Loss of horse of a lifetime – How to cope?

Sadiemay

Sadiemay

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I havent posted here much but could really do with some advice/support as on the 10th July, my whole world as I knew it for the last 19 years fell apart. I lost my beloved best friend of 19 years very suddenly and unexpectedly.

It will be 3 weeks this Sunday since my beautiful girl left me and the pain in my heart is not easing. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. The last couple of weeks I have somehow managed to function enóugh to have been able to go back to work but apart from that I am a mess, an empty shell. I simply cannot seem to accept she is gone, everything just feels so pointless and bleak without her. I miss her more than any words could ever express.

All I want is her back even for a minute. I constantly look at pictures and videos of her, even though my heart breaks a little more each time, hug her rugs and headcoller as they still smell of her, if I close my eyes its like she is still here and I am hugging her. A hug with her made the world seem like a better place you see.

I feel like I let her down, I am so angry and bitter with myself. The vets did everything they could but she had given up the fight and I had no choice but let go into an etermal sleep. Its like her pain ended on July 10th and mine began for the rest of my lifetime.

Please can someone tell me if this ever gets any better or easier? As right now I feel like just giving up. My husband, family and friends who have been amazing are so worried about me, but I just don’t seem to care and I don’t know how to change that or if it just comes with time.

To my beatiful Sadie May, my best friend, soulmate and confidant for the last 19 years….now my angel with hooves:

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place,
nothing could ever fill..

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane.
I'd run the path to heaven
and bring you home again

Our family chain is broken
Nothing will be the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

Sadiemay
 
It does get easier, but i know how you feel. Somewhere at the bottom of my wadrobe is a jumper and a pair of trousers I wore for my last hug. :(
 
I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine my world without my mare and understand, as will everyone else on this forum, what a huge part of our lives our horses are. They arent a hobby, they are a way of life and losing that must be like losing yourself. We give them so much and they give us even more in return.

I hope one day you can look back and smile at your memories and for now, just try and imagine her galloping through heaven watching over you :)

I dont think they ever truely leave you.

God Bless- i really hope you start to feel better soon.
 
Oh dear. I do really feel for you and I don't know how I will feel when the time comes for mine as I too have had them many years. I lost my pony when he was 19 and I had had him since he was 12 -I was also 12.

I was devastated when he died as it was following an injury which should not hve been life threatening but he just went in to a sort of shock and he just gave up the fight really.

I too blamed myself, went through all the "what ifs" etc and could I have done anything. I think it made it worse that I wasn't there as I was at uni.

It does get easier but I can still cry about mine if I think about it and I will still run things over in my head - it happened over 10 years ago.

I think what you need to try and do (although it is hard) is NOT blame yourself for anything that happened. It is a sad fact of owning animals that these thinsg happen. I try to console myself with that about mine too - he was 19 and that is a heck of a lot older than some horses make it to. I know in the 7 years I had him, he had a good life (it hadn't been brilliant beforehand from what I know). Some people have to lose much younger horses and some other horses never experience care or love so you have to tell yourself you gave your horse that and you know you did all you could for her til the end.

Not a lot more I can say really. Us humans are terrible for blaming ourselves for these things though but I guess that's what makes us human.
 
I read your message a few times wishing I knew what to say. My girl was put to sleep 2 years ago now and her headcollar is still hanging up in my room I bought it the day we bought her and she had it the whole 16years that I had her. It should have been a consolation that she was 39 and had had a brilliant last 16 years, but it was an injury that lead to her being put to sleep.

I can't tell you how you will get past it, or when, but it does get easier eventually. Allowing yourself to smile or to hug another horse doesn't mean you loved her any less. Me loving my boy and telling him he is the best horse in the world doesn't mean she wasn't the best horse in the world to me too (I always have to add that in when I tell him...just in case she is listening and getting in a strop with me!)

I wish I could be more help.
 
When I lost my horse of a lifetime, I honestly thought I wouldn't survive it. My husband was at his wits end and I just disappeared a little bit every day. In the end my husband made me go to bereavement counselling. I felt so embarrassed at first, talking about a horse when others had lost their partner or sibling ... but my counsellor was amazing - patient and understanding. It took me over 7 months to get over my boy's death. It was also very sudden - one of the things I accepted was that he was that important to me and that it was nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. He'd been with me for longer than my husband, longer than anyone or anything ... I still cry thinking about him and it's been many years, but now I know to cherish what we had and I know I was so lucky to have shared 20 years of my life with him.
 
