non horsey but need a shoulder

S

sweetblossom

Well-Known Member
Joined
9 September 2009
Messages
165
Location
Up shite creek
Visit site
Hi all,

Just really want to take the weight off my shoulders. My daughter who is nearly 23 (still lives at home with us), had a 4 month relationship with a 40yr old man. He was married twice before with children from both marriages. Marriages ended due to his temper and the fact he likes to hit out.
I was unaware of my daughters relationship until the week before it ended. Obviously I was extreemly unhappy and had no interest in either meeting him or wanting their relationship to develop.
My daughter left the house one Sunday (April this year) only to return home a couple of hours later- he had beaten her senseless! She was covered head to toe in bruises, she had bald patches where he had thrown her around by the hair.
I obviously called the police and it was dealt with very quickly, he appeared at court and had to pay her £80 compensation.
I wish this was where it ended!!

Last night I found out that she was back with him!! She has been secretly seeing him again for the last few months behind my back.

What do I do? I am in turmoil, I hardly slept last night and I haven't been able to stop my tears.

I am a very protective mother, and I have a really good relationship with all of my children. I just can't bear the thought of him hurting her again- this thought is driving me insane with worry!

Hot buttered teacakes and steaming cup of tea to all those who made it to the end.
 
How horrendous for you
frown.gif
Please ring RELATE and speak to them, they will be able to offer constructive advice on your relationship with your Daughter and should be able to help you understand why she has gone back to him.

Massive hugs x x x x
 
Oh bless you SB, you poor thing, what a worry for you. It is so difficult. I don't have any children but can imagine how worried you must be. You don't need me to tell you that you're going to have tread very carefully with this one as even though you'll be cross with your girl for the right reasons laying the law down will more than likely have the opposite effect. Do however tell her how worried you are and that whilst you want her to be happy she can't be putting herself in danger. Sadly this man has done this before and will more than likely do it again. Keep her on side though
I'm sorry I'm sure you already know all of this and I really wish I could make things better for you both. Good luck & hugs to you. Really sorry I don't have all the answers for you. Sxx
 
Yeeeooooouucch! what a horrible situation.. I can understand how this must be every mothers worst nightmare.

My sister went through a phase when she was a teenager when she was seeing a guy in his twenties - he was a really nasty piece of work and it drove my mum to dispair with worry.

Luckily in the end she saw sense, the only advice I can give is to handle the situation really really carefully - my mum made the mistake of being upfront and honest about her feelings and for a long while it just drove my sister further into his arms - and caused a lot of problems with the realtionship between my mum and sister.

Perhaps try to talk to her about this, and express your concerns, explaining that you love her and want the best for her - but ultimately she is a grown woman and will make her own choices, its such a difficult situation but its important that the bond between you and your daughter remains strong as she will need you when it (no doubt) falls apart.

I really feel for your situation, and hope that your daughter comes to her senses..

Gem
 
Poor you. My own daughter's still a teenager, so I haven't had to face what you are currently going through.
As your daughter is well and truely an adult, there probably isn't too much you can actually do about the relationship. However, try not to make your daughter too aware that you dislike the man- you more you make your dislike known, the more likely you are to drive her further into his arms.Know from my own past, the more my parents went on about not liking a particular boyfriend, the more I carried on. And, although I wasn't, your daughter obviously feels the need to be devious about him in order to protect you, and maybe her own feelings.
Do feel you should make her aware why you are concerned, but try not to actually diss him, and most of all,make it very very clear you will ALWAYS be there for her,
no matter what.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
 
Sweetblossom you desereve lots of hugs because it is so very difficult to do anything that your child won't see as interferring and making out you to be in the wrong, even though you know you are right and this man is not good for her. Much as she could be in danger from this man, the more you disapprove the less she will communicate with you (and thus the more it is 'your fault' she is back with him and not enjoying life), ergo the more she is likely to stay with him.

My advise, difficult as it is to do, is sit on your hands, cross you fingers behind your back, anything to let your daughter know that you thoroughly disapprove or she will see it as you interferring and then won't confide in you. You will find it hard to say 'although I don't like what he has done to you, you are an adult now, it is your choice, and I will not stand in your way, but, if at any time you need to you mustn't be afraid to come and talk to me, the door is always open and I will do everything to help, and will always be here for you'

And above all, whatever happens you must never say 'I told you so', but I am hopeful she will see the light hopefully pretty rapidly. As the most perfect mother in times of crisis, you must of course do as much as you can to ensure as many good looking 'normal' young males as possible circulate through your home at all times even if it means gtting in touch with friends you've not spoken to for a while because they've an elligible son, or taking to having a family meal at the most single-male friendly pub on cricket club night every week or attending the local charity shindig or whatever is necessary.

