Loan dilemma after a couple of setbacks

She knows I make every effort to not bring my daughter to the yard much for the simple reason I don't get as much done and we are talking maybe an hour or so total a fortnight spread over a couple of visits, so maybe half an hour here, ten minutes there if being dropped off by mil. It's not like we both go and spend all day there. I think what irks the most is that it has been okay one day and not the next. Have sent a message to ponies owner explaining what's happened. Thanks for the support folks x
 
Also should add that daughter is extremely bright and her nursery think she has the vocabulary and sentence structure of a 4 year old so she likes to chat. Very rarely cries or screams but the questions because she is curious about everything can get tiring so I do understand that.
 
I would move pony closer to home to a child friendly yard so that you can both enjoy her and cut ties with "friend".
 
lrw0250 said:
Also should add that daughter is extremely bright and her nursery think she has the vocabulary and sentence structure of a 4 year old so she likes to chat. Very rarely cries or screams but the questions because she is curious about everything can get tiring so I do understand that.
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It sounds to me as if she is delightful and very rewarding to talk to but, then, I am a Nursery/Infant teacher. Children who attend nursery are often very forward because they are used to constant/frequent interaction with adults and to being the focus of attention. Unfortunately this is obviously what your Y/O cannot cope with.
I wonder if she seriously thinks that a small child can just be popped on top of a pony on the day of a show and entered into a lead-rein class, without any prior learning/practice.
I can't really see that your life will be any poorer without her, whatever you decide to do about the pony.
 
lrw0250 said:
Also should add that daughter is extremely bright and her nursery think she has the vocabulary and sentence structure of a 4 year old so she likes to chat. Very rarely cries or screams but the questions because she is curious about everything can get tiring so I do understand that.
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It sounds to me as if she is delightful and very rewarding to talk to but, then, I am a Nursery/Infant teacher. Children who attend nursery are often very forward because they are used to constant/frequent interaction with adults and to being the focus of attention. Unfortunately this is obviously what your Y/O cannot cope with.
I wonder if she seriously thinks that a small child can just be popped on top of a pony on the day of a show and entered into a lead-rein class, without any prior learning/practice.
I can't really see that your life will be any poorer without her, whatever you decide to do about the pony.
 
If she does not like children she should not have said to have the pony there if its going to be a childs pony. saying that I dont see why she should not remain your friend as its not"your" child she does not like its all chldren. as the yard is also her home she probably tried hard to accept your child but now with the talking and being old enough to be more mobile she is probably feeling trapped. I would find a child friendly yard where you can have help with the pony and child rather than one at the home of someone who does not want children around
 
I think you're friends reaction is shocking tbh. If she wants to stay friends with her firends with kids she will have to learn to tolerate children to a certain degree. For you to say she 'cannot stand' your daughter - it's an extreme, over the top reaction. Is this a very high maintenance/drama type of person? I would find another place for the pony - perhaps grass livery elsewhere - should be cheap for a tiny pony and consider dropping the 'friend'. She sounds really selfish.
 
Your friend sounds bizarre. It sounds like she thought she could cope with the child because you are friends but has realised she can't. It's silly that she can't learn to tolerate her, it's not like she could hate a small girl.
Your problem will be that it will be hard to find someone willing to care for your pony as much as she does - going up twice a week is nothing. Horses need to be checked and done twice a day. If you can find an arrangement as good as the one you have now (with a more child-friendly yard) then keep the pony. Otherwise I think you need to admit that you don't really have the time to care for her and send her back.
 
She is very high maintenance and dramatic. I have lost count of the number of friends she has lost for various reasons since I have known her. I know people have said we could remain friends but I don't think it would ever be the same knowing how she feels about my daughter so once the situation is sorted out for the pony I think I will be cutting ties. No drama as I hate confrontation, just no contact.
 
Agree I was on to a very good thing with our arrangement which has been in place over a year and I thought she was also happy with. If it was the issue I would rather she had said that than blame her dislike of kids. Had long chat with OH when he calmed down last night and have agreed that if owner is in agreement pony will go back to them as our lifestyle at the moment is not compatible with having a pony for our daughter. Gutted but realise that it is for the best for all of us. Will hopefully use the spare time and money to 1) join the gym and get myself in better shape and 2) do something fun with daughter every weekend.
 
