Martian trouble.advice please!

[SaharaS]

well...after 7.5 years, things reached a point this week where I laid my cards on the table. I live alone, am 29 (plus6) and technically single. bf lives in london, I'm 2.5 hours away.his mum moved in with him when his father died...12 years ago.he's 40 this year. when I rescued my dog last june, all physical contact stopped.I can only remember being offered a cheek to kiss tho tbh he's emotionally very cold & private..I'm very affectionate. he has rung me several times a day since the day we first spoke, his work is a massive hindrance as his mum can be,but i have always respected that and allowed her & work to come first. He regularly suffered from cancellitis..had depression...work stress..and ALWAYs is tired and has irritable bowel/tummy upsets. He smokes heavily(which i hate) but doesn't drink.I've stood by him as he has by me thru thick and thin. I lost my father on my b'day only 6months into our relationship so we had an even closer understanding-those of you who've experienced this will understand what i mean. he's been very sweet to me tho he can be naturally grumpy, but I have been nothing but tollerant & supportive.he opened another branch for work last year & the 6 months before & after have increased his work load and we've not seen as much of each other. we never went out much anyway but the weekend visists lengthened to 2-4 the 6 to now 8 weekly. he calls me daily and sends me things to let me know he's thinking of me, but I need to knwo if the'rest of our lives to spend together he mentioned so often is ever going to happen,I wanted to be married long before now(you know the little girls dream..)not sure about kids but don't want the option taken away tick tick etc.I said all i needed to the other eve and he took it all and was very level and calm and listened. I am now very confused. He has a habit of living up to a certain image and lifestyle and i'm sure I know where he is 99% of the time -tho I know he can exaggerate or tell porkies to enhance his image.ie prices are always left on the abundant gifts etc or a price is mentioned that i know is prob more than he paid.there are more bits I will prob add further on but I am trying not to lose many of you from reading exhaustion!sorry this is long, but its good to vent!!anyway, the morning after I spoke to him and he had promised that he would try sort things out..I suggested that by the time my house sells would be good timing if we were not able to come to a compromise that involved me more.he is in the luxury industry and is very work motivated.I understand this.I would be prepared to move closer with my horses if he stayed a few nights a week or 3/4...just so we could have a normal relationship & either make it or break it.when pressed he said he would try to but couldn't guarantee he wouldn't just be coming home & falling asleep from the extra commute-fair enough, and he worries about his mum aging yes, nice yes but we've certainly had our moments..(his brother got married long before I met my bf but she described it as the day she lost her eldest son-silly me i thought he had died!!she was still grieving!)i feel bad for writing this but need your thoughts.the next morning I noticed I was minus a friend on facebook-my bf!!! I sent a text saying "grow up who are you trying to hide me from, is this all 7.5 years are worth,silly silly me."three hours later he sent a calculated reply seeming shocked. then another saying he hates fb. thinking of closing his account and denied deleting me. Iwas angry and upset but he promised he'd not do that to me -I didn't answer texts so he called at lunch and said this. he's been chirpy & possibly over nice then this eve i noticed he had made himself unsearchable to me...but I found him on a friend of his friend list. What do i do? I was going to play it cool, then if he mentioned fb I'd bring it up that he had not yet friend requested me and make a joke that I'm still fb dumped...and see if he responds that he has deleted his account...to which I think I will reply, that is actually untrue and I do not appreciate being lied to by my bf of nearly 8 years..and he knows where I am and suggest he does not leave it too long if he intends to make peace...and then not answer phone if I can manage. Yes I am very lonely and only really have one friend over here, a platonic friendship with a married man -he's kept me strong & my spirits up and we chat daily other than that i have mum tho she's a few hours away too so its basically me, my horses and my beloved dog - without him I would have broken a long time ago..he's everything to me and yes I will be honest, he's my true best friend. I work from home as I had an accident riding(stayed on when horse reared & went over on me from up a 6ft bank onto the lane) I broke all my vertebra and sternum, but was only diagnosed with 4 breaks at the time.this was in 2004. in 2010 I was diagnosed with ME/CFS and fibromyalgia in addition to the nerve damage and my still sore back. I can't take meds as they make me liek a zombie & was on so many(36 a day of tramadol/morphines/codeines/epilepsy drugs and anti inflamatory naproxen...no wonder they made me rough - I physically cannot take even paracetamol now as it knocks me straight out.I have pain and numbness daily and soft tissue pain but but rely on hydro & heat therapy & have spas & saunas & hot & cold.. I don't mention it as he gets grumpy about it and knows better as he trained in medicine...clearly my specialist & consultants know nothing and are all totally deluded...he has also expressed embarrassment in the past that I was a firefighter & was in the building industry (on the tools) as well as having very good qualifications..he has always been jealous of my animals especially my dog recently but they were here way before him..tho he has denied this is true...you know deep down...thats me really...you have all the ammo you could wish for to blow me up or stick me back together! to make things worse, within 10 mins of the fb bombshell the girl who was interested in my homebred rising 4yr old pulled out (very gracefully) as had found a 5yr old and the two viewings i had on my house on sat both turned out to be timewasters! my house was presented so pristine & immaculate and is brand newly refurbished to show house standard and one evil B*&)( said it would cost too much to make it habitable!!!!!! that hurt so so much, agent said she was deluded and passified me but evil bag such bad timing....congrats if you have got this far...I wonder how many of you have slipped into a come or had one medically induced!!I made almond biscotti earlier so help yourselves!xxx

