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Sven

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I've had my "new" horse four years nearly and I am not getting anywhere with my nerves. I had my old horse for 22 years and he was retired with me at home for nearly 8 of those, we were in livery before that. I had hoped that once I was back riding again all would come back but it hasn't. I was never a particularly brave rider but I was competent but it's just all gone. I haven't ridden now in nearly three weeks because of the weather and the longer it goes on the harder it is. I have him at home with a companion pony, so I have no one to motivate me. I have some friends I can hack with from time to time, but I have to get to a meeting point which although isn't far about 5 mins it might as well be Outer Mongolia some days. I do pay someone to hack and lunge him in the week so he isn't completely without excercise but I feel like I am letting him down he's such a nice chap and does nothing wrong it's just me. I have tried EFT but that hasn't worked mainly because I don't really know what has caused this total lack of confidence not only with my horse but in my life. I feel a fraud at work sometimes (I am a CFO) and am in a bit of downward spiral. So there I've spat I think out now perhaps I will feel a bit better about it.
 
I know just how you feel. I lost the horse of a lifetime a year ago, and impulse bought a sweet youngster to fill the massive void in my life. I feel sick with fear at the thought of starting riding her, even though I’ve ridden all my life and broken in countless youngsters. I don’t know where it’s come from.
Let’s face it, it’s not the weather to think of riding for now, so can’t you just go out, give him some fuss and a carrot or two, and leave it at that till the time feels right?
 
So your oldie was only with you when retired?

Two thoughts, have you tried having your 'new' guy on livery for a bit?
and he might be absolutely lovely but maybe he's not right for your right now.
 
It helped me to go out on foot while someone else hacked my horse. It made me realise there was nothing to worry about and I felt more confident taking him out myself.

If he's healthy and happy you arent letting him down.
 
Don’t lose hope, small steps! Is there someone that can walk with you to where you are meeting your friends?

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am my biggest doubter! I’m sure you wouldn’t be doing your role if you couldn’t, they chose you. We all have ups and downs, have a coffee, right some goals/aims, break them down and go get em, you’ve got this! xx
 
ester said:
So your oldie was only with you when retired?

Two thoughts, have you tried having your 'new' guy on livery for a bit?
and he might be absolutely lovely but maybe he's not right for your right now.
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Yes have thought about it but space is limited here so not a choice at the moment, and if it's not him I can't think of a better horse for me and my situation, he is lovely and a joy to be with and my husband can handle him soil he ends up a field ornament then so be it he ain't going anywhere I promised him a home for life.
 
jcloud said:
Don’t lose hope, small steps! Is there someone that can walk with you to where you are meeting your friends?

I totally understand where you are coming from, I am my biggest doubter! I’m sure you wouldn’t be doing your role if you couldn’t, they chose you. We all have ups and downs, have a coffee, right some goals/aims, break them down and go get em, you’ve got this! xx
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Thank you for the pep talk x. ETA husband will walk with me when all else fails
 
OrangeAndLemon said:
It helped me to go out on foot while someone else hacked my horse. It made me realise there was nothing to worry about and I felt more confident taking him out myself.

If he's healthy and happy you arent letting him down.
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ThNk you, I have tried to find a rider for him with no joy, my niece likes to ride but she's in exam mode so doesn't have time will have another go as I really like walking lol
 
LittleBlackMule said:
I know just how you feel. I lost the horse of a lifetime a year ago, and impulse bought a sweet youngster to fill the massive void in my life. I feel sick with fear at the thought of starting riding her, even though I’ve ridden all my life and broken in countless youngsters. I don’t know where it’s come from.
Let’s face it, it’s not the weather to think of riding for now, so can’t you just go out, give him some fuss and a carrot or two, and leave it at that till the time feels right?
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Yep that's what I'm going to do and not beat myself up anymore well at least for today. Good luck with yours, living in a small island it's sometimes hard to get good help I am lucky to have the friends I do have that hack with me
 
Isn’t it funny how one area of your life impacts others. With your horse maybe try something new so you don’t always have to ride to be productive - I am currently working through the TRT method, but lots of other options. With your life maybe try and fit in something else to build confidence - singing, tennis or something, they both require an element of letting go and being brave which can help. I play competitive tennis now purely so I can work on my competition nerves!!!
 
I can relate to this on both fronts. I have spent my whole career worrying that I am not as good as people think and that I will be 'found out'. It was only when I said this to a friend who is successful and highly regarded in our industry that I discovered that others feel the same! I was so shocked when she said that she also had this issue. I think it comes from being a perfectionist, so when you get these worries try to remember that so many others fee the same.

