Moving abroad??

Lillybob

Lillybob

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Okay so this is only partly equine related so I apologise if this is in the wrong section but i'm having a bit of a problem. I'll have to give a bit of background context for this to make sense.
So me and my boyfriend were together for about 14 months when we broke up earlier this year. It was a horrible breakup and for the most part was circumstancial. We spent about 6-8 weeks apart before very quickly realising that we both were being very stubborn and making big problems from nothing at all. We didn't really talk for the break up period and it meant that when we started again, we realised how much we lost and decided to give it another go. It was the best choice I ever made because ever since then, the relationship has been beyond perfect and better than it ever had been before. Not just in a "honeymoon period" sense, but our attitude to certain aspects of our lives had changed and we were just finding that life was better if we were together.
Anywho, we started thinking about our future together and the whole thing started getting really serious, but in a really good way.
He had planned a 2 month holiday to the USA last year and left for that about 6 days ago to stay with a friend out there who he is studying with in the UK. I knew I was really going to miss him but we have skype and when he came home things were going to be happening. I just got my own house for while i'm studying at univeristy and he has a brilliant apprenticeship starting in september. Now, a few hours ago he calls me on skype and tells me that things out there are a million times better than he imagined and while we had spoken about moving there one day, he now wants to move there next year when his friend moves back and he can get a job with his friends family. I just finished my first year of university and have a horse here.
I'm now thinking that this is basically going to result in a breakup because he said if he gets the chance, he's going to take it no matter what but he wishes I could go with him. Half of me wants to say ******* it, go with him somehow (marry him maybe?) and find a job over there and just see what happens, hopefully take my horse with me.
The other half says that I need to carry on my study, maintain my life here and it's just not going to work for us. I'm in a very emotional state now, as life since we got back together has never been as good and it's at the point where everything I want in life feels like it means barely anything without him to share it with.
Am I being dramatic? Does anyone have any advice? Finances are also a big factor for me at the moment.
I feel really young to be thinking about this stuff, but then again, i'd rather do something stupid and whimsical now than when I have children and other ties. I'm so conflicted :(

EDIT: I also keep thinking to myself, if I went with him and we didn't work out, I could at least say I tried and come back home where I have family and some qualifications. If I didn't go, would I always wonder what if, or would I be thankful I didn't make a huge mistake.
 
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Wow that's a toughie! Tbh it sounds like he's a bit caught up in things, having fun with his friend in a new place, it's understandable, although it's a bit rough to drop it on you while you're all alone!

I would take this time to think everything through carefully then discuss properly when he is back. If the only way to live in the U.S. With him is to marry him then it's not just a case of 'see how it goes' is it?

I once gave up my studies for a man I loved who would not wait for me to finish my degree. It was a mistake. Now I realise he didn't really love me because if he did he would have waited the extra 18 months for me, what's that in a lifetime really?

I have also moved abroad to be with a man I love and after so many years in his country, he has now moved back to UK with me as I was never happy there. I think relationships have to be about give and take and you have to compromise. Good luck whatever you decide :)
 
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Personally I think he should have had the decency to come back first and talk it through with you not via a Skype message.

Also let me tell you it's not easy getting visa to live in USA they are quite strict so you would either have to be in employment yourself or marry him straight away.

Don't feel pressured into doing something you do not feel comfortable with. Sounds like he's rushing you.

I would have a good talk when he gets back - go through the pros and cons.
 
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Unless things have changed as an unqualified person he will find it almost impossible to get a residency in the US, it is a bit like trying to get into Australia but tougher for a British person, you have to be employable in a job that no one else can do that already lives there, the option of working for the friends family may not actually be possible he may well find he has to come back to get qualified before there is any chance of legally living over there.

I would wait until he gets back to look into it, once the enthusiasm of being somewhere new wears off he may realise he needs to slow down and consider what is best for you both, you have your whole life ahead it would be a shame to give up your education for what may not be as fantastic as he thinks, everywhere seems wonderful when you are on holiday.
 
If he was a bit more mature he'd not be asking you to give up your course. If you really want to be with him let him get established there, finish your degree and then think of moving. His rose coloured spectacles about the place might have come off by then.
 
