Losing Interest?

[asaun05]

Hi all. This is my first post so I’m not entirely sure how this works but here goes.
I’m a 16 year old equestrian from the South East and I need some advice. Just a warning, information is going to be thrown around all over the place as I’ve been crying for hours, it’s almost 1am and I just need to write everything down.

I have a 14.3 rising 6yo Irish cob gelding called Seanie. I’ve owned him about a year and a half and he is my best friend. But, he is a great big, stocky, powerful, strong horse. He rides 16hh and is not your average cob.

Some background info:

I’ve never been a particularly confident rider, I had loads and loads of horrible falls when I first started riding just over 3 years ago. I’ve never fully gotten over the confidence knocks from them. We started looking for a confidence giver for me, and had such terrible luck for so so long we were starting to give up hope. Then we found Seanie, and I don’t know what made us go for a 4yo cob unseen from Ireland, but we made the decision and here we are.

Seanie arrived terrified of everyone and everything. It took us so long for him to trust us and now he does, he takes everything in his stride. Though, there are things that he doesn’t like (like mirrors) and can be extremely stubborn and sharp at times. He is a great horse with an amazing future, but takes confidence and experience from his rider and me being a novice (definitely competent, I can sit anything he tries) but without much nerve I’m afraid I’ve overhorsed myself and am wondering if it would be better for both of us if he went to a more experienced rider. He is an odd one, he doesn’t like the school at home but he thrives when competing and hacking, he’s always behaved perfectly out and about. When he gets sharp and when he spooks, although I can handle him fine I’ve begun to not enjoy the rides at home on him. I love taking him on outings, as he is normally brilliant, but at home I get tense and I don’t exactly look forward to it.

Now comes the juicy part. I’m 16 and am doing my GCSEs (well, mini versions of the exams but still makes up 50% of grade, then coursework too) this month. For the past few months I’ve been so so so stressed out about exams and have been really struggling with my mental health. Extreme depression runs in our family, and I’m considering seeing a doctor because it’s gotten out of hand. I’m always either crying or exhausted from everyday life.

We keep our horses at home, which is a dream, but also a nightmare. Struggling with mental health, procrastination, depression and a family of depressed and very opinionated people has proven very stressful. Having to balance school during the pandemic and doing all the care for the horses at home, I have lost a lot of my passion for horses and it feels like a chore rather than a hobby. I ride to keep my horse fit, but over half the time I’m nervous he’s going to spook and throw me off or have a bad day and be really sharp. He’s not a novice ride but I have such a bond with him on the ground I don’t want to let him go.

When I’m in the saddle, I’m feeling guilty that I’m not doing revision and coursework. When I’m doing revision and coursework, I’m feeling guilty I’m not riding or spending time with the horses like my family expect me to do in all my free time. I don’t feel motivated to do anything, not even just with the horses, but with everyday life too. The only time I look forward to it is on outings, but obviously with horses you have to deal with all of it. I’ve lost my spark.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not enjoying riding my horse anymore due to my nerves and how inexperienced he is, or if I really have just lost interest. Maybe it’s the cold weather and when warm weather comes I’ll get my passion again. But if I really have lost my love for it, that will be the hardest thing to admit. I don’t even know myself if I’ve lost my passion, I constantly feel tired and without energy but the thought of outings on my horse excite me. Weird, right?

My family have said that if I think Seanie is too much for me, we’ll sell him and get me a confidence giving schoolmaster. Although the thought of that sounds amazing, I don’t know if I want to let Seanie go. I’m competent enough to ride him and bring him on, but I’ll have to get my passion and nerves back somehow. Though, I’m off to college in September and will have lots of work to do out of class and I’m afraid if I don’t get my spark back then either horse would be wasted. Seanie especially as he’s young and needs consistency. My family have told me that they’ll support me if I continue or if I stop, but if I continue then I need to be in it for all of it not just the riding (completely understandably) but I need more opinions. My mental state is getting too much, I have a constant migraine from the stress and uncertainty of it all. Most of the time I just want to pause time, dig myself a hole and hide in it. Away from everything. I just don’t know what to do.

I haven’t ridden a confidence giver in so long that I don’t know if it’ll suddenly give me the spark back, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk in the case that it doesn’t and I’m stuck Seanie-less and with a great schoolmaster that I’ll be wasting either due to lack of interest or lack of time due to college.

Sorry for the rant, but someone please help me.

