OH v horses - help please

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nightcap3

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Sorry if this has been done to death - but would really appreciate some perspective. Am I spoilt?

OH works full time, I work part time when I can (long term illness so sometimes off for a few months at a time), I do PT professional work and some teaching to cover my horse's costs. OH puts half his take-home in a bills account which pays for bills, food, dogs etc. When I'm doing prof work I put half of my take home in there too (can be £400/day - but sporadic).

We each pay for our own cars, mobiles, hobbies etc. Bills account pays for cleaner 2 hours/week and for OH's ironing to get done once a month. I do the cooking, shopping, rest of cleaning, laundry, dog walking, gardening, general chores, pay bills etc. OH doesn't have any specific chores though will do the odd thing if asked (somewhat grudgingly and in his own time!)

OH seems to feel like I am living off him and not contributing enough financially, although we live on less than he did before we married. I feel that he ought to make some effort around the house as we are in a relationship and I'm not an unpaid housekeeper - plus the fact I am usually knackered by the end of the day due to the illness. He just thinks I should give something up so that i'm not so tired, ie riding (strangely enough not laundry!!) When I'm too ill to work I basically have to live off him as his salary is high enough that I can't get benefits.

So am I being ungrateful and spoilt or should I stand up to him more? I don't hate him so no severe man-bashing please, I am just trying to figure out what is reasonable.

Thanks,

nightcap3
 
Sounds like you have a very nice standard of living to me.

As for living 'off' him - always a tricky one - you are after all married........

I can understand him thinking that the horses should go, if I'm honest.

But have no real answers for you.
 
I thought marriage was meant to be a partnership not a competition of who puts in/ does more, so what if he earns more than you, is in full time employment he can still do a few chores round the house.
If you are tired can you get the cleaner in another hour or two, get the laundry done more often rather than cut back on riding. If he keeps half his pay he is obviously doing well enough it would not hurt him to pay for the laundry out of that.
 
I read this as 1 horse. It is reasonable for you to have 1 horse. if you have several horses, then maybe you need to look at whether that is reasonable.

You are doing a lot/most of the housework, if you did not have your horse/s it sounds to me like you would not have much at all that is for you. It also sounds like your OH can afford to help out financially.

Can you sit down and talk to him, work out an agreement, so that he and you both have the opportunity to have your say.

I don't know the answer because after 19 years of marriage, we still argue about the horses.
 
It doesn't sound like your spoilt to me. You are married and as such are a partnership which includes financially.

I am not married but we have been together 5 years. We both work full time. We share the household expenses and the house work.

I pay for everything for my 2 horses, mobile, car insurance and basically anything else I need. We have seperate bank accounts so once the bills etc are paid, what's left is mine to spend as I like and the same for him.

I'm not good at sharing lol and enjoy not having to justify what I spend to my OH and I would never dream of asking him what he does with his money either.
 
If you have one horse I don't see the issue, if you are paying for it.

Perhaps you could start 'charging' your OH for the chores you do round the house, or at least costing them so he can start to appreciate the value of what you do. If he is a money motivated person?

If he is only using half his wages to pay for all the household costs then personally I don't see the issue?

Px
 
Pilib said:
If he is only using half his wages to pay for all the household costs then personally I don't see the issue?

Px
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I guess that's his point he is using half of his income on household costs - rather than the OP putting anything in regularly, but still paying for a horse(s)....
 
Thank you for your perspectives. Yes 1 horse, he is on assisted grass livery which is cheaper plus he gets fed & checked twice a day even if I'm not able to get there.

I agree we need to talk about it but I don't know how! This is helping though so thanks.
 
I don't think life is ridgedly 'fair' especially in a marrage, there will always be compromise. It sounds like you need to talk to him and understand why he feels the way he does and explain to him why you feel the way you do. If one of you feels it isn't working it doesn't really even matter if it's fair or not he/ you still feels that way and it's difficult to change the way someone feels without talking it through.
Has something changed recently that is making him feel this way or has it been building for a long time?
 
Money is always difficult when it comes to the extra's in life.

I supported my OH for ten years after he had to stop working for health reasons, now we are retired we do not have the income we would have had from two penisons, so it is about compromise.

As long as both of you have interests, then try to come to an agreement you are both happy with, so that one person does not feel resentful.

Hope you are in a period where you feel better and can enjoy your horse.
 
That's good advice PM, thanks. It is easy to get hung up on what's fair, and you're right I need to understand why he feels like he does.

