Lost all my confidence- do I give up?

[throwawayaccount]

throwaway account, i'm registered but tend to lurk.

any advice would be massively appreciated..

i've always had horses and at one point I had 3, I wish I could go back to that point in my life! 2016-2017, I brought on a project pony, and had my two lovely permanent ones, one who I competed. it was such a fun and happy time with the horses. just sitting in their field with them and enjoying their company, to riding out with friends and having fun at shows.

in 2018 my horse was pts due to melanoma and this utterly broke me, he was literally my dream horse and brought me from being scared to jump an X pole to flying 1m30 at home, and competing up to 90m, cantering around tackless etc.. the whole experience was traumatic. I still had my old girl who I kept going for, and got a project pony, a nice gelding in who I ended up jumping up to 75cm competitively. he put me in hospital several times and at first I wasn't scared to get back on him but eventually I was. my mental health was getting worse (I suffer with depression and anxiety) and he got progressively worse- I had everything checked (back, saddle, teeth, feet, different opinions, vet checks, trainers) and in the end I came to the conclusion that i'd had enough and was just going to give up. it got to the point where he'd nap to the arena, rear, spin. couldn't hack..couldn't do anything. he went to my friend and I gave up riding.

I went through a terrible personal loss in Summer 2019 which absolutely broke me. I lost 4 stone in the space of a month. my mental health got progressively worse.

my old pony then died at the end of 2019. she just dropped dead in the field at almost 30.

I decided to get a horse again at the end of April 2020, bought unseen. a really stupid mistake but I felt so alone. the mare is lovely and is honestly such a lovely 'person', she is just a really sweet horse. she is also smart and sensitive. unfortunately fairly quickly I realised she was lame and uncomfortable- whenever I went to mount her at the mounting block she'd spin round and round it , or as soon as you put your foot in the stirrup she moves off with you. for some reason this terrifies me as i have the ingrained image of being dragged!! she was also moving incorrectly and it transpired her suspensory ligament had been done in. so it has been a long vet route of trying to get her sound but I felt as though we bonded well on the ground. I did a lot of digging on her past and found out that she had been through the auctions and essentially hammered- poor girl. I barely rode at all last year, apart from seeing my friends and riding their ponies (no issues). my horse can be turned out now as normal and always runs up to see me when she spots me approaching the field (saves wading through the mud!) and she is coming back into work. she has just had her teeth done and saddle checked, all is ok for now. she has the farrier next week and also physio.

the problem is she still has the mounting block issue. i have done groundwork with her and i'm teaching her to stand, and she does to an extent, but still walks off. i've had a few lessons with an instructor- i haven't ridden- she has just done the groundwork and got on/off. all i want to do is ride my horse and im petrified i cant manage her and feel as though the break and my worsening mental health is just making me an absolute wreck. the problem is absolutely me. for the saddle fitter last week i had to hop on and luckily i had someone to hold my stirrup for me and they led me around on her- eventually i relaxed and felt ok!!!!! and got off happily. but its getting back on that fills me with dread. she is due another scan in april to fully ascertain her ridden career- ie, whether she'll be able to jump or not, or if she'll just be a happy hack.

im getting older, im now approaching the late end of my 20s and my confidence isn't what it was- i suppose its always been an issue but now its just...awful. i've been to the GP and i've been off/on antidepressants and had counselling but the problem is whats in my head is broken and i can't fix it.

my yard is big and i get on with almost everyone, i just wish i had my best friends with me- the ones i grew up with riding and trust implicitly. i feel alone, i can't always ask for help.

my friend who lives in my old area has offered to take my mare on and get her started, which i'm seriously considering, as having my horse and paying out a fortune is causing a lot of rows with my partner- but thats another story ! he says horses are a money pit, especially mine who seems to have had a rough past.

the point of this thread is, what do I do?

do I give up completely , does confidence ever truly come back the older we get?

should I send her to my friend and then go from there?

