OH v horses - help please

I really despise this. Why is it usually men with this one upmanship crap? And I say this being married for 12 years. My husband tries to pull this crap now and again. And funny enough we have a business together doing horses. But things were extremely difficult when I moved to Ireland with him. This was a wakeup call let me tell you. We were together before moving here. I more money over than him I might add too. I went from financially independent on myself to having deal with a whole new situation. And all the sudden he was treating me like an Irish woman from the 1950's. Of course when were back in the States I never saw any of this. I did what I want when I wanted. Now all the sudden he's on about my jobs with regards to housework and my entire support system of family and friend's were gone. So I put up with things until one day I just flipped. Let's just say things got a little better. Now and again he needs a reminder. I'm not saying this to be a cow, I'm just not going to be treated like a lesser citizen because I lack male anatomy. I pull my weight and don't need put in my place. He's free to do as he pleases. He has no requirements from me and I don't need to put him in his place unless he's trying to put me in one. We both work hard. I mean really he is a great husband but I tell him if he wants a little housewife he can go marry one. The downside is he will have to start paying another rider/barnworker. Sorry I don't need to prove myself by doing more than any man to be considered a good woman!

Like I say, if Mr. EI wants to head off to the pub with the lads, he doesn't need to ask permission. He doesn't need to worry about the chores that need done here. I just drop him off and tell him I'll pick him up when he needs me. He does motorbikes too and that takes him away from what we do here. No big deal. But sometimes he likes to make me feel like I'm eating bon bon's in bed all day while he does everything. As if.

Terri
 
I also have a long term illness but am unable to work. I was fortunate enough to have an income protection policy but this only pays 75% of my last salary. Prior to becoming ill I covered my share of bills and all my horses costs but that's not possible anymore so my OH helps out. We also have a cleaner twice a week and as I have quite a lot of bad days my OH has to help out with laundry, shopping and cooking when I am too ill. The only one he moans about is the shopping but when I'm on high doses of morphine I can't drive so he has to do it.
It's very hard on couples both financially and with household chores etc when one person is ill. I feel terribly guilty when I've lain in bed all day and OH has been working hard and then he has to come home and shop and cook for us especially when I've used up all my energy to check the horses.
I have to remind myself that I didn't ask to be ill and would much prefer to be at work ft and not so reliant on him but I do still feel guilty and find it hard to ask him for help. Equally he didn't ask for this life either and he hates seeing me in constant pain but he has always encouraged me to keep the horses. I did have them on part livery when I was working but they now live out 24/7. Is it possible you could turn your horse out so on bad days you have less to do and it would also cost less? Assuming that they are not already out 24/7.
I found some good websites re living in constant pain or long term illness which helped me explain to my OH and other family how it feels to have a chronic illness and I've also learned to see it from his side. You are not spoilt or unreasonable just trying to deal with your illness and in need of financial and physical support of your partner.
 
Why do you put only half your earnings towards bills?

is it because he does the same, despite, I presume, it meaning he pays a significantly larger amount.
 
This splitting money thing is odd to me. I don't contribute any money to our household because nobody pays me for being a full time mother to three children and a single mother during the week while my husband works away. I have three horses on diy. I'm run off my feet and permanently exhausted so hoovering isn't high on my agenda. Without my horses I would be almost a prisoner in my own home. But I do everything. He brings home the bacon and I do pretty much everything else. He's a wonderful father and it pains him to be away from us but never, ever would he belittle me or criticise me for failing to basically be the unpaid help. But you don't say if you have kids and for me that would be where the difference lies.

I absolutely see your point and I understand how you feel because I get the same sneering criticism from my childless sister who has someone else to-do her cleaning and ironing! You can't contribute what you don't have but if you are well enough to devote time and energy to your horse then I can see a bit of you ohs point. But I totallyunderstand how important your horse and the life are to you. I'm lucky my husband will happily join in with our lot. Maybe the fact it's not a hobby you can share is the problem? Maybe he's a bit jealous and he's battering you over the head with the lack of dusting rather than just telling you?
 
