Nervous mother!

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ECORTEN

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Advice needed! My daughter has ridden for years now. She’s competed at national competitions, jumped - loads of stuff, but I get very very anxious when I watch her ride sometimes which she picks up on.
She has a saint (touch wood) of a pony, so there’s no actual reason. I worry that my stressing holds her back but as she’s only 13 I need to be around when she rides. I don’t ride and don’t want to either.
Any suggestions on getting a grip or tactics anyone else has used? I’m beginning to annoy myself now!
 
I don't think there is an answer to this. At least not without coming across as rather brutal on a forum. I'm a mum too. My daughter is 18. At 16 she switched from the relatively safe pastime of BS Juniors to the significantly less safe eventing. And she has hunted since she was 10. I don't think there is a day I don't worry; and there are a lot of times I could be beside myself with fear for her.

But this is called being a parent. I don't think it stops anytime soon! If your anxiety is uncontrollable then there are therapies which can help. If you are over protective to the extent you are doing her harm then again - speak to your GP. There are things which can help manage your fear. Hoping - for your sake - that actually this isn't as serious as that. You can control your fears and not be dominated by them. It is harder if you don't know much about horses I think. As a parent risk assessment becomes second nature. But if you don't know - or are yourself a little afraid of - the activity then it is hard to be proportionate about the real risk.

Perhaps talk to her coach? Or another PC Mum you trust? I've done my share of "nannying" a nervous and non horsey mum whilst desperately concealing how scared I am myself. Bluff - if you work to convince others you are not scared you will turn around and discover actually you aren't! Rescue remedy helps. So does a gin! (Don't drive...)
 
Thanks everyone. I know why I’m like it - she was born 12 weeks Prem, which clearly frightened the life out of me. It’s ridiculous because she came away unscathed and is strong, clever and amazing.
I’m going to give the Rescue Remedy a bash. If that fails... gin it is 😂
 
My mum and dad liked the "close your eyes" tactic when I was competing, and the "dump your child at the yard, pick them up when they ring to tell you they're done, and if they're not done in 2 hours call to check they're still alive" tactic when I wasn't :D

On a more serious note, I don't think it ever really goes away, though it seems like other people on here have some good suggestions that may help. I'm 21 now, so old enough to drive myself to the yard, and recently passed my trailer test so take myself, so they aren't around as often now. I know they still worry though, and my mum still likes me to text her to let her know I got there ok and again when I'm on my way home.
 
Horse riding could kill your kid, and, unlike, say, road crossing, isn't one of those dangerous activities life would be difficult without (some on here will disagree). I once read a study that put it down as being more dangerous than motorcycling per hour of participation (and both horse and motorbike riding were way more dangerous than most of the more 'extreme' sports in the study). So, you're not being irrational - you're being a normal animal that wants to see its young survive to adulthood. Parents of many descriptions will empathise.

At 13 you have plenty of choices. You can
- stop her riding altogether
- insist she wear as much safety gear as you feel necessary (helmet/bp/air vest/safety stirrups/hi-viz/etc)
- limit the equines she rides (no backing/no youngsters/only schoolmasters/whatever)
- limit her equestrian activities (no riding on the roads in the dark/no eventing/no jumping/... whatever you don't feel comfortable about given the equines, venues and instructors etc involved)
- have another kid (heir & spare principle, plus, you'll be too tired to notice what daughter is up to)
- drink more gin (as for hip flask recipes in the hunting section!)
- take up a hobby you can do at the stables yourself so you're distracted

Obviously some of the above are more serious suggestions than others. But really, yes, your fears are justified (someone on here lost an eye just leading their horse recently) and, given what you've already supported your daughter in achieving, you're clearly not limiting her anywhere near as much as many parents.
 
Wow I wish you were my mother - she honestly isn't fussed what/where I ride - youngsters? Nutters? Ex racers? Tackless? Bareback? Why not?
Unless of course it might hurt the horse, in which case it's a whole different kettle of fish. It's brilliant though. (And my riding instructors used to encourage her! :O )
Also it sounds silly but as you're on HHO I'm presuming you ride yourself so it's worth remembering that every good thing you get from riding your daughter also gets; it's a matter of weighing up the benefits and risks and seeing that the former hugely outweigh the latter! (Which is probably quite hard, as a mother, to do, I can imagine).
 