 

[Slightlyconfused]

First off paragraphs are your and everone elses friends

Im going to be totally honest but from what what ive made out he is treating you like a mistress.......if he stopped all contact when you got dog then that to me would tell me it's over and he is playing away......with regards to the gifts and leaving prices on or saying he spent alot of money on them it's his way of trying to keep you under his thump and greatful to him......

Delete him from your life, you dont need a guy to make your life complete. Where are you moving to?

At the end of the day it's always going to be your choice what to do but ask your self this.......

Do you really want to feel like you cant talk to him when you are in pain for the rest of your life?

Do you want to come second best to Mummy all the time?

Also do you really need to feel like have to be in a relationship to make yourself matter?

Im really Sorry about your health problems, ive had ,M.E for the last 16 years and my first and only bf told me that i have to snap out of it if i wanted a normal life.....but you know what? I have my horses, dogs and rabbits and my family i dont need a bf to be happy.

Hugs.

X

 

[Surreydeb]

Sorry to be so brutal but i think you know it yourself deep down. Doesn't sound like you actually have much of a relationship. Sounds like not much chance of a future with this man. I would get rid although may be easier said than done. Hanging on for him you probably haven't built much of a life for yourself. Time to move on and do that I think. There are always pressures on everyones time but if he were committed to a relationship he would make time for you. Hugs and good luck xx

 

[Keen]

Wow, you are one strong lady, and are not at all sorry for yourself - I would be! I have enormous sympathy for you, and hope I would acquit myself so well in your situation.

Use some of that strength to tell him it is over and walk away, head held high. He just isn't interested in you, and it will happen eventually. For some reason though, he hasn't got the balls to do it himself.

Many, many (gentle) hugs. It will come right, and you will meet someone better. Can you move back near your mum? Or invest in making some girly friends nearby?

Good luck

 

[MrsMozart]

Hate to say it, but he's not a boyfriend.

A boyfriend is there for you, holds your hand, props you up, picks you up, makes you laugh, and only rarely makes you cry.

 

[Miss L Toe]

I found this very interesting [once had a "married" bf' like this, that was a very convenient excuse for him, he dropped me after 20 years and was never seen again]
You are obviously a five star person, and he is not. You need to delete him from your life, he is useless, and you can do better. As others have said you don't need a b/f but we all need friends, so try to shake up your social life a bit, treat yourself to a little retail therapy.

 

[SaharaS]

First of all...MASSIVE appologies for the length and lack of paragraphs..i think I held my breath while typing my op too...v sorry! I either fell asleep after or passed out, but I can't edit it now! Four brave people conquered it in the end...and embarrassed to say I am usually a grammar nazi! he can take the blame for this horrific lapse!

