Lost confidence after bad accident- will it come back?

[kirstie]

Sorry if this is long...

I had a bad accident in September and broke my back. Fell badly from a young horse at work. The accident was very painful, I spent weeks on my back in hospital, the break was unstable, so even when I was allowed to move around a bit in my back brace, I had to be careful for a month or so, one false move... You get the picture.
I had a long time on morphine, had to have personal care for ages as I couldn't do anything for myself, it was a real nasty shock to me.

My recovery has been "remarkable" according to my doctor and after what feels like an eternity, I am finally allowed to ride again.
My horse is a 6yo 17hh Trakehner mare, lovely, talented but also sharp and tricky at times. She has had a holiday whilst I've been recovering, on livery.
I used to work with horses as a dressage rider/ head girl. I was always very confident, rode to a good standard, wasn't particularly phased by anything and would get on most horses within reason without a second thought.
I was very worried before I got back on that I wouldn't be as good as I used to be, would be more cautious, worried etc.

I have been bringing my girl back into work the past two weeks, just in walk, a mixture of schooling and hacking. She has been as good as gold really, considering she has been in quite a bit lately because of her own injuries (all better now) and I thought we were doing well until today.

We were just coming back from a nice hack when something set her off, as well as the horses in the fields next to us. We were coming up a track where her TO field is situated. The other horses started running around and she just seemed to lose the plot.
She started flinging herself around, leaping, then running backwards, nearly into an electris fence. I somehow managed to stop her doing that and then I just seemed to freeze.
I remember seriously thinking about bailing out. She wasn't doing anything terrible by any means, just the sheer feeling of uncontrolled power really panicked me. She ended up running into a hedge head first, I ended up chewing branches before I pulled myself together and got her out and together.
She has cut her face where there was barbed wire in the hedge
I managed to get some control and we passage'd back to the yard with the horses an the fields going mad next to her and got back in one piece.

I just feel really rubbish now. I know she is sharp and reactive, she is a dressage horse and it is how she has always been.
Before the accident I would have been in control of the situation before it escalated and I wouldn't have thought anything of it. I probably would have laughed at her, and there is no way I would have let her run into a hedge!

I remember thinking when the young horse was trying to get me off how bloody powerful he was, it was almost like I had a flash back whilst she was leaping about and I just froze.

I'm sorry this is so long, thanks if you've managed to get this far.
I'm just really worried that I've lost my nerve and when she does have her silly moments I'm just not going to cope with it well anymore

 

[LEC]

I do not blame you for feeling like this after what you have been through.

Personally some time and patience and I can also highly recommend Jo Cooper. Jo specialises in something called TFT (Thought Field Therapy) which was initially developed for severe trauma victims and which she now used successfully in equestrian.

http://www.equestrianconfidence.com/

I have used Jo myself and cannot explain why it works but it does! For me I had some falls at fillers due to a very spooky horse and then ended up having a complete melt down at an event one day. It was affecting my nerves and before that I was never phased by showjumping. I had TFT and have not really looked back.

 

[brushingboots]

Yes, It will come back. I've had the same problems for 3 years - a major loss of confidence after falling off and breaking my leg.

Going round Munstead BE the other day, I felt confident for the first time since my accident!
I'm not going to lie and say it was easy getting my confidence back - 3 years is a long time and i had a lot of tears, tantrums and more bad times along the way, but when it comes back, it feels great

 

[carnivalg]

Yes it will come back, know how you feel. My dressage mare threw me off 4 years ago and i broke my ankle. She is very quicrky and sharp and after i got back on we went through a really hard time as i thought serioulsly about selling her as i had gone from a confident good rider to a wreck, every spook and i bricked it. I went on a riding holiday with her and some friends and spent most of the time getting off !!as i was so nervous and felt safer on the ground!!! As time went on and with the help of lots of good freinds my confidence came back.
Hang in there.x

 

[OneInAMillion]

I can sympathise with you 100%
When I first started riding I was VERY gung-ho, as far as I was concerned it was go faster and jump higher. I was having a lesson and the horse I was on bucked and apparently threw me about 20ft into the air. I landed straight down on the top of my head and nearly broke my neck. I was very concussed for a week and very sore.
I was so desperate to get back riding and I got back on and just broke down crying as I was terrified as the horse went into walk. I spent months gaining confidence on a lead rein and then on my own slowly, one step at a time. Now, 6 years later, I would say I am a confident rider, but on a horse that bucks I ride with that fall in the back of my mind. Hence the reason I'm happy on a rearer rather than bucker!

You have to start off at your own pace. Ride with someone all the time. Don't feel pressured into the fact you HAVE to do this, or you HAVE to do that, only you know when the time is right to take on the next step. xx

 

[kirstie]

Thank you very much for your replies!

I got on a safe ploddy horse the first time I rode, before I got on her, walked, trotted, cantered, no problems at all. I have felt fine on her up til today, it just felt like she lost her own self preservation and there was just so much power there I just froze. I really thought I was going to be hurt again.

She is a lovely horse, I trust her in that she won't chuck me off maliciously but she will always have that hotness about her. I just want to laugh it off like I used to and ride her through it.

Hopefully it will come in time, I guess the more I ride the better I should start feeling.

 

[MrsMozart]

Sounds like some counselling of some sort would help. The flashback would appear to be the problem.

I broke my back at the end of July last year. It's the second bad accident (bleed on the brain) - I've only had the horse for just over two years.


I started riding again at the start of February, but then had a stinking cold, so riding has been limited. I haven't jumped her (came off at the apex of a jump, my fault, I was ill and shouldn't have been riding at all, never mind jumping!). Haven't jumped her since, or jumped anything. No idea if I'll be able to. I've been working on the canter work, as that's what we were doing the first time I came off. Was scared silly. Took months and months and months to get my nerve back. Surprisingly enough, it's better now after the second fall than it was before, if that makes sense. I know what went wrong and I know that there is a good chance that she will do the silly head thing again (which she does) and that I may well lose a stirrup, so now I know, I get myself sorted out. Heels are well down before we canter, I ride a hole shorter, I allow myself to grab mane/breastplate if I feel the need, etc. etc. etc.

What I'm trying to say, and taking a blinking long time to say it(!), is take it easy and steady. Little steps. You're an experienced rider, but give yourself tips and things to help you feel safe. Mine is 'heels down!', because from that comes the security to sit most of what the Dizz will throw at me.

 

[angelish]

you already have some good advice, just wanted to say good luck and you have already come so far ,try to think of what you have already achived rather than get hung up on the negatives

 

[kirstie]

Thank you very much everyone, it's good to know I'm not the only one.

I'm fine doing normal stuff, can't wait to really get her going, start having lessons and competing again, it's just when she has her 'moments' I need to not freeze. Her poor nose looks a right mess, am hoping it won't scar.

I just thought I was going to break my back again, although she didn't actually do anything unseating. She just feels very 'dangerous' if you know what I mean? Like an unexploded bomb about to go off. She didnt know which way to turn and I gave her no direction whatsoever So running into a hedge was the most appealing option. As soon as I got myself together she was fine, lovely passage but I am kicking myself now and feel very disappointed in myself.

I don't know how I'm going to address it yet but I have too. I can't have a horse like that if I'm too scared to ride her properly.

 

[Honey08]

Hi Kirstie. You'll be fine. Just give yourself a bit of time and hack out with other horses that she can take confidence from until you get yours back.

I've not long been back on mine, after not riding her for over a year, and am finding her too much less confident and more spooky. Like sitting on a firework that the touchpaper has been lit - knowing it will go off, not knowing when. It doesn't help!

Nice to hear that you're back on board and doing well (you are!).x