Need entertaining, stuck in bed with knee damage!

Tnavas

Tnavas

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I am bored dear HH friends, entertain me with your funny stories and jokes!

I have damaged a ligament in my knee and am on box rest, no TV in my room and couch too low to use - can't get up from it.
 
Sorry to hear that Tnavas. Here's something to make you smile...I wasn't smiling much though! Last weekend I went to get my mare from the field. The bit around the gate is calf deep mud and water, and inevitably it sucked my boot off. My mare was still going so I lost my balance, tried to ram my foot back into the boot, but it had fallen over so all I managed to do was drive it sideways under the water. Mare was still going so I had no time to drain the boot, just grabbed it out of the water and rammed it on. Sloshed my way very uncomfortably up the road, washed the mare's legs off, drained the boot and went to look in the car for some spare socks. None there, so I had to buy some in the tack shop attached to the yard. The only ones in my size are pink with red hearts, purple horseshoes and the phrase "my pony loves me". I am 53.

I go to the car, dry my foot, put the new socks on and my jodhpur boots, pull my gaiters out of my bag. I have 2 odd gaiters. Sigh. Well, I can wear odd gaiters for a day. They are both for my left leg.

So I spent most of the day in short boots, then had to use some of the scaggy riding school long rubber boots to ride in, much to the amusement of my instructor (lucky she couldn't see the socks!).

Could things get any worse? Well actually yes. After changing back into my short boots I had a sudden jabbing pain in my toe. Couldn't get the boot off fast enough. Turned out the socks had been tied together with a sharp metal clip, which I hadn't noticed in my haste to get into some dry footwear. The socks had come apart but the clip had attached itself to one sock and worked it's way gradually into my toe.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
 
Cow pony, nearly fell out of bed laughing, poor you, some days no matter what nothing goes right. Socks sound very cute! Wash them well and give to a pony mad kid. :D

Ouch, nothing worse than finding an intruder in your boot, those little clips are quite evil.

LJR love the joke!

Was a horse related injury many years ago, but not now, old age creeping in. Box rest for a week. Already totally fed up, though if I start to read I fall asleep. I've had to get up twice this morning as two of my hens called in to see me, they are rather sweet but tend to leave a calling card - stinky one - other one is currently obsessed with her chicks, they are really entertaining.

Time for the next round of pills, eight different ones to choose from!

Paint Me Proud that is a cool app, very clever, thanks for the link

Keep those jokes coming :D
 
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Had a little giggle yesterday - text from best mate (his turn to bring in) "Eric has lost his headcollar in the field. Didn't go to look for it because the mud has sucked the sole off my boot". I thought he meant that it had made a little split, but no, sole was completely off!
 
Glad I've cheered you up. There was an international dressage competition today, H&H were showing it live on the home page. You might be able to find a recording. Carl Hester was in action.
 
Hope your knee(s) heals/improves quickly, don't start box walking...
Love that link PaintmeProud! I managed something that looked like a deer skull! Sadly I don't know how to put it on here :(
My story for you is of my poor confused pony...
After a lovely ride I tied him outside the stable and went off to put the tack away (tack room is some distance away, through a large barn). When I came back he was standing on the track, looking quite forlorn...he'd undone the lead rope, wandered a few steps but then stood on the rope with a back foot... I think he was wondering what on earth to do about it! He was quite relieved to see me and be "rescued", bless...
 
suffolkmare said:
Hope your knee(s) heals/improves quickly, don't start box walking...
Love that link PaintmeProud! I managed something that looked like a deer skull! Sadly I don't know how to put it on here :(
My story for you is of my poor confused pony...
After a lovely ride I tied him outside the stable and went off to put the tack away (tack room is some distance away, through a large barn). When I came back he was standing on the track, looking quite forlorn...he'd undone the lead rope, wandered a few steps but then stood on the rope with a back foot... I think he was wondering what on earth to do about it! He was quite relieved to see me and be "rescued", bless...
Click to expand...

Lol! Might start Wind Sucking or weaving.

