!!morags ahoy!!!

I take you've taken a toss off the horse again out cubbing or is it the pain from the foot and are you sure it wasn't one of those plastic lemons that look real Hum?????:D:D:D:D and why are you training the Great Dane to jump gates, look at the trouble you got into last time you lost the dogs. DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER;););) have the lucky time of chatting to the Fit Farrier, while you were chasing over the countryside looking for said dogs:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:Rein yourself in girl as I cann't afford anymore fancy dresses from the charity shops on my pension.:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
 
Sadly the bloody sodding dog is the same bloody sodding dog who went off galavanting last time! He taught himself this little trick, and I'm NOT a fan!!

I don't know what you're talking about... I'm perfectly sane thank you! The foot is still very much on the end of my leg, and is rather black and disgusting, and I am trying to make a candle out of lemon wax.... I have a pile of about thirty scorched lemons in front of me.

Any takers? Lemon soup??
 
Aha! I have pinched them from the bin at the pub in the next village. I was on the phone to their chef discussing my lemon melting antics and he stupidly told me that they had a huge box full of lemons going to waste.

Hence the lemon candle.

I'm sure lemon soup would freeze... I'll try it and send you an ice cube just to check :D
 
Dear Clipcloppop,

I will only be your friend if you promise not to be all thin and beautiful and waft about in front of the farrier.

I am sure you are not at all madlesbiany, as when thinking of buying your lorry I noticed that you know some Ingrams. I know Ingrams. I used to stand on the side of the bath wearing a ginger wig with an Ingram, giving a performace of The Backstreet Boys' greatest hits.

So I think you must be as mad as me.

I love you too, my squishy little friend,

Yours and all that *******s,

Starzaan
 
I should have left work at 3.30pm but this thread has kept me entertained...plus if i move i may actually wet myself!!!! :D Hilarious!
 
Please go back to practicing the ruddy wellie dance or now the spanner(Imperial or metric) dance and leave the poor lemons alone, their lives are short and sour enough,:cool::cool: and who wants a smelly candle and knowing you, have forgotten to put a wick in the middle.:rolleyes::rolleyes: So how did you teach said Great Dane to jump a gate:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
 
Ahem.

Numero Uno - yay to magazine writing-majigs!

Numero Dos - Will I meet this terribly naughty puplet when I come visit?

Numero Tres - LEMON SOUP?!

Yours very-un-lesbian-ly,

TG x
 
Echo Bravo, I'm not going to dignify that with an answer as I have answered it already, so sort your knickers out and stop taking time away from important things like lemon waxing!


TG, sadly you will meet both of them... we're a package deal! My new livery's horse is TERRIFIED of his royal ugliness... thinks he's an alien. Which I can understand....


Incidentally, Fit Farrier named the ugly one.

Little snippet of juicy juicy factness there for you....
 
I think I am actually in love with HRU.

SWOON!

Is Roy excited about being attacked with snogs and bum-rubs by a small pink creature with pigtails?! x
 
Dear Starzaan,

Surely there are more romantic things to greet Mr Mechanic with than armpit-scented candles? In fact, I'm sure you could buy some much nicer smelling ones if you were so inclined. Unless, of course you are going for the home-made, look-how-much-effort-I-spent-on-these-candles-now-let-me-seduce-you kind of thing, which I completely understand.

Now onto my question: approximately how many lemons do you need to make each candle?

Yours in a non-madlesbiany sort of way,

dibbin

P.S. I think we should start an "Ask Starzaan" thread, kind of like "Dear Deirdre" in The Sun, but with less mad skankiness.
 
Starzaan said:
And if your morags are that spectacular, why on EARTH are you talking to me? You should be running down a mountain in the rain looking all windswept and interesting, straight into the arms of some damp hunk...
Click to expand...

My Dear Starzaan

they may be spectacular, but not if i'm running down a mountain side in the rain looking all windswept and interesting... well interesting maybe, but only in a freakish-black-eyed-and-very-uncomfortable-looking sort of way. The interesting bit is me trying to run! :eek: think freakishly tall hippo in "show condition" :D

as for the damp hunk... he's just come back from British Military Fitness covered head to toe in mud and announced that he's putting his trainers in the washing machine, what setting should I put them on! :rolleyes:

lemon soup? does it come with a side order of Gin? could you freeze it in ice cube sized shapes?

your spectacularly moraged, non-madlesbiany friend

JH
 
No concussion here, just a ZEST for life... HOHOHOHOHO!!! I am SUCH a card :D


I think this "ask Starzaan" malarky is a spectacular idea... my morags are poised and ready to answer questions, but I would like to ENCOURAGE mad skankiness. Life is dull if you make all the mad skanks be quiet for a moment.

