negativity - please help

[Negative]

I am having problems and i was hoping that some of you may be able to help me.

At my yard when people comment on how we are doing every single comment they make are negative; so much so it is getting to breaking point on my nerves. over the past year my confidence has taken a huge knock and I have been slowly trying to rebuild it but the negativity at the yard is really preventing me from progressing.
my horse and i have been having problems but we have been having regular lessons with my fab trainer who has been helping us and I feel we have improved massively so much that I am now not so nervous before we compete.
I know we are not perfect but the people at the yard appear to expect perfection.
we have good days and bad days, but the good days are becomming more frequent and the bad days less often.

when talking with people at yard and they ask how we are doing I have recently been replying that we are jumping so much better and have really improved. however when I say this i get the impression that they either don't believe me or think I have my rose specs on.
for example, a few weeks ago i replied to a question saying "we jumped well, we only had 1 down, compared to 3 or 4 we were used to getting at same level. They would reply "well you shouldn't be having any"

things like that are very hard to take, and it is getting harder and harder to brush their comments away and my confidence is fragile enough. I suppose I am having a hard time trying to ignore their comments.

What makes it 100x worse is that talking to a person recently who commented something I had only told another person - which shows that they are talking behind my back about my shoddy riding etc. and as you can imagine does wonders about my confidence

These people are knowlegable and older than me and I am not a confrontational person not in a postion to move yards however it is coming to a point where enough is enough and each comment is chipping away my self belief/confidence. It is also a small yard so everyone seems to know everyones business.

has anyone any comments or advice on how to deal with this? or do i just need to be told to stop being silly and man up?

I always feel v confident after a lesson with my trainer and motivated/envigorated by the improvement we make in each lesson but on return to yard can feel all that feeling evapourating due to their negativity. sorry for such a long post but I needed to get it off my chest and it weighs me down so much

 

[JFTDWS]

tell them it's none of their business, to beggar off and find someone else to bother, or just put headphones in and don't stop to chat.

People on yards can be appallingly rude.

 

[crabbymare]

if they ask how you are doing just say "ok thanks for asking" as that way they have no details and its none of their business anyway. if you don't tell them anything they cannot be negative and if they are so insecure that they need to knock every improvement you make they are not worth taking notice of

 

[Lolo]

tell them it's none of their business, to beggar off and find someone else to bother, or just put headphones in and don't stop to chat.

People on yards can be appallingly rude.

Beautifully put.

It's none of their business. Be pleased with what you want to be pleased with! Post on here too- Reg and Al get a big boost from the crazy lot on here congratulating them for 20 faults SJ Makes the tits who try and put them down in real life much easier to ignore.

 

[TableDancer]

OP are you quite young? If so, it can be particularly difficult. Is there somebody in authority on the yard you could confide in? And enlist their help, perhaps.

Otherwise, I think the headphones idea is a good one. You really have to stop worrying about what they think and stick to your own plan. Maybe discuss it with your trainer as you like and respect her/him so much? Remember, as Baydale always says, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

Chin up

 

[Pongwiffy]

I agree, just say say 'fine thanks' and then change the subject as the less people know the less there is to comment on or be negative about!

Some people genuinely seem to get a kick out of being negative about others.

 

[Negative]

tell them it's none of their business, to beggar off and find someone else to bother, or just put headphones in and don't stop to chat.

People on yards can be appallingly rude.

I have found i definitely prefer riding when they are not there. Problem with a small yard is that not stopping to chat can be seen as rude. I am in everyday life a positive person and try to always be positive with people on the yard complimenting them or encouraging them but i wish this was returned to me

if they ask how you are doing just say "ok thanks for asking" as that way they have no details and its none of their business anyway. if you don't tell them anything they cannot be negative and if they are so insecure that they need to knock every improvement you make they are not worth taking notice of

That is a good reply, i might start saying that as is an end to the question! Thank you

Beautifully put.

It's none of their business. Be pleased with what you want to be pleased with! Post on here too- Reg and Al get a big boost from the crazy lot on here congratulating them for 20 faults SJ Makes the tits who try and put them down in real life much easier to ignore.

