Not coping and I just don't know what to do

[starry23]

Yesterday morning my horse was put to sleep. I know it was the right decision at the right time for her.

I just feel so lost and alone without her, she was my first and only horse and we had been through so much the past 3 1/2 years. I wish it didn't have to end after so little time.

This morning I went into work (boss wasn't best pleased when I phoned in sick yesterday and I couldn't face being made to feel guilty for phoning in again) but whenever people asked me how I was I just burst into tears so my boss sent me home (he said he didn't realise how bad it was, I don't think he realised she'd actually been PTS as he was very apologetic).

I have slept for most of the day but now I am wide awake, can't stop crying for long and I just don't know what to do. Sitting about doing nothing much isn't helping but I can't face going out in public and bursting into tears randomly.

I always went to the yard straight after work and spent a good couple of hours (at least) there or with friends doing various horsey things. I have no idea what else I can do with myself. With the cost of actually having her put down I cannot afford to do anything else like join a gym, go for my singing lessons, many things I think would distract me basically. Sitting at home by myself just makes everything feel so raw and real but I don't even feel like I have the energy to get up and go for a walk.

I have a lot of people who have said they are there for me if I need them and I'm so appreciative but I just don't think there is anything that anyone could do to help me right now mainly because I have absolutely no idea what will help. I have the offer of a couple of horses to ride or just spend time with generally but the thought of seeing any horse right now just makes me cry. I still want horses to be a big part of my life but I need to give myself a bit of time.

There's not really much point to this post but I just felt I needed to get this out. Please tell me I'm not the only one to feel like this!? Thanks for reading.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

I'm sorry-she was truly stunning. Its still very early days , it does get a little better given time.

 

[Sandstone1]

So sorry for your loss. She was beautiful. Think most of us have been there and there is no easy answer I'm afraid. People always say time heals and it really does.
Is there a animal charity near you you could volunteer for, or maybe offer to help out at a riding school or something.
A memorial of some kind to your mare might help too. I planted a tree for mine.
Take care.

 

[southerncomfort]

I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. You sound utterly grief-stricken and no wonder, it sounds like she was your absolute world and what a beauty she was.

It's very early days so be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve, it will get better honestly. xx

 

[Ebenezer_Scrooge]

Oh bless you sweetie...to let them go is so hard but the last act of love an owner can do. She is beautiful & in time you Will remember the good times. As to what to do, I drank wine & cried a lot the first few days. Be kind to yourself....your boss's attitude hasn't helped either but unless you tell them what's happened they can't help. maybe email them to explain. As for going back to yard, do so when you are ready. I had to go up as I had my companion shetland to look after who was also mourning the loss of her companion. Xx

 

[kinnygirl1]

So sorry to hear this. Please give yourself some time to grieve and just be, don't fight it. You will never forget her but things will get better and you will look back at your good memories with a smile.

 

[Sugarplum Furry]

You poor thing, it's so tough when they go, especially when they've such as major part of your life..and it sounds as though she was. Lovely photo by the way, what a beautiful horse. There are many of us on this website who've been through exactly what you are going through, it's a horrible time, sad and shocking and the feeling of loss, and being lost, is awful. The first few days are just rubbish with many tears but I do absolutely promise you it will pass. In the future (and there is a future!) the good memories of your horse will stay with you, you'll smile when you think of her.

Also, and this is such a positive thing, everything you learned with your lovely horse you'll find yourself being grateful for, as you can carry that knowledge on in your horsey future.

Big hugs, it's OK to cry!! xx

 

[fatponee]

So sorry to hear this. Please give yourself some time to grieve and just be, don't fight it. You will never forget her but things will get better and you will look back at your good memories with a smile.

Ditto this. I am so sorry to hear your news. (((((((((Big hugs)))))))))) xxx

 

[Echo Bravo]

It takes time to grieve over something you loved and you cann't say that such and such a time is a cut off point. It's not any easier to lose a horse at 3 1/2 years than it is after 22 years. I lost my dog Ben at 3, 3 years ago and I still miss him very much.