That sounds like a much better idea.
If you can only visit pony twice a week then you really don't have time for one at the moment and it would take you ages to bring it on as a suitable ride for your daughter.
Maybe later you could find a share locally.
And ditch the "friend "!
 
In 1997 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I went round to my best friends, all full of joy, with bottle of non alcohol wine to tell her and celebrate...
Well it was a revelation, she said it would ruin our friendship, and I left after a stilled half hour..she never spoke to me again, and I found out she was very " anti child"
Friends like that are not worth the heartache, if she can't adapt and be pleasant then she is not a true friend. I understand you have a cost effective set up for you and your pony, but if matters don't improve if it was me I would move if I wanted to keep the pony, or send pony home till you can find somewhere more accepting of children.
I feel so sorry for your situation, and I do hope you can somehow sort it out...
 
In 1997 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, I went round to my best friends, all full of joy, with bottle of non alcohol wine to tell her and celebrate...
Well it was a revelation, she said it would ruin our friendship, and I left after a stilled half hour..she never spoke to me again, and I found out she was very " anti child"
Friends like that are not worth the heartache, if she can't adapt and be pleasant then she is not a true friend. I understand you have a cost effective set up for you and your pony, but if matters don't improve if it was me I would move if I wanted to keep the pony, or send pony home till you can find somewhere more accepting of children.
I feel so sorry for your situation, and I do hope you can somehow sort it out...
 
I absolutely think that your friend’s words about your daughter were unacceptable. I’m not a child-friendly person either, and would struggle with toddler overload, but I’d find a kinder way to tell a friend if I felt it was getting too much.

I’m not bashing you OP; I think you’ve had a deservedly sympathetic response on here because of the harsh words about your daughter. However, imagine this thread written from your friend’s point of view:

‘I allowed my friend to bring her loan pony to my private yard on a DIY basis. The problem is, she’s been coming to the yard less and less. Now she only comes twice a week to check on her pony, and leaves me to care for her the rest of the time. Of course, I feel obliged to look after friend’s pony when I do my own, but I’m feeling increasingly put-upon. I wasn’t expecting to provide a livery service and I’m certainly not charging for one.

The mare is a nervous rescue pony, on loan to my friend so that she receives regular handling, which she isn’t getting. I also feel guilty that her owners think she is in a good loan home learning a useful job when in fact she’s getting the bare minimum of care – and only that because I provide it.

When my friend does come, she often brings her lively toddler, who I find very demanding. I don’t have children and I’m not fond of them. I’d hoped I would feel differently towards my friend’s little girl, but in the circumstances she’s a disruption I could do without.

What should I do? Would I be unreasonable to tell my friend to clear off?’

I don’t know the ins and outs of your arrangement with your friend, so I might have been a bit unfair here, but actually I think there’s a chance both of you have been unreasonable.
 
Great post Steorra.

I'm not defending how she put what she said about your daughter but you need to put yourselves in each others shoes !
 
Thanks for the point of view steorra. I can see how it could look like that but she knew from the outset that 2-3 times a week would be the norm and was fine with that. It was like "get a pony, keep her here, it will be great" and I stupidly thought it would work. Pony is brought in groomed and does something every time I am on the yard, whether walking the drive in hand or playing in the school unless weather is rotten, which unfortunately is too often up here. I had no expectation of her to do any of that in my absence as it is not something she does for her other horses that are not ridden either. They are literally field ornaments who have a quick check over when field is poo picked. And obviously I would have liked to have done more but it was just not possible. Again my own naivety but if that was the problem why not say that instead of insulting my daughter? Still waiting to hear from owner and feeling very anxious - got that dread feeling in the pit of my stomach.
 
Fair enough lrw, if she knew this would be the arrangement from the outset. I hope you manage to find a solution that works for everyone. Of course, I totally agree that being rude about your daughter wasn't on.
 
Thanks. I would much rather her have said that the arrangement wasn't working if that was the case and I could have dealt with it rationally rather than using my daughter as an excuse to passively aggressively force me out. But knowing her it may well just be the child issue. Guess you can never tell what is going on in someone's head.
 
Just a little update on my situation. Went to speak to owner in person and they are happy for me to move her and would rather I did that than have to hand her back as they would just try putting her back out on loan to someone else. So that was a major weight off to start with.

