Livery - People Issues

M

mickey

Well-Known Member
Joined
11 November 2005
Messages
5,169
Location
Kent
Visit site
Have you ever had the situation where people on your yard really get you down? I love my yard, get on with everyone else absolutely fine, but I seem to have problems with 2 of the girls (late teen/early twenties) who work there. They frequently make absolutely no conversation (no matter how much I try) even though I will be mucking out in the barn (etc) with them in there too. (Just the two of us as they work alternate days). They answer if I start to talk, but it is total silence if I don't initiate things. It is very arduous.

I have approached them about this and they always say there is no issue, except one of them admitted one thing last yr. This has been going on for a good 9 months. I have gone home in tears on more than one occasion. I just feel like an outcast. I REALLY don't want to move esp as I get on really well with the YO and family. But I think I have to come up with a timeline and if things haven't improved I have to start looking elsewhere.

I know it seems like I am pathetic, esp as I am 30, but I get very sensitive about things. My boyfriend and YO say just ignore it but I find the silence (or them talking to someone else and totally ignoring me) very uncomfortable. I have never in my life had such issues before. I feel like I must be a horrible person for this to be happening.

Anyone else had such problems?

I know that some of you will think I need to just harden up but I can't help how I feel. I spend all my money on my horse and it is really important that I enjoy him.
 
Hey

So sorry to hear your having issues with these girls. Unfortunately I, and no doubt others here, have had similar experiences and yes they can be uncomfortable and frustrating - is it just you they act like this with? Could they be jealous of your ned do you think?

Yard politics are common place these days sadly :(
 
Unfortunately you can't alter their behaviour, which though implicitly rude is only by ommission. It must be unpleasant, but if you get on well with YO try and stick out. Do not initiate convo with them, be as ignorant as they are, they may well decide they don't like it either and change their ways. There are always rude people and they may well move on. Good luck with it.
 
YO says they are like this with other 2 adult liveries there sometimes, but I feel she is just trying to appease me. I think possibly they could be resentful of the relationship I have with YO (we are friends really) and also that I do things like house-sit, look after YO's Mum's donkeys etc. I am almost part of the family whereas they work there.
I am the only livery that is in a space with them. (the other 2 adult liveries are down the bottom yard). I suppose if I were not with them a lot of the time it wouldn't bother me so much.
Good yards are scarce, and so I have let a load of time elapse whilst this has gone on. I just feel I must be a horrible person to be treated like this? I normally get on with pretty much everyone and have in my life.
I know I am too soft, but it upsets me.
Yards are a pain in the backside sometimes! (well, the people there not the animals).
Do you think I should carry on making an effort day in and day out to make conversation, or just not bother for a while?
 
Buy an ipod! Or get a radio and turn it on when you are there, silence is uncomfortable but it doesn't feel as bad if there is something else going on. It sounds like they are a bit odd, maybe shy or just rude who knows? Who cares? Stupid little kids let them use their stupid little games elsewhere. Good luck!
 
I'm sorry to hear about your situation but as you have confronted them and it didn't help, it sounds like typical childish politics that won't be easily overcome :o :(

Personally I would suggest getting an Ipod and ignoring them back :D :D :D
 
Could you not just move down to the bottom yard, out of the barn? If there is no space there at the moment, ask your YO to gom into the next available one.
To be honest, even if you move yards, there will always be some sort of back stabbing, bitchiness etc wherever you go. At the yard I am at everyone is lovely, but there are still falling outs there.
 
If they are teenagers, could it just be their age? We have a few teenagers on our yard and they honestly don't seem to see anyone over the age of 20. It can be uncomfortable but I've learned to just ignore them. Altough one pair did actually become quite friendly after 10 months! But otherwise, just get an iPod and remember that it can't be anything you've done, because you don't have any kind of relationship with them. :)
 
I do think you are taking this too personally.

