Managing my grief

You have my deepest sympathies. I lost Catembi in 2007 to protein losing enteropathy after a hard fought 6-month battle which was all the more cruel as 13 days previously he'd been discharged & I really thought we'd won. I felt just the same as you regarding whether I did the right thing in pulling the plug when I did. Even now, I can't bear it. Like you, I was simply completely & utterly devastated, & couldn't see a way forward.

I've had three other horses since, and still own two. I have tried and tried to 'get over' Catembi & not be stuck in the past; it seems wrong to cry whenever I think about him. Sometimes if I'm feeling ebullient, I can think back over some of the brilliant times we had & be happy, but more often, I can't bear to think about him and I can very seldom talk about him. I have his photos in a box so that I know where they are, but I couldn't have a picture of him where I could see it.

I have 'managed' by finally accepting that things will never 'go back to normal'. This is my new normal. I now know that it's possible to throw all the money and love and dedication in the world at a problem, and still lose, and I can't un-know it. I can no longer blithely assume that nothing bad is going to happen because I know all too well that nothing is forever. My relationship with all my other horses and pets is different because I can't love 'blindly' any more. I love them, but in a less naive way.

I have dragged myself out of the pit of despair by locking Catembi up in a very safe place in my heart, in which I keep all the grief contained. Like my box of photos, I visit it infrequently; it's enough to know it's there. I don't need to look at it. I really hope that you can do what most people do in that time is a great healer, and that eventually you will be able to think back on all the happy times, etc etc. But if you can't - don't feel that you've failed. I have accepted that no matter what I do or how much I read about closure & moving on, I can't do it for this one thing. So I don't try, and I don't beat myself up for not being able to let go, or come to terms with it, or whatever. I accept that there will always be a bruised spot on my heart, and that the bruise won't hurt unless I press on it. So I have trained myself not to press on it.

Please ignore all the above if it doesn't make any sense - what makes perfect sense to me might be utter rubbish to anyone else.

I really hope you find a way to manage this much pain. You can always PM me if it would help.

Tracey x
 
fuzzymooch said:
Wizgirl the letter writing sounds like a great idea, very cathartic. I wrote D a poem when i lost him, that was 2003, i still miss him, i wish my kids could play with him. I don't remember two years of my life, that's the gap between loosing him and starting to go out with my now husband. Not long after which i got my youngster E. He was only with us a short time, we lost him at 4. I didn't think I'd cope not having lost my dream pony and now the baby. Then one day a very special little black horse entered my world and has seen me through a lot of ups and downs from loosing my mum to having my girls. I can only say that as robin of Sherwood said nothings forgotten, nothings ever forgotten, it's very true, you don't forget, but eventually you think more about the good times than the trauma at the end. Hug your other furry and remember your in this together, he or she lost a friend too.
Talk to them, cry in that furry neck and know one day it will get better even if it doesn't seem like it. You'll always miss him but you'll find yourself telling people of the time you did this or that and smile.
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Thanks for your message, I have spent ages talking to Twizz....yes Twizzle and Wiz(both named before I had them. I feel terrible that he doesn't understand his friend has diespd ans that I did everything I could for him. I tell him too that I will look after him just as well, hence a friend for him arriving so he won't be lonely. I really hope he's looking down on me and knows that I love him xxx
 
catembi said:
You have my deepest sympathies. I lost Catembi in 2007 to protein losing enteropathy after a hard fought 6-month battle which was all the more cruel as 13 days previously he'd been discharged & I really thought we'd won. I felt just the same as you regarding whether I did the right thing in pulling the plug when I did. Even now, I can't bear it. Like you, I was simply completely & utterly devastated, & couldn't see a way forward.

I've had three other horses since, and still own two. I have tried and tried to 'get over' Catembi & not be stuck in the past; it seems wrong to cry whenever I think about him. Sometimes if I'm feeling ebullient, I can think back over some of the brilliant times we had & be happy, but more often, I can't bear to think about him and I can very seldom talk about him. I have his photos in a box so that I know where they are, but I couldn't have a picture of him where I could see it.