So after making some enquiries, I am going to view a DIY small yard which is a 10 minute walk/5 minute cycle/2 minute drive from my house this weekend. They are currently full but have just had notice from someone and there will be a space available at the end of July. Adding my fuel costs to my currently livery price, it still works out that potential new yard will be slightly more expensive but hey-ho. YO sounded lovely on the phone and turns out we have mutual acquaintances. They also have 2 kids of their own so are child friendly!

Have been keeping distance from current YO and only socializing when necessary. The atmosphere is not great but I am keeping the peace for the moment until I can hopefully move on, which i plan to do with the minimum of fuss. My MIL actually made the point that maybe being around my wee one was making her regret her own life choices - divorced many years ago and largely single since, no kids, now going through the menopause. To be honest I think she is having a bit of a meltdown in general as has now put both her ridden horses, bought in the last year, up for sale as projects as she doesn't feel confident on either and doesn't have the patience to work through their issues. If she did not have to go out to work I could honestly see her becoming a hermit cat lady!
 
Puzzled as to how anyone imagines you can bring on a lead rein pony to be good at it's job without subjecting said pony to the company of small children.
I would be so bothered by the craziness of this that I would part company with "friend" and pony and look to finding a decent riding school if the child is interested.
 
My MIL actually made the point that maybe being around my wee one was making her regret her own life choices - divorced many years ago and largely single since, no kids, now going through the menopause.
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Or, more likely, she just really doesn't like kids. I can't stand it when people say things like that about childfree by choice people...
 
lrw0250 said:
Have been keeping distance from current YO and only socializing when necessary. The atmosphere is not great but I am keeping the peace for the moment until I can hopefully move on, which i plan to do with the minimum of fuss. My MIL actually made the point that maybe being around my wee one was making her regret her own life choices - divorced many years ago and largely single since, no kids, now going through the menopause. To be honest I think she is having a bit of a meltdown in general as has now put both her ridden horses, bought in the last year, up for sale as projects as she doesn't feel confident on either and doesn't have the patience to work through their issues. If she did not have to go out to work I could honestly see her becoming a hermit cat lady!
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Thats quite an unfair thing to say. I'm glad you are making alternative plans but this is a friend who offered you help, daily assistance with jobs and a place for your pony. She probably thought she could cope with your child on top of dealing with your pony daily however its not worked out. I would hope you'd leave there on good terms, its her place, she is allowed to change her mind and feelings it doesnt make her a bitter resentful person
 
Your mil has said what I was going to say! That perhaps there's some other psychological/emotional or physical reason for her reacting to you in this way. The menopause does the oddest things to people!
Hopefully this new yard will suit you better, but I have to say that I wouldn't unfriend Her.
I think that when you leave, hand her a letter that you've written explaining exactly why you're leaving but also that rather than being angry with what she said (you've had time to calm down now) but that you're sorry for her situation and that should she find the strength to apologise your friendship could continue.
She might secretly be suffering and she's absent mindedly taken it out on you.
 
Nativelover said:
Your mil has said what I was going to say! That perhaps there's some other psychological/emotional or physical reason for her reacting to you in this way. The menopause does the oddest things to people!
Hopefully this new yard will suit you better, but I have to say that I wouldn't unfriend Her.
I think that when you leave, hand her a letter that you've written explaining exactly why you're leaving but also that rather than being angry with what she said (you've had time to calm down now) but that you're sorry for her situation and that should she find the strength to apologise your friendship could continue.
She might secretly be suffering and she's absent mindedly taken it out on you.
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I strongly disagree as childless by choice and of menopause age, being around people's toddlers just reinforces how glad I am to have made the decision not to have children.
 
To be honest it is going to be near impossible to realistically keep the friendship going when she won't visit my house when my daughter is there and I can't visit her if I have my daughter with me. Yes she has been very kind in all she has done for me and I am not going to fall out with her but I will not go out of my way to make an effort to keep in touch when she has made it clear how she feels towards my daughter.
 
Hi just read this thread now. I suggest you could find another share pony nearer you that's more experienced and you could pay a small contribution towards the share.
I am not a kid person but if I was firm friends with somebody and they had a kid, I wouldn't think twice about inviting them into my house. I would not expect a 2 year old to be able to know when to speak in a conversation either.
 
For someone to say to a mum "I cannot stand your child" I think is simply horrible. She could have been much more tactful and I would have been really upset too. Ditch this friend..there will be much more suitable and child friendly places where you cankeep your pony.
 
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