Losing a first pony

[PalOfThePonies]

Last week I had to say goodbye to my first pony, I’d only had him four months. ?

(Apologies, please skip ahead to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read the story.)
Unfortunately he was colicking, suffering with strangulation of the small intestine. Despite his clinical signs being very mild, only flank watching, no appetite and slightly high heart rate, I could tell he wasn’t right so called the vet after getting him in from the field. After she had been and administered drugs I waited around to watch for improvements. He then started refluxing stomach acid through his nose so immediately called the vets again who referred him into a practice. Thankfully, the lovely ladies on the yard took him for me and he was immediately taken in to assess. The vets informed me that his lactate levels in his blood were about 8 (they should be between 0-2), and he had probably been colicing for some time, maybe several days. Chances of surgery working were very very slim and even if the surgery worked he would have to have his stomach pumped for several days to weeks afterwards. I made the very difficult decision to let him go and end his pain.

I am heartbroken, for so many reasons: the fact I only got such a short time with him, that he is truly gone, that I will never find another like him. He wasn’t what I was looking for - a skinny bay horse that was quite unremarkable but he was perfect, genuinely the nicest horse who never did anything wrong and always tried his best. He’d been abandoned at a livery yard by his last owner and came to me out of work and in pretty poor condition. We were finally starting to get somewhere and I’d dreamed of so many plans for us that will now never happen, he was meant to be a forever horse. I know I made the right decision at the time, but I feel terrible that he could have been hurting for several days and if something had been done earlier he may still be with us. He never showed any signs of colic in the days before, a good appetite, begging for treats. There were no signs of him thrashing or biting his stomach and I wished he had been a little less brave so I could have helped him.

It’s only been a few days and I feel so much grief, I’m very lucky to have not experienced much loss in my life, so this kind of pain is very new. However I can’t stop thinking about getting another, now I could never replace him, he was one of a kind, but I feel so much emptiness. Being able to go to the yard twice a day was a great stress reliever and I’m not sure how I will cope without it. I feel guilty for thinking of wanting another pony so soon and conflicted in wanting to go to the yard to be surrounded by people who understand me but not wanting to be reminded that he’s no longer waiting for me there.

I am going to continue paying for my stable for now and I think just wait until all the insurance/finances are sorted and then tentatively start looking, with the view that it will take at least a couple of months to find the right one.

I apologise for the long ramble-y post, I just needed to voice my feelings and I know this is a safe space to do so.

 

[meleeka]

Sorry you’ve been through this. I hope it helps that many of us here have been through the same thing. It’s a shame that this big downside of ownership has come so soon for you and that you didn’t get longer with him. It’s absolutely not wrong to get another. Think of it not as replacing him (that would be impossible), but getting another to help fill the void he’s left. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind at all.

I always think colic is one of the better ways to go. It’s usually quite quick and there’s not much deciding to do. The decision is pretty much made for us.

Take time to grieve and lean on those closest to you.

 

[View]

I don’t want to read and run.

<<<Hugs>>>

You mad the right decision, and it shows your love for him that you did - but by heck it hurts so much.

Don’t beat yourself up that you “missed” the signs or that if you’d called the vet sooner he might still be here. You didn’t miss them, there were no signs - you acted as soon as you knew he wasn’t right.

Please be kind to yourself; allow yourself to grieve for the loss of a loved one.

 

[pinkfluffy]

I'm very sorry for your loss, I lost my mare to a bad colic and it's never easy. It may have been four months, but I'm sure you gave him the best months of his life and that he was loved, which is the most important thing. It's okay to feel overwhelmed with grief and normal to feel that emptiness. I lost my beloved cat on the 9th Jan and was checking re-homing sites sooner than I'd thought. It makes you feel guilty but its just a sign of how much you loved them, and how much they brought to your life that you want it to continue, even with another animal. Think of it as a legacy.
Thinking of you and sending hugs

 

[ycbm]

We're certainly a safe space. It hurts like he'll, doesn't it? I can still cry nearly 40 years later about the first horse I lost.

It will hurt less in time, promise. And you will find another to love, it will just be different, not a replacement.
.

 

[Trouper]

I am so sorry for you. It is the most brutal way to lose a beloved pony. Please don't berate yourself for not noticing anything sooner - the vets say he "may" have been colicking for several days: they may be right, they may be wrong but from what you say about his behaviour and appetite it must have been very low-grade and very few of us would have identified that.

We all understand your grief and, sadly, it is a process that just has to be worked through. Please console yourself with what you did for him - took him away from an unsatisfactory situation and gave him a good life for his last few months. As I frequently say, they sometimes come to us for a reason and he must have been very happy with you.

Do look for another one when you are ready. No - it won't be the same but different is sometimes just as good. So many horses are in need of good owners like you so there is one out there - waiting.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I am so sorry that you have had such a horrible experience. You did what every good owner would have done and made your decision in the best interests of your pony. You did exactly the right thing in following your gut and getting the vet as soon as he let you know there was a problem.
They do leave a big hole, keeping horses is a lifestyle, not just a hobby and we arrange our lives around them. You have *nothing* to feel guilty about in considering getting another pony. In fact you are exactly the kind of person who should have another, someone who listens to the pony and acts in his best interests. I have found in the past that looking for another horse helps me to focus on something other than the loss.