It will get easier but you will never forget, it's 12 and 9 years since I lost my 2 horses and i love to think about them and look and pics I still have there tails. The mares tail even still has straw in lol
You will feel better soon
 
I lost my old boy fourteen month ago in similar circumstances, i.e. extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. He broke a leg in the field and as I was working 100 miles away at the time, I wasn't there. When I got the phone call I just hit the floor howling and wailing and it's the only time in my life that I've nearly thrown up with shock.

People experience this in so many different ways but when it's like this, all I can tell you is that it takes time to get past this stage. You need to permit yourself the time it takes to grieve through this stage. I miss my old boy every day and there will never be another like him; I'd be privileged to find anything that came close. But I understand that I will love other horses, differently but I will, and now have a new boy to look to the future with (and by God does he need that!).

Even now, it hurts sometimes (actually, probably shouldn't be trying to write this post at work!) but I take solace in the fact that - it's a very personal thing, and I don't know quite how defined my 'views' otherwise are in these respects - I think he's still around in some way and that he's happy and free and I'll see him again in time. I still say 'hi' to him when I pass our old club; I still say goodnight passing the field on my way somewhere; and I still chat to him.

It does gradually get easier to reconcile the loss with yourself. It does change. You were never to blame and once you accept that, it helps. It's so easy to say that you should look back at the time you had and so on, and not easy or even really possible to do for a while, but it does come. It just takes time. That's all I can say.

You have my utmost sympathy. Hold on to the memories and take the time you need to get through this stage of the grieving. x

ETA I don't know what your schedule's like but once I began to regain an even keel, Saturday mornings were the worst - even once I'd stopped crying *every* day, this one was the one that was guaranteed. I felt lost for literally what to do with myself and dreaded the weekends. Surround yourself with people who care.
 
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I know exactly how you feel I lost my mare of a lifetime in 1995 . my whole world fell apart. Not a day went by when i didn't think of her . Having to still go up to yard to do my other horse seeing the top door shut hurt me even more I cried and cried on my other horses shoulder .

2011

I still have her tack
still have her rug she died in and the other rugs , nothing has worn it so it still smells of her.
I have her boots everything I cannot bring myself to sell anything .

I have some of her tail I had a portrait done of he by Karen Herbert her picture is on the left



I had a tattoo done of her, this year ie few weeks back i had her name tattoo,d under her picture.

I have her ashes which will be put with mine when I go.

The main crying has stopped ( still do when i hear her song) but the dreams memories and such is still here . I will never get over loosing her as I wont with the other in picture when she goes.

Do something which will keep her with you

Make a heart locket in gold or silver with her name on it
or a pocket locket with her picture inside
a portrait of her
tattoo of her
bracelet with her name
anything so you keep his memory alive.

Everyone is different PM me if you want :)
 
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Everyone grieves differently, howl when you need to and KEEP your horse's stuff, even though it is SOOO painful to see at times.

When I lost my second horse at 18 I nearly got rid of everything because it was so painful to see, smell etc. Break from horses for 10 years and I use his stuff on new(ish) old boy. Still evennow get a lump in my throat about seeing a few of his bay hairs on rugs/saddle cloths etc but so glad his rugs, boots etc are looking after current grey boy who is different

Time does heal a bit x
 
This brought tears to my eyes. I totally feel for you and don't ever hold back the tears, everytime you let them out the pain eases. It doesn't get easier, you just learn how to cope without them being there.
 
You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back , or you can open your eyes and see all she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't cannot see her, or you can be full of the love that you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do want she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.


Hope you find the strength, as I did. ((((hugs))))
 
I have use some of her stuff on my mares son also called her name to keep her alive but the rug she died in that is still in the plastic bag since that day .



In fact 30 dec 95 is when she died around 8.30 am . On 30 dec 2010 at 11 am , i was scanning the for sale dun mare on internet when out the blue up popped an ad which hadn't been their 15 mins before a little dun mare same colour same white leg same pattern to the leg in the way of markings , her show name was different but then the seller said oh her name is biscuit I burst into tears 5 hour journey down to hook in wales this was fate so now I have two Biscuits altho I call her Bicky and him Biscuit

here she is



Oh yes I also had a t shirt done with all my animals on it and a mug with her picture on all these things will keep you think of her .

Every horses fills a important little place in your heart , non of them fill the same hole just their place .
 