 

[cauda equina]

So sorry you're struggling to balance everything

Could you send Seanie off to schooling livery for a bit? He's still very young, and cobs can be opinionated beggars.
Some consistent work with a confident rider might make him into the right horse for you; meanwhile you wouldn't have to juggle riding him and working for your exams
It sounds as if you have a supportive family, which is a great start
Good luck with whatever you decide xx

 

[LEC]

Poor you feeling this way. You shouldn’t be feeling this way and there are some great tools on the internet to help. CBT is particularly helpful. https://moodgym.com.au/ this is a great website that might help you get started.

I would also seek professional help, a dr might be able to get you access to it but sounds like you need counselling and stress management help as the earlier you can learn these skills the better as adulting sucks and in the grand scheme of things GCSEs don’t mean that much (though it won’t seem like it at the moment)

I didn’t have a horse from 16 - 25 so I could go and do normal things with no pressure like socialising, going away at weekends and university in London. It’s not something I regret.

You are not enjoying the horse at the moment, it’s only adding to your anxiety. Personally I would sell. Have a month without a horse and see if it’s better or you feel you want another horse in your life. The horse will sell fine and you can check it goes to a good home. At the moment you are not a suitable pairing as not offering each other what you need. People get so caught on relationships with the horse but forget the essential that you should enjoy riding it. It’s it’s not fun, find one it is fun with.

 

[Red-1]

Goodness, you do sound very stressed. I would be easy with yourself, GCSE year is stressful enough, without Covid adding to the mix. Lessons will have been stressful, the uncertainty of how assessments will go on is stressful... You are doing OK!!!!

I would regularly take 3 breaths. It really does help. Slow and deep breaths. Take up a mantra, such as "Everything will be OK, there is no rush to make decisions."

From now until GCSE's there is no need to ride at all. You could just go and spend time with your horse. That is down time, where you can still connect with the outdoors.

Or, you could indeed sell and have a few months without, while GCSEs fill you time. Many, many people sell at GCSE time. You could still walk or cycle in the countryside.

I have found that, when you are stressed, it is not about whether or not you are capable of a horse. I sold my young mare last year. I was certainly capable of riding her, but I was really stressed with other stuff and she was no longer bringing me joy. She is doing amazingly well with her new owners, and I am now amazingly happy with a broken old cob! TBH, if you had told me a few years back that I would have been happy with a broken old horse, I would not have believed you as I was all about competing, but he is what I need NOW, in this stage of my life events. Maybe in a year I will want a competition the again? Maybe not? But I am not worrying about that right now, because right now I am happy.

When I was establishing myself in a new career, I went without a horse for some time.

When I had an injury, I did a few years without as well.

In those times, it was better for me to not have one, so I sold. When times changed, I bought again.

Breathe. Don't rush. It will all be OK. There isn't one 'right' answer, it is about what makes you feel better.

 

[Vodkagirly]

Sounds like you are having a rough time at the moment. I wouldn't make any permanent decisions when you are feeling like this but try to take the pressure off yourself for a bit.
Give the horse some time off. GCSEs will be over in June, then hopefully you will have move time and headspace to either enjoy him or to move him on.

 

[sunnyone]

These are just a few of my brain storming ideas to consider:
Reduce the horses hard feed to sustenance rations (mine live out but get as lib hay and 1 bare scoop of maintenance cubes in winter, grass and mineral licks in summer) this means they are not hyped up through sugar. Horse is more manageable.

Plan to ride only 3 times a week.. This will reduce your guilt levels re revision. As long as the horse has turnout he won't mind.

Send the horse out on loan for a while, then see how you feel about keeping, selling, extending loan.. Make sure you see the horse regularly too.

Offer a part-share from your house.. It could be for money, or it could be named chores done for a ride.

Offer to let the horse be a companion for a while where it won't be ridden.

Hopefully one of the above will take some of the pressure off.

 

[cbmcts]

I'm gong to be slightly different here. I think it is really important that you have something other than GCSE's to focus on during your downtime for the next few months. The weather is improving and the days are getting longer (yay) so take the pressure off yourself and plan to hack for now. Rather than selling Seanie and buying a schoolmaster - they don't come cheap! - would your parents pay for weekly lessons for you so you get help in the school and build your confidence in little steps?

As a lacking in confidence rider too, it is much worse when I have a break. What helps are the little, sometimes micro improvements and support from someone who can provide practical advice.