 

[Peglo]

So sorry for your sudden loss. You’ve already showed yourself to be a wonderful owner by not putting your lovely boy through more pain and agony in the hope you might save him. That would’ve been the easy option but unlikely to be the right one.

as for wanting another horse, do not feel guilty. I lost my beloved cat and I got 2 feral kittens quite soon after as a distraction and something to occupy my time.
If searching for another horse will help you with your grief, do it! There is not right or wrong way to grieve those we’ve lost so do what’s right for you.

And look after yourself. x

 

[southerncomfort]

I'm so very sorry. Life can seem incredibly cruel sometimes and I'm sad that you and your pony didn't have longer together.

X

 

[Baywonder]

I am so sorry ?

You really couldn't have done any more - you called the vet as soon as you knew something was wrong. Colic is dreadful, and making the decision to PTS instead of surgery was the right decision for your pony.

I've been in the same situation. It does get easier with time, and your pony will always hold a special place in your heart. Please don't feel guilty about looking for another. As others have said, horses are a lifestyle not just a hobby, and when they are no longer with us, there is a huge void that needs filling again.

Please be kind to yourself, and remember we are always here to listen and offer support if you need it.

< <hugs>>

 

[Barton Bounty]

Last week I had to say goodbye to my first pony, I’d only had him four months. ?

(Apologies, please skip ahead to the next paragraph if you don’t want to read the story.)
Unfortunately he was colicking, suffering with strangulation of the small intestine. Despite his clinical signs being very mild, only flank watching, no appetite and slightly high heart rate, I could tell he wasn’t right so called the vet after getting him in from the field. After she had been and administered drugs I waited around to watch for improvements. He then started refluxing stomach acid through his nose so immediately called the vets again who referred him into a practice. Thankfully, the lovely ladies on the yard took him for me and he was immediately taken in to assess. The vets informed me that his lactate levels in his blood were about 8 (they should be between 0-2), and he had probably been colicing for some time, maybe several days. Chances of surgery working were very very slim and even if the surgery worked he would have to have his stomach pumped for several days to weeks afterwards. I made the very difficult decision to let him go and end his pain.

I am heartbroken, for so many reasons: the fact I only got such a short time with him, that he is truly gone, that I will never find another like him. He wasn’t what I was looking for - a skinny bay horse that was quite unremarkable but he was perfect, genuinely the nicest horse who never did anything wrong and always tried his best. He’d been abandoned at a livery yard by his last owner and came to me out of work and in pretty poor condition. We were finally starting to get somewhere and I’d dreamed of so many plans for us that will now never happen, he was meant to be a forever horse. I know I made the right decision at the time, but I feel terrible that he could have been hurting for several days and if something had been done earlier he may still be with us. He never showed any signs of colic in the days before, a good appetite, begging for treats. There were no signs of him thrashing or biting his stomach and I wished he had been a little less brave so I could have helped him.

It’s only been a few days and I feel so much grief, I’m very lucky to have not experienced much loss in my life, so this kind of pain is very new. However I can’t stop thinking about getting another, now I could never replace him, he was one of a kind, but I feel so much emptiness. Being able to go to the yard twice a day was a great stress reliever and I’m not sure how I will cope without it. I feel guilty for thinking of wanting another pony so soon and conflicted in wanting to go to the yard to be surrounded by people who understand me but not wanting to be reminded that he’s no longer waiting for me there.

I am going to continue paying for my stable for now and I think just wait until all the insurance/finances are sorted and then tentatively start looking, with the view that it will take at least a couple of months to find the right one.

I apologise for the long ramble-y post, I just needed to voice my feelings and I know this is a safe space to do so.

Better to share your feelings than keep them bottled up. Colic is just the worst , Im so sorry you lost your pony. I, like you, lost one after 8 months of owning after he was kicked in the field. It almost feels like they are snatched away. Give yourself some time to digest the grief and if get another is what you want to do then do so. I think I would have to get another, it never means they will take their place but to help with my mental stability of the massive loss of a horse, your routine etc I would probably throw myself back into it and let the new horse try to go some way in healing my grief the way I see it is, BB helped me massively with the death of my father, I dont know what Id have done if I didnt have him. You do what you feel is right … hugs

 

[vmac66]

So sorry you lost him, the pain of loss is overwhelming, it does get easier . Don't feel guilty about looking for another horse, it gives you something else to focus on. I lost my gelding on a Thursday nearly 6 years ago. My mare arrived 2 days later after I'd found her through a freind. She helped me through a bad time.

 

[Ratface]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely pony.
In my opinion, you did exactly the right things for him: observed signs of his discomfort, called the vet, took advice and allowed their professional recommendations to be carried out.
As the late Queen Elizabeth 11 once said, "Grief is the price we pay for love".
I'm glad that you are keeping your stable on. When my beloved old pony colicked and had to be euthanized, I went down to his yard and mucked out his stable, poo-picked his field, collected all his stuff. Chatted to the other liveries, their horses and ponies and the Yard Owner. Cancelled the livery standing order.
I rescued another equine wreck two weeks later. He's still going strong.
Much love.

