Losing Confidence for No 'Good' Reason

[SaddlePsych'D]

Is this a thing?!

I gave up my share in February. I kept it going for six months and in that time I had times of things going quite well and my confidence going up. It was a first share for me so all new experience outside of the RS environment. We were doing bits of hacking with a companion and solo, and having lessons in the school. Unfortunately things didn't click 100% and the niggles in the back of my mind got bigger when I had a few negative experiences with him. I don't want to be unfair to the horse I was sharing but ultimately I could see a negative cycle emerging and did not think it was good for me or him to push through. I think it was the right choice but...

... still a few months later I'm struggling with my confidence, and much as I try it's hard not to get frustrated about this when nothing properly bad happened (I did fall but wasn't seriously hurt just bruised). I've been keeping my RS lessons going roughly every week and have been able to ride out with a friend on one of their horses, who really is a lovely boy who does not put a hoof wrong (his usual rider is a nervous rider too and she says he looks after her). It's been going quite well but again today hacking 'the fear' really came for me. I hate it because I've been reassured and have no reason to believe this horse is going to shoot off or be silly in any way - and I know that he doesn't need me transferring my negative vibes to him! He's such a good boy and I managed to work through a wave of nerves today which I am sure wouldn't have happened if he wasn't. A big positive step, it's just I wish I could just get on and enjoy my ride without this nonsense coming up for no good reason!

Not sure what I'm asking really, just...can anyone relate? Is there hope for me?!

 

[black and brown]

Have you let your friend know when you are feeling nervous on a hack? If they know then they may be able to distract you by talking about something completely different. It's surprising how quickly nerves disappear when you concentrate on something else.

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I have done and sometimes ask what I should do - she gives me reminders which helps. I tried not to show it too much today though because I just find it so embarrassing and feel like I should be over it by now! Also I don't want to worry her and make her ride less enjoyable because of me be nervous over nothing. I do need to try to get out of my head - my riding instructor says she knows when I am doing better because I talk more (to the horse, to her, to myself!)

 

[mavandkaz]

Yes I have been there. I am a fairly nervous rider and have gone through stages where my confidence just keeps dropping even though nothing has happened. It gets stuck in my mind and imagine all these bad things happening. I did get to a point where I was too scared to get on my own horse.
Luckily it's fairly horse dependent. I found a horse who is a dude to hack (I'm alright in the confines of a school, but hacking freaks me out) and over time my confidence grew and grew. Then he started getting a bit spooky and my confidence nose dives (vet checks showed he was reacting to pain) current little coblet has done wonders for my confidence and I thought I was 'over' my issues, but when I get back on my old boy I still have the odd wobble, even though he is back to being foot perfect.
I would suggest not to keep it to yourself. Tell your hacking partner your worried. That way they can talk you through what they can see and remind of things you already know but forget in the moment. E.g I would get worried if my boy did his giraffe impression and my friend could talk to me and remind me to ask him to soften, get him to listen to me etc. And she would chat to me to distract me.

 

[Renvers]

I think you are being hard on yourself and shouldn't dismiss the impact a fall can have on confidence. From experience I can tell you confidence is a fickle thing and its like a muscle, you have to work on keeping it strong.

Don't keep this to yourself, being anxious is ok and your friend can help you on hacks, if nothing else tell you to breathe or smile. Both can really help in the moment!

Have you considered talking to a confidence coach or looked at confidence hypnotherapy? Both might helpt

 

[Rumtytum]

You did it and got through the wave of nerves, well done you!
I’m not, and never will be, a natural horsewoman. Although I’ve ridden a lot of horses at my RS, and some of them many times, I always come back to ‘mine’. He was the rock who gave me back my oh-so-nearly lost confidence after a torrid three months riding a private and nervy TB (unsurprisingly it ended badly).
It took a LONG time, a lot of riding ‘my’ horse, being with him, learning to know, understand and trust him. He trusts me too.
Your friend’s horse sounds a lovely boy, I think you have the beginnings of a wonderful relationship and with time and repetition, just normalising everything alongside your RS lessons, you will be in a much better place.

 

[throwawayaccount]

you're not alone, and you will get through this

I had a break from riding for about 2 years until I got my new mare (who then spent the majority of our first year together on boxrest). when it came to riding, I felt sick and my legs were like jelly. 2 years prior I was flying around 90 courses, riding tackless etc.. but the thought of getting on a horse now actually reduced me to tears on several occasions. I tried lessons, but they weren't beneficial riding wise as not one of them involved getting on my mare and cracking my confidence. it was actually the help of this forum and a kick up my own backside that got me on my mare and riding through everything. I mean, admittedly we are still only in the walking phase and will be for a few weeks longer for her rehab, but I think i'll probably be frightened to trot or canter- but we'll see!!

definitely voice your nerves, sometimes addressing them can help and the other person can put you at ease a bit more.

good luck x

 

[TheOldTrout]

Is anything else going on in your life? A few months ago I had a total meltdown when about to get on my mare (who was standing like a rock, doing nothing wrong) and ended up asking someone to hold her for me. I was fine once on and couldn't say what was scaring me so much about getting on. It took me weeks to realise that this happened just after an outbreak of Covid at the care home I work at and the meltdown was probably a reflection of the stress of working through the outbreak. Just wondered if something similar could be happening with you.