 

[Trouper]

Poor you feeling this way. You shouldn’t be feeling this way and there are some great tools on the internet to help. CBT is particularly helpful. https://moodgym.com.au/ this is a great website that might help you get started.

I would also seek professional help, a dr might be able to get you access to it but sounds like you need counselling and stress management help as the earlier you can learn these skills the better as adulting sucks and in the grand scheme of things GCSEs don’t mean that much (though it won’t seem like it at the moment)

I didn’t have a horse from 16 - 25 so I could go and do normal things with no pressure like socialising, going away at weekends and university in London. It’s not something I regret.

You are not enjoying the horse at the moment, it’s only adding to your anxiety. Personally I would sell. Have a month without a horse and see if it’s better or you feel you want another horse in your life. The horse will sell fine and you can check it goes to a good home. At the moment you are not a suitable pairing as not offering each other what you need. People get so caught on relationships with the horse but forget the essential that you should enjoy riding it. It’s it’s not fun, find one it is fun with.

I totally agree with LEC. You are struggling with keeping so many plates spinning at the moment and the ones you can't drop are your current age and the education challenges coming along in the next few years. I had to give up horses for a while to concentrate on school and career and it was very hard to do. The thing to remember, however, is that you would NOT be failing by doing this - you would be making mature and sensible decisions for the stage of life you are currently at. It's a skill you will need more than once in life!!
As for Seanie - well most folk on here will have bought a horse at some time in their life that was not "ideal" for them - welcome to the club! You seem to have done a lot to help him already, but if circumstances mean that you are not the right person or the time is not right to take that education forward for him, then you will help him most by finding someone whose life situation will enable them to do that.
Above all, please try and get some help for yourself - we none of us make good decisions when we are totally stressed so finding that help would be my first task.
I hope all our comments have given you some comfort and support.

 

[PinkvSantaboots]

You could just cut your riding down to 2 to 3 days a week and pay an instructor to ride a few days a week to keep him ticking over, can he live out at home? It will reduce the time spent mucking out doing hay nets so free up some time for you, at least it won't feel like such a chore.

 

[asaun05]

Hi again, I’ve talked to my mum and decided that I am going to call the doctor to discuss medication to boost my mood before I decide upon anything with Seanie. I think I worded it wrong in my post, I don’t think I’ve lost complete interest (because the thought of getting out and about sounds really good to me) I think I’ve just lost my passion (especially as we keep our horses at home and the thought of riding comes with the thought of chores and I just feel exhausted all the time). My sister went through this exact thing (minus exams) in December and is now on medication that have regained her passion for riding and chores, so that is going to be what we try first. It might turn out that once I’m on medication and the weather is better that Seanie and I will click again, or I may decide that I’m passionate about horses again but want something more experienced. I can’t exactly have a break until exams are over at the end of the month because Seanie needs to be ridden, due to his age and I’m his rider so if I decide to have a break we’ll have to sell him. I understand where they’re coming from.
Riding wise, for now I think I’m going to carry on how we are and hack Seanie out, even just in walk for the time being. I haven’t ridden him in about a week due to school and the weather, so maybe when I get back on it’ll remind me how much I love it. I have a few fun outings booked for Seanie and I, including going to the beach, which is something I am really looking forward to so I’m going to partake in those, get some medication and see where my passion takes me. Thank you for all your kind words, this forum really does help ?

 

[cauda equina]

Another thing to try if you felt like it would be to ride less (it sounds as if he's ok if not ridden everyday) and do some groundwork on his unridden days
I think Irish horses are sometimes backed fairly quickly without a huge amount of preparation so some stages might have been missed out for him.
Getting good manners on the ground will pay off in his ridden work - 'You ride the horse you lead'
There's loads of stuff on YouTube; I particularly like Warwick Schiller

 

[Upthecreek]

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I definitely think you should talk to your doctor but I would be very surprised if the outcome of that was to prescribe anti-depressant medication to a 16 year old. There are usually other things to try first, such as cognitive behaviour therapy for example.

Regarding your horse, I would not rush into making a decision right now. It’s easy to do that when you feel under pressure and regret it afterwards. Seanie is still young and may well benefit from being turned away for a few months. It will give you breathing space to get your GCSEs done. If you are feeling exhausted and having regular migraines something has to give. You don’t have the choice to put your school work on hold, so it has to be the horse. Of course you can still spend time with him, when you have free time, but you won’t have the commitment of having to ride him regularly and feeling guilty when you don’t.

