot in my heart and from that I have ended up with A/F ( Atrial Fibrillation) / and P/H (pulmonary hypertension) I have been on warfarin and lots of other meds since then even though no meds before...... but they all keep me ticking along. .... Anyway My horse at the time was an eventer he had so much character, also forward going.... You know the horse, becomes a stunning dressage horse while out riding when your friends that you are riding with say" He is stunning! look how he moves! etc" Me replying, yep but look at my hands there is nothing lol horses head drawn in, him prancing around ..... But I knew him, I knew what his quirks was. I had him in my life for years. My cardio told me if I hadn't been riding for so long since I was 5 or had my horse as long as I had he would have told me not to ride. But ride I did it never for a moment worried me even when he was prancing, cantering on the spot out hacking lol..... so what did I do? I put a deposit on a 2 week old foal. I told my cardio he couldn't believe it as his wife is horsey. He told me as long as I have other people to do the first of everything with my foal to lesson the risk and always think about the risk as a kick. a fall I could bleed and die. ...... Well let me tell you I have spent thousands on my beautiful girl, because my boy had to be pts not long after my diagnosis so she is defiantly my last riding horse. I have 2 minis and all 3 are my last horses. Anyway, like I said I have spent thousands, since she first came I have all the firsts stuff done with her by other paid for ..... Just realised I haven't said I have been riding 55 years, had horses for 45 years, taken my BHSHM at 16. Rode horses that were very unpredictable and spent a lot of time with those horses gaining their trust in humans. So here I am now my foal is now just turned 9 years old. I have rode her a few times, she has never put a hoof wrong. I do everything with her on the ground. I adore her, she is my heart my dream horse. She has been backed professionally, she has brilliant manners and very intelligent she is always willing to learn, she is also gentle...... but my fears are like a very thick brick wall and I just can't seem to break it. I believe one life live it, life is so short. Dreams if can be lived should be....... But This bloomin brick wall won't knock down. Weird but I dream I am riding her, I can feel and smell her. Anyway if you can relate I hope you or I can help each other, or if you have gone through this block give me some tips.