 

[numptynovice]

I had a lot of confidence issues after an accident out hacking a few years back. However my anxiety in riding very much stemmed from terrible anxiety in general life and was related to my mental health deteriorating. I’ve found once I addressed the general anxiety I am now much more confident and relaxed in the saddle. If you’re anxious outside of riding this might be worth looking at.

Other than that, I find not over facing myself works well and reminding myself I don’t have to do anything I’m not comfortable with. So if I’m riding a horse in a lesson that I haven’t ridden before, I say to the instructor that I’ll only canter if I’m feel ok to do so. Invariably, when it comes to it I am ok to canter, but I do find that telling myself I only have to do something if I want to helps the nerves.
I also always tell my instructor when I’m feeling anxious - and just by telling her about it I almost immediately start to feel better.

I do ride at a very lovely school where the instructors are very sympathetic and great at building confidence.

 

[Canterbury Cait]

Hi SPD...I wanted to reply because I always read your posts with interest - I think we’re at a pretty similar point in our horsey lives and your posts often resonate with me. One thing that always strikes me is that you seem to have a very open and positive attitude to riding and learning - that makes me think that you will get through this confidence blip and use it as valuable experience.
I’m just coming out of the other side of a very anxious phase (having become an owner for the first time and realising how very different that is)...it sounds like you are already doing all of the things that helped me through, namely good instructors, understanding hacking companions and a sensible horse. One of the best pieces of advice I received was to take things so slowly that you are actually itching to take the next step - that way it becomes exciting rather than nerve wracking.
Good luck, and stay psyched I look forward to reading more about your adventures x

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

Thank you all for the lovely replies - I will try not to keep it to myself. My friend doesn't get nervous about the same things I do (not even on her radar to get nervous of them) but does get severe competition nerves. Now I think of it the last time she went to a competition I went with and subtly tried to help by distracting her. She did say at the end of the day me being around had helped so I guess it can work the other way around!

The general life stuff/anxiety is interesting and probably valid for me. My job is full on and involves study so switching off can be difficult - when the riding is going well it really helps with this and it's the best feeling! Obviously there's all the Covid stuff of the last year and I had a particularly difficult time when my dad died a few days into the first lockdown. Generally I'm a lot better now but there are the odd days where it's tough again. I'd not really connected this but suppose it makes sense if my general level of resilience is down that it would have an impact.

@numptynovice I think you make a good point about making your own decisions about what you do/don't do - one of the issues with share horse was being pushed into a situation I really did not want to be in. Nothing bad came of it but the feeling was awful as I had no control (or allowed myself to believe I didn't have any control anyway). The cantering thing is interesting too, last lesson I declined to do this instead of push through and it was kind of empowering. Hopefully next time I will feel up for it but even if not I'll likely feel better knowing that 'no thanks' is okay too!

@Canterbury Cait the taking things slowly bit is a good one, I didn't ride for about two months after stopping my share and by the time the riding school opened again I was very ready to be back!

 

[Zuzan]

It's really important to be aware that we have been through a worldwide crisis and we shouldn't underestimate the impact it has on us or those around us. Be kind to yourself.. it kind of sounds like you are pressurising yourself a bit regarding the riding.

The other thing that I know impacts how confident I feel is my own phyiscal fitness ... being fit really really makes a huge difference to how I feel in the saddle .. well actually anywhere !!

Is it worth keeping a diary of your riding and when it goes right for you .. what were you thinking about etc or not thinking about for that matter.. it's very easy to let negative / painful thoughts cause a negative feedback cycle.

Have you tried visualisation excercises pre riding as this can really help you find a zone where your focus is positive and "soft" . when you try too hard it's very easy to focus too hard .. like mental tunnel vision... which causes a lot of physical tension and hence instability in the saddle.

 

[numptynovice]

.....

The general life stuff/anxiety is interesting and probably valid for me.... Obviously there's all the Covid stuff of the last year and I had a particularly difficult time when my dad died a few days into the first lockdown. Generally I'm a lot better now but there are the odd days where it's tough again. I'd not really connected this but suppose it makes sense if my general level of resilience is down that it would have an impact.