Had two visitors, one was lovely to go shopping for me. To buy my Lotto ticket. You can imagine the frustration if I hadn't and my numbers came up. The other made me a lovely cup of tea and toasted a hot cross bun. I love hot cross bun season, our local baker makes the best.

Had a phone call from an old college friend from way back to tell me one of our group of college friends has just died. Life dealt him a hard time, but he is now at peace. It's a sad fact that when you get to your 60's your friends start falling off their perches.
 
I took our little mini shetland out for a walk one day, and he was happily munching grass at the end of a track. Then he decided the grass was better behind me, he took the shortest route and I ended up facing backwards on a trotting mini and very slowly falling face first over his tail.
Another time he barged through the gate and between my legs and cantered off with me again facing backwards. I though just put your feet on the floor, mini disapeared, feet were nice and still, but the rest of my body was not. This time flat on my back on the floor.
 
Tnavas, I think your OH should hang a likkit above your bed, and put up a mirror to stop you getting bored. Oh, and hide carrots around your bed. :D
 
Cow pony you make me laugh, I'd prefer apricots and chocolate! But being elderly I might develop Cushings and insulin resistance, so it's weetabix and All Bran for me!

Seriously bored now, but I have managed to stand up with minimal pain. When the ligament went all the muscles in my leg went into spasms, I've never known such pain. Ambulance crew gave me the good old laughing gas, no inhibitions when you're on that stuff, boy it was good!

Had lots of visitors today, all bringing me treats, will eventually roll out of bed! One thing that's good today, our drought has ended, it's rained solidly for 24 hours. Grass will now start to grow again.

Thanks everyone for your lovely stories, I'm off to bed, 10:45pm here in NZ, 9:45am for you all. Hope spring is putting in an appearance for you.
 
Well, we have had lots of rain here in North Wales... Last Sunday I was poo picking in sashas all weather turnout which had turned into a quagmire around the hay area...so there is me...barrow, skip and fork trying my best to extradite poo from mud...yard rules say it gotta be done u see...! Sasha got her head up my bum as it's windy and any shelter from wind is fair game for sasha..! I have my short wellies on as my fat legs don't fit long ones, well this mud is proving a challenge to the suck from the mud, and then sasha nudges bit hard, I sort of land half in barrow, rake in one hand trying to balance, welly stuck in the mud.. And my foot trying to get back into welly...
Then I overbalance and had to put my socked foot down in the mud, foot sank about 8 inches in the mud, as I pulled it out my sock got swollowed by the mud, so foot is now sock less!!
I am hopping on one foot, over balance, loose other welly and have to put other foot down in mud... Loose other sock!! I gave up then and threw wellies into barrow and squelches out of mud dragging my barrow and tools...
The wellies did recover after a dunk in water , but no one has seen my socks since!! They have been swollowed by the mud..
So that was my Sunday morning last week!!!
Hope you are not lame for long...
I am also 3/10 lame! As I trod on something sharp on my heel while trying to escape the mud and my heel is sore..!
 
Hi HashRouge, poor you, hope you're not too sore. Trouble with box rest, you do so much sleeping you run out of tired in the early hours of the morning. 6:37am here and still pouring with rain. Farmers are extatic if plenty of grass grows now before the weather cools we'll have plenty for winter.

You just have to love mud, it provides such entertainment, when you think how hard it sometimes is to get willies off. Then the mud can remove in seconds and leave you dancing like an idiot.

Thank you folks for your stories, loved them, especially that cheeky mini!
 
Hope I don't get into trouble for this one, was on face book recently


In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under your pillow"

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

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I took my mare out for a hack today. She had an operation about 18 months ago and since then she's only done the occasional road hack because the woods are so boggy. So here is an account of our ride, in the style of Hovis.

Mum came to drag me out of the field today. It was a beautiful day and some kind person had brought us a load of hay so I wasn't that keen to leave all my friends and be taken up to the yard for what I knew would be hard work. I ask you, how is it fair that I have to work when all the other mares are still lazing around in the field enjoying the sunshine?