Chinchilla said:
Wow I wish you were my mother - she honestly isn't fussed what/where I ride - youngsters? Nutters? Ex racers? Tackless? Bareback? Why not?
Unless of course it might hurt the horse, in which case it's a whole different kettle of fish. It's brilliant though. (And my riding instructors used to encourage her! :O )
Also it sounds silly but as you're on HHO I'm presuming you ride yourself so it's worth remembering that every good thing you get from riding your daughter also gets; it's a matter of weighing up the benefits and risks and seeing that the former hugely outweigh the latter! (Which is probably quite hard, as a mother, to do, I can imagine).
Click to expand...

She says in the OP that she doesn't ride.
 
GirlFriday said:
Horse riding could kill your kid, and, unlike, say, road crossing, isn't one of those dangerous activities life would be difficult without (some on here will disagree). I once read a study that put it down as being more dangerous than motorcycling per hour of participation (and both horse and motorbike riding were way more dangerous than most of the more 'extreme' sports in the study). So, you're not being irrational - you're being a normal animal that wants to see its young survive to adulthood. Parents of many descriptions will empathise.

At 13 you have plenty of choices. You can
- stop her riding altogether
- insist she wear as much safety gear as you feel necessary (helmet/bp/air vest/safety stirrups/hi-viz/etc)
- limit the equines she rides (no backing/no youngsters/only schoolmasters/whatever)
- limit her equestrian activities (no riding on the roads in the dark/no eventing/no jumping/... whatever you don't feel comfortable about given the equines, venues and instructors etc involved)
- have another kid (heir & spare principle, plus, you'll be too tired to notice what daughter is up to)
- drink more gin (as for hip flask recipes in the hunting section!)
- take up a hobby you can do at the stables yourself so you're distracted

Obviously some of the above are more serious suggestions than others. But really, yes, your fears are justified (someone on here lost an eye just leading their horse recently) and, given what you've already supported your daughter in achieving, you're clearly not limiting her anywhere near as much as many parents.
Click to expand...

Wow. What a great way to reassure someone!
Yes we know horses are dangerous but then so are many other activities.
Unless you are going to stop your daughter doing something she loves then you are going to have to get used to it.
 
My mum was the same when I was a junior showjumper, so she simply didn't come to watch. Dad used to take me and could happily stand and watch me fly around without any concern. He would sometimes film me, then if mum wanted, she could watch it later (once I was safely back home!)

On the rare occasion that she came, I found it rather amusing to have her pale face peering from the side of the ring, her hands shooting up to her mouth everytime the pony stood off a fence. Dad used to just laugh at her!

Of course, it worked for us as Dad was the one who towed me to shows, so mum wasn't really needed.

I can only suggest that you take some rescue remedy or something, or ask a by stander to let you know if anything dreadful happens, then take yourself back to the wagon and wait for daughters return!

I'm now 33 and no longer jump competitively, so my mums nerves have calmed somewhat! She finds dressage much less stressful to watch!

Amusingly, When I was 18 and backing my rather quirky youngster, mum used to come and sit in the car with her sunglasses on (it was winter). Apparently things aren't as real if you look at it through sunglasses!
 
scats said:
Amusingly, When I was 18 and backing my rather quirky youngster, mum used to come and sit in the car with her sunglasses on (it was winter). Apparently things aren't as real if you look at it through sunglasses!
Click to expand...

I'll have to try that tip! When daughter backed our youngster I ended up surrendering the helper role to my husband and then would peep out the attic window to check that things were going to plan! I then progressed to keeping an eye on her whilst mucking out or tidying the tack room, whilst taking the odd sideways glance to make sure everything was OK! And at events I'm the one behind the tradestand tent peeking out to watch her showjumping - it is ridiculous, it really is!
 
Can't help from my perspective because my Mum would - and still does - watch everything with an eagle eye. I came out from showjumping last week to find she'd had a last minute change of work patterns, and written two pages of notes on my warm up routine with a new ride as she couldn't get to the ring side to coach. Perks of an instructor mum!

However, my friend's mum is vey nervous and always has been. Some things that have helped her - full set of safety gear, so body protector, hat, good gloves etc. when she was a kid, only going to shows with an ambulance on site. Make sure you stick to well run events wih safe fences if you're into eventing, courses that also run affiliated events may be safest as there won't be unsecured or poorly maintained fences. Check and double check tack for safety so you've minimised all potential risks, then you've just to survive it.