I’m so so sorry to hear about your dad. I really wouldn’t underestimate the impact this may have had. My period of terrible anxiety/depression developed after the sudden death of an old friend in a violent and unexplained manner and this impacted severely on riding confidence.

be very kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself, it’s ok to just walk if that’s what you want to do! I do lessons on things like leg yield in walk when not feeling brave and it all benefits my riding

 

[Cloball]

Just to echo what everyone else has said. I have fragile confidence too it takes time to trust a new horse sometimes and learn their responses to things. Some horses you can get on and feel instantly confident. Weirdly I feel less confident if I haven't had a fall in a while or nothing bad had happened, it's like my brain is preparing for what 'might' happened and all possible eventualities. Some times I have a little tumble and feel much better ?. As it is often not that bad.
I adore hacking but I seem to be at a point in my life, unlike my teenage years, where it does seem more rational to be anxious about than the safety of the school. Endless articles and traffic accidents certainly do not help.

General life anxiety also does get in the way. I went on a riding holiday of a life time last year and was so anxious the whole time as I hadn't really processed a lot of life anxiety. I finally plucked up the courage to ask for a different horse. On the last day? and felt so much better. No one else noticed I was anxious and all seemed super surprised even though I thought I had been honest. I think it's worth being blunt or having a special 'word’ to say that your friend knows means I am really not ok right now.

There is no shame in it and it always does pass for me. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself for not being confident to do the things I did in my relative youth. But when I am honest with myself I have always had these periods of anxiety, cried in bathrooms, got off to hyperventilate etc. For as long as I can remember. Yet I did all those cool things too. You will get there ?

 

[Trouper]

Goodness SPD - I was reading your third post quite quickly and nearly missed the bit where you say you lost your Dad last year. That is a huge thing to happen and the ripples from that could cause all kinds of mayhem down the line so being nervous riding is perfectly understandable.
Please just give yourself permission to feel a bit out of things from time to time and take things slowly as @Canterbury Cait says. Each ride is not a test but the opportunity to put another brick in that confidence wall.

 

[canteron]

Lots of good advice here.

I was glancing through a confidence video the other day, and the instructor said that get someone to ask you what colour your socks are, or what you had for supper last night, when you get nervous. It takes up enough of your brain so that you can't focus on your nerves and apparently breaks the cycle!!

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I’m so so sorry to hear about your dad. I really wouldn’t underestimate the impact this may have had. My period of terrible anxiety/depression developed after the sudden death of an old friend in a violent and unexplained manner and this impacted severely on riding confidence.

be very kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself, it’s ok to just walk if that’s what you want to do! I do lessons on things like leg yield in walk when not feeling brave and it all benefits my riding

Thank you and I am sorry to hear about your friend as well.

All these replies are so helpful. I will make sure I keep returning to this thread to remind myself of them when I am having a wobble. I've just been given a new notebook and decided this will be my one to write down various riding bits including some of the things suggested here so I don't forget to try them!

I was hard on myself yesterday, as I often can be. We ended up doing a small group hack as came across a couple of other local riders out and about. One of my negative experiences had been around riding out in a group so it kind of made sense my brain went straight to visualising problems. I've only ridden this horse a couple of times before and just out with my friend and her other horse, so it was a new experience. My friend gave me some pointers and feeling the horse respond really helped build up the trust in him. I'm not sure when our next ride will be but I am sure now it will be even better

 

[Rumtytum]

I’m a fully paid up member of the Hard on Myself club ?.
I really feel getting to know and trust your hacking boy is going to help you so much. He sounds lovely.
Looking forward to more updates!

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I’m a fully paid up member of the Hard on Myself club ?.
I really feel getting to know and trust your hacking boy is going to help you so much. He sounds lovely.
Looking forward to more updates!

He really is lovely, I am so lucky to be offered to ride him. It's not a formal share but that works quite well for me to be honest with work getting more and more busy. Even when we're getting ready to go he just stands so patiently while I faff about with tack and boots and hats etc, and just that puts me at ease right from the start.

 

[Rumtytum]

He really is lovely, I am so lucky to be offered to ride him. It's not a formal share but that works quite well for me to be honest with work getting more and more busy. Even when we're getting ready to go he just stands so patiently while I faff about with tack and boots and hats etc, and just that puts me at ease right from the start.

He sounds the sweetest, coolest dude! After my torrid 3 month experience/endurance with the nervy TB (I ended up dreaded riding but felt sorry for the owner who was too scared to ride her - how dumb is that??) I was a whisker away from walking away from horses forever. Only my RS horse saved me. Sounds dramatic but it’s true and that’s why I’m certain it’s so important to meet the right horse.