Unfortunately Mum didn't lose a boot this time. I'm sure she thinks it was an accident that she overbalanced last time and had to put her foot in the water, but actually I saw what happened and deliberately kept walking so she'd have to put a hoof down, hee hee! That didn't have the effect I wanted either, as I still got made to work. Humph! What does a girl have to do to be left alone around here?

So we got to the yard and after a lot of faffing around and moving me from one place to another for no apparent reason, Mum finally tacked me up and before I knew it she was on my back and we were going for a hack. I didn't even have time to do my normal smart step backwards followed by a rush forwards and then plant so she can't get me back to the mounting block! Flipping unreasonable I call it. But I did get to go out with the big bay gelding, who I think fancies me, and the black cob mare. Mum really showed me up by telling them what a scaredy cat I am, while the other two aunties reassured her how calm BBG and BCM were at all times.

I did my best giraffe impression all along the road, especially when we were trotting up the hill, but Mum didn't seem impressed and kept insisting that I put my head down in that extremely unnatural position that humans seem to think we should adopt. Every self-respecting horse knows that you have to be on high alert at all times for sabre-toothed tigers which are lurking behind every leaf. Why humans fail to perceive the danger is just beyond me. It's a good thing we horses are far more evolved than any other species and are able to save them from being eaten.

I lulled Mum into a false sense of security by passing one of those scary pram thingies without paying too much attention. Well have you ever looked at them? With the hood up they look just like a mouth. A mouth, I would add, that is just the right size to swallow a pony. And you know they have just eaten because of all the gurgling sounds coming from them. How scary is that?!

Then we got to the exciting part - a trot and canter through the woods. Mum had to bury my head into BCM's backside to get me to stop but I didn't go too mad - hey I could have had a lovely buck up that lane but I restrained myself! We went into a massive field and BCM and I were trotting sideways waiting to be told we could canter, but BBG just kept plodding along. I'm beginning to think he's a bit boring between you and me. I mean, what horse doesn't get excited when faced with several miles of open space and only a puny human's muscles to stop them? Eventually I realised that we were only going to be allowed to walk, so I decided that Mum could carry the weight of my head for me and put all my weight on the bit. Well really, if I can't have a bit of fun she deserves it doesn't she? She's the one who wanted to come on this stupid hack after all!

Auntie Jackie decided that we should go down a different path and steered BBG that way, but he had a massive spook and cantered straight on. Clearly I had to join in, even though I hadn't seen anything scary, because, well, it's just bad form not to! You have to make your own fun, you know? Unfortunately both Auntie Jackie and Mum managed to stay in the saddle and bring us back to a walk while Auntie Rosie on BCM nearly wet herself laughing at the way we'd leapt sideways and taken off.

Eventually we ended up back at the yard and I found I'd been out for an hour and a half! It really is most unreasonable and I'm thinking of complaining to those World of Hay and Water people about my mistreatment. I mean, an hour and a half! And she'll expect me to do another hour of poncing in the school tomorrow. I just hope she's so sore and tired from today that I she won't have the energy to make me do too much.
 
Funny story of mine for you...
The drain to our septic tank had become blocked, cue at least an hour spent trying to find man hole cover. (Landlord no help!) eventually find said cover which is in fact just a great big slab of concrete in the horses field. Borrow drain rods off grandad so I can attempt to unblock drain. (OH conviently has to go out so just me to sort it) armed wearing marigolds wellies and looking like a complete down and out I eventually, after using about 20 sodding rods unblock the drain. I'm having to go between tank, man hole and house to run hose to see if it's all flowing as it should. so there I am down by the tank when naughty pony has got brave enough to come and investigate the bag of rods, I shout at him as too far away, he takes no notice. Next he starts pawing at the bag, rods starting to be moved slightly, shout again no response so start moving back up to where he is now putting all his effort into pawing bag. Shout again but this time was close enough to shoo him off. All would of been well but he'd gotten his foot slightly caught so took off with bag and rods and proceeded to scatter them round the field! I was not a happy person!
 
Tnavas said:
Hope I don't get into trouble for this one, was on face book recently


In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under your pillow"

"MEN NEVER LISTEN"

Like · · Share
Click to expand...

That's brilliant Tnavas! Must remember to tell my husband that one.
 
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