Not CR, but need cheering up big time.

T

TheoryX1

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 March 2010
Messages
2,168
Location
Bristol
Visit site
Sorry, not CR at all, but needed to get something off my chest big time and you lot are normally really, really supportive. Hubbys dad died on Monday, it wasnt unexpected but when it happens its hard. Anyway, I didnt get on with mother in law, but I did with father in law. The funeral is arranged for next week and its going to be a full catholic mass followed by a burial, it will be a really emotional day all around. Got told by hubby last night that the family had said they dont want me there. He supported this decision and was pretty cruel in the manner in which he told me. I know he is in shock, so didnt say anything back, just nodded and accepted the decision.

I havent said anything to him, as I dont feel I can add to his misery, but I am sitting here, when I should be working on some figues, feeling like s**t, and feeling very, very upset. I dont like funerals any more than the next person, but I wanted to go and pay my respects to him.

Was so upset last night that I just cried and cried into my boys hogged mane and could not ride - thank goodness for horses, what would we do without them? Am not going to make a fuss, and wont just turn up as will respect their decision, but thoughts please, am I being daft?
 
awwwww ((((hugs))))) I don't think you are being daft, I think for whatever reason the family have decided to 'close ranks' like that on you even the most understanding person would feel hurt and rejected. As it's their granddad are your kid(s) going?....I think it is pretty off if they are but you have been excluded.

Grief does do funny things to people though my Dad's Dad died this year and my Dad who is very mild mannered and easy going didn't cope at all well, and he really took it out on my poor mum. I think with grief comes anger and sadly the person closest to the bereaved gets the full brunt of their emotions.

Is it a religious reasoning? are you not Catholic?... I could maybe understand that.....next week things may look very different after they have had time to think, or maybe you are right and it is just the mother in law being malicious, striking out because she feels vulnerable, sad, lost etc...

Not sure what else to advise, spend lots of time with the ponies they will cheer you up oh and chocolate! :)
 
No, not daft at all, it's an emotional time & it's natural that you want to say goodbye to him.

Hard to know how best to phrase this without being tactless, but your father-in-law isn't actually in his body any more, so if you have your own ceremony at home, it won't be any less 'valid' than the one that takes place where his body is. You might even find it more of a release if you have your own ceremony as you can concentrate on what you want to say, & say it in your own way, without worrying about family politics.

(((hugs))) and hope you feel better soon.
 
This is so sad and I really feel for you. In some respect you must accept the family decision, but I feel there was no need for your OH to be quite so blunt. Mind you, from his perspective he must be feeling really bad about it too. He must be torn in two.
Is there any chance you might be able to go and visit Father-in -law in the chapel of rest and pay your respects to him there?
I truly hope you can sort things out, especially with your OH.
 
You are not being daft at all. I would be very hurt if my husband didn't stick up for me in a situation like that, although I appreciate it must be hard if he feels "stuck in the middle", there was no need for him to be so blunt/cruel when telling you. :(

Such a shame when family politics get in the way like this. I agree with catembi, have your own wee quiet time on the day to think of him, remember him in your own way and say goodbye. :(
hug.gif
for you though.
 
When you say you don't get on with MIL did you still see them and attend family gatherings? If so I think it is very, very harsh. Also unless it is a private funeral anyone can attend. It is awful that your husband did not stick up for you and long term I think such petty decisions cause even more long term rifts in the family. Very sad.
Also as others have said if your children are going and you are excluded that is even worse as any parent would want to be there to support their child at a time of losing a grandparent.
Really feel for you :( It is making a very sad time even more unbearable.
 
Im so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in, your right in that hes grieving and we do strange things when were grieving.
Give him a few days, he may decide he needs you there for support and sod the family or he may fele pressured into excluding you. If things dont change I agree with the others, have your own time to remember and grieve for him. I know its not the same but when my grandad died my dad pushed my mum away because he didnt like showing vulnerability in fornt of her, strange male thinking. Again im so sorry
 
I'm so sorry to hear that. I know this must be a terrible time for everyone (including you)

I know your husband is upset but he should not have said it so bluntly and, as his wife surely the family should see that even if you don't get on with M-I-L then you would be wanting to pay your respects to your lost F-I-L and to support your husband at the funeral. I think it is unfair for your hubby to not support you in the family's choice and he should ask the family to allow the decision to attend to be up to you.

Surely a funeral is open to anyone who wishes to attend? will family relatives/friends not wonder why you aren't there and make things more awkward for them?

If you would like to attend, would it be worth asking if you can go but that you will remain away from the family for the duration? or even just attend the service not the buriel?

My nana passed away 3 weeks ago and my dad & mum don't get on - however for the sake of the day they agreed to drop their differences for the sake of my Nana. the day went smoothly.

I think if it is impossible to attend, then maybe you could have some 'quiet time' when it is over, by the graveside. Just you, what about reading some passages that really meant something to you and your F-I-L?

Good luck, I know I don't know you but big hugs in this dreadful time.
 