I have 'managed' by finally accepting that things will never 'go back to normal'. This is my new normal. I now know that it's possible to throw all the money and love and dedication in the world at a problem, and still lose, and I can't un-know it. I can no longer blithely assume that nothing bad is going to happen because I know all too well that nothing is forever. My relationship with all my other horses and pets is different because I can't love 'blindly' any more. I love them, but in a less naive way.

I have dragged myself out of the pit of despair by locking Catembi up in a very safe place in my heart, in which I keep all the grief contained. Like my box of photos, I visit it infrequently; it's enough to know it's there. I don't need to look at it. I really hope that you can do what most people do in that time is a great healer, and that eventually you will be able to think back on all the happy times, etc etc. But if you can't - don't feel that you've failed. I have accepted that no matter what I do or how much I read about closure & moving on, I can't do it for this one thing. So I don't try, and I don't beat myself up for not being able to let go, or come to terms with it, or whatever. I accept that there will always be a bruised spot on my heart, and that the bruise won't hurt unless I press on it. So I have trained myself not to press on it.

Please ignore all the above if it doesn't make any sense - what makes perfect sense to me might be utter rubbish to anyone else.

I really hope you find a way to manage this much pain. You can always PM me if it would help.

Tracey x
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Thanks so much for sharing your story Tracey and I am so sorry you lost your baby too. Mr Wiz consumes every thought and action and I feel your total pain too when I read your story. Wiz is the only thing that has ever loved me unconditionally and we healed each other. I didn't feel like I owned him, I felt that we had chosen each other and he had decided I was a good candidate for his love and his heart. He trusted me completely and I feel that I have failed him so totally by not managing to pull him through.

The pain is excruciating xxx

You are quite right when you say, money can't solve everything. We told the equine hospital that money was no object and even that couldn't save him, I'm so so angry that I've lost him and distraught at the same time. Did I let go too soon, should I have just fought in regardless of advice. Did I abandon him. Xxxx
 
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So , so sorry for your loss. I had my horse of a lifetime PTS two weeks ago with my first pony. I could hardly pick myself up off the floor and was so distraught I passed out twice. I just had to, (and still have to, every day) tell myself it was the right thing to do for them, and at that stage there was no other realistic option. I had to sit on the decision for 2 weeks while I waited for the date to come around and it was the worst time of my life, I don't know how I got through it in honesty, but finding distractions, trying to stop the "what ifs" and telling myself I made the decision with my vet for the best is helping slowly. I think today is the first day I haven't cried properly yet so it must be getting easier! Mine were still galloping up the field every night too, but were in pain and dangerous to ride :(

Just take comfort in making the right decision for your horse and not letting them suffer. I tell myself that death come to us all and by dragging out a painful life, we are not avoiding the inevitable. Life is only worth living, if it's worth living. I hope you feel better soon, I know how hard it is xxxx
 
Hoof_Prints said:
So , so sorry for your loss. I had my horse of a lifetime PTS two weeks ago with my first pony. I could hardly pick myself up off the floor and was so distraught I passed out twice. I just had to, (and still have to, every day) tell myself it was the right thing to do for them, and at that stage there was no other realistic option. I had to sit on the decision for 2 weeks while I waited for the date to come around and it was the worst time of my life, I don't know how I got through it in honesty, but finding distractions, trying to stop the "what ifs" and telling myself I made the decision with my vet for the best is helping slowly. I think today is the first day I haven't cried properly yet so it must be getting easier! Mine were still galloping up the field every night too, but were in pain and dangerous to ride :(

Just take comfort in making the right decision for your horse and not letting them suffer. I tell myself that death come to us all and by dragging out a painful life, we are not avoiding the inevitable. Life is only worth living, if it's worth living. I hope you feel better soon, I know how hard it is xxxx
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I'm so sorry for you loss hoof prints. How hard for you to have had to made the decision and sit on it. To be honest that's what I thought would happen with Wizzy and Twizz when they got old and doddery.