First off paragraphs are your and everone elses friends

Thank you SC...and how aptly named are you are reading such a saga!! Some very wise points that are probably outside my head burrying sand bucket...I definitely enjoy being on my own and cope very well with it, so I guess, no I don't need a man to make it complete..its just the positive sides I'm missing out on..and would give the dog a break with me nattering away to him all the time!!I've just made myself busy in my animals & renovating the house..

Sorry to be so brutal but i think you know it yourself deep down. Doesn't sound like you actually have much of a relationship. Sounds like not much chance of a future with this man. I would get rid although may be easier said than done. Hanging on for him you probably haven't built much of a life for yourself. Time to move on and do that I think. There are always pressures on everyones time but if he were committed to a relationship he would make time for you. Hugs and good luck xx

Thank you SD..again very true, I have a telephone boyfriend i think at best! Life building wise, I've worked very hard to have everything for myself,but moving to Somerset was a hard move from Sussex as i found it very true, unless you have friends/family here, they say it takes 20 years to get accepted..and as a single girl in a new rural area its easier to fuel jealous rumours than fuel friendships..its very hard to get accepted into a group of friends or make friends at this age unless you are introduced or you are less dangerous in a couple...most of my friends were men and some tailed off when jealous partners cut all their female friendships..sad, but true.

I make a tonne of effort to invite or involve people and be there for them and would do anything for anyone, but people seem to just shy away or presume I'll be busy or have tonnes of friends..I go for 10 days sometimes with not a single soul smiling back or saying hello..I don't have a land line because it would frighten the hell out of me if it ever rang I'm so un used to it!! Thats why my dog means so much to me!

Good luck

thank you,v kind words..hard to move the troops back near Mum but working my way back house by house! Somerset perhaps wasn't the right choice! the friend bit I kind of mentioned above but I really do try...just seem a bit stuck!

Hate to say it, but he's not a boyfriend.

A boyfriend is there for you, holds your hand, props you up, picks you up, makes you laugh, and only rarely makes you cry.

Very true once again and wise as always...thank you..and the more I read this, the more true and obvious it is x

 

[Miss L Toe]

Try the WI, all female and fun, they should be accepting of women in rural life if no one else is, I think all single females have the same problem, I used to like having male friends, but they all tended to be single, the ones in a relationship were looking to move out of their house in to mine!
There is the RDA and I steward at driving events so that gets me out to meet new people, lots of helpers are needed for things, it is a matter of finding something that interests you.

 

[Ibblebibble]

i'm guessing that the physical side of the 'relationship' is non existent given that you rarely see him so you can't even be classed as a mistress!! is he gay and using you as a cover??!
in all seriousness it's not really a relationship is it? so how hard would it really be to hang up on him and say enough is enough, he's never going to change or put you before his life and his mum.
put yourself first and tell him to go swing, he really doesn't sound worth the effort you put in!!

 

[JosieB]

There is something amiss about him and the fb thing .. I would think either to stop you posting on his wall or seeing what he is posting on others walls. It does not sound like it has been a very rewarding and equal relationship for a long time. As others have said, you need to make yourself happy by getting a social life. Local clubs etc. are great and of course dogs are the easiest way to make friends! Leave him to get on with things.. he will be in touch if he misses you.

 

[SaharaS]

I found this very interesting [once had a "married" bf' like this, that was a very convenient excuse for him, he dropped me after 20 years and was never seen again]
You are obviously a five star person, and he is not. You need to delete him from your life, he is useless, and you can do better. As others have said you don't need a b/f but we all need friends, so try to shake up your social life a bit, treat yourself to a little retail therapy.

Thank you..and I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you after 20 years, makes it all so apparent just how fast time flies..I think my one is married to his mum..Oh God..I hope he doesn't still breast feed! Did someone mention retail therapy? this could be dangerous as my house is on the market!;-)

Try the WI, all female and fun, they should be accepting of women in rural life if no one else is, I think all single females have the same problem, I used to like having male friends, but they all tended to be single, the ones in a relationship were looking to move out of their house in to mine!
There is the RDA and I steward at driving events so that gets me out to meet new people, lots of helpers are needed for things, it is a matter of finding something that interests you.