Does he have any hobbies of his own?

Can't complain about my OH he not only works very long hours he comes home and cooks does the washing up and our son's bedtime routine (bath, bed and story). I do the rest of the household chores, dogs and obviously child care.

Money wise I don't think it is ever even in whats contributed even if you do both split everything down the middle there are always top up items that don't get accounted for.

Are you out doing the horses when he comes home from work?? I used to be off out a lot when I was competing with the dogs sometimes for weekends or weeks at a time without so much as a 'Im off see you blah blah..' I know he hates coming home to an empty house... was lonely and after a hard day really just wanted some company and a chance to spend some time with me.
 
I agree with Sugar and Spice and this isn't a cold a business transaction it's a marriage to someone you are supposed to love and care about. Why wouldn't you want them to be happy?

I think it would be a pretty hard and miserable existence if the OP didn't have something for herself that brings her happiness and joy - as was said in the bible "man cannot live on bread alone".

I just wonder if there aren't deeper issues here that needs to be discussed with your OH about why he has started to feel this way? What would happen if you didn't have a horse - how would that make him happier? Would he be happier if you were unhappy? If you got an amazing job with loads of money and gave half would he actually feel any differently? Do you give him the attention he needs to feel loved and valued?

Anyhow I'm no relationship expert hence I'm single :D but TBH I've seen so many friends with OH resentful of the horse regardless of the financial split that I just wonder whether it's more of a jealousy thing in many circumstances rather than financial.

Hope you can get it sorted :)
 
I put as much into joint account as OH even though he earns 50% more than me. But... the mortgage is a couple of hundred more a month due to land for horses being on it, even though that land will be pension for us both so in reality my livery is paid for out of joint account (oops I won't let him read it like that !).

I work from home plus visit clients - if I am home during day I make sure all housework is up together and cook meal for him when he gets home - I even make sure the front door is unlocked ready for him ! why ! because he has a stressful job which he has to travel to each day and I know the little things make a it a bit easier for him when he gets home. In return he is very generous - he pays for all treats - meals out, holidays etc as he knows all my spare cash goes on the nags. Business has not been as good as in past years and he did offer for me to reduce the amount i pay into joint account each month but i opted to keep putting in the same and asked him if we could afford it for him to save the extra in another account in case I as short when my tax bill was due (shouldnt need it but nice to know its there).

This works for us both (no kids) and there is no resentment but everyone is different. OP - I would talk about it over a nice meal after a few glasses of wine and hopefully you should be able to resolve the problem.
 
Tinypony said:
Don't you think you should be contributing something to your keep?
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Just to be clear - when I have professional work at least 50% of my take home pay goes to the joint account. When I don't I pay for some shops etc out of my teaching money. I shop carefully to make the most of the money we have when I'm not able to contribute much, usually buy special offers, get best deals for utilities etc, so at least I feel like I'm contributing a bit that way.

When I am working 2-3 days a week, like last year, we earn about the same, but I still do most of the housework etc.

He spends his money (plus racked up massive visa bill . . ) on cars, that's his hobby & his money so fair enough.

Horse is already on 24/7 assisted grass livery for under £200/month, I could cut the cost of that by maybe £100/month by just having a field, but would spend more time going to check and feed horse which wouldn't be popular, at the moment that's included. I try to make sure he never comes back to an empty house and always check with him on the rare occasions I want to do something horsey at the weekend.

I feel like I'm doing everything reasonable other than giving up the horse, who I got cheap and keep on a shoestring.
 
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You do need to come to a compromise or it will fester and get worse. I cannot comment on your long term illness as that is a separate area but I used to be self employed and actually only really worked 3 days per week of revenue generating work. During this time I would not have expected my full time working OH to be doing household chores such as housework, laundry, ironing etc because I was only part time. We have no cleaner or laundry person either - if we did I would certainly not be grumbling about 'doing the rest'!

I think the wages thing is a bit irrelevant if you are both full time because there will never be a perfect match with different jobs, skills etc. Part time is different in my books.