You were so brave and for them to go together was such a kind thing to do. You are right re death too.

I couldn't work hardly last week, this week, I have to try and get back to my work routine. But don't even want to get out of bed or talk to anyone xx
 
wizgirl said:
I'm so sorry for you loss hoof prints. How hard for you to have had to made the decision and sit on it. To be honest that's what I thought would happen with Wizzy and Twizz when they got old and doddery.

You were so brave and for them to go together was such a kind thing to do. You are right re death too.

I couldn't work hardly last week, this week, I have to try and get back to my work routine. But don't even want to get out of bed or talk to anyone xx
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Thank you, I had to bring them in that morning and went out all day shopping to try and stop thinking about it. I got a message a couple of hours later saying that my friend had held him and I broke in to pieces :( I would have never thought anything could be so painful .
The problem is, the pain seems to override all the logic and reasoning, why does your mind torture you in such a way?! I still haven't slept properly, last night I dreamed I was out hunting my boy and woke up in a confused panic. I am coping well enough overall though, I think it's just hard getting through the different phases of grief and as each wave comes, it starts over again. At least it's nice to know you are not alone in it, and it will pass. At some point the logic will kick back in and you can look back and see it was the only, and right thing to do xxx
 
So sorry. I had my boy pts a month ago. He was going blind due to uveitis and cataracts in both eyes and I just couldn't keep him comfortable. I had the what it's and did I do enough after but knew in my heart I had. I can't remember the week I had him pts. It does get easier and the pain waves get smaller and further apart. Got now just go with it. Your not will always be with you . Look after yourself x
 
Big hugs xxx

I've lost several horses, but in 2011, I very suddenly lost my Dales pony to colic in the middle of the night. I thought I was coping well, in spite of the shock, and outwardly put on this big act, but inside I was falling apart. A couple of friends noticed my strange behaviour and intervened. I had been self-harming and ended up seeing a counsellor.

It will get easier with time, in the meantime, look after yourself xxx
 
It is always hard to lose a horse, whether this is a planned pts of an elderly horse, or a sudden accident or illness. I have done both, several times.
As others have said, time does help but you do, indeed, have to manage your grief, just as you do when family and friends die. Deliberately stop yourself thinking about your loss, except at a specific time that you can set aside, when you can make that your priority.
I have always found that having other horses to look after helps, because you must concentrate on them for part of your day.
If you are really struggling make an appointment to see your GP and ask for help.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand this must be absolutely heart breaking for you.

As owners, we have a certain responsibility to uphold in circumstances like this and you definitely did the best thing. You're a prime example of a good horse owner.

I can't imagine how difficult you're finding this, but if you're struggling, definitely arrange to see your GP. They'll be able to give you all sorts of grief advice and possibly even offer counselling to support you through this hard time.

Plenty of people have been through a similar situation, keep trooping on and we're all here if you need somebody to listen.
 
Hoof_Prints said:
Thank you, I had to bring them in that morning and went out all day shopping to try and stop thinking about it. I got a message a couple of hours later saying that my friend had held him and I broke in to pieces :( I would have never thought anything could be so painful .
The problem is, the pain seems to override all the logic and reasoning, why does your mind torture you in such a way?! I still haven't slept properly, last night I dreamed I was out hunting my boy and woke up in a confused panic. I am coping well enough overall though, I think it's just hard getting through the different phases of grief and as each wave comes, it starts over again. At least it's nice to know you are not alone in it, and it will pass. At some point the logic will kick back in and you can look back and see it was the only, and right thing to do xxx
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Oh gosh. The mind is cruel, I am so so sorry, I am torturing myself with the lack of logic and reasoning. The pain is dreadful, it's a physical pain, that aches xx you did an amazing thing taking your responsibility so seriously. Lots of hugs xxxx
 
scats said:
Big hugs xxx

I've lost several horses, but in 2011, I very suddenly lost my Dales pony to colic in the middle of the night. I thought I was coping well, in spite of the shock, and outwardly put on this big act, but inside I was falling apart. A couple of friends noticed my strange behaviour and intervened. I had been self-harming and ended up seeing a counsellor.

