Livery yard bullying... where do I turn next?

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micra

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I've been to 4 different livery yards and the owners have been... crazy. Controlling to what i feed, when I ride. I need to say enough is enough now.. I just want to enjoy my horses.


Where I live has become so built up that there is no where else within an hour to keep them that doesn't involve 24/7 stabling that I know they wouldn't be happy with... do I just give up? Horses are my whole world but the bullying and stress has put me past breaking point... one part of me says suck it up, ignore YO but I really can't take it anymore. Any ideas? Thank you
 
Wow poor you! Where are all the YO's on these yards? If it's genuine bullying they are the ones who should be addressing it. From experience, the best way to tackle a bully is to confront 'it'! Be more assertive maybe? Is that an option? Otherwise it's another move sadly which you shouldn't have to make, especially if you're happy with the yard in all other respects.
 
micra said:
I've been to 4 different livery yards and the owners have been... crazy. Controlling to what i feed, when I ride. I need to say enough is enough now.. I just want to enjoy my horses.


Where I live has become so built up that there is no where else within an hour to keep them that doesn't involve 24/7 stabling that I know they wouldn't be happy with... do I just give up? Horses are my whole world but the bullying and stress has put me past breaking point... one part of me says suck it up, ignore YO but I really can't take it anymore. Any ideas? Thank you
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If this has happened on 4 different yards, you may want to consider that you are coming across as needing help. Unless you haven't given us the whole story, I think you may be overreacting a little bit, to say that you are being bullied. Maybe these yard owners are trying to help you.
 
OP, this doesn't sound like bullying to me. If all 4 YOers are doing this then maybe they are concerned you need guidance to care for your horses.
 
If all 4 YOs are saying the same thing about your management of your horse then it is likely that they are not all crazy.

If you really don't have a yard nearby that suits you and you definitely want to keep your horses then mo big yourself may be necessary.
 
Auslander said:
If this has happened on 4 different yards, you may want to consider that you are coming across as needing help. Unless you haven't given us the whole story, I think you may be overreacting a little bit, to say that you are being bullied. Maybe these yard owners are trying to help you.
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I would tend to agree with this.
 
Im really quiet and try to fit in with whatever everyone else is doing... but firstly it was control over riding my horse because they thought I was too big for him, second one didn't want me there as she wanted more full liveries in, third used to yell at me for only putting medium weights on but my horse is unclipped and bringing in too early... last time is making fun of my appearance and weight.. I try I really do but last week was my 15th birthday I spent it at the yard and someone had stolen my grooming kit and it upset me
 
What type of service have you diy or part etc??

Bullying is a bit strong to call them - concerned maybe.


One yard telling you what do do and what to feed is not unusual but 4!!!. Are there rules when you can ride etc? when you joined what are the terms of the livery.
 
I think people just like to make a stamp on their liveries, everyone thinks they know best re feed, saddle fitters, farriers, vet etc! it can be hard to deal with but maybe just listen to them and make your own decision!

everyone on my yard has been convinced to swap feed companies because the people running the yard are sponsored by the feed company! they also come out ever few months and weigh our horses and give advice! I have swapped my horses feed and im pretty happy with the results! but i also had no problems with what he was on before! but I take their advice on board :)
 
You're 15. Do you have a parent or instructor who is there to support you? Honestly (as an ex YO who has seen if not all then most of it) they may be trying to help as much as anything.
 
Try talking to your YO. No adult in their right mind WANTS to be the reason someone is upset and feeling bullied.

Perhaps take a big breath, and ask her if she would mind having a quiet conversation. Tell her you love your horses, and that being at the yard is something you want to look forward to, and that you are struggling. And ask for her HELP.

Keep the communication lines open, and accept opinions for what they are, just that. Opinions.

If someone has concerns that you are too big to ride your pony, get an unbiased opinion. I know plenty of tall people who ride tidlers.

