Moral Dilemma!!

J

JosieSmith

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Am I selfish? As I'm sure you all know (cos I've harped on about it enough
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), I have a horse on loan with a view to buy. She's 20 and good for her age so likely to last us at least another ten years, some of those obviously as retired. However, OH and I were discussing buying her yesterday and he piped up with 'what happens when we have kids'? We're getting married next year and will be closer to 30 than 20 when we get married and we have both agreed that we'd prefer to have kids beore 30. Obviously there is a big financial committment both with buying a horse and starting a family so we're not sure we'd manage both. But I don't want to buy my horse to find we can't afford to start a family, but I don't want to keep her on loan and have to give her up in a year or two if we start a family. Am I selfish for not wanting to give up my horse to start a family? I do want kids but not at the expense of my lovely neddy who I absolutely adore! Is it possible to manage both - new baby and a horse? Timewise I mean as well, obviously it will be hard work but OH could look after horse when I'm near giving birth, and until I'm fit enough to go back to yard, and then he could look after baby while I'm at yard sometimes, or is this a bit deluded?
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You can have both.....loads of us on here have a job,kids and horses.

It just means you have to be very organised...if OH is happy to help out when you are too 'large' to do anything and to do his share with the baby so you can escape to the yard for a breather then yes its do-able. Plus when the little one gets older you can train them up to do yard chores
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So no...not selfish at all....you CAN have horses and kids...(repeat after me...
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)
 
You definitely can have a job, horses and kids. You have to be veryorganised and have an understanding husband/partner, but it is definitely do-able. If i had a small baby, i would want to be on a yard that offers services, so if there was some dreadful emergency, or the baby was ill, i wouldn't have to schlep out to do the horse with a sick child in tow.

The good bit is when they grow up, and want to "help". Everything takes 42 times longer at first. Mine likes to make up feeds and sweep the walkways!
 
LOL! We've got ours poo-picking, and son will empty wheelbarrows and fill haynets.....quite often for a fee
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Daughter sweeps up and puts beds down etc.....they enjoy getting mucky and messing about.

Agree a yard with assisted DIY might be better so you can have someone to turn-out for you on amorning when you might be busy with the baby, or bring in for you at tea-time etc. A DIY yard that offers holiday livery etc is always a bonus too, although I'm sure you will find that quite often other liveries will help each other out.
 
Absolutely doable, in fact I would suggest that a horse is essential mental and physical therapy once you have had a baby!

Babies dont cost anywhere near as much as the media portray. We spent about £300 getting all the essentials, then about £200 on reusable nappies (reaping the benefit now). I think the baby kit manufactureres do a fab job duping people into thinking they must have everything brand new. Even buying everything 2nd hand I still have things I hardly used and wouldnt bother with again. The only big issue is if you give up work. I am going back part time at the begining of Oct and am very lucky as I have two Grannies foaming at the mouth in eagerness to get their hands on baby Evie. Shame horses are not so cheap!
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That makes me feel better. My yard is great and will help out if necessary, all I have to do is text YO same day and she'll do what needs doing. Money is always going to be a worry though and we're struggling as it is, but I suppose everyone struggles and if worse came to worse we could look at some dramatic ways to save money here and there without giving up horses. OH doesn't want me to give her up anyway as he knows I'm really happy and wouldn't be without her (sweet I know
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), and he'd be willing to help out (most times
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). I think he's just worried as he's not the organised one and he worries about how we'll cope, whereas I'm more likely to come up with a strategy to cope with these sorts of things so my mind is usually at rest. Though it panicks me that I can't budget for a baby like I can every other bill; livery costs x a month, shoes x a month and I'll have x left over. Don't know how much baby will cost!
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I'll have to go back to work I think, as much as I wouldn't want to, money would probably force me to. I'd love to be a stay-at-home mum (and the people who know me would be knocked dead by me making that statement
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) but needs must. My mam will be retired by then and she would be excellent day care, and my best mate wants to be a nanny so maybe I could arrange something with her too
 
I would say...no matter how much money you have....when you have kids AND horses....you're always bloody skint!

Bear in mind when you have young babies and children the social life goes out the window so less money spent there for a start off!

Life changes completely, and things you used to spend money on become less important...you will get by, Im sure of it.
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[ QUOTE ]
I would say...no matter how much money you have....when you have kids AND horses....you're always bloody skint!

Bear in mind when you have young babies and children the social life goes out the window so less money spent there for a start off!

Life changes completely, and things you used to spend money on become less important...you will get by, Im sure of it.
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So true - particulalary the bit about social life- OH and I just like to snuggle up now and wicker on about how fab our baby is - Thats probably why we dont get invited out much.

Allso - there is never a right time to have a baby and you never ever feel 'grown up' enough to have a family. I had my first at 18, ended up being a single mum, completely financialy insecure, 2nd was at 37 with fiancial stability and loving OH - felt nicer and safer but not that different.
 