It will get easier with time, in the meantime, look after yourself xxx
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Thanks Scats. I am in the depths of depression at the moment and want to hide away from the world. I'm so pleased you were able to seek help and get the support you needed xx
 
vmac66 said:
So sorry. I had my boy pts a month ago. He was going blind due to uveitis and cataracts in both eyes and I just couldn't keep him comfortable. I had the what it's and did I do enough after but knew in my heart I had. I can't remember the week I had him pts. It does get easier and the pain waves get smaller and further apart. Got now just go with it. Your not will always be with you . Look after yourself x
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Vmac66, so sorry for your loss. Thanks for your advice. I am hoping the waves decrease soon.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
It is always hard to lose a horse, whether this is a planned pts of an elderly horse, or a sudden accident or illness. I have done both, several times.
As others have said, time does help but you do, indeed, have to manage your grief, just as you do when family and friends die. Deliberately stop yourself thinking about your loss, except at a specific time that you can set aside, when you can make that your priority.
I have always found that having other horses to look after helps, because you must concentrate on them for part of your day.
If you are really struggling make an appointment to see your GP and ask for help.
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A great idea. Thanks. I will try this today. I have re enter the world today and go to London for work, so I have planed to go later so I have some time with the horses before I go xxxx
 
LeighAnnKilner said:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand this must be absolutely heart breaking for you.

As owners, we have a certain responsibility to uphold in circumstances like this and you definitely did the best thing. You're a prime example of a good horse owner.

Thanks leighannkilner. Thanks for your comments re me being a good horse owner. I really do try so hard to make them happy and keep them happy. They are my world, Wizzy was just so so special. I loved him to the moon and back. Counselling is probably a good idea as I think his death has resurrected some of my childhood issues xx

I can't imagine how difficult you're finding this, but if you're struggling, definitely arrange to see your GP. They'll be able to give you all sorts of grief advice and possibly even offer counselling to support you through this hard time.

Plenty of people have been through a similar situation, keep trooping on and we're all here if you need somebody to listen.
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Xxxx
 
I lost my old boy to a strangulating lipoma 12 years ago. He was fine at 8pm Monday night, came galloping up the field and into his stable looking wonderful for his 27 years. I found him at 7 on Tuesday morning, called the vet and by 8 it was all over. He came, took one look at him and said he'd give him one pain-killing, anti-spasmodic injection that would either work in 5 minutes or not at all. While the pain killer worked and he visibly relaxed, the anti-spasmodic didn't (I'm not sure it was ever going to, I think it was more for my benefit than Eb's) and he wasn't up to travelling 90 minutes in rush hour traffic to the vet hospital so we had to say goodbye to him there and then. There was no decision to make, he had already made that decision for me. He was looking after me even at the end.

For about 3 days, I couldn't even get out of bed, but gradually things started to get easier. The gibbering wreck was slowly replaced by occasional sobs, then the sobs made way for sniffles and the sniffles with the odd tearful moment. I still well up now and again thinking about him 12 years on.

Even though I knew there was no choice, in those early days I still wondered whether I should have tried to get him to the hospital. With time though, as the shock subsided I came to realise letting him go was the best thing for him, even if it was the worst thing for me. I also realised that for a 27 year old horse, there were worse ways to go. He was totally fine 12 hours before, he'd eaten all his hay so can't have been in pain for long and he went peacefully, drugged up to the eyeballs so without a clue what was happening and with his head in my lap. A few hours suffering maximum at the end of a very happy, healthy 27 years (14 of them with me) wasn't too bad.