We put both our salaries in the same pot - every penny of it and everything gets paid and used from there, so it does not cause that friction of who is earning how much.
I work full time now rather than self employed and have for a few years but I also work a few part time jobs in the evenings, which more or less pays for my horse...so there is no issue of the horse being a luxury in the relationship.

I do feel that if you have a cleaner and some element of help with laundry, there is not a huge amount to grumble about if you are part time working...?

I wish you well in your compromise though, it is tricky as horses are not the cheapest option of hobby.
 
nightcap3 said:
When I'm doing prof work I put half of my take home in there too (can be £400/day - but sporadic).

We each pay for our own cars, mobiles, hobbies etc. Bills account pays for cleaner 2 hours/week and for OH's ironing to get done once a month. I do the cooking, shopping, rest of cleaning, laundry, dog walking, gardening, general chores, pay bills etc.
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Why is everyone jumping on the OP for not stepping up and not contributing towards bills... it sounds to me like she does her fair share :confused:
She has also said her horse is on assisted livery so she can get help if she is tired/ill so doesn't go every day.

I do think you need to talk to your OH OP though.
 
My husband and I made the decision that I would give up work when we had kids although I gave up just before the first child was concieved so we could get used to the drop in money. We did go through a period where hubby was a little bitter and did feel like I had a free and easy life looking aft babies 19 months apart and a horse and running a house and he felt I should get an evening job but we listened to this preach (we are christians) about how when adam and eve ate the apple, the consequence of that was that god said the men should toil the land and the women should have pain in child birth (that wasnt all of it but just a small portion) and it really changed his outlook on putting that pressure on me and has said nothing about it since.

I find the whole idea of splitting the money up abit weird and it often takes me back when married couples say that that is how it works. You suppose to be a partnership and the partnership is suppose to be built on trust but having their own money in their own bank accounts and their own bills to pay is not trusting at all. I almost feel that its like 'Im going to keep my money separate just in case'. I believe there is quite a selfish mentality in relationships these days and even when I say to my friends that I make my husbands sandwiches each day, they rant at me for it. Its such a horrible frame of mind to be in. He works, I dont so why shouldnt I make his meals and clean his clothes and run him a bath if he fanicies one. In return he loves me as best as he can by paying for my every need including a horse, listening to me when he couldn't care less about what hoof boots I am planning to buy horsey and he protects and looks out for me and our children. Its a two way thing. I know I am spoilt but he does also and as long as we verbalise our thankfulness to each other then it works for us.

I understand how exhausted you must be and it doesnt help if you are ill aas that drains you but I also understand that to not have a horse in your life would be a killer. My horse was my saving grace during the toddler years of my boys life. It was like a refuge where there was no pressure from anyone or anything. When I was absolutely shattered I did pay a friend to turn her out and muck her out for me? Is that an option? Also do you have any friends that come over to see you? If so then why not ask them to do a little bit of folding clothes while you chat. I know some people might feel bad asking that but if they are your friend and you explain that you arent coping then theyd be happy to help.

I also agree with what someone said about jealousy. Men do get jealous when they see you giving affection to something other than them sometimes.
 
LynH said:
I also have a long term illness but am unable to work. I was fortunate enough to have an income protection policy but this only pays 75% of my last salary. Prior to becoming ill I covered my share of bills and all my horses costs but that's not possible anymore so my OH helps out. We also have a cleaner twice a week and as I have quite a lot of bad days my OH has to help out with laundry, shopping and cooking when I am too ill. The only one he moans about is the shopping but when I'm on high doses of morphine I can't drive so he has to do it.
It's very hard on couples both financially and with household chores etc when one person is ill. I feel terribly guilty when I've lain in bed all day and OH has been working hard and then he has to come home and shop and cook for us especially when I've used up all my energy to check the horses.
I have to remind myself that I didn't ask to be ill and would much prefer to be at work ft and not so reliant on him but I do still feel guilty and find it hard to ask him for help. Equally he didn't ask for this life either and he hates seeing me in constant pain but he has always encouraged me to keep the horses. I did have them on part livery when I was working but they now live out 24/7. Is it possible you could turn your horse out so on bad days you have less to do and it would also cost less? Assuming that they are not already out 24/7.
I found some good websites re living in constant pain or long term illness which helped me explain to my OH and other family how it feels to have a chronic illness and I've also learned to see it from his side. You are not spoilt or unreasonable just trying to deal with your illness and in need of financial and physical support of your partner.
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Can't you shop online? It's a whole lot easier than shopping after work :)
 