I am based in cheshire east - if anyone could help me I'd be so grateful

thanks for reading xx

 

[DabDab]

Aww, bless you. Yes confidence comes back, particularly if it is more nervousness with a particular horse than confidence in general.

I would definitely take your friend up on her offer, as long as you can visit and ride while your mare is still there.

Equally I don't think deciding to sell would be a bad idea if it will give you some time out to focus on yourself for a bit. If you miss it you can still get involved with horses, just without so much of the emotional investment for a while.

Hugs x

 

[Widgeon]

This sounds familiar. I'm a similar age and also lost all my confidence following a pony who turned out to be in pain. I didn't want to read and run, so here are my thoughts for what they're worth:

- Yes you can get your confidence back - you might never be quite as fearless as before but that's partly just to do with getting older
- A broken / sick / unsuitable horse is a huge drain on your mental health - it's a niggling problem that never goes away and has no end in sight. So I'm not surprised that it's having such an effect on you - that's quite normal, so don't feel that you're pathetic or poorly equipped in any way. It's a really hard thing to try to deal with
- It sounds to me like you need to find a more suitable home for this horse. What you've done for her is commendable but you need to put yourself (and your relationship) higher up, I think - if you trust this friend I would absolutely send her the mare, see how she goes and whether she has a viable future as a nice hack, and go from there. Would it be cheaper for you to send her to the friend, i.e. less than you curently spend on livery?

I think it sounds like you need a break and need to take the pressure off yourself. Your partner is probably exhausted and confused from seeing you spend so much money on something that's currently only making you very unhappy - when did you meet him? Has he seen how happy horses make you when things are good? With the right horse you could definitely get your confidence back, no question about it. But it sounds like you and your mare are just chipping away at each other. I'd send the mare to your friend, and see if you can find something to borrow and potter about on for a while.

You've had some horrible luck but that's not your fault - and you've done a good job looking after your mare. I'm not by any means saying give up on her, or abandon her, but I think you need to put yourself first for a bit, and your friend's offer seems like an ideal way of doing that. Give yourself some space and you'll be able to assess things more rationally. And if your friend can work with the mare, you'll have more information to help you make a good decision about where to go from there with her.

 

[Ample Prosecco]

Yes you can regain your confidence - especially in a sitation like this where you have a specific learned fear which can just as easily be unlearned too. PM me if you want and I can offer more detailed info - point you in the direction of some resources. x

 

[CMcC]

There is an awful lot going on in your post, and I feel that you may be focussing your loss of confidence around horses when it may be a more general condition.

I don’t think anyone on this forum can untangle all the elements and give you sensible advice. Could you find a counsellor to talk things through with?

One thing I am qualified to tell you: in you late 20s you are not getting older you have many years ahead of you to regain your confidence and enjoy horses and riding again. Good luck.

 

[Widgeon]

One thing I am qualified to tell you: in you late 20s you are not getting older you have many years ahead of you to regain your confidence and enjoy horses and riding again. Good luck.

Sorry, perhaps I should clarify, I didn't mean you're ancient and past it, I just meant that as you get out of your teens / early twenties I think a lot of people become more risk aware. Not necessarily a bad thing!

 

[paddy555]

If you had an old schoolmaster, a totally genuine horse of whatever breed you like, who would stand, go, stop, do whatever you want, not spook etc. would you ride it. Would you want to ride, would you get your enthusiasm and confidence back? If the answer is yes I would separate the 2 problems ie you and your mare. From what you write it seems unlikely you will get your confidence on this mare ATM and possibly for a while.
I would send the mare to your friend.

Then I would beg, borrow or steal and older horse. Part loan, share or even buy if you could afford it specifically to ride for a few months. Then seeing how it goes sell it, keep it and consider selling your mare or gradually move over slowly from the schoolmaster to your mare.

Look at your fears. You have been through a lot. You are scared of being dragged when mounting and probably when riding. Can you resolve that? yes cages for your stirrups. Look at each area of fear and work out how to make it safe for yourself.