 

[littlecoblet]

You're definitely not the only one, I lost my little guy of 23 years 2 years ago and I cried and cried and cried... it does get easier, and you're not alone xx

I didn't call them in the end, but I did look up these guys http://www.bluecross.org.uk/2083/pet-bereavement-support-service.html

 

[Hippophilia]

Oh you poor thing. You're grieving, be kind to yourself. I was lucky that when I lost my mare back in Feb I also had a toddler to look after and a house move to organize so I didn't miss the time at the yard so much. It did take me a while to be able to look at her pictures and I had to send my OH to the yard to pack up her stuff as I couldn't face it. I started riding again about three months later and it did help, even if I felt weirdly guilty at first. I also found thinking about her memorial helped. I donated to the Brook in her name and had a lovely stock pin made with her hair. It is very hard, don't expect too much of yourself too soon. It's ok to be feeling the way you do. She will always be with you. Just the other night I dreamed of my girl and she told me she was happy and forgave me. It will be ok. < hugs >

 

[Pearlsasinger]

She was absolutely beautiful!
You made the right decision for your horse for the right reasons but it is extremely hard, at least in part because we lose a lifestyle, along with the horse, if we are one horse owners.
As someone else said, when you have another horse that has to be looked after, you do have to go to the yard and get on with it. But I fully understand how you fee atm. When my first horse was pts after a field accident, I was lucky because I already had a holiday booked very shortly afterwards - that helped to take my mind of the awfulness of it all. It was actually 2 yrs before sis and I bought another horse to share, although we had ridden other horses in the meantime.
Since then, we have always had other horses who needed us when one has been pts.
Let your friends support you at this difficult time, you don't have to go to the yard just yet but I'm sure someone will be happy to come and share a bottle of wine and reminisce with you about your fabulous mare.
One day you will feel that you are ready to ride again and take up one of the offers of a horse to ride, then you may well decide to get another horse of your own and put all the experience that you gained caring for gorgeous mare into looking after another lucky horse.
In the short-term, why not go and talk to your GP about a few days off work until you feel a bit stronger?

 

[dogatemysalad]

I think a lot of us can relate to how you are feeling right now. I remember it feeling as though my heart was literally breaking in to pieces. I'm so sorry, she was exceptionally pretty, a sweet girl.
Hang on in there, and accept any support from your friends. Don't worry about having to get back out there with riding other people's horses unless you want to. You may find that you are drawn back anyway when you're ready.
Take care xx

 

[canteron]

I feel for you the emotions are so raw, sadness, guilt, relief, they all seem to form part of the picture - so I agree, firstly allow yourself to grieve, she was gorgeous and worth your tears.

Maybe sort out your photos and choose your favourite to be framed, walking is always therapeutic and also maybe reread the Rainbow Bridge, I have to believe in this or I couldn't cope with my beautiful pets when they leave us.

Its is so hard, but there is another side, when the memories become very precious but the thought of your girl will make you smile together with the thought that you were able to spend 3.5 years privileged years with her.

 

[Saneta]

Gutted for you. It's been nearly 2 years since I had to make that terrible decision, and whilst I can now think about her without bursting into tears, it still hurts and I miss her every day. I don't know what your home circumstances are, but believe me, you are not alone and there are people out there who can help. Please do allow yourself time to grieve, you're probably in shock as much as anything else right now, and your usual daily routine that you must have loved has stopped suddenly. Please call either the Blue Cross or the BHS as they both offer bereavement support which may help you. Nothing to lose by making the call...

 

[Ceriann]

I am so very sorry about your mare - she was beautiful.

I think you need to allow yourself to feel like you do and dont feel bad about it - your grief and how it plays out is a result of you felt and feel about your mare. You were clearly a devoted owner. Do things like look at pics, talk about her and what you did with her with people. I lost my mare almost two weeks ago and i often find myself in tears (on the way to work this morning) but i also smile every now and again when i think of some of the things we did or how i think she might have reacted to something. Its not easy but you had 3 and a half years with her where you cherished and loved her so you shouldnt expect it to be - the memories you have will, in time, be of great comfort to you. I was in a right state for the first few days so dont be too hard on yourself. Look after yourself.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Give yourself a break, girl, you just lost the love of your life. The only thing that helps is time and distance from the death of your beautiful girl. If you need the time and the boss has realised how big an impact this has had, take some time and just grieve. If you have someone you can rant to, do it and I hope someone is looking after you to ensure you eat.