Everything you're feeling is totally natural - all the questions, the doubting what you did, the crippling grief. As the shock subsides though and you can look at it a bit more objectively, you'll realise you did the right thing. It may take a few weeks, a few months or even a year or two but you'll get there. I promise.
 
Wizgirl, how sad. Exactly the same happened to my gelding last summer, they brought him round from the op, having taken 25 feet out, but I was warned he may not make it through. I had a day to prepare myself & say goodbye, he was initially kept comfortable by the drugs bit I could see it was not going to get any better.
I must have sobbed for days, helped a bit by having to deal with the other pony at home. I made a collage of my favourite photos, eventually had a 'stockpin' made from his tail hair and will buy him a rose in his memory for the garden. I dream about him sometimes & I am happy to talk about him but there are still some places in my head I wont go and may never be able to. Grief is very indivdual and I am sure we all deal with it in different ways, but it does hurt less in time. All the best!
 
I also think that 'talking' to us all on here helps as well. Lots of us have had to deal with the loss of our horses, so like-minded people know what to say and can reassure/bring comfort.

My other hobby is something 100% not horse-related, and whilst my friends there were very sympathetic when I lost my old boy, I knew they couldn't know how I felt. Why should they? My husband was amazing, but he's not horsey either.

As others have said, OP, pop to your GP if you are really struggling. Look after your other horse (I no longer have one, and that's very hard for me to come to terms with.) The pain will ease, and we're all here for you.
 
I do not have my own horse but I have dealt with the death of my son coming up for 9 years now. The pain you feel is a physical one and feel you are in a dark hole which you can't escape from. You just wonder how you can ever possibly feel any form of happiness again. You will never get over it but through time you will be able to cope better, believe me you will but it takes time and you have to allow yourself whatever time it takes to go through that grieving process. At the moment you go over and over the chain of events and start to question your own judgement. Just allow yourself whatever time it takes to grieve for your boy. When someone we love dies it does not matter if they have 4 legs or 2 or family or friends ...Take care and a huge hug from me...

Shirl
 
annagain said:
I lost my old boy to a strangulating lipoma 12 years ago. He was fine at 8pm Monday night, came galloping up the field and into his stable looking wonderful for his 27 years. I found him at 7 on Tuesday morning, called the vet and by 8 it was all over. He came, took one look at him and said he'd give him one pain-killing, anti-spasmodic injection that would either work in 5 minutes or not at all. While the pain killer worked and he visibly relaxed, the anti-spasmodic didn't (I'm not sure it was ever going to, I think it was more for my benefit than Eb's) and he wasn't up to travelling 90 minutes in rush hour traffic to the vet hospital so we had to say goodbye to him there and then. There was no decision to make, he had already made that decision for me. He was looking after me even at the end.

For about 3 days, I couldn't even get out of bed, but gradually things started to get easier. The gibbering wreck was slowly replaced by occasional sobs, then the sobs made way for sniffles and the sniffles with the odd tearful moment. I still well up now and again thinking about him 12 years on.

Even though I knew there was no choice, in those early days I still wondered whether I should have tried to get him to the hospital. With time though, as the shock subsided I came to realise letting him go was the best thing for him, even if it was the worst thing for me. I also realised that for a 27 year old horse, there were worse ways to go. He was totally fine 12 hours before, he'd eaten all his hay so can't have been in pain for long and he went peacefully, drugged up to the eyeballs so without a clue what was happening and with his head in my lap. A few hours suffering maximum at the end of a very happy, healthy 27 years (14 of them with me) wasn't too bad.

Everything you're feeling is totally natural - all the questions, the doubting what you did, the crippling grief. As the shock subsides though and you can look at it a bit more objectively, you'll realise you did the right thing. It may take a few weeks, a few months or even a year or two but you'll get there. I promise.
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Im so sad to read your story. It really shows we all go through it xx

I completely fell apart in a shopping centre this evening and had to leave. I was overwhelmed with the feeelings that I had let him down, not fought enough for him. I'm notpw sitting in my hotel room crying and watching videos.
 