I think you should tell your OH and your MIL if necessary, that while you would like to go to pay your respects, you will respect their decision, but it's NOT your choice.
But tbh since I utterly hate funerals I'd much rather have a private remembrance at home, so I'd think I was getting let off the hook, esp if you don't get on with your MIL, who might use the excuse to be utterly vile...
(and yes, I've been there. My maternal grandmother was utterly vile about me, at my father's funeral, when I was a child. Niiiiice.)
 
I feel for you, big hugs!! A death in a family should be a time where every one can put their differences aside and remember fondly the person that died. They are being real stinkers about this and so is your OH!! I can't believe him!! My OH's Brother died when we where together about a year, they had the full catholic wake (3 days over here) & mass etc, I'm not of catholic faith but I was made feel welcome and part of the family not an outsider!!
 
Thank you all of you. I have had to close my office door and have a cry after reading all of these responses. Have had some hugs off my staff as well, which was lovely. Oddly enough the cemetary where he will be buried is in the same road as the yard I keep my two at, so I will be going there myself after its all over to lay some flowers on the grave to pay my respect to him, on my own. There is no point talking to my OH, his mother is an arch manipulator, and it wont get me anywhere, so I will just handle it quietly and with some dignity. However, the sad thing is that I wont forget this, even though I know I will forgive in time.
 
It seems that when someone dies some families think its time to act in a very underhand manner. My half sister and my cousin have been malicious and spiteful to me ever since my mother died 17 years ago. I just keep out of their way and try not to have anything to do with them. All they are interested in is any money that was left!!

Big hugs to you and I hope you can move on from this.
 
Oh no how awful for you :( Lots of hugs from me!

Not sure what to say really but think you are handling this in a very dignified manner and your hubby should def be doing some serious making up after all of this is over and his head is in a better place.

I would recommend a HUGE glass of wine, kettle chips and chocolate.. it helps a little bit :)
 
My Mum was killed in a car crash 40 years ago and once I got over the initial shock and grief I was absolutely furious with everyone and everything - I remember seeing a woman my age walking along the road arm in arm with someone I decided was her Mum and having to stop myself going and hitting them. I was horrible to my husband on the grounds that he had no idea what I was going through. He just soaked it up and turned the other cheek.
He was very supportive at the funeral though so it wasn't at all the same situation as yours.

What I'm trying to say is - you're doing the right thing. Hugs x
 
Rosiefan said:
My Mum was killed in a car crash 40 years ago and once I got over the initial shock and grief I was absolutely furious with everyone and everything - I remember seeing a woman my age walking along the road arm in arm with someone I decided was her Mum and having to stop myself going and hitting them. I was horrible to my husband on the grounds that he had no idea what I was going through. He just soaked it up and turned the other cheek.
He was very supportive at the funeral though so it wasn't at all the same situation as yours.

What I'm trying to say is - you're doing the right thing. Hugs x
Click to expand...

I was goin to say that sometimes we lash out at those we love when we are hurting, so I could perhaps forgive my husband, who is caught up in the nastiness of his mother (however I would calmly tell him that you loved his dad very much and would have liked to say goodbye - he ought to know you're upset and hurt over this...)

Do exactly what you're doing - put your flowers down and have a cry. I admire you for being so calm, gracious and understanding of the situation.

As for his mother, she is being awful. Perhaps she is full of grief, but I can really see why you had problems with her. She ought to realise that the funeral is about her husband, not her. Then again grief does horrible things to us sometimes. One day she will feel awful for doing this, even if she doesn't admit it.

Big hugs to you hun. Keep your chin up.xxx
 
well your husbands actions and words fail me! you married him, he is your husband and yet he wont fight your corner? SAD. rise above the pettiness but make sure you never invit the MIL for any family gatherings/christmas etc. and if you dear other half should question this then your response will be quick i am sure. Pay your own respects to your FIL, i am sure he will hear, albeit you have a very deaf husband and MIL.
 
I think you sounds like you're handling this with great dignity. There's some very good advice already here. I am close to a family that completely fractured following the death of their Father. You never know, it might be better that you are slightly removed from all the infighting and arguments that may occur over the next few days.
Send your flowers and have him in your thoughts. xx
 
oh thats so horrible :( i would have thought that something sad happening would pull people together, but it often seems to cause problems amongst families :confused:
as others have said you can quietly pay your own respects and then hopefully at some point in the future (when emotions aren't quite as raw) talk to your OH about how he made you feel. i know that he must be very upset but it really isn't fair to take it out on you... :confused:

(((hugs)))
 
Bless you, I admire your dignity. I know it's hard when you are also greiving but people do all react differently to grief. Some people lash out any way they can and your husband is stuck in a very difficult position. No one will be thinking straight. Try not to take it too personally and remember that even if you can't go to the funeral, your FIL would have been aware of the regard you had for him.
 
Just can'nt put into words how sorry I feel for you but you're doing the right thing not to get into a fight with your OH about it, sounds like he's got the mother for hell. You can say goodbye to your FIL in a must better way that being with people who treat you like this. I think in time your OH will come to regret having not supported you and the dignity with which you are coping with this now will emphaise how wrong both he and his family are. Big hugs to you and I'm so glad you've got your horses, whenever there's been saddness in my life my boys have never let me down.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top