Mums - did you regret a step down?

FestiveFuzz

FestiveFuzz

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So I’m nearly 2 months postpartum with my second and starting to think about getting back in the saddle.

I currently have a gorgeous rising 6yo that I bought during my last mat leave. He’s absolutely my usual type, fancy enough to see me achieve my dream of riding in tails someday, but also sane enough to not need riding every day. In a lot of ways he’s perfect for me, but he’s not stopped growing since I bought him and is enormous now (and regularly going bum high 🙈) he’s also had a few Kevin moments, and whilst I’m not remotely scared of him, being a mum does make me pause for thought a bit, and rightly or wrongly his size makes me worry more about being seriously hurt if I come off.

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps he’s more than I need right now, and that maybe I’d be happier with an older been there and done it type but equally worry that the grass isn’t greener and i’ll regret selling him once I’m feeling more confident again. Horses are kept at home, so I don’t have the luxury of company so any minor wobbles can quickly grow.

Has anyone else gone from competing at a decent level to happy hacker during this phase of their life. Was it the right decision or did you live to regret it?

In an ideal world I’d find a low level happy hack type on loan so I can trial this thinking before taking the leap but I know that’s likely wishful thinking and I’m probably going to need to commit to selling to fund the next unless I can find something for mid 4 figures (again unlikely in the current market!).

I’d really appreciate any thoughts from those who’ve been in my shoes.
 
Not been in your shoes, re children but if he's perfect for you except maybe his size I would seriously consider keeping him.
You can get hurt just as bad on a smaller horse as as bigger one & at least there is more to wrap your legs around should he have a moment.
He wont care if he's hacking only for a while or even forever. Buying a safe sensible and more importantly sound horse is extremely stressful and difficult. Keep him - unless he's 18hh??
 
If you like this horse could you beef up your safety precautions while you get your confidence back? I don't have kids but when I came back to riding as an adult I was much more worried about falling off so I bought an air jacket. It's a bit of a psychological safety blanket but it has also quite literally saved my neck (and my ribs, and my collar bones) in a pretty horrible fall I had a year or two ago.

If the horse is getting enough work to stay sane and not go backwards in his training (i.e. you can do the minimum he needs) I would say keep him. Remember horses have no ambitions.....if he will hack safely then he could be your happy hacker with time. Then if you want to step back up you have a horse to do it with.
 
Another thought.Do you have a friend with the sort of horse you have in mind? If so could you perhaps have a couple of rides to see how you feel?
 
Ok so my baby is now 3.5. I show jumped when I was pregnant and then re commenced about 8 weeks pp. I didn’t do anything crazy, I’ve always topped out at 1m before and after babies!

I had my worst ever fall when my baby was 13 months old and that ruined my confidence and I’ve been working really hard to repair it ever since. The what ifs ring be rug loud in my head.

I have a sharp thoroughbred, and I was very worried how he would cope with the reduced work. He has in fact thrived and is now a chilled out but also sharp horse. We still show jump over little jumps, and refocused to dressage. Going to give medium a crack this year. Though also planning to get back out eventing!

Largely I hack. You’ll find me on the trails most of the time and schooling maybe once a week. One of the biggest changes for me has been learning that saddle time is what I want, competing is just a bonus. I also have terrible mum guilt when I’m away competing!

Some advice that was given to me that I wish I’d paid more attention to, from a good coach I respect a lot, don’t make any big changes in the first year after you have kids. Don’t go up any levels, just keep the status quo. I wish I’d paid more attention but I was determined not to change. I am very different now but I think I’m a better person now than I was. I have more hobbies outside of horses.

I also know that as a mum, I want to feel as safe as possible riding. My two horses are super. Henry is sharp, but he’s not stupid. Just a bit energetic and a little spooky sometimes. I’ve had him for 8 years though so I know him inside and out. My old boy is the same.

Basically, I’ve stepped down, am very happy having done so, kinda miss eventing, really enjoy hacking and have prioritised feeling safe and using horse time as something that gives me the energy to get me through the big feeling of being 3!
 