If you keep him you need some lessons with a good instructor to boost your confidence and help you produce him further. Most people would struggle to produce a green 4 year old by themselves. There was obviously a reason why you were looking for a confidence giver to buy. How on earth did you end up buying a 4 year old unseen from Ireland?!

There is no shame in admitting you are over horsed and selling. Most of us have been there. Life is too short and horses are too time consuming and expensive to not enjoy riding them. Re-evaluate how you feel when you don’t have other pressures, but selling is often the best thing to do in your situation. I really hope you have a loving and supportive family to help you through these challenges.

 

[Dreamer2020]

Hi asaun05 ... not much to add to all the helpful advice you've already had, other than to say I think your idea to talk to your GP is a really good one. Dealing with depression is hard enough with everything else you have going on right now. Try not to make major decisions until you are feeling more like yourself. It's hard to think clearly when you aren't in a good place & I'd hate for you to regret a decision to sell your boy. Keep posting & stay in touch with us all. Big hugs xx

 

[Red-1]

Hi again, I’ve talked to my mum and decided that I am going to call the doctor to discuss medication to boost my mood before I decide upon anything with Seanie. I think I worded it wrong in my post, I don’t think I’ve lost complete interest (because the thought of getting out and about sounds really good to me) I think I’ve just lost my passion (especially as we keep our horses at home and the thought of riding comes with the thought of chores and I just feel exhausted all the time). My sister went through this exact thing (minus exams) in December and is now on medication that have regained her passion for riding and chores, so that is going to be what we try first. It might turn out that once I’m on medication and the weather is better that Seanie and I will click again, or I may decide that I’m passionate about horses again but want something more experienced. I can’t exactly have a break until exams are over at the end of the month because Seanie needs to be ridden, due to his age and I’m his rider so if I decide to have a break we’ll have to sell him. I understand where they’re coming from.
Riding wise, for now I think I’m going to carry on how we are and hack Seanie out, even just in walk for the time being. I haven’t ridden him in about a week due to school and the weather, so maybe when I get back on it’ll remind me how much I love it. I have a few fun outings booked for Seanie and I, including going to the beach, which is something I am really looking forward to so I’m going to partake in those, get some medication and see where my passion takes me. Thank you for all your kind words, this forum really does help ?

I think an appointment with the doctor is an excellent idea. While you are there, he/she will likely suggest blood tests, I would request a vitamin D blood test, which they often mss out of blood panels. Your symptoms could be exacerbated by lack of vitamin D.

 

[spotty_pony]

Definitely a good idea to talk to the doctor and medication may help - but you may need some counselling too. I've been there and what has helped me the most is surrounding myself with positive people and cutting out the negativity in my life. That is the best advice I can give you. Hope you get yourself sorted soon. ?

 

[splashgirl45]

just because he is young doesnt mean he has to be ridden every day, if you have turn out for him he will be fine just being ridden a couple of times a week or you could cut out any heating feed and let him have a holiday for a while so you can get yourself in a better place, good luck

 

[Widgeon]

Regarding your horse, I would not rush into making a decision right now. It’s easy to do that when you feel under pressure and regret it afterwards. Seanie is still young and may well benefit from being turned away for a few months.

Nothing to add but I didn't want to read and run. Personally I think this is great advice - I have also been depressed and I know now that it's a bad place from which to be making decisions. You've got so much to cope with at the moment and it's not surprising at all that it's triggered these feelings. Please do talk to your GP, from the family history your describe it sounds like you may well be struggling with something inherited as well as the GCSE situation (which in itself is very difficult for most people in your position). Needing help for mental health problems is absolutely legitimate and you deserve to be supported.

Your horse won't spoil for being turned out, don't panic about needing to make a decision now. Maybe just aim to get through the GCSEs first. To make a decision on selling you need to able to weigh up advantages and disadvantages, and it sounds like you have so much going on that that's going to be tough for you right now.

Finally, it's clear from your posts that you're a intelligent and articulate person - so you can do this. Just keep plodding on, get the help you need and deserve, and you will make it through the exams. And counselling, if you can get it, is also a great idea. Very best wishes, do let us know how things go if posting here is helpful to you.

 

[Mule]

I wouldn't make big decisions at the moment. When you aren't feeling well it's best to put a decision like this off until you are back to yourself. I'd just take it easy for the moment and , in regards to riding, only do what you are comfortable with. I think it would be best not to rush in to anything.