But at some point you need to stop being the victim, and start being proactive. Dont allow it to get to this point, address the issue with the person who is causing angst. try to UNDERSTAND their perspective, and allow them to voice their views, and then, share yours. It doesnt need to be a blame game, just a transparent conversation.
 
You need the adults who are responsible for your care to step in now. Nobody should be bullying you but maybe they could be more helpful and offer friendly advice, and there are quite a few situations we don't see ourselves.
 
Excellent advice from JacksonBrown.

The thing about horse people, especially experienced ones as YOs tend to be, is that they are very opinionated. Like Kezzabell said, everyone thinks they know best. (I mean, have you read other threads on this forum? :D) You don't need to suck it up but you do need to learn how to handle it so you don't feel like cr@p. As a quiet 15 year old you may as well have a sign on your back inviting opinions from all and sundry. People are going to give their opinions whether you like it or not for the rest of your life. They're just opinions. You are not obliged to act on them. And horse people will come on strong. They're probably not picking on you, though it may feel that way. Don't be a victim.

Making fun of your looks and weight though? That bit is bullying. This is where you really need to pull up your grownup pants and stop being a victim. I know, easier said than done.

Bullies look for a soft target - and again, as a quiet 15 year old you may as well have a target on your back.

If you make it look like the bully's actions and words don't affect you, it ruins it for them. Try to let it all be water off a duck's back. The problem is them, not you. Most bullies just want to get a rise out of you so they feel like they have control. When you stop being a victim, each of the bully's attempts becomes embarrassing for them, not you. The less subtle and more aggressive they are, the easier they are to deal with.

If you can't continue to ignore, confronting them by pointing out that their behaviour is bullying is sometimes a good start. Avoid provoking them but, at the same time, question their motives and what purpose going after someone who has done them no wrong serves them. This shows that you're not afraid to call them out and, if necessary, put them on the defensive. Many bullies will back down at the first sign of resistance.
 
are there any farms near to you? maybe you could rent a field and stable or building off a farmer and be the only livery then you can do your own thing.
 
Poor soul. This is why I now have my own land & stables I'm afraid. Mind you I had to wait until I was in my fifties! Some yards can be horrendous. Even if the YO is brilliant the other liveries can be such a pain - nicking stuff, telling 'stories' and (in one case) beating my horse in its stable with a broom because he dared to give the person the 'evils' (this was an exceptionally intelligent horse who instinctively liked or disliked people and bless him he was right to give this particular person the evils). I would see if you can rent from a farmer or find a suitable a smallholding like Downton Dame recommended. The last place I kept my horse was a small farm and the couple who owned it looked after the horse like he was a member of their own family. I was very lucky indeed. I found that place by enquiring at the local riding club... Good luck x
 
Perhaps some of the advice is just nosy people sticking their oar in but making fun about your appearance IS bullying & not acceptable. Whether others perceive it as bullying or not is irrelevant. What IS relevant is the way they make you feel.

You absolutely must talk to the yard owner and/or your parent/guardian & tell them how you are feeling. You might need to be brave & have a 3 way conversation between the bullies, the YO & yourself but you will definitely feel better for it. The worst thing you can do is say nothing. The only reason bullies target people is because they think they can get away with it (& it affects adults too) make a plan & aim to get your happiness back. (I only wish you were on my yard as I have no qualms about standing up to people who get 'above their station'!)

If I were you I'd also concentrate on building your self esteem as this will help you avoid/deal with similar situations in the future. Best of luck & look forward to enjoying your horsey again ;)
 
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I would speak to your parents to explain how you feel. Unfortunately with being 15 some people will be looking to help you and make sure you're being educated and are doing right by your horse. That being said, providing you are not too big/ heavy for your horse, then commenting on your appearance and weight is out of order. Have a parent sit down with you and your YO and have a calm chat about how you would feel more comfortable.

FWIW I think you're lucky if you're on a yard where things don't go missing!! So I wouldn't take that too personally.
 
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