Nothing's really changed, I've recently got some work after 8-9 months without, and did well last year. I left early yesterday to go to dressage training (which I get paid for!) and asked him to do one thing before he left for work, and came back to a list of things he felt I ought to do before I do "my stuff" - most of which were done anyway, but it got my back up . . . & brought up the stuff that has been simmering away for a while! oh dear . .
 
In our house we both work full time. OH earns about 8k more than I do.

When we first got together we spilt everything 50/50. It worked out that we paid 50/50 of rent, then I paid gas, electric and water and OH paid for the council tax, sky, internet, tv licence etc and then we paid our own phones, cars etc.

I struggled with this arrangement and keeping my pony so I had to sell her.

Fast forward to now and we own our own home. The bills are still split the same but as we are in a new build the gas and electric are much less and we are on a water metre so I save about £130 a month :O) OH pays everything else. I've never asked how much he pays, but its easily £200 more a month than I pay.

OH does the washing and I do everything else around the house. I am not spoiled by any means but I appreciate that I wouldnt have my pony of a lifetime if he didnt contribute like he does so I am very grateful. I also spend a lot of time at the yard while hes home so I am lucky. He does moan sometimes but I find that if I dont talk horse when its our time, he doesnt moan as much :D
 
Thanks Adopter, you are right resentment seems like a killer for a marriage. I feel lucky that I can ride & just about afford a horse now having spent years not being able to physically do it.

Part of the problem may be his previous relationship where I think he was taken for granted by someone who had horses, and worked more and more PT the longer she was with him . .but he used to help out a lot more with her horses, he's only met mine about 3 times! Don't really get that. I try to do all my horse stuff weekdays so I'm around evenings and weekends to see him.
 
I think he is a little unreasonable if you do all his chores etc.

I used to work but I was made redundant when pregnant so he agreed that I didn't have to look for other work as with two children and all of his paperwork for his work to get through, our family unit would run more smoothly if i was at home.

As such I contribute nothing, I don't claim benefits cos I don't want them, we get working tax credits and his wages. I have a horse that he bought me and two ponies for the girls which he pays for. I do have to do his admin work and if I don't get the housework done he can get a bit mardy but the way I see it, I get to see my children and play ponies so I don't mind :)

To start with when we made this arrangement I struggled and when the baby was born he didn't get why I didn't get it all done. All I can suggest is you sit down calmly and ask what his expectations are compared with what you are able to do without making yourself ill, remind him you are his wife not employee and you do it because you love him but everyone deserves a release/hobby of some sort xx
 
amymay said:
I guess that's his point he is using half of his income on household costs - rather than the OP putting anything in regularly, but still paying for a horse(s)....
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Yes, I see your point.

I suppose from my point of view almost ALL my income goes on to household costs :-( so I would feel lucky if I had half my salary spare!!!
 
Good luck with your conversation, make time for it and don't do it when either of you are tired or rushing out to do something else. I work full time and for the last 10 months my husband has been off work looking after our son, I earn more than he does so it would be daft for me to stay at home! My OH therefore does most of the chorse in the house, including looking after my ponies (kept at home) in the week - easy in the summer but lots of work in the winter (as we all know!)
We regularly have the debate as he gets tired of 'looking after my horses for me' and I get tired of paying for everything and still spending the weekends cleaning the house and doing washing. A good chat over a nice meal and we soon both realise we're on to a good thing and are happy again!
 
It sounds, rightly or wrongly, that he is building up a bit of resentment over the whole part time working / riding horse / unequal money thing.

Probably worth opening the can of worms now, and battling it out in the open so you can both move forwards a bit more positively?
 
If I'm entirely honest, I do think if one partner works ft & the other doesn't then the one at home should do the vast majority of the housework. Unless you live in a 10 bed mansion, smooth running of a household isn't that difficult. Most of us manage it on top of a ft job, however if I was supporting a partner at home all day, I wouldn't expect to come home to my share of home duties. Likewise if one only works a few hours. Nothing to do with income, just who works least hours. When my bf lost his job when we lived together, for a couple of months he had no fixed income. A weeks work here, two shifts there etc, some weeks nothing. Days he worked only a few hours, or none, he did the house duties. Whereas before & after that period he worked longer hours than me so I did most. The financial side is tricky though, because marriage is for better or worse, so provided your horse doesn't stop his hobbies, then imo its not an issue.
 