Exactly they are either all really genuine,bonkers or on a mission but in the middle of it all you get some really good gems..the rest well all I can say is Men! more v good ideas.. love outdoor things and anything country/animal related, have a small polar bear tho that will either massively help or hinder..this has been hard work but he is getting so much better..at least i have a great guage now..anyone non genuine he indicates andthe ones that do hang about despite the scary bear antics will be genuine friends for life!(or too scared to get up & run!!)

i'm guessing that the physical side of the 'relationship' is non existent given that you rarely see him so you can't even be classed as a mistress!! is he gay and using you as a cover??!
in all seriousness it's not really a relationship is it? so how hard would it really be to hang up on him and say enough is enough, he's never going to change or put you before his life and his mum.
put yourself first and tell him to go swing, he really doesn't sound worth the effort you put in!!

This made me laugh thank you!! I have said that the few times i've seen him in the company of others I do think he is so immaculate that most girls think he is gay! he may well have turned...sad thing is, he is deepdown a lovely guy..but this isn't how I envisage a future..for instance my married male friend phones or texts daily..he checks in to see the horses haven't hurt me and that i've got home safe& woken up ok in the morning..I rarely get to see him(v insecure jealous wife) but hes a rock even tho only usually on the phone..he loves my dog too despite all his insecurities..where as bf knows better and when they first met, he didn't listen so it took 4 hours of scary barking before he was allowed in (and after a 3 hour drive!!!)my dog doesn't bark at my friend tho..they are such great radars!..or gaydars!

There is something amiss about him and the fb thing .. I would think either to stop you posting on his wall or seeing what he is posting on others walls. It does not sound like it has been a very rewarding and equal relationship for a long time. As others have said, you need to make yourself happy by getting a social life. Local clubs etc. are great and of course dogs are the easiest way to make friends! Leave him to get on with things.. he will be in touch if he misses you.

he's a very private person but i totally agree..it was 8 monthsbefore I met his mum..almost 3 years before I met any of his friends and I've never been mentioned at work..he's a jeweller..very high end. anyway..likely a lonely jeweller at this rate and you are right..I ought to do as i suggested in my epic op and if he needs that thunderbolt to shake him up, its coming!

I mentioned my polar bear above..some of you will know of him, I rescued him(dog!) last june. He is very reactive to dogs and people and has massive separation anxiety. I am working on this and slowly but surely we are progressing, but he struggles the most with separation. I put him in the truck etc while leading the horses - not been able to ride since i've had him.he can stress shed himself bald if i'm too long (ten mins is now acceptable) andI've introduced zoopharmacognosy to help him cope...I can now be 4 mins on the loo before he comes to save me. before anyone shoots me down,i won't go into him too much on here, but he isMASSIVELY improving just at his own pace.

I had a lump scare in march and told mum I had to have a routine xray on my ribs (they've been missbehaving!) and she came and puppy sat him in the car with him while I had mamograms, scans and a biopsy.thankfully I got the all clear and she's none the wiser but it helped him hugely. I want to start small 5-ten minute sits on the horses in the school (they won't complain!)and hopefully increase it even a minute per day.I was also going to advertise for a helper on here, I can't pay, but the right person could ride and then when the house sell I can replace my stolen trailer and hope to start doing some local dressage again..so we could both do that.

I was thinking also of trying to arrange a few quiet eves for any brave HHOers now summer is coming..will have to be at my house because of not being able to leave my boy yet..or outdoor dog friendly pubs. I make awesome curries & have a cake coffee addiction..it will be a start but people will get barked at and he usually gets stress poos/diarrhea when people knock/visit..but if they ignore him & don't look at him, he stops barking soon enough and then braves a sniff...then he gets a ball for them& they are friends for life...he's rather imposing size wise so I will feed cake etc accordingly to calm and distract any visiting brave people! He has genuine fear, not even classable as fear aggression..would be a good start for him and me and people ..well they get fed..simple! then I hope to start braving things with other dogs..the bath & west is looming so thats on my doorstep..I'm sure its all good distraction and a path to a more happily socialized polar bear which will allow me to make new friends and meet people.