Maybe they have nothing to say to you, they are paid to do the horses, not to entertain the clients after all. I agree with whoever suggested you get an iPod or turn on the radio.
 
the watcher said:
I do think you are taking this too personally.

Maybe they have nothing to say to you, they are paid to do the horses, not to entertain the clients after all. I agree with whoever suggested you get an iPod or turn on the radio.
Click to expand...

I'm afraid I agree - beyond saying good morning or good evening I have no interest in chatting with other people at the yard, I go there to get away from humans and be with my horse!

Maybe I've been stung one too many times by the cliquey, bitchy people at yards but I just don't want to deal with politics any more. I'll obviously answer if spoken to, smile and make polite conversation about the nice weather but I won't go out of my way to make idle conversation with other clients.

Sociopath, moi? :p
 
To be honest, I'm probably like them. I'm just the sort of person who doesn't care much for small talk. Especially at work, I'm the type of person who is happy to just get on with my job and not chat the whole time. The chatty people at work know I'm a listener rather than a talker so are more than happy to chat amongst themselves. If they want to talk to me about something or vice versa, then we can have a conversation, but if I have nothing to say to them/talk about with them then I don't see the point in making idle conversation.

I know that some people find silence uncomfortable, but I don't. I find it quite relaxing to just get on with my work in silence or listening to music.

I don't think the people at the stables are being rude, they are just different to you.
 
I agree with using your ipod or radio if you don't like the quiet. I will chat sometimes when mucking out but prefer just to get on with the task in hand. I certainly wouldn't be making the effort to talk to them if you don't get anything back.
It doesn't mean you are a bad person, i think you are just taking it a bit too personally.
Just say good morning or whatever and get on with your stuff.
If I were the YO though, i would be having a word to my staff and telling them to at least be polite and courteous to my clients. She probably won't want them chatting when they are supposed to be working anyway.

I don't think it is worth changing yards over, especally if you get on so well with everyone else. you are thinking too negatively, you should be thinking 'i get on with everyone but these 2 at the yard, i must be a good person'
 
Hi Mickey33,

Yes I have had people get me down at the yard. I too am very sensitive (I wish I wasn't, but that's me I'm afraid!). Sometimes it gets so bad I feel like selling my horse and giving up :( TBH these girls prob don't even realise they're getting to you. If you get on with most people, and importantly the YO, I would really try hard to focus on the positive and ignore them... We can't get on with everyone in this world can we? But it's really hard isn't it??? My horse is my escape, my bit of time for myself, and you just want everyone to be friendly don't you, but they're often not. And I think the horsey world is the bi*chiest, cattiest place TBH.

Get that iPod and ignore them :) and just have fun with your horse and talk to the people who are friendly and on your wavelength x
 
I would say try not to take it personally, they just don't want to talk but no reflection on you as a person. They're just younger and while some older people are used to making polite chit-chat they maybe just don't see the need, as things have changed when that used to be considered a courteous thing to do. But I know how such things can get you down when a yard is somewhere most of us go for our leisure and fun/happy time away from the other stresses in life.

I have almost the opposite problem, there's a few people on the yard I can't bear being around when they're up there at the moment and I'd be quite happy not to have any dealings with them. I've just come away from the yard having gone up intending to ride but my blood was starting to boil at something that was going on so the pony is resting in his stable off the grass and I'll return in an hour or so when they've departed for the afternoon and I can get some peace.

I'm sure there's some great yards where there's never any problems but in the majority, like in a workplace, you get a real mix of people on most yards who will never be all destined to get on. It's just finding a way to make the situation you find yourself in work. I wouldn't move yards because of the girls though.
 
To be honest I'm not a naturally chatty person either.
If i have something to say I'll say it, or if someone starts a conversation with me I'll talk to them. I suspect I come across a rude / aloof but I honestly don't have much to say and am happy to just get on with things.
Maybe these girls simply don't have anything to say to you / don't feel comfortable chatting to someone outside their age group.
Don't take it personally - they might not mean it intentionally.
 