As for getting older in your late twenties there are plenty on here riding who are a good 40 years older than you are.

if you are on FB have a look at Karl Greenwood and also on Utube. Lots and lots of free info and videos.
I know several who have found it helpful and one who actually went on his 1 day course to learn how to fall off, dealing with rearing etc. She loved it. It may be the "method" that clicks the switch in your brain.

 

[Flame_]

I used to have a horse that f-ed off as you mounted. I'm not easily scared but even with tons of help and getting past that habit so I could actually ride the horse, I never trusted her, never felt safe on her and never looked forward to riding her. One day I just said "screw getting back on, she's going, it's not worth it".

Honestly, get a different horse, you'll wish you'd done it sooner.

 

[Bonnie Allie]

Two things:

You need a quality sports psychologist for yourself.

You need a quality trainer to calmly teach your horse to stand at the mounting block or anywhere you are mounting.

You have had a horrid time and despite this you have kept going and achieved an incredible amount.

I am considerably older than yourself and three times in my riding career, all after crashing falls, I ha e engaged a sports psychologist to get me back on track and it’s magic. As I tend to over think things anyway, it’s great to have someone straighten out your thoughts together back to being confident and competent.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

There's already good advice above so just adding to it...

If she still has a problem with mounting then I can recommend Horse Help UK who is in your area. I've used him before.

Agree with the above, I'd want more help from the GP as I suspect the anxiety and depression is still there, you're just witnessing it at its worst when you ride but it'll be there all the time. If your current treatment plan isn't working ask about alternative treatments, NHS or private.

I like Karl Greenwoods book. It helped me.

 

[maya2008]

My friend’s daughter was as nervous as they come. My old pony gave her her confidence, then they bought an old, ex-polo pony from a riding school that needed a quieter life. That horse has been just what the girl needed - her confidence on her is rock solid. She is reliable, never silly, always sensible.

Likewise, my daughter is scared on our shetland but confident enough to race her brother on my 14hh mare.

You simply need the right horse...

Send yours away, then sell/loan. Share something completely bombproof for a while.

 

[Winters100]

I say don't give up, but change something. As Maya, Paddy and a few others have said a school master / mistress can be worth their weight in gold in this situation.

I can only speak for myself, but I would never have got my confidence back riding the same horse that I had lost confidence riding. I sold that horse to a lovely home where he was a good fit and really appreciated, he was not a problem horse, the only problem was that I had a ferrari and I needed a nice safe little volkswagen. I then got a 14 year old schoolmistress and I owe so much to her. 2 years later I have no confidence issues, I have 2 more horses, but she has a home for life with me, because she is the one who made it all possible. She is 100% reliable, never spooky, never silly, I can ride her with or without tack at all paces. It took a long time to get my confidence back, but riding a lovely sensible schoolmistress every day did it. I will never forget what I owe to this mare.

 

[throwawayaccount]

thank you everyone for your helpful and thoughtful replies- they mean a lot, and I've been re-reading them. I really appreciate it so thankyou.

Dabdab - thank you for your kind reply, it means a lot

Widgeon, you essentially hit the nail on the head with your comments- he actually isn't aware how much I spend on her each month- I seem to always dip into my savings because she needs this/that/or something else. We are in the position where we are supposed to be saving for our own house but here I am playing ponies and almost literally handing her money to eat!! he has a lot of frustrations for various reasons- I met him a few years ago when I had my old girl and the last project pony, who he didn't think much of- and implied then it was a waste of time/money. He simply isn't horsey, i've explained to him the happiness having a horse gives me, although equally he replies with what you've said- he doesn't understand why I spend so much yet never seem happy.

Amber's Echo - thank you, I will definitely PM you.

