Lost Confidence

J

Jacqs

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Hi, I am after some advice regarding my daughter and her pony please.
My daughter is 9 and she has a little 11hh dartmoor pony. He is quite a spookyvlittle chap, dominant in the herd but very easily spooked both in the school and out hacking.
My little girl has now had several falls due to him spooking and he has tanked off with her out hacking. She had another fall this week which left her bruised and sore. Her confidence has taken a huge nose dive to the point where tonight she cried and had a panic attack at the thought of getting on him.
I have asked her how we can help her to gain her confidence back but she does not know. I offered to put her on a lead rein but even that was met with a sob and a firm no.
I am now thinking he is not the right pony for her as he just spooks too easily but she does love him. She has had him a year now and the episodes of spooking seem to be increasing. However shecsays she does not want me to look for a more bombproof pony!
Any ideas as to how I can help them both please?
Thanks
 
Has the pony's feed or routine changed at all? Is his saddle fitting, back been checked and teeth been attended to recently? If these have been sorted then you need to desensitize this pony in-hand. Get him walking over tarpaulins, going under washing lines, walking past flapping plastic bags, get people going past with umbrellas etc. What spooks him in the first place? How old is the pony?

If she wants to ride him then I would put her back on the lead rein. You are the adult, therefore responsible for her and (in theory!) know more than your daughter. We had a confidence crisis with my son and his pony last year. It took a couple of months to sort out but I got him some private lessons, not only on his pony but also went to a riding school for a couple to show him that he could ride. He gained a lot of confidence from these and it was well worth the extra money.

What did he do when he tanked off? Was it a spook or a head down and away I go type of tank? I put my son's pony in grass reins occasionally as she has learned through her riding school days that she can get the better of a child and put her head down. Defeated with grass reins! :)

I hope that helps.
 
Your the adult. She may stomp her feet and cry for a day but a new pony will soon stop that. Don't endanger your child because she at 9yo doesn't want to sell the dangerous pony you pay for.
 
I think the only way to get confidence back is to ride ponies that don't ditch you at every opportunity. The trust is gone with this one if it's got to the point of having a panic attack before riding. a sure way to put anyone off riding I would have thought.
 
Something very similar happened to my daughter - and probably at about the same age. She had a nasty accident with a pony we were trialing for BS (not pony's or her fault). She went though the summer fine but come the indoor season her confidence just tanked. We didn't have that pony anymore; but we had others. I'll write you a bit of an essay and hopefully something in it will help you! None of this is intended to judge you or pressure you in any way - its rough being a parent!

First off - don't ask her what you can do to help her - don't put that burden on her. At 9 she cannot express what she needs - even if she has the life experience and the maturity to appreciate it. Do the research about what is available and help her try the various options in a supportive and reflective way. I read the "confidence" books and then talked her through things like positive visualization, planning, tapping etc. We tried a couple of sessions of NLP - you have to be careful to find a practitioner trained to deal with children. We went to a couple of confidence workshops - one was definitely BS, I think the other might actually have been BE. Get a really good, really sympathetic instructor - and then listen to your daughter about whether she likes them or not. Don't be afraid to go through a few. We had different instructors at different stages, twice going back to ones she had initially rejected because she was in a different place and needed what they had to offer. Its a tough balancing act being child centered enough to listen to her but also without placing the burden of finding the solution on her.

At the same time - back off her completely. If she wants to ride, great. If she wants to come up and groom, great too. For us we took about 9 months out of competition. We had other ponies so we were able to focus on the one she felt safe with. The ones with us to compete went back to owners because we were out of competition at the time and I know she hated that - but we had no choice. In your place can you see if you can loan something super safe for a while? Or take on a share on something bomb proof? Don't sell the naughty pony yet if you can avoid it - it will feel like a punishment for her "failure". She may well come to the point she is more relaxed about selling - or she might get back on him. But if you are in a position to take that pressure away then do it. Riding school lessons - at the right school - may be an option. Perhaps speak to your local PC DC or your instructor to see if you can find something for a short while. But that said if the grown up reality of it is that you can't keep two ponies then talk to her about it.

And be prepared that she may give up all together. That happens. It is a really hard thing as a parent - but we have to let them free to be their own people. (Ugh - I sound like a hallmark card - but you get the point!)

For us - it took about 9 months. Her confidence never quite returned - but she learned to cope and the desire to go on doing what she wanted to do was greater than her fear of doing it. Now 18 she finished a happy junior tour in BS and then turned her sights to eventing (wish I hadn't taught her her to be brave now...). But it could have gone the other way - she could have given up. And that would have been very difficult for me because I can no longer ride having broken my back in a fall. But it would have been fine too.

Do you best - and then have faith that your best is good enough. Its tough being a parent! Good luck.
 
Ahh..tricky for you both. I do agree that at this age, and with a spooky pony who likely takes his confidence from the rider, the only real solution is to move on to a more suitable pony. Your daughter will need to move on to a larger pony one day anyway, so can you explain the process of finding a good home and moving on now? A shame to lose her desire to ride at this stage when she could enjoy a "safer" mount and build on this. Good luck.
 
Thank you all for your advice.
Our livery yard is also a riding centre. Its a lovely place with great instructors whom my daughter trusts. She has 2 lessons a week and has for over a year now. It's so hard as she loves her pony but I am thinking this is getting worse not better. He has a new saddle and has regular Mctimoney sessions as well as being shod regularly so don't think its a discomfort issue. I do think it's behavioural. He takes advantage of her in hand using his strength to get his own way! Doesn't try it on with me or my son.
When he last tanked off another horse came up fast from behind in the woods and scared him. He went off at a canter and only stopped because a gate stopped him. Bless her she sat to it and stayed on but was so scared and sobbed her heart out! Yesterday she wouldn't ride so my son & I hacked out and she came along on foot. She was so relieved when I said she could do that. She can not control her pony in hand outside of the school due to the strength issue. We have tried grass reins. He is going to be 13 in July so not a green pony!
Shay you are right I need to back off her and take away the pressure.
Thanks again for all the helpful advice. So is the consensus a very careful change of pony?
 
One other thought is maybe a change in his feed. He is on Wessex coarse mix & sugar beet as well as haylege. Do you think a change of diet might help and if so any reccomends as to a possible alternative?
Thanks
 
We had a pony that was naughty when my children were small, it shattered the confidence of my eldest and made the younger one into a fearless determined rider. We were in the fortunate position of being able to buy another one, an absolutely saint of a pony came into our lives, for my eldest and the younger daughter continued to compete successfully with the naughty one. In fact they both went on to have an amazing childhood with their ponies, we kept both ponies until they died of old age. So from my experience, I would sell this one and find another pony for your daughter to enjoy and she will regain her confidence in no time and enjoy her riding again! The hardest part will be finding that Saint of a pony!
 
Have decided to change his diet to a low sugar diet. Going to get my daughter doing some ground work with him to try and rebuild the relationship then if the problem improves great but if it doesnt then i will know we tried everything and will look for another pony. Going to give it a max of 6 weeks to see if the diet change helps.
 
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