I have given up on my lemon candle. After the squillionth lemon I decided that I had done the lemon waxing to death, and made my super duper mechanic seducing lemon chicken thingy.

I am still rather worried about the fact that Mr Fit spent a lot of time with the French sex goddess today. I hope she didn't come over all French and snog him til he squeaked.

And Jenhunt, my sympathy for your giant man entrancing morags is dwindling EVEN MORE - military? Muddy?
Shut up and go and do disgusting things to your muddy man.
 
I am so excited about "Ask Starzaan", I think you'll be able to provide unique solutions to the challenges we HHOers face on a daily basis ... such as making prats of ourselves in front of fit men.

Learn Spanish, it beats French in the sexy language stakes. Or mysteriously develop an Irish accent.

I must agree with jenhunt, though, large wafting morags are a terrible affliction :(
 
I remember one word in Spanish - sacapuntas.

That's all I need to know!

I'm South African... so the languages I can speak fluently are about as unsexy as they come. Who's going to pounce on someone who sounds like they're hacking up a hairball!?

I speak French, but sadly don't have that beautiful "aren't I sexy don't you just want to ravish me" French accent when talking English. This upsets me.

My morags aren't exactly miniscule... but I shall hear no more bad words about gargantuan wafting morags. They're spectacular and viking esque so shut your traps!

Let the ask Starzaan extravaganza commence! Lemon candles and all!
 
BUT BUT BUT ... the South African accent is awesome! Men with that accent make my knees stop working and I lose the ability to speak in coherent sentences. Which is kind of unfortunate for me, y'see ... I want to be a court lawyer, so if I ever come against a man from SA in court, I will be doomed.

DOOMED, I tell you!
 
Well just think about the fact that he would be at his happiest when standing around a braai with ten other men, burning meat, tipping beer on it, and saying "yasus" every five minutes, then coming over and asking what's for lunch.

Sadly I had lessons from a lovely woman called Christine when I was sent over here to boarding school, to cover up my accent as I was bullied dreadfully for it... and it sort of stuck. I seem to whack out the hardcore woozer accent when I'm with my family, but with strangers I am, apparently, disgustingly posh.

How can I gradually fade up the accent... hmmmm........
 
I'm intrigued, what does 'yasus' mean?!

I'm apparently posh as well, but that's because my dad was in the RAF so I don't sound like the rest of the chavved-up locals here!

Definitely fade up the accent if you can, your mechanic might like it.
 
Yasus essentially means "I am a man and I have very large manly balls"

It's akin to grabbing ones crotch and saying "ooh yeah!"


I shall attempt to fade up the accent.... and report back!
 
Ok if this is Ask Starzaan then i have a question. (I am presuming your advice is due to your winning ways with the hunks of the countryside)

How can I spend all night talking to a guy on facebook then he makes an effort to come and see me at the bar i work in and i turn into a quivering wreck and hide at the front so he cant see me. I make an effort to look nice and know he is watching me but cant go near him because he is so fit (when i say fit I mean short midget type with dark hair and a bit chubby - I have starnge taste in men think short camp looking men)

I sadly have very un ample morags to flash in his face so any other ideas how i can stop being a wet blanket?

Thanks

Caz
 
1) Strap on a pair you big baby!!!!

2) find a local who you know a bit and whilst talking to them, latch onto something vaguely amusing and laugh like a drain that is about to die laughing having fallen in the giggle pond.

3) lots of hair swishing and bum waggling

4) look up at him and smile in a terribly alluring way (please, no psychotic grins)

5) talk to him for five minutes, and then excuse yourself saying that you really should go and see if "-------- needs a hand with ------------". This will leave him wanting more.

Sort yourself out you absolute raging ninny, he has come to see you. If the fit farrier came to see me at work I would (firstly die a little bit and have to go and squeal somewhere) like to think that I could pretend to have lots of friends and be terribly funny and popular, and then go prancing off like a mysterious prancing cinderella type woman, leaving him wanting more.

I wouldn't, but I can still tell you what to do 'cause I'm RIGHT!!!!
 
Thanks for that ahem 'constructive' advice. I have tried all the bum waggling hair swishing pretending the ugliest stinkiest guy in the bar is hilariously bantering with me when infact hes telling me about his pet weasel.

The talking to him part is harder - ho hum will work on growing some and talking to him - bizzare though he looks exactly like a garden gnome. perhaps my taste in men need to be sorted out first!

Have we had any pics of said fit farrier?
 
Dear Starzaan,

I am a terribly fat (Although terrifically bemoragged) person. I wish to lose weight but make my Farrier put some on. How do I do this whilst remaining cool, calm, elegant and sweet?

Fat FL from Flitwick (Not really but it fit quite well)
 
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