Musings on Whether to Buy this flaming Horse or Not

[Chavhorse]

Well Beauti/Diva has now been at the yard for 6 weeks on trial I have two weeks left to go.

Apart from the being a PITA with other horses and costing me two vet bill excesses and a new rug for horses she has terrorized, she has not put a hoof wrong with riding, groundwork or on the ground. We have sorted out the anti social behavior by placing her in solitary confinement for the time being and she is a lot happier and calmer being on her own with other horses on either side of her.

However i was kind of expecting in 6 weeks to feel a bit of a spark about her, some kind of affection and to be honest I don't. Now whether this is my fault I am not sure I know that I miss my lad like mad and miss his never ending "Knobber" capability of making me smile. She just doesn't, she is very sweet, willing to ride but I just feel totally ambivalent about her.

I have a lesson booked at 3pm and to be totally honest I am feeling no excitement at either riding or going to the yard and spending time with her.

I know I am not horsed out as I have a 2 day course booked in the UK at the end of the month followed by a weeks worth of riding Big V and other horses at kelly's and I am really looking forward to that.

Blah!

 

[ThePony]

If she does what you want her too, is healthy, the right age and type, and if her preferences for company can be managed then I would have her! It took me over a year to get a spark for my mare. They can be more complex characters than geldings I think and do take more 'getting to know' time. If she ticks your boxes then I would go for it - a bond and connection will take much more time.

 

[POLLDARK]

Perhaps, at the back of your mind, she just isn't the boy you lost & that may be the only problem. Give her time, she sounds lovely, I'm sure she will grow on you, they all seem to unless they try something really bad. A good guage of how you feel is if you are hurt when someone says something horrible about your horse, if you don't feel the need to defend her then I'll be surprised.

 

[Jorel]

"If you aren't itching to ride and are getting no enjoyment from the horse then no matter how wonderful they are they are the wrong horse for you. Owning a horse is for the enjoyment of it, if your heart isn't in it with a specific horse it will become more of an expensive chore."

Some very good advice given to us by a man on the yard with us. :/

 

[sheep]

If she does what you want her too, is healthy, the right age and type, and if her preferences for company can be managed then I would have her! It took me over a year to get a spark for my mare. They can be more complex characters than geldings I think and do take more 'getting to know' time. If she ticks your boxes then I would go for it - a bond and connection will take much more time.

Perhaps, at the back of your mind, she just isn't the boy you lost & that may be the only problem. Give her time, she sounds lovely, I'm sure she will grow on you, they all seem to unless they try something really bad. A good guage of how you feel is if you are hurt when someone says something horrible about your horse, if you don't feel the need to defend her then I'll be surprised.

Going along with the other posters, if she's all you want in all respects apart from her ASBO behaviour, then maybe you should take the plunge. As she begins to settle more, then she may start feeling more like yours.

I noticed you had a thread a few weeks back about 'falling in love' with her- remember the initial happiness you had and fingers crossed there are no more incidents with her. Maybe all the stress over the ASBO behaviour has overridden how you feel, once it subsides you might feel the love again.

Fingers crossed for you! She is a stunner. I see you're in the Netherlands- I've just got here and wow there are some fabulous horses around!

 

[Kenzo]

Hmmm I think I know what you mean, I like a horse with a big personality, even if it means they are a complete ar*e at times, if it's good character or bad character I don't care, as long as there is some form of character! but something that has about as much personality as a plank of wood I'd be getting a bit bored, well not bored, probably the wrong phrase to use but I'd need something to make everyday that little bit different.

But sometimes it can take a while for a horses character to come out and I do think that they act differently with different people, so it could be that you just need to find what makes her tick a bit more, equally what doesn't, get a bit more of a bond, give her chance to get to know you as well, go treat her to a new wardobe and spoil her, you might feel differently in a few months time?

 

[Chavhorse]

Hmmm I think I know what you mean, I like a horse with a big personality, even if it means they are a complete ar*e at times, if it's good character or bad character I don't care, as long as there is some form of character! but something that has about as much personality as a plank of wood I'd be getting a bit bored, well not bored, probably the wrong phrase to use but I'd need something to make everyday that little bit different.

But sometimes it can take a while for a horses character to come out and I do think that they act differently with different people, so it could be that you just need to find what makes her tick a bit more, equally what doesn't, get a bit more of a bond, give her chance to get to know you as well, go treat her to a new wardobe and spoil her, you might feel differently in a few months time?