Carlosmum said:
Wizgirl, how sad. Exactly the same happened to my gelding last summer, they brought him round from the op, having taken 25 feet out, but I was warned he may not make it through. I had a day to prepare myself & say goodbye, he was initially kept comfortable by the drugs bit I could see it was not going to get any better.
I must have sobbed for days, helped a bit by having to deal with the other pony at home. I made a collage of my favourite photos, eventually had a 'stockpin' made from his tail hair and will buy him a rose in his memory for the garden. I dream about him sometimes & I am happy to talk about him but there are still some places in my head I wont go and may never be able to. Grief is very indivdual and I am sure we all deal with it in different ways, but it does hurt less in time. All the best!
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I'm so,sorry to hear about your boy too. Life is so cruel sometimes. I am crucifying myself now for not fighting harder, feeling I let him down. I fell apart in a shopping centre this evening and had to leave because I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that I let him down. Starting to question every decision xxx
 
mytwofriends said:
I also think that 'talking' to us all on here helps as well. Lots of us have had to deal with the loss of our horses, so like-minded people know what to say and can reassure/bring comfort.

My other hobby is something 100% not horse-related, and whilst my friends there were very sympathetic when I lost my old boy, I knew they couldn't know how I felt. Why should they? My husband was amazing, but he's not horsey either.

As others have said, OP, pop to your GP if you are really struggling. Look after your other horse (I no longer have one, and that's very hard for me to come to terms with.) The pain will ease, and we're all here for you.
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Thanks so much xxx
 
shirl62 said:
I do not have my own horse but I have dealt with the death of my son coming up for 9 years now. The pain you feel is a physical one and feel you are in a dark hole which you can't escape from. You just wonder how you can ever possibly feel any form of happiness again. You will never get over it but through time you will be able to cope better, believe me you will but it takes time and you have to allow yourself whatever time it takes to go through that grieving process. At the moment you go over and over the chain of events and start to question your own judgement. Just allow yourself whatever time it takes to grieve for your boy. When someone we love dies it does not matter if they have 4 legs or 2 or family or friends ...Take care and a huge hug from me...

Shirl
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I'm so very sorry to hear about your son. You are right though. It is a very dark place. I have tried to join the 'real world' again today. Travelling with my work and trying to find normal. However, normal doesn't exist for me any more. I find I am walking round thinking constantly about Wizzy. I fell apart in a shopping centre tonight. I really thank you Shirl xxx
 
In one of the Scandinavian tv progs a priest said "grief is love made homeless" that made sense to me. In time your love will find a new home but like Catembi there will always be a place where you keep those precious memories. Last week is was 3 years since I lost my boy to Atypical Myopathy and I still find the anniversary tough but I can just hide away somewhere for half an hour, have a sob and then carry on now.
 
wizgirl said:
I'm so very sorry to hear about your son. You are right though. It is a very dark place. I have tried to join the 'real world' again today. Travelling with my work and trying to find normal. However, normal doesn't exist for me any more. I find I am walking round thinking constantly about Wizzy. I fell apart in a shopping centre tonight. I really thank you Shirl xxx
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It is so very hard watching everyone go about their lives and you are breaking your heart and screaming inside..Wizzy will always be with you in your heart forever xxx

Shirl
 
shirl62 said:
It is so very hard watching everyone go about their lives and you are breaking your heart and screaming inside..Wizzy will always be with you in your heart forever xxx