Thanks for your thoughts ladies! So I guess part of it is his size (I’ve not measured him but I suspect he’s currently easily 17.1/17.2 and wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up bigger) and partly fear that I just don’t have the time nor the confidence to realistically bring him on right now.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been here as I initially set out to buy a low level allrounder last time, then worried I’d be bored by it so ended up with a WB again. If I’m brutal I think I fell into the trap of buying what I want, rather than what I need but it’s hard to accept I’m not the same rider I was in my 20s, nor that I’m unlikely to ever truly find a replacement to my heart horse that I lost a few years back 😢
 
pistolpete said:
Keep him! Grass is always greener. You know him he sounds like he’ll improve more and extra safety gear is much much cheaper than a new horse! Another option is find a really good sharer who can maybe do some of the work? Last option pay someone to ride him once a week to take the pressure off?
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I came off him in quite spectacular fashion about a month into owning him so have already upped the safety gear thankfully, and he’s currently away at my trainer’s yard after having the winter off to chill so I’ve got a couple of months to sit with the idea and also a safe and supportive environment to get back on him.

My husband has just suggested maybe looking to lease a schoolmaster type or buy/loan a veteran happy hacker so I might put out some feelers and see what comes back from that.
 
Could you consider a 'swop' with more ambitious/ pro young rider who perhaps has an older horse going no further?

I bet they are out there due to the high cost of purchasing an up and coming replacement now!
 
Caski said:
Could you consider a 'swop' with more ambitious/ pro young rider who perhaps has an older horse going no further?

I bet they are out there due to the high cost of purchasing an up and coming replacement now!
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Funnily enough I just mentioned this to the pro friend I’ve just reached out to about potential leases.
 
lme said:
I’d keep him. We’ve turned several large young horses bred for sport into family horses ridden 3 times a week and occasionally turned away for a few weeks when life gets busy. They seemed pretty happy with their new low key lives.
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Outside of his size/greenness he’s a complete dude so this could well be the route I take. If I were the rider I were in my 20s he’d be my dream horse which is why I’m so on the fence with what to do.
 
Widgeon said:
If you like this horse could you beef up your safety precautions while you get your confidence back? I don't have kids but when I came back to riding as an adult I was much more worried about falling off so I bought an air jacket. It's a bit of a psychological safety blanket but it has also quite literally saved my neck (and my ribs, and my collar bones) in a pretty horrible fall I had a year or two ago.

If the horse is getting enough work to stay sane and not go backwards in his training (i.e. you can do the minimum he needs) I would say keep him. Remember horses have no ambitions.....if he will hack safely then he could be your happy hacker with time. Then if you want to step back up you have a horse to do it with.
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FestiveFuzz said:
Thanks for your thoughts ladies! So I guess part of it is his size (I’ve not measured him but I suspect he’s currently easily 17.1/17.2 and wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up bigger) and partly fear that I just don’t have the time nor the confidence to realistically bring him on right now.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been here as I initially set out to buy a low level allrounder last time, then worried I’d be bored by it so ended up with a WB again. If I’m brutal I think I fell into the trap of buying what I want, rather than what I need but it’s hard to accept I’m not the same rider I was in my 20s, nor that I’m unlikely to ever truly find a replacement to my heart horse that I lost a few years back 😢
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As someone who's the wrong side of 40 and have recently purchased and been decked twice so far off a 5yo 18hh1 wb. I have realised I definitely don't bounce like i used to lol. I have swithered with should I have bought a schoolmaster but ultimately I do love my new boy. He's helping mend my broken heart since I had to let my heart horse go at the end of the year. Unfortunately he might be mending my heart but he's breaking my bones, but he's still going no where lol
 
I can’t answer from the mum perspective but I am someone who used to be out competing to a decent level and who stopped. Work and life got in the way. I still had horses and rode, and in fact now only have companion ponies. I don’t miss competing, life and priorities change.

And I think the good old ‘buy the horse you need now not the horse you think you’ll need in future’ still applies. If a steady hack is what makes you more comfortable at this point now, that’s what you need. I can’t think of anything worse than worrying about the horse you’ve got to get on, or feeling like if you don’t get on you’ll regret it next time, mum or not.
 