I agree with the poster who said this is a marriage we are talking about and not a business transaction. It should be about love and you both doing whatever you can to share a happy existence together not about who contributes what financially.

I agree that you need to sit down and chat it through but perhaps before that, you both need to sit down and write down what you each personally contribute to the relationship / household - you putting the household chores into a financial context might help him understand (so X number of hours cooking, cleaning, laundry etc at £x an hour = £x per week) so that you can essentially compare notes. try not to write down about what you feel the other contributes as this might provoke an argument. but if he says 'I work x number of hours and bring home £x each month' you can say 'well This last month I have worked X hours in paid employment, bought home £x amount of money and then done X hours housekeeping, which, if we were paying a house keeper would cost £x per hour and so £x per month so I have actually contributed £xxx to the household.'

I think it is very rare to find a couple whereby both parties earn the same amount or work the same number of hours but it is meant to be a partnership, not a competition so it shouldn't matter...
 
From day one of us living together and subsequently marrying (over twenty years ago) we have put all our money into one pot.

My husband has always earnt more than me but that makes absolutely no difference to our combined outgoings.

Why don't you put all into one pot, pay out everything that requires paying, the shared essentials I mean, keeping horse separate. Whatever is left over is a bonus. Let him do his thing, you do yours and see how things pan out. Surely he cannot begrudge you some pleasure. I do a bit of Avon, not on a grand scale, but it pays for a few bales of hay or a treat for us both and it shows my having the luxury of having a horse is not taken for granted.

Could it be more than just the money issue? Men usually want three things in life, a tidy home, a cooked meal and a bit of 'jiggy time' with their partner. Keep these things going and usually they are content. Money issues may become insignificant in an otherwise fruitful and happy relationship, unless he is a selfish person who would be better off being single.
 
nightcap3 said:
So am I being ungrateful and spoilt or should I stand up to him more? I don't hate him so no severe man-bashing please, I am just trying to figure out what is reasonable.
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Find this telling- if all was well with your relationship wouldn't you have said "I love him" rather than "I don't hate him"

nightcap3 said:
We each pay for our own cars, mobiles, hobbies etc. Bills account pays for cleaner 2 hours/week and for OH's ironing to get done once a month. I do the cooking, shopping, rest of cleaning, laundry, dog walking, gardening, general chores, pay bills etc. OH doesn't have any specific chores though will do the odd thing if asked (somewhat grudgingly and in his own time!).

OH seems to feel like I am living off him and not contributing enough financially, although we live on less than he did before we married. I feel that he ought to make some effort around the house as we are in a relationship and I'm not an unpaid housekeeper
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To be fair it seems reasonable that you do the household chores if you aren't working and he is, but he needs to acknowledge that you are doing this and not "living off him".

nightcap3 said:
He just thinks I should give something up so that i'm not so tired, ie riding (strangely enough not laundry!!) When I'm too ill to work I basically have to live off him as his salary is high enough that I can't get benefits.
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You both need to have balance, if you are having a bad week then maybe increase your cleaner by a couple of hours, then when you are having a good week tell her you don't need her that week. Make sure you don't use all your energy on the horse when you aren't feeling well, possibly advertise for a sharer to help - this will show hubby that you are listening - you don't have to find one !

However if you don't nip the resentment in the bud you will end up in a point scoring exercise and neither of you will win.

Good Luck
 
I am lucky, my OH and I have the same job, so work roughly same hours and earn the same. Although I do more over time so earn more that way.