Shirl
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Hi There, so sorry for your loss. I just joined this forum to post on this after reading this. I lost my 18mo old homebred 11 days ago at Rossdales. He had had diahorrea a few months and despite vets sort of stopping it with worming and codeine (though his worm count was zero before) it never fully resolved. End Nov it got a lot worse. I messaged my vet with photos as he was losing a lot of weight and pics off poo. Thinking was his gut needed longer so recommended trying gut balancer. Bloods all were normal 3 times before apart from he was fighting an infection, they thought GI and worms hence the worming. 13th Dec I got my old vet out as was still concerned. I asked about worming. They gave Pramox like before. I said would it be ok as was thin. They injected him with steroids. 24hrs later he went down in the eve. I found him about an hour later. He was hypothermic already. Tried to get him up. 4 of us tried. We dragged him on a rug in the end (He was a decent sized warmblood) into stable. Emergency vet out him on a drip overnight and pumped stuff in to stop diahorrea. That seemed to work. Was more than just the codeine they kept trying. I checked on him hourly through night. Tried to keep him warm. He was up on side eating. Next morning he'd got stuck in corner so friend and I had to drag him out from there. He still couldn't stand. Vet came. More fluids etc. Again we dragged him on a tarp into trailer to Rossdales as vet said still a chance. No one had said how ill he was getting before that night. He spent 32 hours in intensive care, made some progress, but was down 48 hours. Then his heart gave out and vet called me to agree pts. I was almost in shock as I could see how he looked and thought he's not going to make it. I said weeks ago I felt I was losing him. I had a post mortem and it showed encysted red worm as they suspected. Again despite the zero worm counts and having been wormed. I think if he'd been wormed then wormed again when first showed would have stopped it. Also if I'd known my options then lile the 5 day wormer. But I just gave what was given. I didn't know what I didn't know :-( I thought was ok with my zero counts and I wormed in winter but turned out I now know the one o was given by vet Nov 2016 was for red worm not encysted red worm. I wouldn't have known difference then. Was because he was 5mo old probably so my 4 weren't covered and no follow up plan was suggested. So it seems crazy so many times we should have been able to stop this. I'm heartbroken. He was much planned for wanted through 11mo pregnancy and 18mo of life. My mare of 10 years was an amazing mum. I said sorry a million times to her :-( He was perfect too. If it weren't for my 7yo son riding I'd struggle to carry on. Went on Boxing Day meet today and his enthusiasm is infectious. I smiled a lot. Not sure if that feels right. My other horse had to man up and stay home alone now. My baby always did that flawlessly. I've had to pick up fast as it's Christmas and the world carries on relentlessly! Especially at Christmas. I'd lost my old dog 3 weeks before my baby Artie but was old age. That hurt. This is something else! So angry, sad, lost. But today was easier than yesterday which was harder than day before. Waves! Hope everyone doing ok. At least we all know where we are xx
 
I lost my boy in 2010 having owned him since 1988. He was my soulmate and I thought my world would never be the same and I never wanted to ride another horse again. Six months later I started to feel better - you will eventually but your best friend will never be replaced. Look after yourself xxx
 
Thanks. Mornings are the hardest it seems. I wake up, now I'm sleeping again, and my heart just sinks every morning. Feels so wrong and out of balance. I feel scared over silly things like leaving one of the other horses when I ride 2 out. My baby Artie was just amazing you could leave him alone all day or as a companion. The others aren't used to it. So they run about like twits. I'd struggle to keep going with them if it weren't for my son's enthusiasm for his riding so I have to keep going. I think I want to try my mare in foal again. She was an amazing mum. He was an amazing baby. Just wish he could have been helped sooner or I had known my options more. 12 days now. Feels forever. My son asks when he'll come home, as in his ashes, is heartbreaking 💔
 
I'm so sorry for your loss... I am a spiritual medium, and if it helps, I promise you animals stay around us, when we need them to be. They go over to Rainbow Bridge, free of all ailments, back to healthy almost yearnings again. But they never forget who loves them, and return freely to visit and comfort them.

Grief is horrible... even being a medium doesn't take away those "5 stages"... I still cry for a dog I lost 2 years ago.

Much love to you.
 
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