I am lucky both my daughters rode and did PC, so deciding what I wanted to do came second,and I have never regretted that choice. I had fourteen years of doing things together with them, they are now in their thirties, and its an extra life skill they have. Selling my horse funded the purchase of a nice pony.
I never like selling, at one time we had four ponies, the one grown out of, the one ridden most of the time, the step up, and the one to bring along.
 
I imagine if you asked around someone will have a happy hacker type you could loan - there's always ones advertised around me. Then you could see if that's what you want longer term or if the talent of your big boy is really want you need.

Ps - quite capable of spectacular falls off a 14.2 here!
 
Another vote to keep him, just change your plans/expectations with him.

If you are used to riding well schooled, big/nice moving horses you might find that while you are happy hacking, you are happiest sat on a bit of class, not a safer dobbin, who might be shorter striding or a bit more wooden.

Definitely try something else before you buy or sell to see what you enjoy sitting on.
 
Honestly, I would look for a horse that fits in with your life right now, one that you can pick up and put down and is happy with that and that you feel truly confident riding. I keep my horses at home and my gelding was happy to fit in with family life and eventually escort the children on their ponies - we have had hacking adventures and horsey holidays all over the country. Children have now grown up and I am so grateful for all the fun adventures that we had as a family. I still have my gelding and I am so grateful to him for being such an easy and kind horse and part of all our lives - if I could have cloned him I would have!
 
sollimum said:
Honestly, I would look for a horse that fits in with your life right now, one that you can pick up and put down and is happy with that and that you feel truly confident riding. I keep my horses at home and my gelding was happy to fit in with family life and eventually escort the children on their ponies - we have had hacking adventures and horsey holidays all over the country. Children have now grown up and I am so grateful for all the fun adventures that we had as a family. I still have my gelding and I am so grateful to him for being such an easy and kind horse and part of all our lives - if I could have cloned him I would have!
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This in spades!! Honestly as kids get older the time commitment doesn’t get any less…you just get sucked into more activities 🤪 you need something that you can pick up and put back down, doesn’t matter if you can’t ride a week at a time etc as you just never know with kids what’s around the corner…they are usually ill with something the first 2-3 years of life 😆

I’ve recently sold a happy hacker type horse who got rather excited in winter and I just didn’t have time to ride him regularly (my daughter is 10) I do work almost full time too though! So I’m back to being horseless and far less stressed! Just focus on my daughter and her pony now.

Obviously everyone’s situation is different and it does depend how much additional help you have with childcare and someone to help out last minute if things come up etc x
 
I lost my confidence after a nasty fall whilst pregnant with my youngest so I sold my horse then loaned a super safe mare when my children were older and had their own ponies as I missed riding.

My mare was only ever intended to be a happy hack as I felt that's all I wanted to do anymore but after a few years the arena and the jumps started calling to me and my mare just couldn't do want I now wanted so I ended up buying Will with the intention of him being my competition horse. He is bigger, sharper and quirkier than my mare and I did have another major confidence dip in my first year with him and didn't actually ride him for about a year as everytime I went to get on I froze. He's a pretty horse and very eye catching so the stubborn part of me didn't want to sell him so I kept him and did lots of groundwork with him and in hand showing which seemed to help both of us, he had been through a lot before I got him and wasn't the most secure in himself which didn't help things.

I kept my loan mare she's 24, semi retired and with me for the rest of her life and I still have Will and we are doing what I bought him for although not at the heights or level I planned because it hasn't been plain sailing...covid, laminitis, back surgery and more confidence blips...and he's still sharp and quirky but we now seen to really gel and when trainers have hopped on for any reason they, and I, can really tell that he prefers me riding him than anyone else. I have also had more falls off my super safe mare than I have off my sharp gelding!

Sorry my post is a bit longer than I intended I just wanted to show that accidents and falls can happen even with the safe option and that horses don't care if it takes longer to reach a goal we have, or even if it's never reached, so if you feel that this horse is something special don't give up on them yet.
 
Thanks so much for everyone’s thoughts, it’s really helpful to work through this with folks that are on the outside/have been in my shoes.