CMcC- I agree with you- I think so many things have happened it's changed my mindset and focus. I always have felt, ever since I was around 23, that my life would be over when I'm 30. That I have to have achieved so many certain things, but the problem is comparison and I take my failures as something that should be ashamed of.. (not all necessarily horsey related) But then someone else could be thinking 'wow, she's lucky to even have a horse' and that's completely true- I try not to take that for granted. I have had counselling in the past but they ran out as they were via works scheme. I've been waiting via my GP for a long time. I think I'll try to see if I can qualify for any more counselling.

paddy555- I think as long as I trusted and felt safe enough on a schoolmaster, I'd be completely happy. which then means that the problem is with this mare in the sense that, in this time of my life, I don't have the confidence or guts to deal with her. I have ordered some freejumps to feel safer in the saddle (hopefully)- I'm not sure if its just me cherry picking and finding fault with more and more things to avoid actually doing anything..I'm not sure, my mind is just a vicious circle! I will absolutely look into Karl Greenwood- thank you.

Flame_ - I know what you mean, a few people who have hopped on my mare to walk around have said she isn't nasty or actively looking to scare me - she just wants to get on with her work. I think ultimately its the fear of the unknown thats haunting me

Bonnie Allie - a sports psychologist isn't a bad idea, thank you for your helpful reply

OrangeAndLemon- thank you, I will absolutely have a google and see what other help is out there.

maya2008 - you're right, I just feel so sad as I do feel as though I have clicked with her on the ground so well, and I feel like I'm letting myself and her down because she's been passed around so much. I really did buy her to be a horse for life.

Winters100- thank you- I think upon rereading all of these posts, part of the answer is clear- my gelding who died in 2018 was a genuine schoolmaster and that's how I flourished as much as I did (he had his cheeky moments but he was honestly perfect).

Yesterday, I tried to get on and my legs felt heavy, I didn't have the confidence to swing my leg over. I had to sit down for a bit and have a cry- its been an awful past few days and I haven't slept at all. I then managed with the help of a friend on the yard, to sit on her. She said the problem is I think too much- how true!!!

Re my other friend, and sending my mare away, the problem is I don't think I'd be able to visit much because of lockdown and everything else. I have seen her yard before and its a nice/quiet setup- I suppose its weighing up the pro's and cons of everything, as sometimes I feel I can't do right for doing wrong. she seemed to want to have other people involved who are on her yard (YO and someone else, who I have never met) - they are meant to be competent, but I'm not sure that's something I'd feel comfortable with.

I just wish I had the happiness in myself to do what I used to- it feels as though everything I enjoy or have enjoyed is being etched away.

but honestly- thank you so much everyone for your help.

xx

 

[Trouper]

May I just add that I see a thread of grief running thro everything you have said to us and maybe, just maybe, that might be the place to start to get the help you need. The Cruse voluntary organisation provides invaluable help and talking to one of their counsellors might be a good starting point. They also might have suggestions of other organisations to help with your mental health if access to your GP is proving difficult.

 

[maya2008]

If you find the right home, selling the one you have now isn’t necessarily a bad thing for the horse.

I have sold two horses, the first one because she honestly did not want to do anything we do regularly (hated hacking, dressage and wasn’t any good at jumping). She went to become a mounted games pony and when I visited her, she was SO happy. She was loving life, she had found her niche and her person. I went away from that visit really happy - she had come to us scared and almost unrideable. She had left trained, rideable but spooky and had now found her thing.

The second pony I sold on, had lost her rider and I was not in a position to give her the time she needed due to pregnancy. She was sweet and lovely and really wanted her own person. She went on to do really well and become a wonderful, fun teenager’s pony.

Both benefitted from being sold on, and were happier doing their new jobs. Both were initially bought because I felt sorry for them and they needed somewhere kind to regain their trust and learn. They weren’t bought because they were ‘perfect’ for me.

That said, we bought two ponies a couple of years ago - one for my husband and one who was intended for my son. My husband’s gelding adores him and now they are inseparable. The smaller one prefers me, and my mare made it clear she wanted to be my daughter’s pony (to be fair she doesn’t like sharing and has always wanted her ‘own’ person!). So I have the little one. She likes my son on the ground, but he doesn’t give her enough confidence as a rider and it just upsets her. She prefers a confident, unflappable rider.