My mother was a very wise woman and I miss her enormously (she died 12 years ago). I hope your daughter knows what a caring mother you are.

Lots of hugs and I'll skip the buttered teacakes as I'm not feeling 100% thank you!
 
Such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. I've been there, as the daughter (10 years ago now!). My parents didn't tell me they didn't like my boyfriend - they firmly believe that you keep your friends close and your enemies closer! They were able to "keep an eye" on things by inviting us round for dinner etc. It also meant that, once I had decided to leave, I knew they were there for me and I could go home.

Make sure your daughter knows you love her. If you decide to make your feelings about the boyfriend clear, try to do it tactfully and gently, so as not to drive her away. Let her know that you'll be there for her, whatever happens, regardless of anything that's been said.

*hugs*
 
Thankyou so much everyone for giving me some support.
I last spoke to her yesterday on the phone, (incidentally when I found out) I have had worries for the last few months as I felt she had been lying to me- I gently and sympathetically gave her the option time after time to be truthful (rather be in the situation of knowing than not knowing what it was she was keeping from me- could have been anything). In the phone call I told her I was worried about her as I didn't know where she was (she stayed out Friday/Saturday night) I could sense that I was being lied to again. Then in the background a loud male voice shouted "for f**k sake just f*ing tell her! She then admitted to me that she was back with him. I suddenly felt that I could not breathe and hung up.
I have not heard from her since- she stayed out again last night and came back to the house today to collect some belongings whilst I was at Uni.
I know I have to tread very very carefully- my instincts are to go around there, wallop him and drag her back home, but I know that can not happen. It's now a waiting game. I am feeling real pain. She knows she is loved, and she knows I am here for her, and I will just have to accept her decision.
I thought she had more sense.
frown.gif
frown.gif


eta: thank you again so much everyone for your warmth and advice. Now going to sit on hands and carry on as normal- until the time comes that she will need me again. XXXXXX
 
Oh Sweetblossom I can't begin to imagine how hideous this must be for you. I really don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been put forward - I think that Ali-M's suggestion of calling Relate may be sensible. Other than that I can only speak as a (now full adult!) daughter and say that no matter what she is doing and how much concern she is causing you, it is vital that you let her know you love her. It's very easy to allow our feelings about someone's actions to affect the way we feel about them but I wouldn't mind betting that she isn't really happy and she does need to know that you are there - as you so obviously are! I feel for you so much and offer you the biggest cyber-hugs and sincere wishes that this is resolved before something serious happens.

<<<<<hugs>>>>>
 
sweetblossom
What a horrible situation but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. You daughter is an adult who's made her choice & there's not a lot you can do apart from be there for her.
From what you've said about this man she will need you at some time in the future. Has she told you why she's with him, it doesn't sound like he's got a lot going for him!
She's not listening to you but has she got a brother or sister that she might listen to?
 
Ali M yes I will definately ring Relate, thankyou, sorry I forgot to mention that earlier XX
Turkana yes I have 4 children, H being the eldest (23 next month), then 2 teenages 18, 15 and a 9yr old. We are a very close family and we spend a lot of time together enjoying each others company. My other children are devastated as we all together picked up the pieces last time he hit her. They feel let down by her, as they are hurting also. They along with me cant see why she has gone back to him.
Hubby has been brilliant and came home after a tough wkend away working, he came through the door and saw us all, exited briefly to retrieve some tissues and then opened a bottle of wine. He has said just to let her choose her path but to be there when she needs me- and also not to feel angry with her.
So as I am home early I have cooked a family favourite tonight to cheer us all up a bit. Thick chicken stew and crusty warm bread, I will set a place for H as always and just hope that she comes home to eat with us. Thankyou all so much- you have all been brilliant. lots of sloppy hugs and kisses sent to each of you XXXXX
 
No advice other than to echo what others have said. You sound like a fabulous Mum anyway and hopefully 'H' will come to her senses sooner rather than later and realise that he really isn't worth it and she is worth better than that. Unfortunately in the meantime that probably means squashed fingers for you from sitting on your hands so much!

Massive (((((hugs)))) Sweetblossom, it sounds like a horrible situation.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top