I reckon if you find it that upsetting, it may not be a happy natural sort of silence. It can be very rude to "stonewall" people. I haven't met these girls so I cannot say whether their silence is "just quiet" or deliberately rude, using silence to exclude others.

If these people were other clients, fair enough, not everyone wants to chat while at the yard. That is fine. However, they are staff, and they are behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Making clients uncomfortable is not professional and they should adjust their behaviour.

So pop the ipod on, ignore them, and laugh at their poor customer service skills!

You don't have to be good and nice all the time either, by the way :-)
I am like you, I really really want to be nice. But you know what? At times, people really don't deserve it, and it is ok to get angry some times ;-)
 
Hiya,

I really feel for you, as I'm very sensitive about stuff like this too. I always think I've done sommit, and try too hard to be nice and be liked - so going onto a livery yard for the first time in my life six months a go was a HUGE culture shock. It seemed like all I was good for was gossip, and for "doing" other peeps horses. Yeah right. :mad: But a new yard has brought out my faith in human nature again.

In your situation, I think the best option is to use a radio, and sing very loudly, very badly. Ignore them and only speak when spoken to,other than "hi" ; give yourself the credit that you tried, you have done your bit, and let them just get on with it. I know it's hard. I cried many times, and am still sensitive, but just whack the radio on, and ****** them.

It will happen to them one day, and then maybe they will learn to grow up. You are much better than that !!! sm x ;)
 
Thank you everyone for your replies. Much appreciated.
I think the overwhelming vote is for ipods! I have 2 here so I think that is a good idea. I have a radio and frequently turn that on quite loud.
The YO has pretty much given up managing less than serious issues with them, and as I am a DIY I don't have much influence.
I guess I need to build myself a bit of a wall, one that is less sensitive. Like people have said, I have tried - I cannot MAKE people chat. It's not like I expect a great long conversation but a bit of an effort now and then would help.
The more I think about it, the more I think that this is perhaps due to the age difference and that a/I am not used to people acting like that because I deal normally with adults not teenagers and b/they don't have much to say to me. I'm sure they could make an effort - Speak about horses, after all that is a shared interest.
I think I'm gonna give up now. If they want to talk fine, and if they don't then I will TRY to build a wall.
Sorry to hear about people on here that have had similar uncomfortable experiences.
 
i agree that you may be taking it too personally. i am not chatty first thing in the morning and like to just get on with the mucking out etc. but i always say hello and bye to anyone on yard. i also dont like the radio blaring first thing either! and i can gety through the yard much quicker if not having to stop and talk. if everything else at the yard suits you( ie facilities, and care and supervision yes i know you are DIY but yard people should spot anything amis and alert you) i would try not to let it bother you.
 
sorry to hear that you aren't having a good time of it :( i really would try to ignore it though...its probably just because they are teenagers and don't want to make chit-chat with you- nothing against you but they probably think you are really old and have nothing in common with them (i know you aren't and you probably do but teenagers are a strange breed :rolleyes:) If you have confronted them in the past about whether they have a problem they probably are avoiding talking to you...again, its not YOUR fault, its THEIRS.... i guess what i'm trying to say is try not to let it ruin your time with your horse- just smile and say hello and then just get on with your own life and chat to the people on the yard who you DO get on with! :)
 
As they are younger than you they may find it difficult to communicate with the older, more mature (not in years) person. They may be influenced by your relationship with the YO and not want to get in trouble, perhaps they aren't allowed to chat incase they don't get all the work done. If they are jealous then its unjustified and its their problem, not yours.

I wouldn't worry, you are the adult, paying customer, they are just the yo's employees. I would just say hello when passing and then just enjoy what you are doing.
Certainly not worth leaving your yard for, doubt they will be there long, grooms often move on.
 