 

[Amun]

I'm really sorry that after all that you've been through you ended up will a lame horse. I experienced something slightly similar, my RS gave me a new horse and "forgot" to mention that he came from a very bad conditions. he had so horrible spooking issues that I refused to work with him shortly after and my confidence was literally trampled to the ground. Tbh I still can't believe they gave me this horse. But based on this, if I were you I would sell the horse and search for a non problematic one - a horse that would help you to find your peace and confidence again. Or if you are not ready for this decision, I would take the offer of your friend.

 

[Annagain]

You've had lots of great advice about your confidence so I'm just going to give you some about the mounting issue if you decide you want to tackle it. I've had the issue with two of mine and tackled it in different ways each time because my situation was different but both worked equally well. I think tackling it yourself might just be the confidence boost you need to get you started on an upwards trajectory.

The first time I had a helper. His issue was walking off before I could get on. We started off with helper holding him and treating once I was on. We then moved on to helper just standing there and treating once I was on, then a few steps away, then hiding round the corner. It took about 3 weeks but we never had a specific session on mounting, we just did it at the start of every ride.

The latest one didn't walk off but would spin his bum away - he just didn't understand what he was meant to do. I've been on my own with him a lot more so had to sort it myself. I asked a friend who is a Monty Roberts accredited trainer for advice and she said to forget about riding until we'd sorted mounting so we did a few targeted sessions and within 3 days he was standing perfectly and still is 6 months on. I started just leading him to the block and giving him lots of praise and the occasional treat for standing still. If he moved, I didn't say a word or look at him but just took him back to the block and started again. Once he was doing that happily I started climbing onto the block - again if he moved, I'd reposition him quietly and praise once he was standing still. Treats at this point were counterproductive as he started backing up to look for them so we just praised him and gave lots of lovely scratches on the other side of his neck so I'd have to lean over him a bit. We then progressed to putting some weight on him - just leaning on him (he's too big to lean over) and then a foot in the stirrup and lots and lots of praise before actually getting on. I did give him a few treats from the saddle at first but by session 3 he didn't need them. I spent about 45 minutes the first day to get to the point where I managed to get on and immediately off 3 times in a row without him moving. The second day took 15 minutes and the third day as long as it takes to get on and off 3 times so about 90 seconds! He had a slight relapse about a fortnight later where he appeared to have forgotten but it was sorted in 5 minutes with a quick reminder session.

The other thing you can do (to help your confidence more than anything) is put the mounting block in the corner of the arena about 1m away from the wall / fence in both directions so you create an L shaped corridor. Bring the horse between the block and the fence so she's facing a dead end straight ahead but she has a route out to the side - that way she feels she's got nowhere to go but when you're on and happy, you can ask her to walk forwards and turn to get away from the block. That way she's always moving away from the block forwards and the idea of backing up isn't in her mind.

Good luck with it!

 

[Lipglosspukka]

Why don't you contact Sophie Seymour. Tell her everything. She might be willing to take your horse on.

 

[throwawayaccount]

just thought i'd come back with an update..

I've decided to give myself a bit of a kick up the backside and take control of things, i've been in touch with my GP and trying to get more counselling and to try a different medication.

I've popped the radio on for while I have our sessions, just to tune out the sound of my own negativity and to concentrate on a pop song.

Another thing that helped was trying to help myself imagine that I was about to hop on one of my old horses, and then to remind myself how lucky I am to be in the position to ride.

on Wednesday I managed to get enough courage to mount her on my own, walk a few steps, then hop off. Break it all up with a good scratch til she's relaxed, walk inhand etc, try again. Each time walk a little longer.

Yesterday I did the same and managed to walk two big circles on my own.

I'm still a bit shakey but hoping things will improve.

Thank you to everyone for all of their help x

 

[skint1]

This is brilliant news throwawayacccount! Onward and upwards for you and your girl

 

[fredflop]

You've had lots of great advice about your confidence so I'm just going to give you some about the mounting issue if you decide you want to tackle it. I've had the issue with two of mine and tackled it in different ways each time because my situation was different but both worked equally well. I think tackling it yourself might just be the confidence boost you need to get you started on an upwards trajectory.