Friend's mum recommends -Breathing exercises and rescue remedy. Stay away from eventing and hunting meets; try and swap groom duties with other horse mums who might find dressage as exciting as watching paint dry but be happy to go hunter trialling.

If all else fails, the beer tent!

Please don't restrict your daughter in terms of events or horses she rides; if she wants to work in the equine industry, experience of difficult horses will get her a lot further than riding push button mounts. Only exception would be rearers or true bolters; no-one needs to ride one of them!
 
My son played polocrosse from age 7 to age 18 when he went to uni and we sold the polocrosse horse...to me, here was nothing so terrifying than seeing him galloping down the pitch either with the ball or chasing someone with the ball to ride them off!!
When his old pony retired , I gave in and bought him a "go faster " one...I must have been mad..
he never actually fell off his horse, till the morning we were showing her to new buyer!!! She was fresh!! And bucked him off..as he was showing off and not paying attention..
Yes it's a dangerous sport, all horse stuff can be scarey, but then I read in a paper, some poor boy dies on a school trip going skiing... or drowns in a pool...or in a car crash
We can't wrap them in bubble wrap... but we need to be able to cope.. so the best safety equipment you can afford, well mannered horse, and a set of rules that need to be shown respect or else.
Failing that... BOOZE
Y
 
You worry yourself sick no matter what your child choses to do unfortunately you just have to get used to it. I hate that my kids drive thousands of miles a week for work they are both good drivers but you cannot account for the other nutters on the road. I have a rugby, football, cricket playing son who is always getting hurt. I have another son who was a bar man at a rough pub where fights were a regular occurance and he was always in the thick of it. Daughter drives too and has more accidents than the boys not sure why but she seems a bit accident prone. they are now in their late thirties forties with kids of their own but I still hate not having an element of control over what they do. I just have to grin and bear it but I would hate to get that phone call. As to the horses I honestly dont think in most cases they are that dangerous as long as you learn to read them properly. I have been into horses for well over 50 years the only injuries I have received have been my own silly fault usually due to complacency
 
As others have said it's called being a parent. My mum only became involved with horses because of Dad and me. I ended up show jumping to a reasonable standard when I was young and my mum stopped coming to watch. It turned out she was so nervous it was affecting her blood pressure and she'd had to go to the doctor about it as she was feeling so ill at shows.

When my son was competing BS I was fine but when he switched to eventing and move up the levels I used to get nervous especially xc when he was out of sight and there was no commentary about him. I clearly remember being at the finish of the 2* at Blair when he appeared back down the hill and turning to a friend /coach and saying "I don't care what happens now I just want them home safe", he replied "I want a bloody clear round now we got this far, he's coming back for the 3* next year!"

OP, I definitely think you're at a disadvantage not being horsey, at least understanding the technicalities helps, would you consider getting involved at bit more and your daughter's hobby could become something you share?
 
My mum has never been horsey but quickly realised that I was going to be horse mad whether she liked it or not! She has always supported me, driven me around, walked with me on hacks, you name it! She is very glad that I don't like jumping and stick to dressage, but wouldn't stop me if I changed my mind... Supporting your daughter from the sidelines, making sure she has the right pony/safety equipment is so important, and also getting involved! I have so many good memories of spending time with my mum when I was younger with my horses, so don't let your nerves hold you back from spending that quality time together! I ended up teaching my mum a lot about horses as we went along so now I happily trust her with my two boys.
 
I started riding to keep my very keen daughter company on hacks. I was always sick with anxiety when she went XC and my leg used to twitch with every show jump. My way of coping was to ensure she had good trainers and suitable mounts but it was my poor daughter who watched as I was carted off in an ambulance after a XC fall. Riding has it's dangers but so does life, I think my daughter learned lots of things through riding which have stood her in good stead, resilience, independence, judgement, a work ethic and humility because all riders have their good days and their complete disasters etc. she also said she'd never be tempted to take drugs as she got all the highs she needed from galloping round a decent track. If I was feeling particularly worried I'd just keep busy and out of the way!
 
My dad is dead laid back. My 5 year old is rather sharp, we call him the drama llama. He's bucked me off a few times. Others on the yard ask dad how he can watch, but dad is do caught up in the progress we are making and the overall aims, that he just sees it as bumps in the road.

Honestly, find someone like him to watch with, you'll calm down, he can logically talk through everything that is going on.
 
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