Regarding the horse it is a tough one, because just not feeling good on a horse is much more difficult to overcome than a clear behaviour issue that you can focus on with training. I would suggest that you tell the friends that you hack with how you are feeling. Maybe they will be able to help or will have some ideas. When I had a similar issue a more confident friend used to sometimes swap horses with me and let me ride one of his calm oldies while he would ride mine. If you can ride a horse that you feel good on for a while it may help a lot, as more time in the saddle may boost your confidence.

I would say your best way would be to take small steps. You may feel better with him once the weather improves. If not then although you wanted to give him a home for life maybe you can consider if there might be another home for him where he would be a better fit, and if so maybe you could look for something else. It is a strange thing that sometimes we come across horses that we just do not feel confident on, despite them not actually doing anything wrong.

Really good luck and I hope that with an improvement in the weather you will feel more optimistic about everything.
 
Sven said:
Thank you for the pep talk x. ETA husband will walk with me when all else fails
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My husband walked with me too after a long break from horses. I remember he remarked at the time (on that first outing), "It looks like you are perched up there..."

I said, "That's because I am perched up here!" (I was a bit hysterical.) I was so stiff and nervous that I couldn't sit properly.

I have known even brave, confident, capable and daring riders having trouble after some years of not riding. It's just a question of accepting the help from those who offer to walk with us or even lead us. I told my husband I wanted him to lead me.

It's more of a crime to not try, and therefore never fail, than making a twit of ourselves.

:)
 
LittleBlackMule said:
... I feel sick with fear at the thought of starting riding her, even though I’ve ridden all my life and broken in countless youngsters. I don’t know where it’s come from.
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Hasn't it just come from not yet having re-found our balance?

Then, because we have lost our confidence from not feeling balanced, we do all sorts of things that we know are wrong, therefore making things worse.

If someone else is in control of the beast, we can relax. It's the relaxation that we need, which will help our bodies to do what they must do.

That's my take on it.
 
I needed to have a bit of a regroup recently and this is the sort of thing I went through in my mind:

When was the last time you can remember riding without worry?

Just that carefree, relaxed, easy feeling of being on a horse and everything just working?

What were the factors in that situation?
 
Having just come inside from my first jumping lesson post my super stack that gave me concussion back in November, I feel your anxiety.

My lesson had a great outcome, albeit I only managed 45cm. I was scared, scared, scared!

I love my amazing horse, my wonderful husband who is a professional jumping coach and I have the capability and skill but I still don’t want to jump. I’m still scared after my fall.

so tomorrow I’m making an appt with a sport psychologist to get through the mental challenges Im having with my fear of jumping. Do you have access to a good sport psyc?

Oh - as a CFO you are already amazing. We all have imposter syndrome from time to time. You don’t get to be a CFO without being something special.
 
Frano said:
A solution focussed Hypnotherapist May be of help.I have found it helpful.
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I have tried hypnotherapy but spent the whole time thinking that she had a really boring voice and gave her the answers she wanted as I can't really work out what the problem is, same with EFT it really makes no difference I end up saying I feel better to get them to stop. I think I will just wait till the sun shines and see if that helps.
 
Thank you to everyone who replied. I didn't expect you to and it is good to know I'm not alone with the imposter syndrome. Once I'm on and with friends I feel fine so going to focus on that. My lovely friends know I'm a wimp and make allowances for me. I'll be fine thanks for listening x
 
With most jobs I have felt worried about being found out for faking it. I have, however, had 2 jobs where I felt like a round peg in a round hole. That is a lovely feeling indeed. That is where it matters not too much whether you are working or off that day.

Same person, just in a role where I was allowed to shine as opposed to not being able to.

I think it is as much to do with your manager as anything. It is a gift when you can tell the manager, "I'm not sure about this," or, "I'm not confident at that," and you know that they will treat you as an intelligent human being and simply explain or provide the necessary training, or simply more time until you are onto of the situation.
 
In reply to OP's post, I was once a confident and competent professional rider/trainer. Then I hurt my back, then I lost my horse at home. Then life also became rough with family illness.

Now, I simply do whatever I feel happy to do with my horse. When I have felt overwhelmed with the other stuff, I have turned her away until I am resilient/have time again. I have become a real woose when I am not resilient, so give myself a break. At my least resilient times I simply lunged, got on and rode round a bit at walk, then got off. That was what would feel OK on those days, so that is what I did.

Having horses is supposed to be fun. Grab the fun times and forgive yourself on the days where simply turning up and doing stable chores is all that you can do. In fact, last year, in late spring, I was so overwhelmed with the other stuff, I packed my horse off to a friend's livery/training yard and did not even visit her for 2 weeks! She was there for 6 weeks, I turned up and rode when I could, when I had time and when I thought it may be fun. They kept her going so she was out jumping etc and I just cherry picked the fun times.

BTW, to Mr Red's disgust, he did have to cycle out with us a few times, and follow in the car a few times more. On this days, that was what would make it fun, so that is what I did.
 
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