I believe you need to separate these two issues.

a. Him not doing enough around the house to help you.

b. You supporting your (and we all know it!!) very expensive hobby/sport.

I agree with what others have said - you are married and it is a partnership but perhaps you donating a bit more money when you do manage to work would make him happier?
 
Don't you think it would be reasonable for you to contribute at least something towards your household bills, the mortgage etc? I suppose from his point of view you have 100% of your income to spend on yourself and your hobby. I have a low income but make it a matter of principle that I contribute something each month towards our joint living expenses.
Who does what around the house is always a tricky one. It's normally about a bigger picture including who takes responsibility for DIY, the garden, fixing cars etc. I guess in your situation I'd count myself pretty lucky that I didn't need to worry about the bills, and could have a horse. If that meant I made a bit of a special effort on the domestic front I'd do it. One of my sidelines is cleaning, which means I am rubbish at cleaning our house! However, I know that a 30 minute wizz round with the vac and throwing junk into tidier piles and cupboards can completely transform the place. If you've got a cleaner coming in for a couple of hours a week anyway then would it be that much of a chore?
Before anyone jumps on me - I'm not saying that the woman has to be the drudge. I'm saying that if you can't afford to contribute to the roof over your head financially, it might be reasonable to do it physically.
 
Are his comments just a recent thing? Work can get very frustrating sometimes - perhaps he is stressed at work and everything seems a bit much at the moment

Unless things get nasty and personal I would keep things light and sit down with him to explain that you do xyz and these things dont just happen. Point out that your horse is your outlet for your own times of stress and when you are low from your illness. Maybe gently ask if there are problems with his work and indicate that perhaps his problem with the way you spend your time is not actually your fault

Marriage IS a partnership and one person shouldnt feel devalued by the other

If it all came down to financial contribution my hubby would be out on the doorstep with a suitcase!
 
Don't you think it would be reasonable for you to contribute at least something towards your household bills, the mortgage etc? I suppose from his point of view you have 100% of your income to spend on yourself and your hobby
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That would be my view.
 
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Agree, I have no problem with doing most of the housework because I am not FT, would just like him to do a few things so it feels like a partnership, iyswim? And enjoy the horse time that I pay for without feeling guilty.

I suppose some would say I should not have horses/ride/teach and instead put that time into working more hours. After having spent nearly 8 years of my life too ill to work or ride, tbh I'm pretty resistant to that - horses are the only thing I do, I don't want clothes, dinners out, holidays etc, pretty cheap date really!
 
And... to be fair... if you can find the energy to do horse things then you probably could stretch out 10 minutes extra in the house a day.
I had a spell of about a year when I was a working student and only earned enough to pay for my horses. Husband paid for everything else. So during that time I just made sure that when he came in from work, the little things were done that I knew I would have liked. The hallway looking good, clutter sorted (maybe still there, but tidied up a bit!) and I sorted out the evening meal. It was just a quiet way of showing him that I appreciated the support.
To be honest, I wouldn't feel comfortable in myself if I was paying to support a horse, but not contributing to mortgage and bills.
 
nightcap3 said:
Agree, I have no problem with doing most of the housework because I am not FT, would just like him to do a few things so it feels like a partnership, iyswim? And enjoy the horse time that I pay for without feeling guilty.

I suppose some would say I should not have horses/ride/teach and instead put that time into working more hours. After having spent nearly 8 years of my life too ill to work or ride, tbh I'm pretty resistant to that - horses are the only thing I do, I don't want clothes, dinners out, holidays etc, pretty cheap date really!
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Don't you think you should be contributing something to your keep?
 
Imagine if the roles were reversed Imagine if it was

I work full time in a stressful job and my money pays for the bills in the house. My husband doesn't work and is at home all day. He is complaining that he has to do the housework. We even got a cleaner in and a person to do the ironing, but he still claims he is too tired and feels resentful. However, he isn't too tired to do his strenuous hobby though. He DOES work part-time, but the money for that goes to his car racing hobby.

Then everyone would be moaning about the man being useless and needing to step up a bit!

If one partner works fulltime and bring in the cash, then I would definitely expect the partner at home to cover housework etc. If you are working part time at stages then he should pull his weight for those times.

You mentioned him doing the housework would make it feel more like a 'partnership' but that doesn't make sense. He is already acting like a partner by working so he can fund your living and put you in a position where your spare cash can fund your hobby. And you are not a 'cheap date' to him, a cheaper date for him would be to have a wife who is contributing an equal amount!
 