The first time I had a helper. His issue was walking off before I could get on. We started off with helper holding him and treating once I was on. We then moved on to helper just standing there and treating once I was on, then a few steps away, then hiding round the corner. It took about 3 weeks but we never had a specific session on mounting, we just did it at the start of every ride.

The latest one didn't walk off but would spin his bum away - he just didn't understand what he was meant to do. I've been on my own with him a lot more so had to sort it myself. I asked a friend who is a Monty Roberts accredited trainer for advice and she said to forget about riding until we'd sorted mounting so we did a few targeted sessions and within 3 days he was standing perfectly and still is 6 months on. I started just leading him to the block and giving him lots of praise and the occasional treat for standing still. If he moved, I didn't say a word or look at him but just took him back to the block and started again. Once he was doing that happily I started climbing onto the block - again if he moved, I'd reposition him quietly and praise once he was standing still. Treats at this point were counterproductive as he started backing up to look for them so we just praised him and gave lots of lovely scratches on the other side of his neck so I'd have to lean over him a bit. We then progressed to putting some weight on him - just leaning on him (he's too big to lean over) and then a foot in the stirrup and lots and lots of praise before actually getting on. I did give him a few treats from the saddle at first but by session 3 he didn't need them. I spent about 45 minutes the first day to get to the point where I managed to get on and immediately off 3 times in a row without him moving. The second day took 15 minutes and the third day as long as it takes to get on and off 3 times so about 90 seconds! He had a slight relapse about a fortnight later where he appeared to have forgotten but it was sorted in 5 minutes with a quick reminder session.

The other thing you can do (to help your confidence more than anything) is put the mounting block in the corner of the arena about 1m away from the wall / fence in both directions so you create an L shaped corridor. Bring the horse between the block and the fence so she's facing a dead end straight ahead but she has a route out to the side - that way she feels she's got nowhere to go but when you're on and happy, you can ask her to walk forwards and turn to get away from the block. That way she's always moving away from the block forwards and the idea of backing up isn't in her mind.

Good luck with it!

please don’t ever ever ever position a horse to block it in to mount. I did once and I was increadibly lucky not to have been seriously injured

 

[Flame_]

please don’t ever ever ever position a horse to block it in to mount. I did once and I was increadibly lucky not to have been seriously injured

I got seriously injured until I was taught to get on my horse with a wall, or at least a corner in front of her to head her into before she could get up any speed. It does help and if you're going to ride these horses you've got to do whatever works. Mine was properly nuts though, if this horse is just a bit keen and tense hopefully it will lesson and be easier to work with as the op's confidence grows. OP, if you do this kind of thing, always leave a bit of room for forward movement as you get on - don't mount right up facing a wall or corner so the horse has nowhere to move forward to.

Great update op, best of luck

 

[the_sophies]

What you are feeling is normal. I am going to try to be brief (brought this old account out of retirement just to post, so bear with me). If you like this horse it is worth persevering. I have had years of thinking "what the hell am I doing?, why can't I feel as brave as I used to?" etc etc BUT - its worth remembering that horses come into your life for a reason (even if its just to tell you you need to sell it!)... I believe that anyway.

So she is in your life now and whatever you go through with her is what you are supposed to be doing right now. Dont think about "oh why aren't I doing x y or z?", you and she are on a journey and just getting on is an achievement, believe me!