I try to keep thinking positive and put a positive face on but it is getting harder and harder. Slight fear that posting on here can also bring very negative and criticial opinions, i get enough of that at the yard!

OP are you quite young? If so, it can be particularly difficult. Is there somebody in authority on the yard you could confide in? And enlist their help, perhaps.

Otherwise, I think the headphones idea is a good one. You really have to stop worrying about what they think and stick to your own plan. Maybe discuss it with your trainer as you like and respect her/him so much? Remember, as Baydale always says, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

Chin up

Not overly, but the youngest at the yard by about 15 years. I have grown up on the yard which i know dosent help. I must remember to bring headphones up, but sometimes they can just come out with comments that leave me a bit to be honest and just agree with them for an easy life! and what can be quite irritating is people at yard see only flaws in people.

I agree, just say say 'fine thanks' and then change the subject as the less people know the less there is to comment on or be negative about!

Some people genuinely seem to get a kick out of being negative about others.

Seems to be the way to go is short and sweet and deflect to asking them about their horse?

 

[Tobiano]

Normally when people ask you how you are getting on it is because they want to tell you how THEY are getting on so just respond with something like 'OO! I meant to ask you how did you get on with Dobbin at the show / lesson / etc last week' and they will be so busy telling you how brilliant they are that they will forget to comment on you.

Another tactic I have when asked how things are going is to smile brightly and say 'there is only winning and learning!' and walk off.

You need to remember, that what people say to you is about THEM, it is not about you. Good luck and concentrate on what your horse is telling you, not these annoying people .

 

[dominobrown]

Ok, though only reason they are talking to you like that is your age. Some older people just because they are older they have 'earned' the right to talk to people with dis-respect as I found out at the petrol station the other day!
I had a similar situation, with my previous horse which was very quirky, and I got constant "you should be doing this/ you shouldn't be doing this" etc, until one day when I was riding and getting constant comments I said "Why don't you get on it then!!"
Said person got off after minute as they were ***** scared, and they soon shut up!

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and demand respect, but try and stay polite and take the higher ground!

 

[kerilli]

Could you ask your trainer or the yard owner to have a word? The horse world seems to be especially bad about this sort of thing, probably because of the x factor of the horse, i.e. "if I was riding it we'd be at Badminton" kind of thing, whereas if it was just down to the individual's talent (or lack of!) as it is with just about every other sport, there would be no such delusion...
tbh you will always get this, you have to just shrug it off. It is YOUR horse and none of their business, you're working at it, and NOBODY wins all the time (even the best of the best)!
Good luck, I hope you show them!

 

[Marydoll]

Agree with the person who said if they ask, just say fine thanks.
If they persist, just ask them how theyre doing, listen then smile and head off saying your busy

 

[ArcticFox]

So if you have to stay there. Telling them to sod off its none of their business might cause ructions (although they deserve to be told this)

Agree with others to give minimal details and just say 'fine thanks. All going ok' and leave it at that.

However. If you do get into a conversation where they say you should be going clear rather than having one fence instead 3 then just say ' oh thanks for the support. Really appreciate it when everyone is so positive' then walk away.

They'll shut when they see they are upsetting you and will maybe not be so nasty

And people are only negative like that when they are jealous of what you are achieving. You might think they are better than you but they are probably worried you'll show them that they are not improving themselves!

 

[Leg_end]

I can't stand negative people. Sometimes I don't think they realise the effect their actions have on other people. It just makes them seem bitter, jealous and I actually feel very sorry for them. Just think how unfulfilled they must be in their own lives to have to focus on what you are doing...

Chin up, I know its not easy

 

[RhaLoulou]

Rude and negative people are best ignored. Listen to your trainer and your horse. Nasty comments are often borne of jealously and the fact that you are younger is no excuse for rudeness. Don't enter into discussion with them. Good luck!

 

[Negative]

Normally when people ask you how you are getting on it is because they want to tell you how THEY are getting on so just respond with something like 'OO! I meant to ask you how did you get on with Dobbin at the show / lesson / etc last week' and they will be so busy telling you how brilliant they are that they will forget to comment on you.

Another tactic I have when asked how things are going is to smile brightly and say 'there is only winning and learning!' and walk off.