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This is an alternative way of looking at it. Your OH seems to be thinking that horses take up all your energy meaning you have less energy for work (paid employment or house chores). And that he has to pay for the horse when you're not working. I think this sucks and is a very bad attitude.

A lot of people see money as power and power goes to some people's head. How would he like it if he was the ill one and the first expenses to go (with his reduced wages) was all his hobbies? And so he sits around all day with nothing to do but chores (and feeling ill)? I'm thinking he wouldn't consider it to be much quality of life. But its ok if its you?! I think not.

It's convenient to say you're tired because of the horse. As you point out, it would be equally as true to say you could manage the horse fine but are too tired to do chores... He doesn't do chores... You're not at home because you're lazy. You're at home, not working or only working part time, because you're ill. So you don't have 8hrs (work day hours) to do chores instead, because you're already busy, busy coping with being ill! I think perhaps he is forgetting this. (Actually I don't, I think he's being a ***, but I'm trying to be nice).

I'm thinking with your wages you could cope with the horse financially and physically, if he paid for a cleaner/housekeeper so you had no chores to do, meaning you could do a little more paid employment at times with that spare energy. Have you added up how many hours per week you spend on house chores? It would put you and him in the same position, eg he works and doesn't do chores / you're ill (sometimes working) and don't do chores.

Yes, he should pay for all the chores to be done IMO, because the reason you have no income at all when out of work (ie. no welfare benefits) is because of his income. Basically, the government is saying you're in it together and he should pay for you if you can't work. If he disagrees, apart from this making him rather uncaring towards you (IMO), would he prefer it if you got divorced and lived separately so you could claim benefit when too ill to work, meaning he didn't have to support you financially?! Seems to me he wants to have it both ways. As you mentioned, you're his wife not his unpaid housekeeper. I think you should insist on being treated as a wife. For better, for worse, in sickness and health, and all that.

I would reassess the 50/50 split earnings when you're working too. 50% of a tonne of money leaves half a tonne of money for him, 50% of not-a-lot leaves not a lot for you. I know you're not on minimum wage, but still, I think he has the better end of the deal. This is why I think you should maybe have a housekeeper for the chores which he pays for, so its not quite 50/50. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a house share.
 
My OH's arguement (which I think is pretty reasonable) is that if I work 60 hours Mon to Fri, yes it's tough but I then get (most of the time!) two days off.
If he does all household stuff, inc. our animals, smallholding DIY, cooking and looking after our son - when does he get any time off? Yes his day is not as long or busy as mine but he's doing it 365 days a year vs. my 240 days a year.
I therefore do my 'share' at weekends - I do moan about it my only tongue in cheek!
Everyones idea of compromise is different and only you and your OH can work out what you are both happy with. I agree with earlier comment that it would be better to get this all out in the open and talked about rather than leaving it to build up even more.
 
Tinypony said:
Don't you think it would be reasonable for you to contribute at least something towards your household bills, the mortgage etc? I suppose from his point of view you have 100% of your income to spend on yourself and your hobby..
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I do put at least half of what I earn from professional work in the bills account when I'm earning, was about £12k last year. If I've only got teaching work it's only just enough to run my car etc though I do pay for top-up shops, ironing etc out of that.


I do try to go the extra mile in the house too, virtually all meals are home cooked, keep the place tidy and looking nice, buy him little treats he likes, cups of tea in bed & make breakfast in morning etc. Am not sitting at home watching TV!

He is quite stressed at work at the moment, perhaps that is part of it. Good point.
 
paddi22 said:
Imagine if the roles were reversed Imagine if it was

I work full time in a stressful job and my money pays for the bills in the house. My husband doesn't work and is at home all day. He is complaining that he has to do the housework. We even got a cleaner in and a person to do the ironing, but he still claims he is too tired and feels resentful. However, he isn't too tired to do his strenuous hobby though. He DOES work part-time, but the money for that goes to his car racing hobby.

Then everyone would be moaning about the man being useless and needing to step up a bit!
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That is a good (and hard hitting) way of thinking of it.

Although factually, I do work when I can get work (currently I am doing 1-2 days a week), and am happy to do most of the housework, and anything over £60/week that I make, at least half goes in the bills account, only what's left goes into my hobby (even if it goes on visa until my next work project!)

Thanks though, it's a good way to see his point of view.
 
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