I think the crux of it is I’ve just not found anything I’ve truly clicked with since losing M and I think 5 years on he’s ended up on a bit of a pedestal. My husband regularly reminds me it wasn’t plain sailing with M in the early days, and there were plenty of tears in the first year, but that pales into insignificance when I think of everything we achieved, he was very much my horse of a lifetime.

My current boy is the spitting image of M, just supersized! Outside of the odd Kevin moment he’s actually pretty chill for a youngster, but I do find his size daunting, my comfort zone is around 15.3/16hh really. At home it’s not so much of a problem but when he gets het up he feels like you’re holding a highly strung dinosaur and at 5’5” that can be fairly daunting!

In terms of whether I’m a happy hacker or more into competing, I think the reality is I love doing a bit of everything and always strive for my horses to have a varied life. I was fortunate with M that he was schooled to PSG and I had endless fun playing around with him in the school and getting out to clinics. In reality whilst I loved competing, what I loved more was the journey. Competitions were mostly just a way of me benchmarking our progress/how our training was going. That said, some of my favourite moments with him were hacking for hours as we nattered away with friends. That side of things doesn’t really exist since we’ve moved and keep the horses at home. There are a few horsey neighbours but they’re mostly retired so it’s not always easy to arrange hacks around work and children. I guess that’s part of what has me leaning towards something more experienced as I’d feel more confident hacking solo with someone that knows its job in that respect.
 
I would keep him, and find a nice pro to ride him for a couple of years. That way the horse gets the benefit of the schooling and competing but you can still ride, compete, do clinics as you like.

And then I'd buy a second horse 😆 to hack, at a sensible size for little people to also get to know. A nice 14.3/15hh Araby one perhaps 😇
 
LadyGascoyne said:
I would keep him, and find a nice pro to ride him for a couple of years. That way the horse gets the benefit of the schooling and competing but you can still ride, compete, do clinics as you like.

And then I'd buy a second horse 😆 to hack, at a sensible size for little people to also get to know. A nice 14.3/15hh Araby one perhaps 😇
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I like your thinking, the trouble with this plan is without selling him I have about £3-5k to play with which I doubt would even buy me one leg in the current market 😂
 
Bobthecob15 said:
This in spades!! Honestly as kids get older the time commitment doesn’t get any less…you just get sucked into more activities 🤪 you need something that you can pick up and put back down, doesn’t matter if you can’t ride a week at a time etc as you just never know with kids what’s around the corner…they are usually ill with something the first 2-3 years of life 😆

I’ve recently sold a happy hacker type horse who got rather excited in winter and I just didn’t have time to ride him regularly (my daughter is 10) I do work almost full time too though! So I’m back to being horseless and far less stressed! Just focus on my daughter and her pony now.

Obviously everyone’s situation is different and it does depend how much additional help you have with childcare and someone to help out last minute if things come up etc x
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In terms of this, our “village” so to speak mostly consists of my husband and I and some lovely friends. Family are several hours away and in poor health so whilst willing, always need us to be around when they’re helping with the kids. Outside of mat leave I work 4 days but plan to increase back to full time next year.
 
In two or three years (or less depending on which child likes ponies) you will likely need something you can lead a Shetland/Welsh type off. Little children usually prefer to hack and the endless walking if you are on foot is not so fun! So I would look for something smaller (easier to get on/off when they drop gloves/tissues/whatever or for gates etc) 14.3-15hh is a nice size for all that. Find one that loves to hack but doesn’t like a child rider and they’ll be inexpensive or loan. You can always keep the current horse alongside. Have a sharer/loaner until the children are older and more independent.

My little NF is only 12.3hh (I’m small!) but is absolutely worth her weight in gold. She actively helps me with the kids and their ponies, will happily be abandoned to eat the hedge while I sort out my children and is just the best friend I could ever want. She’s a far cry from my competitive days with my TB, but this is a different phase of life and there is much joy to be found in kids and their ponies too. She’s also a completely different pony from the TB I adored and who can never be replaced - and that helps too. Last summer the kids got too keen and I ended up walking for some extra rides. So I picked up a safe but quirky (fun basically!) cob cross for £1k. She’s brilliant fun but will also do the ‘mother’s help’ job. She just finds children on her back anxiety inducing and wants someone to take charge thank you!
 
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