Thank you everyone. I think I was just very flustered last night and he said he would never ask me to give up my dreams (my study) but he hoped i'd grant him the same thing about moving. So neither of us want to deny eachother what we want to do which is a good thing I guess. I feel like him getting a visa would be hard as well but he seems to think he can do it with the help of his friends family. Two of the children of that family are living in the UK to study which is how my boyfriend met his friend (they're on the same course) and when they both finish the course, that's when he was on about coming back at the same time as his friend. He hasn't worked it all out yet and he says it's just an idea but the crooks of it are saying that if he can, he will.
I know he always wanted this, but we spoke about maybe trying to move there together one day when we were both more qualified and classed as skilled workers. I just really don't fancy an international long distance relationship. I've done a 5 hour drive relationship before and that was a pain in the arse as it was! I know it works for a lot of people but I like to be able to hug and laugh and even just sit and do nothing but I like to do it with my partner physically with me.

I slept on the whole thing and decided I probably wouldn't want to drop my study because I got my results last night and I actually did really well. There's also my beautiful horse to think about. There's no way I could afford the over-seas flying for a while and I would also worry generally about moving her somewhere so much hotter! (California, LA)

I guess the best case scenario for myself would be his visa being declined and him staying here with me, but I feel awful for even slightly thinking about wanting that! I just almost at this point, wish that we hadn't got back together if he ends up leaving. The last few months, I felt like I feel in love with him all over again and I'd hate to lose that. Men, eh?

I do appreciate all the comments and reading them is really helping me keep a clear head so please, keep them coming if anyone has anymore thoughts :)
 
be positive said:
Unless things have changed as an unqualified person he will find it almost impossible to get a residency in the US, it is a bit like trying to get into Australia but tougher for a British person, you have to be employable in a job that no one else can do that already lives there, the option of working for the friends family may not actually be possible he may well find he has to come back to get qualified before there is any chance of legally living over there.
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So what level of qualification would allow you to be classed as a skilled worker?
 
Lillybob said:
So what level of qualification would allow you to be classed as a skilled worker?
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I have no idea but I do know someone who went out there to start a business, he got conned out of some money by his business partner so ended up working rather than getting the business up and running, eventually he and his wife had to return as they could not get a green card despite his wife having a job that was not easily filled by a US worker, they may have been unlucky as I think there is a points system and by losing the money they had meant they dropped below a certain level, con man ended up in jail but they didn't see any of their money again.
 
be positive said:
I have no idea but I do know someone who went out there to start a business, he got conned out of some money by his business partner so ended up working rather than getting the business up and running, eventually he and his wife had to return as they could not get a green card despite his wife having a job that was not easily filled by a US worker, they may have been unlucky as I think there is a points system and by losing the money they had meant they dropped below a certain level, con man ended up in jail but they didn't see any of their money again.
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That sounds like a horrible situation :o I didn't realise it was so difficult
 
Hi. Myself and my boyfriend are together 7 years, he always told me he'd love to move abroad but tbh I never thought it would happen. Anyway, he decided to move to Canada (work are transferring him - highly skilled).

I have absolutely no interest in going, I have two horses here (bred one of them) a job I love and all me family/friends. So we compromised. He's going for two years and I am joining him for 6 months. After that we will visit. When he comes back we are FINALLY buying our own place with a few acres. I'm excited about my trip now!

We are quite independent and I think that makes a huge difference. I'm not sure that I'd be happy if he dropped that bombshell while I was studying. He also planned it a year in advance. I would say finish your studies tbh it doesn't sound like he compromised his plan for yours.

Best of luck to you I know how tough it is x
 
Kacey88 said:
Hi. Myself and my boyfriend are together 7 years, he always told me he'd love to move abroad but tbh I never thought it would happen. Anyway, he decided to move to Canada (work are transferring him - highly skilled).

I have absolutely no interest in going, I have two horses here (bred one of them) a job I love and all me family/friends. So we compromised. He's going for two years and I am joining him for 6 months. After that we will visit. When he comes back we are FINALLY buying our own place with a few acres. I'm excited about my trip now!