Sheep - there indeed some stunning horses about but the whole riding milarky is taken very seriously here) where abouts in NL are you?

Kenzo - nail on head I think, my old lad had such a HUGE personality, I never used to go down to the yard without someone saying "well guess what your horse did today" and I think what makes it worse is since he has been in the UK he is doing so well and is now so much calmer that I have ridden him and loved it, he is still the lovable complete knobber of old though and has become a firm yard favorite in only a couple of months.

I suppose I am feeling a bit like I am in a rebound relationship at the moment, and maybe to bring out her best she deserves more than that.

 

[sheep]

Sheep - there indeed some stunning horses about but the whole riding milarky is taken very seriously here) where abouts in NL are you?

I'm in Hilversum, hopefully going to sort out some horsy fun soon- horseless myself but the kids I'm looking after are very into them, so have optimistically brought all my stuff with me! Quite happy that it is taken seriously here, might try and get some 'proper' lessons

 

[Wagtail]

What a shame! I really wanted you buy this horse until you posted this thread. No, I would NEVER buy a horse that I didn't feel a spark for. However, having said that, two horses that I was given, who are sadly no longer with me, I would never have bought. I never got that spark with them, but boy do I miss them being here as they were SO sensible! They were both worth their weight in gold in terms of being able to hack out anywhere on them and being the perfect escort for others with nervous horses wanting to hack. I have two complete 'jackoffasaurs' who I wouldn't dream of escorting anyone on, let alone hacking out alone on! So even though I would not go out and buy a horse that I didn't feel that spark for, does not mean it would be the wrong thing to do.

 

[PolarSkye]

my old lad had such a HUGE personality, I never used to go down to the yard without someone saying "well guess what your horse did today" and I think what makes it worse is since he has been in the UK he is doing so well and is now so much calmer that I have ridden him and loved it, he is still the lovable complete knobber of old though and has become a firm yard favorite in only a couple of months.

I suppose I am feeling a bit like I am in a rebound relationship at the moment, and maybe to bring out her best she deserves more than that.

Know what? I think you're right . . . my boy is alot like your old 'un and it's one of the reasons I bought him - that quirky/cheeky/characterful side of his personality. However, it may be that a) the mare's ASBO behaviour has coloured your judgment slightly; and b) you and she just need time to get to know each other post baggage and she will come out of her shell?

I think you're in a tough spot FWIW . . . I tried plenty of horses who were beautifully mannered and they all left me cold . . . Kal likes to be in your pocket, is always up to something (escaping into the mare's field (done by removing the slip rails - I'd LOVE to see him do that), chucking his feed bowl over his stable door, following people around the field (he actually frightened a livery's Mum yesterday playing his grandmother's footsteps game although all he really wants is some human company and a bit of a scratch on his forehead), completely removing his t/o rug (all the straps and surcingles still done up), twirling his (brand new, leather) head collar around his head before flinging it across the yard - you get the picture). I LIKE horses like that. That said, you don't know that this mare won't blossom and show her real character once she's been with you a little longer and trusts you more. Thing is, while you're still missing your boy, you're not really giving this mare space in your heart, are you?

P

 

[Damnation]

There are two side to this as I see it.

1) You like to feel that "connection" with a horse and there is no point in buying a horse if you feel like you don't get on with it.

2) Especially with mares, the "bonding" takes alot longer than 6 weeks, especially to get to know them. It took me the guts of a year with my first mare to really "know" her and the current mare we are just getting there and its nearly been a year.

Its up to you to weigh it up. If you think this mare will give you confidence etc then thats a plus. But if you don't feel like there is any connection then thats a point against her. See how the lesson goes. It can take a while before you see a horses true character.
E.g I had my last mare nearly 18 months before I discovered her love of picking a broom up by the bristles and beating it up

 

[Hovis_and_SidsMum]

I know what you mean about horses with huge personalities - the thought of not having that is odd to me. BUT for all the times V made you smile you must also think of all the time you cried / wanted to cry because you couldn't do the things with him that you might be taking for granted with this mare.

If subconciously you're wanting her to be him, then shes not going to be. I don't know what you've decided long term to do about V which may reflect on what you do with this mare. Mares also do seem to take longer to bond with and maybe shes just not shown you all of herself yet. You may find she does have a personality and it will come out but it might never be as big as V's.