..the cogs are ticking anyway so thats a start... ohoh I've rambled again sorry

 

[Wagtail]

What type of dog is he? We have pyrenean mountain dogs and we always think they are like polar bears.

As for the bf. Finish it.

 

[SaharaS]

What type of dog is he? We have pyrenean mountain dogs and we always think they are like polar bears.

As for the bf. Finish it.

he's a berger suisse blanc (weisser schweisser schafferhund) or in English a Swiss White Shepherd...pulls incredibly good polar bear impressions..esp the one asleep with bum in the air and face sliding along the floor...how I wish I could have got that pic as it would have been great on the thread on here last night about dogs with funny sleeping positions..he made sure the camera was not accessible without waking him and put on a whole show!made me laugh anyway! I looked at pyreneans before I rescued him..I only decided against as I wanted an Owcharek Podhalanski (tatra mountain dog) which are similar to pyreneans and maremas...but none in the uk...or a Hovawart..but none without waiting lists as rare...then I couldn't find any due pups either pyrenean or marema... My 15yr old rough collie had passed away april last year and i went a little stir crazy waiting..and decided to foster..he arrived and I dismally failed and took all of one look to know he was staying forever..and till he's more comfortable with new dogs, i'll be staying with just one...unless men make me get more sooner...slippery slope hey but what fun!! I met a lady near me with 12-and st bernards too...she originally had one...then men made her keep getting more!

 

[Mithras]

I'd be suspicious that your boyfriend had someone else on the go...

I wouldn't call him your boyfriend, I'd say he was more of just a friend. tbh I'd just stop contacting him if I were you, and use your energies on joining local clubs and societies instead, eg book groups, drama society, tennis club, riding club, RDA, whatever. It sounds as though your "boyfriend" simply uses you for an ego boost and security prop when it suits him.

I don't know if you noticed as well but you're very harsh on the married male friend's "jealous, insecure wife" -hmmn, her husband phones you every day, I wouldn't be too happy if I were her. Maybe you need to spend more time socialising with a wider group of people and stop attaching too much importance to one or two?

 

[Wagtail]

he's a berger suisse blanc (weisser schweisser schafferhund) or in English a Swiss White Shepherd...pulls incredibly good polar bear impressions..esp the one asleep with bum in the air and face sliding along the floor...how I wish I could have got that pic as it would have been great on the thread on here last night about dogs with funny sleeping positions..he made sure the camera was not accessible without waking him and put on a whole show!made me laugh anyway! I looked at pyreneans before I rescued him..I only decided against as I wanted an Owcharek Podhalanski (tatra mountain dog) which are similar to pyreneans and maremas...but none in the uk...or a Hovawart..but none without waiting lists as rare...then I couldn't find any due pups either pyrenean or marema... My 15yr old rough collie had passed away april last year and i went a little stir crazy waiting..and decided to foster..he arrived and I dismally failed and took all of one look to know he was staying forever..and till he's more comfortable with new dogs, i'll be staying with just one...unless men make me get more sooner...slippery slope hey but what fun!! I met a lady near me with 12-and st bernards too...she originally had one...then men made her keep getting more!

Will have to google that one! We have six PMD pups just born last week, but have always had trouble finding one when in a hurry. They are still pretty rare in this country.

 

[DressageCob]

I clicked on this thinking it would be about aliens.

I can't help really, except to say that I once did long distance, and it was rubbish. Not a proper relationship at all.

 

[SaharaS]

I'd be suspicious that your boyfriend had someone else on the go...

I wouldn't call him your boyfriend, I'd say he was more of just a friend. tbh I'd just stop contacting him if I were you, and use your energies on joining local clubs and societies instead, eg book groups, drama society, tennis club, riding club, RDA, whatever. It sounds as though your "boyfriend" simply uses you for an ego boost and security prop when it suits him.

I don't know if you noticed as well but you're very harsh on the married male friend's "jealous, insecure wife" -hmmn, her husband phones you every day, I wouldn't be too happy if I were her. Maybe you need to spend more time socialising with a wider group of people and stop attaching too much importance to one or two?