 

[SO1]

So sorry for your loss. I had to have my pony PTS on advice from vet due to a gastric impaction. It was not quite the same situation as it was more complicated and not in such an emergency situation so I had a few days to say goodbye.

I had had my pony for 15 years. My vet sent me a lovely card saying I should be proud that I did everything I could to save Homey. You did everything you could to save your pony. He like mine had a terminal illness and there was nothing more that could be done.

What gave me a bit of comfort was that the insurance confirmed that he was PTS under BEVA guidelines so there was no doubt it was the best thing for him and that it would have been cruel to keep him going even though he looked so healthy and well at the time.

I lost my pony on 29 July and since then I have been riding at Riding School but now starting to look for another. Like you my pony was a great comfort to me during difficult times.

 

[honetpot]

I think losing something you think you have a future with, that you can plan is somehow harder than losing perhaps something you have for as long as you can remember, my last one was twenty seven years, as most of your plans however they ended, have been completed. I lost a mare in foal, apart from the financial hit, I had bought her at two with the idea to breed from, had her backed, shown her and then when I put her to the dream stallion, kerput, end of dream. My only advice is give yourself time to get over it, and make another dream, no matter how small, and do it. Looking back constantly doesn't change things, you are only replaying failure. Check to see if there is anything you could have done better, not as a stick to beat your self with, but to learn, remember the good and positive bits and move on.

 

[Kunoichi73]

Really sorry for your loss. From what you've said, you did the best you could for your pony and made the last few months of his life the best he'd had. You should feel proud of that.

 

[SO1]

Also applies to buying horses and might be helpful

 

[Nari]

I'm so sorry.

You did everything right, but I know that at the moment that won't help you feel better. It may help if you realise that in the short time he was with you he was well looked after and loved, he went out knowing he mattered to you xx

 

[2 Dragons]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You did everything you could. Your boy left the world knowing he was loved and cared for. The loss will always be with you but it is true that time is a healer and things will get easier.

 

[Snow Falcon]

So sorry for your loss. Sadly I had my homebred mare PTS last May as a result of colics caused by delayed gastric emptying which meant she got impactions. Your pony sounded like he had the best few months of his life being bought to health by you, knowing that he was in a good place. It's never easy saying goodbye but you did the right thing to prevent further suffering.

 

[Loveponies]

So so sorry for your loss. Colic is so cruel, random and takes them quickly.
You gave him love and care and did what was best for him. Time does heal I lost my first pony to colic but I was more fortunate in that we had had a very long time together.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting another quickly but I suggest take your time and the right one will find you. Perhaps you could volunteer at an local RDA or rescue centre in the meantime to help fill the time you would have spent with him.
Best of luck

 

[SEL]

Colic is brutal - I'm so sorry.

This is most definitely a safe space to share how you're feeling. FB keeps popping up memory posts of my beautiful gelding who I had to PTS last Sept. Hold on to the good memories - your horse was loved and we understand your pain at saying goodbye xx

 

[Alwaysmoretoknow]

I'm so very sorry that you lost your obviously so well loved and well cared for ponio. But if he's looking down I think he'd say 'go on and rescue another and give them the same lovely home you gave me'.

 

[Merrymoles]

I have lost two to colic and it is, as SEL says, brutal. Horses' insides are so badly designed.

I lost my boy in November 2021, had a mare on loan for a very short time and last summer got a new boy who is about as different from the one I lost as is possible. I think in some ways the difference has helped as there is no possibility I could ever compare them. However, he is wont to throw himself dramatically on to the ground for a roll as soon as I turn out and my heart is still in my mouth when he does it as colic is the first thing in my mind.

I agree with alwaysmoretoknow that the horse you lost would want you to give another one a chance to have his great life when the time is right. Our hearts expand to keep all those we love.

 

[Catbird]

So sorry to hear this. Sadly I can empathise. I lost my horse in July last year and there was only 7 hours between noticing something wrong and him being pts. It was out of the blue and completely heartbreaking and I've never experienced grief like it.
Only advice is try not to drive yourself mad with the what ifs and do let yourself grieve as much as you need to.
Sending hugs

 

[eahotson]

Like everyone else I think you sound a good and caring owner.You were just very unlucky.Get another one as soon as you feel able but make sure it is the right one.Look on it as a tribute to your old horse.He made you so happy that you feel you need another one.

 

[Fransurrey]

That's rotten luck, OP. Sorry you had to go through that. You must feel very cheated.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to look - it's a lifestyle that you've lost, just don't actively look, yet. Perhaps one will find you through word of mouth. Otherwise in a few weeks you'll be thinking more objectively about a new horse. Meanwhile is there anyone at your yard short on time that could do with a hand exercising or chores? It probably won't completely scratch the itch, but it will keep your head in the game.