All i will say though is theres a lot to be said for something sane, polite and willing. For all the times i look at other liveries and their slightly boring, smaller personality, painfully polite horses and think "I don't want that", when Hovis is being an utter dick a tiny part of me does envy them!!

 

[ISHmad]

You couldn't ride Vardi because of his many issues and now you have a horse who you can ride she isn't ticking your boxes. Other than the field issues, which are huge I know, not downplaying those, she isn't doing anything wrong.

How would you feel if you didn't have her, got another horse who turned out to be more Vardi than this mare? Would you then regret letting her go?

I think you are maybe at the back of your mind wondering whether things actually could have worked out with Vardi, when they didn't despite you trying everything you could to resolve the situation. And feel like you've somehow failed? When that is far from the truth.

This mare sounds like a horse you could have fun with. You need to let go and do just that. But at the very end of the day it is your money and your emotions so you must do whatever you think is right.

 

[Kat]

I agree with much of the advice above but also think you need to be aware that a trial period is a difficult time. There is a lot of pressure to make the most of the trial, you know you have to make a difficult decision one way or the other at the end and you want to make the right decision. You are also rather aware that the horse isn't properly yours.

I found it quite difficult to build a relationship with my mare until we had made a final decision about whether to keep her after the trial. I was wary of either getting attached and then having to send her back and being gutted or getting attached and being unable to send her back because I loved her too much.

Mine didn't put a foot wrong under saddle but was a handful on the ground, but I am 100% positive that I made the right decision in buying her as she is improving continually. The bond comes more slowly, and even six months on we are still getting to know each other and laying down ground rules.

So I say if she does what you want and isn't scaring you and you can cope then go for it.

 

[galaxy]

It's a difficult one.

I've been a similar situation. I lost my old boy who I'd had for 10 years and was a total star in every way, quite unexpectedly 2 years ago. I then had a subsuquent year with a trying mare that I didn't click with and after various issues, incl being put in hospital I found her a new home. I then went out to find a gelding with a sweet temp like my old boy. I didn't find that, but I did find a sweet mare. I bought her because my friend raved about her when we saw her (and didn't at anything else I saw) and I couldn't really fault her. I have had her a year in a few weeks time, and for most of the past year I have felt quite ambivalent towards her. But the last couple of months we have just started to click.

The reasons I felt that way about her was because I kept comparing her to my old boy, even though I tried not to. He was so easy and I knew him inside out. But, I kept telling myself he wasn't when I bought him, and in fact my current mare is a lot better behaved than he was! She's just young. I would not have enjoyed buying a ready made horse, so bought a youngster, but in many ways I realised I was craving the easiness of an older horse.

anyway, nearly a year down the line I can't see myself ever parting with her. She's not my old boy, of course not, but she is lovely and now I'm used to her and trust her I am beginning to enjoy it again.

Give yourself a break. Don't pressurise yourself. Try and be objective. Unless she is a total cow or there is something about her you REALLY don't like and can't tolerate I'd say stick with. After difficult times I have found relationships take time to build.

 

[Dancing Queen]

TBH - mares can be difficult and they are so different to geldings - so that will take time for you to adjust to.
Geldings are much easier to bond with, but mares not so easy, BUT once you have achieved that bond they are with you implicitly. 1 of our mares is definately mine and mine alone - she will not do anything for anyone but me, same as another one of our mares is very much my husbands and follows him everywhere!

They all have their own personalities and quirks - from your posts it sounds as if she does have a lot of personality.

BUT if you dont feel that connection with her then you need to let her go to someone who will feel that connection and they can grow and bond together.

I would also suggest you look for a gelding if you want a relatively quiet life. xx

 

[MarinaBay]

I think people are right it is a mare gelding thing. I have had my mare for 7 years - love her to pieces don't get me wrong she is lovely has a big personality but she is far from affectionate. My boyfriend who has been around horses before says she is the least affectionate horse he has ever met - I used to joke she is only affectionate when she is sedated!
I ride my friends gelding for her when her daughter is at boarding school, he has a huge personality and is very affectionate - not as 'stand offish' if that makes sense! I feel like we are almost having a chat when we go for a hack! If something scares him on a hack he'll stop as though to ask is it alright? My mare would spin round without hesitation! He is lovely & I look forward to riding him & going to see him as he is so welcoming where as my mare only calls at dinner time!
What I am trying to say is - although I am rabbiting on is of course every horse is different but I do feel mares show there personality & affection in there own way!
I hope what ever decision you make is the right one for you xx