And then if you really assess the situation critically and think "oh I've thought about this, I'd be better with a schoolmaster", there is no shame in that either. X

 

[Apizz2019]

throwaway account, i'm registered but tend to lurk.

any advice would be massively appreciated..

i've always had horses and at one point I had 3, I wish I could go back to that point in my life! 2016-2017, I brought on a project pony, and had my two lovely permanent ones, one who I competed. it was such a fun and happy time with the horses. just sitting in their field with them and enjoying their company, to riding out with friends and having fun at shows.

in 2018 my horse was pts due to melanoma and this utterly broke me, he was literally my dream horse and brought me from being scared to jump an X pole to flying 1m30 at home, and competing up to 90m, cantering around tackless etc.. the whole experience was traumatic. I still had my old girl who I kept going for, and got a project pony, a nice gelding in who I ended up jumping up to 75cm competitively. he put me in hospital several times and at first I wasn't scared to get back on him but eventually I was. my mental health was getting worse (I suffer with depression and anxiety) and he got progressively worse- I had everything checked (back, saddle, teeth, feet, different opinions, vet checks, trainers) and in the end I came to the conclusion that i'd had enough and was just going to give up. it got to the point where he'd nap to the arena, rear, spin. couldn't hack..couldn't do anything. he went to my friend and I gave up riding.

I went through a terrible personal loss in Summer 2019 which absolutely broke me. I lost 4 stone in the space of a month. my mental health got progressively worse.

my old pony then died at the end of 2019. she just dropped dead in the field at almost 30.

I decided to get a horse again at the end of April 2020, bought unseen. a really stupid mistake but I felt so alone. the mare is lovely and is honestly such a lovely 'person', she is just a really sweet horse. she is also smart and sensitive. unfortunately fairly quickly I realised she was lame and uncomfortable- whenever I went to mount her at the mounting block she'd spin round and round it , or as soon as you put your foot in the stirrup she moves off with you. for some reason this terrifies me as i have the ingrained image of being dragged!! she was also moving incorrectly and it transpired her suspensory ligament had been done in. so it has been a long vet route of trying to get her sound but I felt as though we bonded well on the ground. I did a lot of digging on her past and found out that she had been through the auctions and essentially hammered- poor girl. I barely rode at all last year, apart from seeing my friends and riding their ponies (no issues). my horse can be turned out now as normal and always runs up to see me when she spots me approaching the field (saves wading through the mud!) and she is coming back into work. she has just had her teeth done and saddle checked, all is ok for now. she has the farrier next week and also physio.

the problem is she still has the mounting block issue. i have done groundwork with her and i'm teaching her to stand, and she does to an extent, but still walks off. i've had a few lessons with an instructor- i haven't ridden- she has just done the groundwork and got on/off. all i want to do is ride my horse and im petrified i cant manage her and feel as though the break and my worsening mental health is just making me an absolute wreck. the problem is absolutely me. for the saddle fitter last week i had to hop on and luckily i had someone to hold my stirrup for me and they led me around on her- eventually i relaxed and felt ok!!!!! and got off happily. but its getting back on that fills me with dread. she is due another scan in april to fully ascertain her ridden career- ie, whether she'll be able to jump or not, or if she'll just be a happy hack.

im getting older, im now approaching the late end of my 20s and my confidence isn't what it was- i suppose its always been an issue but now its just...awful. i've been to the GP and i've been off/on antidepressants and had counselling but the problem is whats in my head is broken and i can't fix it.

my yard is big and i get on with almost everyone, i just wish i had my best friends with me- the ones i grew up with riding and trust implicitly. i feel alone, i can't always ask for help.

my friend who lives in my old area has offered to take my mare on and get her started, which i'm seriously considering, as having my horse and paying out a fortune is causing a lot of rows with my partner- but thats another story ! he says horses are a money pit, especially mine who seems to have had a rough past.

the point of this thread is, what do I do?

do I give up completely , does confidence ever truly come back the older we get?

should I send her to my friend and then go from there?

I am based in cheshire east - if anyone could help me I'd be so grateful

thanks for reading xx

I don't have any advice for you but it sounds like you've been through an incredibly tough time and I'm sorry to hear this.

Be kind to yourself.

I know that doesnt address how you're feeling but maybe the traumatic events you've suffered have had a knock on effect.

I hope you find the best solution for you, your horses and you find your happy place.

Sending hugs and well wishes xx