Numpty question.......boys bits!!!

[sugarpuff]

Ok, I know this is a bit of a daft question but I need some advice about my boys bits

Basically, how often should I clean it and how is the best way to do it?? He's not the sort of horse to let it all "hang out" when he's relaxed, infact I've only seen it out when he does a wee. I have tried to wipe "inside" with warm water fairly regularly, but am I supposed to be able to pull it out to clean??

Sorry, I'm trying not to be too graphic with my wording!!

*Non-horsey OH has NO idea what I'm typing on the laptop.......if I told him that I am asking you guys whether I should grope around my geldings nether regions I think he might leave me!!

*

Sorry, hope no one is eating their dinner!

 

[Chico Mio]

Search 'Mr Hand'

Here you go:

Have you never seen Mr Hand???

Copied and pasted here for you!

Mr. Hand
Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)
4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand . What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.
Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.
If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
6) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in . You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it . No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma.
So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.
8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken . A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.
9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-)
and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)
Now, go thou forth and clean that Part

 

[sugarpuff]

I am now rolling round PMSL and getting some of strangest looks off OH!!!

Thanks so much! I don't think I have delved deep enough to find a bean yet

Just one more question.....how often does Mr Hand have to delve?

I shall ensure that the school lessons are not on when I next go exploring......I'm not sure I would know what to say to half a dozen 12 year olds when they ask me what I'm doing

 

[indiat]

Oh dear lord, I nearly lost my dinner!

I don't care how stroppy they are, I'll stick to the mares, ta! Very, very funny description though.

 

[Torryvald]

I try and do my horse about twice a year. My OH is horrified that I do it at all!! I last did my horse after the vet had sedated him to get his teeth done. I seized the opportunity ( he doesn't like me touching his boy bits) and I was glad I did as there was a LOT of black gunk that came out. I also removed the infamous 'bean'!!

I know loads of people that never do it and their geldings are fine. I just find it satisfying to know he is clean, especially before fly season starts! I am also weird!

 

[ForeverBroke_]

I'm paranoid that I cannot find the infamous bean! Darcys is done when needed but its not without difficulty

 

[Chico Mio]

I keep an eye on things. If he looks flaky but is weeing OK I give him a squirt of baby oil and leave him. If he wees in dribs and drabs I roll up my sleeves and go bean hunting. He's been OK for the last six months.

 

[algy666]

I keep an eye on Dylan's and do it when I think it looks like it needs done - never had any problems in 6 and a half years

 

[brucea]

Get a friend to hold up the tail when you are doing it.

They should watch the back end carefully. You'll know if you've put your hand too far in because their job is to shout "fingers!"

 

[Box_Of_Frogs]

Take great care if you're going to attempt it. Read the small print on the sides of the "sheath cleaner" bottles - they offer dire warnings about rinsing and cleaning and allergies and so on. If you have to do anything, make sure it's as gentle as YOU would be prepared to have on the inside of any private bits! The problem as I see it is that you can't be certain you would ever be able to do the essential "rinse" part on your horse as he seriously might have had enough by then. You might end up with a worse problem then - having to apply antibiotic cream 3 times a day to the ned's sore part!

 

[Kallibear]

Unless they're particularly dirty geldings (and many are dirty BECAUSE of the too-regular cleaning) I only check for the bean roughly twice a year and leave the rest well alone.