Lost my girl

[Dexydoodle]

Lost my girl 2 weeks and 5 days ago. Her arthritis had spread from her hocks to nearside foreleg and she didn't respond to any treatment. She was the sort that would have been a struggle to retire even if she was sound as it was a constant battle to keep weight off her even in full work. So made the difficult decision to call it a day and there's no question it was the right thing to do but it didn't make it any easier. She went having been filled full of haylage and mints and carrots and all the other forbidden things. Stayed with her and kept it together until she was gone.

She was my first horse and im lost without her. Had to clear my stuff out the yard this week so was busy but this weekend was awful. Shes still the first thing in my head when i wake up and hear rain and wind and kept looking for her in the field when i was back at the yard. Ive just got home to the invoice from the lovely lady who dealt with her after the vet came and its really brought it home.

Not sure what im hoping to achieve as i know the only thing that'll make it better is time.

Did anyone find talking about plans/ hopes/them etc helped? I cant do it without crying so just not talking about her in real life at all but i guess that's not particularly a good long term plan

 

[EquiEquestrian556]

I'm so sorry. You are very brave, and she'd of thanked you for it.
<<<<Hugs>>>>
R.I.P. girl xxx

 

[On the Hoof]

I'm really very sorry to hear about your mare, but you have done the right thing by her ..that doesn't make it any easier for you at this point though. Sending <<hugs>>. X

 

[Tobiano]

oh my goodness, so very sorry Dexydoodle. I dont know what you can do to feel better.... just know, if you can, that you did the right thing. Run free your lovely girl x x

 

[Identityincrisis]

It is the hardest thing I've ever done even though I never doubted it was the right thing for my boy.

I was slightly different to most as I decided a month before that I would get him right, pamper him and spend every minute I could with him, then say goodbye. I truly grieved for him while he was still alive, I sobbed and sobbed imto his fuzzy ears and he ignored me as usual! So I felt I'd already grieved and was able to talk about him quite quickly and look at his photos, I'm not saying I didn't cry lots but it was with happy memories. But I know many people who still can't look at pictures years later.

We're all different. You will come out the other side, just give yourself time. I feel for you x

 

[YorksG]

Over many years we have said goodbye to many (they are family horses and we keep them for life) Time works well, as does the fact that we always have more than one at a time, so have to keep going for the ones which are left.
You did the final kindness we can and showed great love and bravery. Some people would disagree with me, but I think the best way to honour his memory is to put all that you learned with him, into looking after another horse who is looking for a good and caring home.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

So sorry I don't think there's much you can do unless you plan on getting another horse soon, which a lady at my yard did this month. I was amazed at her bravery and determination. For me, it was purely time: I waited a few months which was too short for me, but would've been too long for others.

 

[ozpoz]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it is such a hard thing.

I have to agree with YorksG, there are so many lovely horses looking for a good home, and you have proved by your actions that you are a great owner.
Don't try to replace her, you won't, but find the space to put all you have learned with her to very good use.
xx

 

[Dexydoodle]

Its what i keep trying to hold onto that it was the right thing, the vet agreed it was the right thing and he knew her well but my brain keeps playing tricks on me and telling me i killed her and i didnt try hard enough and if I'd tried more she'd still be here. I know there was nothing left to try but my brain seems determined to make this worse currently.

She was such a lovely lovely horse. Even my friend who didnt like mares loved her!

Something about fuzzy ears arent there identitycrisis. Hers were big teddy bear ears, my favourite spot was where her neck met the back of her jaw, so soft and smelt so horsey. Was having a good snuggle in there the day the vet said we'd got no treatments left to try. Oddly photos mostly i can manage but her saddle is in the cupboard in my spare room and i have some tail hair to make into a bracelet thats in there too but cant go in there currently.

Not helped by people at work who just dont get it and ask if im ok now as it was a couple of weeks ago. Mostly non animal people i work with!!

 

[ozpoz]

No, they will have no idea what you are going through... horse owners will understand, though.

 

[Dexydoodle]

Thanks all.

Cant get another at the moment. The insurance wont pay out - knew they wouldn't as apparently being lame and in pain doesnt meet the beva gguideines so knew when i made the decision but couldn't let it influence me. So cant afford another right now which is probably a good thing - i dont want to rush into buying something unsuitable as a knee jerk reaction. I also had an accident in Aug and havent ridden since - i needed knee surgery and extensive physio so aside from the fact my last real ride on Dexy was when i had my accident I've not ridden since so want to get that mojo back before i go shopping for another.

Thank you. Its good to be able to talk to people who understand

 

[Tern]

First of all, hugs. I lost my pony two months ago on Thursday.

You will take time to grieve.. I stopped crying after a few days but I still get upset talking about him now. xx

Did you take a piece of her tail, if so have a bracelet made. If not, you could get a drawing done of her!

Things I found that helped was to nut rush things, you can't rush grieving and you will stop grieving so heavily when you feel ready, you can not force these things. Are you planning to get another horse? Either way don't think you're ever going to replace her or that you have not done her well by giving up. I am sure that horse loved you with all her heart and you made the hardest and bravest decision by putting her to sleep when she wasn't on "death's door" so to say. ie. she didn't have colic and you had the choice of surgery or pts. In my humble opinion your made a very brave decision and you know that is was best for her you just need time to process it all. xx

 

[nikkitodhunter]

I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can say is that I, and I'm sure everyone else horsey, understand how devastated you are.

I lost the first & only horse I've ever owned several years ago now, and all I can tell you is that time will make it easier to remember the good times, and that eventually that will overtake the pain. Take as long as you need - I didn't ride for 2 years after I lost Taz - but eventually I realised that the best way to honour her memory was to carry on with everything she taught me.

