Not the horse for me

D

dodgers89

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I got my horse on loan 14 months ago and at first things were fine. Gradually he became spooky when out alone and in the arena and now he spooks when in company. I took him on loan as a novice ride, which he clearly isn't. I'm sure a more experienced rider would do very well with him but every time he does something daft, my confidence dips further and is now at the point where I no longer enjoy riding. I've come off him twice recently (once today) I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and the last time it flared up badly for several weeks post fall. Today I began to talk to his owner about giving him back and I'm heartbroken. I know it's not fair on either of us to have a horse I'm too scared to ride but the thought of giving him up is horrible. It's best for me and for him. How do I get over feeling so guilty? I feel like I've let him and myself down :(
 
In what sense does he spook? Does he jump to the side or bolt etc? It may be possible to quite quickly improve his confidence if you can get someone more comfortable to ride him for a while... And with groundwork. But it's also not a bad thing to give him back and get a horse that's more suited to you. Particularly as you're just sending him back to his previous owner. I'm sure he'll be fine :)
 
There are horses out there that will not drop you because something takes their eye. The bes t thing you can do for your own health and safety and for the horse's wellbeing is to return him to his owner. I expect that the owner will keep you updated about him if she would like her to.
Then you need to look for a safe horse which is advertised as a confidence giver. The right horse will look after you and make riding a pleasure.
 
I know exactly how you feel. Currently in same situation although it's because I want more than horse can do- Iv percevered for 3 years and began to doubt my ability to ride as he just wouldn't work nicely consistently but he became lame I rode a friends horse who has had similar level of work and it went amazingly idealised then it wasn't me but it is my current horse not being co operative and I have decided to look for something who I can compete on and not just keep putting all te time and money into the home work for it to just fall apart if he is on a uncooperative day( he has more of these then good days).
I feel terribly guilty that he is going back and will probably retire as he is hard work/very quirky and won't just make a nice hack so the kindest thing for him will be to live out at grass which he will love but I still can't stop myself feeling guilty about it. I have however started to live with that and it helped when people telling me it was best for me as its my confidence being knocked and that's important to enjoy it everyday not just occasionally also the fact I am pouring money down the drain for no rewards.
Sorry not really much help on how to stop it but your not alone and sometimes we have to put ourselves first, I am thankful my boy has a lovely owner who he can go back to and I know he will be loved and cared for, I'm sure yours is the same and take some comfort from that!
 
Seemingly his owner doesn't want him back and is keen to find someone to buy him. I realise it isn't my responsibility because he's not legally my horse but I feel terrible knowing that his owner doesn't want him. I want him but as Dizzydancer pointed out, I'm spending a huge amount of money on a horse I don't enjoy riding. It's hard when you get so attached!
 
dodgers89 said:
Seemingly his owner doesn't want him back and is keen to find someone to buy him. I realise it isn't my responsibility because he's not legally my horse but I feel terrible knowing that his owner doesn't want him. I want him but as Dizzydancer pointed out, I'm spending a huge amount of money on a horse I don't enjoy riding. It's hard when you get so attached!
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I know its hard, but that is her problem to sell him on.
Do you have a loan contract? If so, am sure you must have a months notice in it, so give your notice in writing & say horse will be delivered back on xyz date to the owner. Pop him on field rest (holiday) till he goes & detach yourself a bit if you can, obviously providing the necessary care he needs tho.
The longer you keep horse it will prolong the problems you have. Please dont get suckered in to selling him for owner as this means you will have to carry on riding & working horse.
I really do feel for you tho, its damned hard. Hope you manage to resolve this x
 
Echo that. It is hard but you have made the right decision. Give him a rest and then send him back to the owner. Taking on selling him yourself will be too hard. Most of us here will have either been in that situation or have a friend who has. You are not letting him or yourself down. This is too expensive a pastime to not enjoy it; and worse if you also risk serious injury!
 
Return him to his owner. It is the best thing for you and for him. If he continues to scare you, he will know and this will dent his confidence also, and create more behaviours as you wont be able to ride forwards and positively (which sounds as though this is what is needed)

(Some years ago I loaned my smart forward going cob while I finished at Uni. - the loaner was scared of him, but didn't tell me, and all appeared fine on my very regular visits. However, she didn't own up and he ended up learning how to nap and rear - once those behaviours have been learned they never go away and became his default position and he ended up being ruined as a hack - which was what I had wanted him for)

I appreciate your situation wont be the same, but how I wish the person who loaned my horse had handed him back to me. I would get something else...you will be much happier, and Im sure your honesty will be appreciated by the owner
 
Its not your problem dodgers89 - she needs to get something in place - its her horse and her responsibility - as long as you give notice of course! x
 
Best thing you can do is give the horse back. If you are losing confidence in him then he is probably losing confidence in you too so it begins a downward spiral. The good thing about loaning is you do have the option to give the horse back and not have the dilemma of having to sell the horse on. Dont feel that it is your responsibility what happens to him next. I'm sure his owner will find another loaner who might be more confident and will make a good partnership.
 
dodgers89 said:
Thank you for all of your replies :) If the owner genuinely doesn't have anything in place to take back the horse, what happens the ?
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You will be giving her a months notice? So she has a month to go round the local livery yards, pick one and start paying for a space. It is not hard.
 
It won't be hard for her to find somewhere to stick him if she has a month's notice.

The beauty of loaning is that you can just send them back if they're not right for you - take advantage of that privilege! I know it's hard, but to be honest it sounds like the horse would be happier with someone more confident. You said it's been a downward spiral, which sort of suggests that he's feeding from your anxiety and nerves when riding him.

You'll find something more suitable, don't worry. You're doing the right thing for everyone!
 
I think returning the horse and getting some lessons and riding your friends horse would be far better than rushing in to getting another. RA is a funny thing, and when you have flares horse owning can be pretty demoralising knowing you've got to keep going at it.

Enjoy riding other horses, build your confidence back up and see how you feel down the line. Good luck!
 
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