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When we had our accident and lost Benson, I too thought my life couldnt go on. I had almost 5 months at home before I was well enough to go back to work so lots of time to think.
3 weeks is very recent. You need to allow yourself to grieve, give yourself permission to feel those feelings.
Its 18 months now since we lost Benson, I still have tears for him, but it does get easier, truthfully, it does.
Shout, scream, rant, cry.....do it all if you want to. Its Okay.
 
What an extremely sad listing that made me cry, I know I have it all to come My beautiful 14.1 pony is 28 (thankfully apart from being cushenoid - which she is on tablets for) and I have had her for 22 years I dread the day I have to go through the pain you are.

I appreciate every day with her and keep the memories and I am so glad for you that you have so many lovely memories.

I know My veterinary practice can help arrange animal grief counselling which is supposed to be fantastic it may be worth looking down that avenue.

Thinking of you xxx
 
I'm crying reading your post as that was me last year, it does get better if someone had said this to be last year I would not have thought it was true, just do what you need to do and don't feel bad about anything, I'm sending you the biggest hug in the world !! Xxx
 
Oh heavens, I'm upset reading your post, I'm so very sorry for the pain you are in right now, it does get easier in time, easier is not really a word to describe it, but I think you'll know what it is people mean when they try to explain it that way.

We call cope in different ways, I know looking at photos and looking at her things is your way of coping but it will also break you down and upset you more (well I know it did me) the only thing that made it easier for me was having my youngster to keep me busy and my mind off it, now when I look at photos, I can look back and smile rather than shed tears.

Try to keep yourself busy is the only advice that worked for me.

Huge (((hugs))).
 
For me my horse of a lifetime will never be replaced. She was the one and I have never, and probably will never, feel about another horse the way I felt about her. My precious mare died 10 years ago and when she went, a part of my soul died with her. After her death I truly thought I would never recover. The grief was so intense and overwhelming. It was something I had never experienced with all its might before. However somewhere down the line the grief changed to a strange form of contentment. It was like the flick of a light switch, I suddently realised just how lucky I had been to share almost 2 decades with such a special animal. Some people spend their whole lives trying to search for a relationship as strong as the one I had with my mare and never find it. I did. So instead of feeling sad about her dying I realised that I should be happy to have shared in her life.

It's the biggest cliche around but it's true, time is your friend and it is a great healer. I am so sorry you are going through this terribly sad time and for you the loss of your mare is so recent that it will take time for these sad feelings to be replaced by more positive emotions. It is healthy to cry and to grieve and there is no time frame for when it is no longer acceptable to continue grieving but at some point it WILL leave you and you WILL move on.
 
Many ways to remember you loved one be it horse cat or dog

my horsebox license plate ( number hidden )




keep all their tack , leads collars.
have a plaque made up
keep his rugs
have jewelry made up out his hair
pendant with his name on
locket with his picture in
portrait done
tattoo done
have license plate done
the horses sign on lorry with his picture
Bracelet done with his name
coffee mug with his picture on
t shirt

any one else with any other ideas??
 
Oh Sadiemay how very sad to read your thread.... it is never an easy time to have to go through, I feel your raw pain you did the most unselfish thing us owners could ever do and that was to end her pain and suffering, you must not blame yourself you and the vets did what they could as any would.

I lost my horse of a lifetime suddenly too back in August2009 and I still to this day cry and never a day goes that I do not think of him, I chat to him all the time I have his casket in the lounge if ever I feel sad I always sit and chat to him....

The pain does ease I promise but you mustn't rush you have all the time you need we are all different it took me a VERY long time to accept his loss with all the if's and but's... but he told me he had enough and so I did the best thing for him let him go peacefully and pain free.. I suffer the pain too every day of my life now but knowing he is not makes up for it.
 
Suziq77 said:
It does get easier, but i know how you feel. Somewhere at the bottom of my wadrobe is a jumper and a pair of trousers I wore for my last hug. :(
Click to expand...

Thanks god as my jeans are still in a heap where they fell that fateful night. That'll be 5 years agon this Sept!

Only time does it I'm afraid.... Everyone is different. I did get another quite soon, but then living on my own was too lonely and so I needed another even if I did not want another. I still chat to her regularly but usually about fun stuff although it was all why did you leave me at first..........

So sorry for your loss.................x
 
Thank you everyone who has replied. I am so touched. I am not well known on here so didnt expect many replies. I will read through them all properly later.