Everyone copes in different ways - sometimes I still tear up talking about it, and I think of her almost every day. But it shows that you loved her, and still love her, and you know deep down that you did right by her. Remember that she didn't feel any pain or fear when she was put to sleep - she just knew that she was loved, right until the end. <3

 

[meesha]

So sorry, you did the right thing x

 

[Fransurrey]

Sorry for your loss, DD. Remember that even if there had been other treatments, arthritis doesn't have a cure. Care is palliative at best, so you did the right thing. Every so often I pang at the thought of having my beloved Rosco (cat with oral cancer) pts because he was still full of life. Making that decision saves them the inevitable agony later. Take care. Xx

 

[Dexydoodle]

Tern - yes i did and have picked what i want just cant bring myself to wash the hair and send it off. She had the most humungous tail and even with a load out of it you probably could have made 2 more tails for those horses who were less well tail endowed! Sorry to hear about your boy

Nikkitodhunter sorry to hear about yours too. And she did. Probably thought i was getting soft as she probably had more treats in that last 3 days than she'd had in the previous 3 months!!

Sorry to all of you who've lost, part of horse ownership but boy is it hard! Do feel lucky to have had such a lovely girl in my life who made horse ownership so easy and was so well loved.

 

[JLD]

So much sympathy for you. I was in a very similar place with my boy 2 years ago - arthritis spreading nothing left to try except retiring but he would have been difficult as his arthritis made him unpredictable and he was just too big to be chucking himself about at head height at random with no warning. This from the quietest horse ever and he was in pain so I let him go before his life became unbearable or he hurt someone. He was only 15 and also my first horse. But to the outside observer he seemed ok so I felt judged even though I probably wasn't. Only you really know your horse and you know you made the right call. Be at peace with yourself. It was a brave and true thing you did for your girl.

 

[Dexydoodle]

Jld know what you mean about the feeling judged. She still came trotting over to me whinnying every time i went to the yard (trotting visibly lame) but other people would have dealt with it differently and one of my 'friends' from work who had horses as a child said surely i should keep her going and a day too late was better than a day too early (paraphrasing). Dont agree at all but it did make me think people are judging. Am managing to be strong about that as i know it was the right thing for her so they can do one but it doesnt stop my brain saying to me you should have tried x/y/z even though there weren't any options left to try.

And i totally empathise - she was only 17. I know people have lost them far younger and i dont mean to take away from that but she should have had so many years for us to have fun together. Wanted to do my first ever riding camp and beach ride and and and... i have lovely memories, just need to get over this wobbly bit first!!

 

[Pipsqueak!]

Sorry for your loss, it sounds like you made the right decision. Chin up x

 

[tashcat]

My heart goes out to you, hugs x

 

[Highlands]

Just feel for you, been there and it's so hard. Thoughts with you

 

[splashgirl45]

so sorry you have had to go through this..it will get easier with time...arthritis is very painful and if it cannot be controlled with pain relief it can be unbearable..just ask anyone who has it....so you have done the right thing for her as her quality of life would not have got better....hope you can soon think of the good times and forget the last day...

 

[charlie76]

So sorry. Xx

 

[Mike007]

The person I have respected most in my life ,once said to me "that a man (and presumably woman) who couldnt cry at the loss of a horse ,was not a man he wished to know. It hurts so much ,but again he said when my horses time came,"Its the last kindness you can do for a friend"He also told me to take a walk around the yard while he held my horse and saw him through his pain. The gunshot cut me in half!. But when I saw my old boy, all the age and pain was gone from his face. Rest in peace starlight ,and rest in peace Jack Bines who taught me how to be a Man.

 

[Spotsrock]

Lost my mare in October and am at peace with the decision and relieved that her periods of pain are over. I
Was a mess on the day but have felt this way since. Her loss gets less acute and I am now able to smile when the daughter I named after her shows signs of liking having her ears rubbed just like the old girl did, normal for a horse, not so much for a 2 month old baby perhaps, just maybe she's still around somehow...

Right decision so be brave, grieve and look to the future.

 

[horsebenny]

Sorry to hear this. It's so tough but let yourself grieve, I found it's the only way. Time doesn't make you forget but you learn how to live with it and around it. Hoping today will be better than yesterday...

 

[Dexydoodle]

Thanks all. Today is definitely better, sleep helps. Think it was getting home to the invoice from the lady who dealt with taking her away that just brought it all back to the surface. had been away for over a week after it was done so this weekend was my first weekend at home and was lost without the yard/ horse - what on earth do non horsey people fill their weekends with?!

 

[Dexydoodle]

Hopefully this works - last time I couldn't figure out how to get pictures onto the post. Oh god it has worked but they're massive - SORRY!

 

[stormclouds]

Oh gosh I'm so so sorry to hear like others have said, it sounds like you made the right decision, and whatever the 'friend' at work says about a day too late being better... absolute rubbish. Better that your memories of her are pain-free and happy, the mare that you knew, rather than a horse in pain and not enjoying life. PM me if you fancy a coffee/chat with someone, talking to outsiders can often me easier xxx

 

[Merrymoles]

What lovely pictures to remember her by.

I think everyone on here would say "better a day too early than a day too late" but I do understand why you are thinking "what if" at the moment. I lost my first horse to colic and it has taken me a long time to get past the "what if" stage, even though I knew at the time it was completely the right decision.

It is always heartbreaking but you will, in time, find comfort in knowing you did the right thing. Sending you hugs - nothing will ease the hurt for a while but it will get better, I promise.