 

[_GG_]

Bless you. She was beautiful and you need to grieve. It is a total loss in the sense that it has not affected you by losing something you care about that you were involved with from time to time, but the loss has a direct effect on your everyday life, changing is considerably.

Please be kind to yourself. Your friends don't need to do anything to help you...the only thing that can really help is time, but your friends just being there can give you some comfort.

She was absolutely beautiful. You poor, poor thing xxx

 

[starry23]

Thanks everyone, for your support and suggestions. I spoke to the BHS before it happened and they were very nice. The lady I spoke to gave me her direct line number so I might give her a call tomorrow. I didn't realise that the Blue Cross also had a phone line.

I'm going to have a bracelet made from her tail hair and I have wanted to get another tattoo for a while and I wanted to design it myself so I might see if I can come up with something that will remind me of her.

She was a brilliant horse, she really taught me so much.

 

[Ceriann]

You have such fab photos and in every one you both look like you are loving every minute. You clearly had a special bond which in time will help. She was absolutely gorgeous.

 

[BlackRider]

Just give yourself some time, it takes a while but does get easier (although it doesn't happen overnight).

I had to take a day's holiday when I lost my horse, its very hard when the people you work with don't understand x

ps - www.enchantedhorse.co.uk do lovely keepsakes x

 

[Evie91]

how awful for you. Three and a half years is no time at all - so sorry you lost your horse so soon. Looks like you both had a wonderful time together. I would say feeling bereft after the loss of a much loved horse is entirely normal - I'm sure I'd be the same.

 

[Goldenstar]

Lovely lovely horse .
I PTS a home bred horse in very difficult circumtances and I found it very difficult to get over I could only do it one way I just refused to think of her every time she came into my head I did something, in time I could think of her but at first I just could not Its very hard but in time it does get better.

 

[Arizahn]

Deepest sympathies, and wishing you well <hugs> Beautiful horse.

 

[debsflo]

So sorry to hear this,really feel for you. When i lost my last horse i couldnt work for a couple of weeks,didnt want to see anyone and cried constantly for about 2 weeks. I think its like losing someone you love and i think its really important to allow yourself to grieve. It takes time,is a huge shock and its hard to imagine life moving on but it does get easier with time. Just take care of yourself and one day at a time.

 

[MochaDun]

Looks like you two had an absolute ball together and she was stunning so no wonder you feel like you do. Like others have said though, allow yourself to grieve and only time will help make it easier.

 

[Undecided]

I'm sorry, she was truly beautiful. I am facing the decision within the year, I'm very calm about retiring him right now, almost making a joke of it but I know I'd fall to pieces if I couldn't see his face every day. Do you have any other pets? Maybe you could walk a friends dog to get out of the house but be alone with your thoughts at the same time?

 

[chocolategirl]

So sorry you have lost your beautiful girl. Every animal I've lost over the years has taken a little piece of me with them I feel so I really understand your depth of feeling. It's the depth of the love we feel for them that dictates the strength of the grief we go through when we lose them. You clearly loved her and it may take you a long while before you really feel like you want to be around horses again. You will know when thermite is right. I don't think it even makes any difference how long they were with you, some horses just own your heart right from the start! I know it's a cliche, but time really is a great healer and I'm sure you have tons of lovely memories to keep her in your thoughts. Good luck and let us know how you get on, some times it's just good to write it down. Hugs to you.

 

[starry23]

I have a cat, she is very cuddly so she is quite comforting. I'm actually feeling a little calmer having typed it out and looking back at some nice photos and I've decided to make a little display of a couple of her pretty browbands, rosettes, photos and a bit of her tail hair in something like this http://www.notonthehighstreet.com/rosegreyinteriors/product/antique_style_display_case that can go up in my bedroom or living room. I think that tomorrow I might go for a little run or something.

Undecided, Rubic was originally retired last year after an injury but this summer she came sound enough for us to go hacking in straight lines (circles were her issue). Unfortunately she was kicked about 6/7 weeks ago and went downhill dramatically after that (we think it was a combination of her ligament injury and arthritis in the joint that had been injured). I feel at peace with the decision and I know it was the right one. I'm not a spiritual person but when the vet arrived she put her head in my arms and sighed, I know it was the right time for her too, she just wasn't herself.

 

[Highlands]

So sorry