Thank you...ood points tho trickier than it seems.

the other woman, Mithras, is his mother!

and I don't think I'm harsh, she has tried to stab him and attacked him with a glass for being said hello to by a female. I know this is fact...not me being bitchy. I am justa bout to get my energies up enough to get me through each day. I have 5 horses, and a flock of sheep and goats. with my health complications I just about manage to walk my dog and do the animals then spend a bit each day making jewellery to keep me funded. I've explained already that I am limited to anything not involving my dog as he still is not 'fixed' enough to be left. I have found it virtually impossible to get accepted into any local circles. there IS no room at the Somerset 'inn'.if you are female, single and don't look like a troll, its simply closed doors before you even start. I've even tried paying people to help me do things simply to have enough humans around that i don't forget how to speak to people face to face..everyone is too busy with their life.I'm really not that far of low here, that I am on the verge of developing a stutter and bursting into tears simply if someone did God forbid crack a smile...Ive tried joinging groups..to be met with oh I know you your that girl that drives the &*(*&^^**... sorry were full.can't help you. otherwise,in different circumstances,excellent suggestions thank you

 

[SaharaS]

I clicked on this thinking it would be about aliens.

I can't help really, except to say that I once did long distance, and it was rubbish. Not a proper relationship at all.

thank you..that made me laugh...then I realised you were right...I think he might be an alien!slightly worried now!

 

[SaharaS]

Will have to google that one! We have six PMD pups just born last week, but have always had trouble finding one when in a hurry. They are still pretty rare in this country.

Ah..any pics on here?..they are almost as good as retail therapy! Are you keeping any/all? I'd be a terrible breeder..I'd only breed when i found the right homes, then not be able to part with the pups!...and end up with millions of them...not yet got a big enough house for that many!I had pics on here of my boy but not sure if they are visible still..I've just failed dismally tried to add him here in this reply but its not playing...:-/

 

[TallulahBright]

This one doesn't live on Mars, sounds to me like he lives up his own arse! Delete, delete, delete!

 

[Wagtail]

Ah..any pics on here?..they are almost as good as retail therapy! Are you keeping any/all? I'd be a terrible breeder..I'd only breed when i found the right homes, then not be able to part with the pups!...and end up with millions of them...not yet got a big enough house for that many!I had pics on here of my boy but not sure if they are visible still..I've just failed dismally tried to add him here in this reply but its not playing...:-/

I have a thread on the dogs forum, but they are pretty boring right now. Just podgy fluffy blobs that have an amazing knack of sniffing out the milk bar. Mum is already tired of them! They should open their eyes in a few days and then start to waddle. Then the fun begins!

 

[Wagtail]

Regarding the unfriendliness of Somerset, what a horrible situation to be in. Once you sell your house, I hope you find somewhere more welcoming. Though I expect that many rural areas are the same. Being married with children, I haven't had to make new friends here, but have plenty of company and am constantly busy, I guess. Have you thought of taking on a couple of liveries? My friends have all been other horsey women that I met when I was a livery client, and also I have made new friends in my own livery clients.

 

[SaharaS]

Regarding the unfriendliness of Somerset, what a horrible situation to be in. Once you sell your house, I hope you find somewhere more welcoming. Though I expect that many rural areas are the same. Being married with children, I haven't had to make new friends here, but have plenty of company and am constantly busy, I guess. Have you thought of taking on a couple of liveries? My friends have all been other horsey women that I met when I was a livery client, and also I have made new friends in my own livery clients.

Yes once they start walking you'll have no peace...perhaps I need puppies! I could do puppy livery (offering!!) but sadly not horses,not my yard and only me there and only just enough for my lot if carefully managed..(sheep hoovers etc) thats the bonus of livery yards I guess..and having children..they make you meet people! hmm need to rectify the bf situation for that to be possible,so the puppies option is far easier...rest assured once i get an offer i will be doing some wild interrogating on here to find the best ideal area ...and a house...new drawing pin and different map page i think!