I don't have a social life anyway
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. I agree though, I'm never going to feel ready and I'm terrified at the prospect, but we're not getting married until June next year so I've got until then at least to try and get my head around it
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. It's terrifying though, that much pain is not natural, I don't care what anyone says
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.

I used to be financially secure but now I have Bellerina not so secure and getting dangerously close to having my outgoings becoming more than my ingoings
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. Anyway, plenty time to think about it so I'm trying not to stress, but if I admit I'm a little excited, despite having spent the last x years being adamant that I didn't want kids, now it's embarrassing to admit that I do want them.
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I was 28 when I had my first, and 33 the second. Me and OH are looming towards 40 now but actually are still as daft as when we were 20.....
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Its true, I dont think you ever really feel grown up enough...on occasion me and OH stop, look around at our life and wonder when we grew old enough to have kids/mortgage etc etc etc.....
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So, in conclusion.....no money, no social life....a constant feeling of panic......makes you wonder why we bother really!

But....it IS worth it, definately
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[ QUOTE ]
I don't have a social life anyway
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. I agree though, I'm never going to feel ready and I'm terrified at the prospect, but we're not getting married until June next year so I've got until then at least to try and get my head around it
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. It's terrifying though, that much pain is not natural, I don't care what anyone says
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.

I didn't want kids, now it's embarrassing to admit that I do want them.
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im so glad others feel this way too, and im also glad other people have said you never feel grown-up enough to have kids i feel so relieved, im 25 now and have said to OH if we have kids ideally id want to start before i hit 30, but i dont feel 25 still feel 18 infact and the thought of being pregnant and giving birth especially scares the witts out of me.
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I think that you can have it all and as others said be organised!! We are thinking along teh same lines as you and have had the rational conversations etc- as many of my friends say you are never going to be able to afford it so do it any ways!!
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I have a friend who has her hubby sort bub before work whilst she does nag then she comes home and does baby etc then nana has her for the evening shift

Good luck xxx
 
Have just read more replies and i am sooo glad you lot dont feel 'grown up' enough.
However I look at my friends who haveh had babies and my friends ,ooking lovely being pregnant and think yep def b4 we are 30!!!
 
Thanks everyone, my outlook is much better than it was earlier, I was worried we were going to have to give up Bellerina but it seems it can be managed with a bit of organisation and hard work (nothing new there then). An exciting new chapter appears to be starting in my life, scary
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!
 
Just to echo what everyone else has said - you really can have it all - if you are organised! My hubby looks after our baby (now nearly 2!) when I ride - and it is great fun now we can all go out hacking around the village together, although I often have to leave them behind and meet them up later.

We are now expecting number two - and have made every preparation we can, we are at a yard where we feel comfortable and know that people will help should I need to stay in hospital.

I am a stay at home mum - and it is always a battle money wise, but as someone else says - it always is, no matter when you decide to have a baby. The two that never go without are the horse and the child, who both need shoes every 4 - 6 weeks and unfortunately seem to be on some strange schedule where they both need them the same week!

Babies really do come into their own at toddler age - you get all your mucking out and haynet filling done for free (although it often takes us three hours to accomplish what I manage in twenty minutes).
 
If you look at your expenditure, you'll probably find there's a lot you can give up if you don't go to work. I used to buy a sandwich or lunch quite often when working, and it wasn't always claimable on expenses. I used to spend ££ on very smart clothes for work as it was part of the job. I used to think nothing of buying a paperback or magazine in the supermarket. I bought more ready meals and ate out more than we do now. I spent ££ on travelling to work.
When I first went on maternity pay (the first few weeks were at 90%) I felt really rich!
I also bought washable nappies (many councils now give some cash back to cloth nappy users), breastfed for months, didn't buy any equipment or clothing new - you get offered lots and there's NCT nearly new sales - tip: join and volunteer to help at the sale, you can then shop before the rest of the public are allowed in. You can also if you have more time at home, grow more food and you'll discover that ready meals are actually the portions of a big batch you coooked a week earlier.
You could also look at how transferable your skills are to working from home or for yourself. I started my own mail order business to maintain my income at about 50-70% of the level it was when I was working full time, and we've never spent any money on childcare, not even in the school holidays, so I'm always there when needed. The added bonus is that as I don't need to spend as much on me we've been able to spend more on paying our mortgage off earlier so now have cheaper repayments, and we can afford for my daughter to indulge in her riding.
 
Wow that sounds great. I'd love to stay at home and will probably look at options nearer the time. Working from home would be ideal. I'd love to run a livery yard but I'm too scared to branch out and try it and I don't have any capital to put into it so I'd need a pretty hefty bank loan
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. That would be brill though, free livery for my horse and plenty of time to look after baby. I could even get another horse... Now I'm going to far I know
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!
 
whats NCT?

also car boots are a good place to get clothes and stuff, as we all now babies grow really quickly so it hardly gets used.
 
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