I am so sorry to each and every one of you that have gone through the hell that I am going through now. I will try and find a way of taking some comfort that time does ease what is now an unbearable pain. It hurts so much it takes my breath away and is like a repeated punch to the stomach.

I feel so cheated, this wasnt meant to happen now! She was 24 but in good health apart from Cushings which she was being treated for. But then in the blink of an eye she was gone. Its the cruelest thing that could ever happen to me. I keeping pinching myself in the desperate hope this is some hellish nightmare and I will wake up and her sweet face will be there.

A part of me died the moment she passed away and now I feel like the rest of me is slowly following. Its getting worse not better. I feel so alone and scared.

We have her ashes at home now, all hers things are still at the livery yard, the YO has been amazing and said there is no rush to move or sort through anything until I am ready, but what if I am never going to be ready?

I miss her so much, I never knew it was possible to feel such a physical pain in my heart. I always thought a broken heart was just a phrase but now I realise its very very real.

Sorry for my rambling and thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

Sadiemay
 
premiersporthorsesuk said:
This brought tears to my eyes. I totally feel for you and don't ever hold back the tears, everytime you let them out the pain eases. It doesn't get easier, you just learn how to cope without them being there.
Click to expand...

I agree with this.
I lost one of mine pointing just 13 weeks ago, not a day goes by without a wistful thought. I have my other lovely horses, but for 8 weeks I continued to 'function' but I felt so lost and hopeless, I only started to ride properly again 3 weeks ago.
Please don't feel like you have to have a timescale, you will feel better when you are ready.
((hug)) xx
 
Very sorry for your loss. I lost my old mare in June, and kind of know what you are going through.
As hard as it is, I seem to think that they wouldn't like to see us in a state, so literally had to tell myself lies about how I must be feeling. Trying to trick my body into 'having to cope' and showing how brave I am. Somehow, it has worked, I tricked myself so good, I am now coping just fine. Taken 5-6 weeks at least, so it doesn't happen over night.
Stand tall, be brave, if not for yourself do it for your mare.
Hugs<<>>
 
(((((HUGS))))) in time the pain will ease and then your heart will fill with all the wonderful times you had. My treasure is buried at a friends farm - it's now ten years since he passed and the memories are of all the wonderful times we shared.

Please look after yourself (((((HUGS)))))
 
I too lost my horse of a lifetime in 2003. It does get easier,I promise, I still have very sad times and wish I could have him back if only for an hour. I searched for a long while for someone to do his portrait and eventually found PapaFrita on here, it is perfect, him to a tee and it feels lovely having 'him' on my wall. Whilst I was searching for an artist I spoke to one who said 'The trouble is, they leave a horse sized hole in your life don't they?' I liked that, it seems to describe the enormity of losing such a dear friend very well.

I hope you feel stronger soon, you will, it just takes time, don't fell pressured to 'get over it' - I don't think you do really, you just learn that life goes on in a different way. The memories of the lovely times you shared overcome the feelings of sadness most of the time. I cried every day for months! I still do, but rarely now. Your grief and feelings are simply a measure of how much she meant to you. Take care and give yourself time.
 
I lost my horse a week ago today - I hate crying and I'm not sentimental so I don't look at photos or videos yet - hubby has sorted everything out for me, and when Im ready I will look at them, smell his head collar etc - but I cant do it yet. This thread made me cry and I nearly stopped reading it so I wouldn't get upset.

I knew my boy was going, so prepared myself as much as I could - my new horse comes on Sunday which has eased the pain a little

Everyone deals with it in a very different way. My way was to get on with it although he is in my thoughts from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep and all the time in between.

My boy was my horse of a lifetime. And I miss him so much.

Hope you feel better soon and remember your horse and smile instead of cry.
 
When i had my first mare PTS the love of my life she was, loved her more than life.

I had cremated they asked me what i wanted on the casket . B/F said In loving memory of Biscuit simply the best.
I remember the day so clearly when the courier said I have a parcel for you , all jovial etc , I said that's not a parcel that's my lovely horses ashes. I picked them up and bought into house. When we moved here I couldn't bring myself to pick her up B/f did . took be 5 years before i could open the cardboard box and see her casket .
I still have dreams about her sometimes totally out the blue. Gone but never forgotten :(
 
What a lovely, but heartbreaking thread- I'm in tears here

OP, I honestly feel for you, when you look at pictures, try not to remember what you have lost, but instead what wonderful times the pair of you had.

I'm dreading the day I lose mine :(
 
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