You need to remember, that what people say to you is about THEM, it is not about you. Good luck and concentrate on what your horse is telling you, not these annoying people .

True but those in question rarely compete but have done in past quite successfully but not with current horses. I like only winning and learning!

Ok, though only reason they are talking to you like that is your age. Some older people just because they are older they have 'earned' the right to talk to people with dis-respect as I found out at the petrol station the other day!
I had a similar situation, with my previous horse which was very quirky, and I got constant "you should be doing this/ you shouldn't be doing this" etc, until one day when I was riding and getting constant comments I said "Why don't you get on it then!!"
Said person got off after minute as they were ***** scared, and they soon shut up!

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and demand respect, but try and stay polite and take the higher ground!

I would be too nervous to ask them to ride my horse as am sure they would ride him far better! Its a fine line between standing up and demanding respect and being polite because rest assured if i give my view or i dare to disagree i get accused of arguing!!

Could you ask your trainer or the yard owner to have a word? The horse world seems to be especially bad about this sort of thing, probably because of the x factor of the horse, i.e. "if I was riding it we'd be at Badminton" kind of thing, whereas if it was just down to the individual's talent (or lack of!) as it is with just about every other sport, there would be no such delusion...
tbh you will always get this, you have to just shrug it off. It is YOUR horse and none of their business, you're working at it, and NOBODY wins all the time (even the best of the best)!
Good luck, I hope you show them!

True i hope we will very soon be showing all, it feels as though i have found the missing pieces of our puzzle and am just working out how to fit them in!

I am far more relaxed about being allowed to make mistakes i just wish i wouldnt make so many of them!

 

[Negative]

Agree with the person who said if they ask, just say fine thanks.
If they persist, just ask them how theyre doing, listen then smile and head off saying your busy

Im going to have very clean tack

So if you have to stay there. Telling them to sod off its none of their business might cause ructions (although they deserve to be told this)

Agree with others to give minimal details and just say 'fine thanks. All going ok' and leave it at that.

However. If you do get into a conversation where they say you should be going clear rather than having one fence instead 3 then just say ' oh thanks for the support. Really appreciate it when everyone is so positive' then walk away.

They'll shut when they see they are upsetting you and will maybe not be so nasty

And people are only negative like that when they are jealous of what you are achieving. You might think they are better than you but they are probably worried you'll show them that they are not improving themselves!

True, they may not realise i am being upset from their comments!

I can't stand negative people. Sometimes I don't think they realise the effect their actions have on other people. It just makes them seem bitter, jealous and I actually feel very sorry for them. Just think how unfulfilled they must be in their own lives to have to focus on what you are doing...

Chin up, I know its not easy

Will try

Rude and negative people are best ignored. Listen to your trainer and your horse. Nasty comments are often borne of jealously and the fact that you are younger is no excuse for rudeness. Don't enter into discussion with them. Good luck!

Cant ignore them, will try deflecting and being busy

 

[DabDab]

Oh I really feel for you, livery yards can be really difficult places to be at times. You will often find people in horses who have little else on their side other than age - i.e. "I've been riding horses for 40 years and..." or "I was riding horses before you were born..."
When I was younger I always swore that I never wanted to be one of those people who could only say for their life with horses that 'I had done it for x years' - nothing more miraculous than 'I've been knocking around for a while'
Without being confrontational you can play it one of two ways. Either be non-committal with answers to questions and ignore it as much as possible, or act terribly meek and mild and ask for their advice on everything (and then probably ignore most of it) - if they want dominance over you let them think they have it.

 

[Firewell]

I find if people have the energy to go out of their way to give negative comments it's usually them putting you down to make themselves feel better.
It's probably nothing to do with you other than a bit of their jealousy that you are improving highlighting their own insecurities to themselves.
I would share your competing news only with those who truely have your best interests at heart and don't engage with the others. If they ask say 'great thanks' or 'he was a really good boy' something to brush them off politely and carry on. They will get bored of that answer, won't feel threatened by it and you can get on with your own thing .