Ah chin up :)
I have recently moved to a big livery yard after being in my own space with my horses for a long time. I love the yard and the facilities but not the bitchy people - and there are some about! i tend to keep myself to myself and just say hi, bye etc and only chat when people approach me. I even go out my way to avoid certain people :( i know i shouldn't but they make me feel uncomfortable as has issues with them in the past when my horses where down the road :( i feel your pain! also i hate being watched and constantly feel like i am being judged as my TB is underweight - shes just a poor doer, but i see them looking :( she has been checked out by the vet and theres nothing wrong - shes just very sensitive.
 
Don't let them get to you! Meant in the nicest way- you need to harden up. You can't please everyone. Whether they're teenagers or old biddies- you've gone out of your way to be nice, they obviously can't be bothered to try and be courteous so b......s to them!

They're not friends, who gives a monkeys what they think!? Can't imagine they'll be at the yard forever- why should you sacrifice your happiness by moving?

Accept you're not going to bessie mates and crack on. Lifes too short!
 
I've worked on yards where it would have been frowned on to talk to clients - it was YO's job to shmooze the clients and the staff's job to work. You were expected to be polite and nothing more.
 
Go by what Farrier says get yourself an Ipod with earwhat's and ignore the loveies, that would really p*** them off, some people are just born ignorerant if they know they are upsetting you they will do it even more, remember they are employed to do a job, talking to you most probably doesn't come in their remit and your horse like my lot enjoy being chatted too while being mucked out, although a few swear words crop up now and then, but they don't seem to notice.:D:D:D:D
 
Don't let it spoil your time with your horse. Always easier said than done. Just focus on yourself, its their problem, they don't care, so why should you.
 
Ultimately, they are not responsible for how you let it affect you. You are paying to be there for your leisure time, they are being paid to work. I find it difficult to start conversations with people I don't know, so I don't bother. If they talk to me, I'll chat back but I don't instigate the conversation. If people think I'm rude, thats their problem, not mine. When I get to work, I'll say good morning and then sit down and get on with what I'm paid to do, and people know thats how I am. The woman who comes in and does nothing but chat all day gets up everybody's nose because she stops people from doing their work. Just because they're different from you does not mean they are ignorant.
 
Hi Gemin1eye
I guess I should look at it more from the viewpoint that they are working. I look at it too much from my own viewpoint I am sure. Prob is that they seem to find plenty of time to chat and mess about together when they are working. I try to not it affect me and I agree that it is my responsibility to deal with how I cope with things so as to manage my unhappiness.
I'm going to focus on the reason I am there in the first place - My handsome boy. And try very hard to put a wall up, but I think I should give up going out of my way to make pleasantries. B******s to it.
When other aspects of life are also getting you down it is more likely that you will be reactive and I do find it hard not to get hurt easily. It does seem like I am a lepper sometime though.
 
Yard politics are everywhere unfortunately, and each time I tend to move to a yard, I try finding out first how severe yard politics there are. As long as it doesn't go totally out of hand (as in... bunny boiler type stuff), you shouldn't get too upset about it.

I don't really tend to speak to too many people at yards either - just polite conversation, but I much prefer silence, really - I want to do my own thing, I am not really there to be 'social' but do something with my horse... much prefer that, you see. Thing is, though I do worry about the bunny boiler type of people (the ones who would go so far as throwing nasty things into your stable, feeding your horse with stuff the know they shouldn't have, mistreating your horse, etc.), I am actually far too busy to get too involved in 'simple' yard politics...

But then again, I never watch soap operas either... so probably lack the yearning for all that drama, lol. I say, do your own thing - get a riding instructor the others do not have, etc. If they don't want them to be part of their "clique", you should make yourself happy in your own personal little bubble!!! :o)

Chin Up!!!
 
Sorry hun but if these lasses are there to work then they have to work. I've been on a busy yard with paid staff and believe me most are overworked and underpaid! They have to get on and won't have time to shout back and forth to you over the rattle of the muck fork and so on. You need to walk a mile in their shoes I guess.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top