We are quite independent and I think that makes a huge difference. I'm not sure that I'd be happy if he dropped that bombshell while I was studying. He also planned it a year in advance. I would say finish your studies tbh it doesn't sound like he compromised his plan for yours.

Best of luck to you I know how tough it is x
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This really helped a lot :) Thank you. Nice to hear from someone who's working around a similar thing without having to make either party unhappy.

At the moment I am taking a course of which I can use a year to go on international placement. I am currently thinking about trying to grab a placement somewhere near to where he will be to see what work prospects would be like, the area and if I like it etc. Then i'll know if I ever want to go at all and I am still studying that way.
 
Lillybob said:
At the moment I am taking a course of which I can use a year to go on international placement. I am currently thinking about trying to grab a placement somewhere near to where he will be to see what work prospects would be like, the area and if I like it etc. Then i'll know if I ever want to go at all and I am still studying that way.
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That sounds like a good plan, and well done on your good results :-)
 
UPDATE - He just broke up with me. Well I guess that's made the decision for me :') Thank you for your input anyway everyone, I appreciated it loads.
 
*hugs* although I was really thinking he sounded a bit of a nob sorry! Anybody worth changing your life for won't demand you to do it x
 
Aww so sorry OP that's horrible but trust me you've had a lucky escape! Not only did I comment that I thought it bad of him to ask you to move out there via Skype he hasn't even got the decency you to break up with you in person! Unbelievable.

You are young and sound like a lovely genuine person you will soon meet somebody that deserves you and will consider your needs as well as their own. Concentrate on your studies and just go out and have fun x
 
Sounds like he has been swept off his feet by his trip to the USA, and has shown perhaps some less desirable personality traits because of it.

You will definitely meet someone who appreciates YOU. Long distance "relationships" work fine in confident couples; people starting out in academia for example will often follow jobs for 2-3 year contracts all over the world and these relationships frequently do work out, but you need to both want the same thing and have the same dreams.
 
From your post they didn't sound particularly reliable, so sounds like you dodged a bullet anyway!
If you want to move abroad one day (and why not?!) do it on your own terms, when you are ready to and not having to rely on a boyf/marry them etc to do it. Secure yourself a job and sort yourself out so you are not leaning on someone else (it's about your new venture more than it all hinging on a relationship).
My boyf is from abroad and would like us to move back there one day, but there is no way I would go without preparing myself first, (for me stuff like properly learning the language, being confident to drive on the other side of the road etc). I know from extended trips with him there it can be extremely isolating to be in a foreign country and have to totally rely on just your partner. Never mind if you broke up as well!
 
Thanks everyone. Who knows, maybe everything will all work out afterall. I think the bit that gets me is that we got back together and had so many plans and then it's all gone down the drain. It's like the first breakup all over again.

Conclusion: I don't like men right now :p Horses are better!
 
If you get back together and consider it again I would highly recommend this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Work...sr=8-1&keywords=living+and+working+in+the+usa

My husband and I looked at moving there some years ago and got quite far down the line, the book was extremely useful

On balance I am glad we didnt go now, my husband is in the sort of profession that leaves him open to being sued and I didnt fancy that much!
 
Thank you, i'll keep that in mind! At the minute I'm torn between hoping he's just off on a kick and rethinks the whole thing or just wishing him luck and not bothering anymore. It's always hard to do the sensible thing when feelings are involved.
 
Don't worry about it at this stage.
I moved here 18 months ago from UK, I live 2hrs north of LA and it is pretty amazeballs, I'm not surprised he loves it.
HOWEVER it is very hard to get a green card, like neigh on impossible.
I married a US citizen and had his child who had dual citizenship (UK and USA) and I had to prove that I was financially Independant (they want every immigrant to prove assets of at least 18k) and even then I was only given a temporary green card for two years that I have to renew. It also took 6 months for the application to process.
So even if this family sponsored him as a worker it is still a very long and complicated process and he probably won't get it.
It sounds to me like he's with his friend, loving the beach and weather and getting carried away. He also sounds really immature. I'd focus on yourself if I was you and your horse and your course :).
 
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