 

[Kenzo]

If people can't be happy when you do well and support when they dont then their not any kind of real friend, in which case you really should care what they think, don't waste another second worrying about them, people like that pray on folk to make themselves feel better, carry on regardless, everyone has their good and bad days, 1 step forward and 2 steps back... besides it would all get pretty boring if everyone was so dam perfect, what would be the point of competing if that was the case.

If they have nothing better to talk about than what you are doing all the time with your horse then they must have too much time on their hands.

Seriously, ignore, crack on and enjoy your horse

 

[Turks]

Sounds like you're doing a lovely job improving with your horse so give yourself a big fat pat on the back (when no one at the yard is looking) and carry on enjoying him. Well done.

 

[LynH]

I had a friend a few years back who used to always say really negative things to me and I felt like I couldn't do anything right. In the end I just asked her one day 'did you mean for that to sound as rude and negative as it did?' I kept it jokey and smiled at the same time so she rapidly backtracked and tried to explain herself. Sometimes it really does help to ask people if they meant that the way it sounded or ask them to repeat what they said cos you are not sure you understood them right. Making people think about what they've said can often put an end to those type of comments without causing ructions.

 

[TheoryX1]

I do love my horsey life, but I dont love this aspect of horsey life at all. From a personal perspective I dont give a flying ****, I just get on with what I want to do and although I dont bother having lessons any more as both myself and horsey are a bit too long in the tooth, I do try to ride correctly, for his as well as my own sake. Nobody bothers criticizing me as they know they will get two fingers up, literally.

My daughter has gone through it though, at both yards we have been on. I think a lot of what she has borne has come out of jealously though. The worst thing she was ever told was that her lovely little pocket rocket of a mare would never progress beyond BE100, and she confounded them by getting Novice points. Its now been said that she wont go Intermediate, and to be fair she hasnt just yet, but at least my daughter';s head is in the right place over it, and her trainer has said that both of them have the talent, its now doing it. I am sure she will as well.

Dont listen, like that great little song by Naughty Boy says, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la la etc. I personally think a lot of it comes out of the jealousy side of things, plus in the horsey world we always feel we have to dumb ourselves down - why? You dont behave like this in any avenue of life. If I sat at my desk and told myself I was not good at my job, I would end up believing the whole dam thing and being not good at my job! Having done a lot of work on myself with my business coach over motivation and the way we think I just find it unbelievable. There is a saying I will leave you with, it actually comes from Bhudda and it is 'What you think, you will become'. So, the next time you get negativity, tell them to jog on - you are great!

 

[Supanova]

I know its easier said than done but the thing you have to remember is that the negative comments say far more about them, than it does about you. These people are probably really insecure about their own riding and results and therefore take comfort from putting other people down. As others have said, the best solution it to try to not get drawn into a discussion about it and divert the conversation by asking about how they are doing. If people specifically come over and make negative comments regardless of whether or not you actually entered into a conversation well then I would just say something like "well me and my trainer are actually really pleased with the progress we're making and that's the main thing..Rome wasn't built in a day after all!". Hopefully this will put them on the back foot and they won't bother you again!

 

[NaeNae87]

Negative, keep your chin up.

As long as you can see an improvement and you and your trainer are happy, then it really doesn't matter what other people think.

I know it's hard to brush off others comments, especially if there are a few nasty ones but the less you give them to comment on, the better.

Also, maybe they're feeling insecure and the only way they know to make themselves feel better it to put you down. My old boss used to say that he knew when he was doing alright when people would talk about him.
He lets his results speak for themselves and only tells people who ask the bare minimum. eg Even though one horse might have been a little feral, one horse might refuse or he could be riding awefully... to anyone who asks the reply is normally, "We have some things to work on, but overall I am happy with (insert something - horses behaviour, improvement from last outing, etc), thanks for asking. How have you been?"

Something like that answers the questions but doesn't give them anything else to comment on. Good luck! Hopefully it gets better xx

 

[el_Snowflakes]

I would start by only answering 'fine Thankyou' in a polite manner when asked how you are getting on. People in yards are extremely nosy & although I like to have a chat & discuss things with others. I also choose to keep some things/information to myself. The reason being that people can be very jealous of others success. Keep your head held high & be proud of how well you are doing with your horse