We don't pool our money as I think that would lead to resentment. I spend significantly more than he ever does!
 
Equilibrium Ireland said:
I really despise this. Why is it usually men with this one upmanship crap? And I say this being married for 12 years. My husband tries to pull this crap now and again. And funny enough we have a business together doing horses. But things were extremely difficult when I moved to Ireland with him. This was a wakeup call let me tell you. We were together before moving here. I more money over than him I might add too. I went from financially independent on myself to having deal with a whole new situation. And all the sudden he was treating me like an Irish woman from the 1950's. Of course when were back in the States I never saw any of this. I did what I want when I wanted. Now all the sudden he's on about my jobs with regards to housework and my entire support system of family and friend's were gone. So I put up with things until one day I just flipped. Let's just say things got a little better. Now and again he needs a reminder. I'm not saying this to be a cow, I'm just not going to be treated like a lesser citizen because I lack male anatomy. I pull my weight and don't need put in my place. He's free to do as he pleases. He has no requirements from me and I don't need to put him in his place unless he's trying to put me in one. We both work hard. I mean really he is a great husband but I tell him if he wants a little housewife he can go marry one. The downside is he will have to start paying another rider/barnworker. Sorry I don't need to prove myself by doing more than any man to be considered a good woman!

Like I say, if Mr. EI wants to head off to the pub with the lads, he doesn't need to ask permission. He doesn't need to worry about the chores that need done here. I just drop him off and tell him I'll pick him up when he needs me. He does motorbikes too and that takes him away from what we do here. No big deal. But sometimes he likes to make me feel like I'm eating bon bon's in bed all day while he does everything. As if.

Terri
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Couldn't have put it better myself. I think its a bit like training a dog. Trouble is by nature we are all people pleasers. My OH also pulls this crap sometimes and I have also done the 'flipping out' bit. At one stage I even went to a lawyer, got the house valued and he got a letter saying I would accept a 50/50 divorce - still have this which I produce when I need to.

That makes me sound like a bitch - I'm not but neither was I prepared to live like that. Basically my OH was very keen for me to have horses, just hated it when I spent any time with them. It's taken about 7 years but now he understands (with occasional reminders) that as long as I can do my horses first at the weekend, or go out all day to a show etc then I will be much better company. In the evenings after work in the winter I ride both twice a week (last night he cooked which is rare). All my horsey friends think he is hilarious as he does laugh at himself and his jealousy (My gelding IS more handsome than him) and discusses his place in the pecking order with the dog! Sit down, discuss this and be firm but fair.
 
Obviously don't need to know any details of your illness so may be way of base but does he feel that your horse is taking too much of your energy and time when you are well and in some way contributing to your ill health?

Another one with only an ex so not a relationship expert but in my experience most men like to be number one in their partners lives so if he feels he is sharing you too much with your horse, coupled with a stressful job is that why he is starting to make his resentment felt?
 
Am I reading this right OP? You pay £12k a year into the household bills. You OH pays half his take home but feels that you are not contributing enough. The implication is that half his take home amounts to considerably more than £12k per year. Assuming this is right (my apologies if I have misunderstood), we are looking at a man who has somewhere north of £12k a year to spend on his own leisure pursuits but still expects his wife, who is in poor health,to do more around the house/ earn more? My own opinion is that he needs to understand that he is doing very nicely, thank you, and quit whining about what you can and can't do.
 
blackandwhite said:
This splitting money thing is odd to me. I don't contribute any money to our household because nobody pays me for being a full time mother to three children and a single mother during the week while my husband works away. I have three horses on diy. I'm run off my feet and permanently exhausted so hoovering isn't high on my agenda. Without my horses I would be almost a prisoner in my own home. But I do everything. He brings home the bacon and I do pretty much everything else. He's a wonderful father and it pains him to be away from us but never, ever would he belittle me or criticise me for failing to basically be the unpaid help. But you don't say if you have kids and for me that would be where the difference lies.

I absolutely see your point and I understand how you feel because I get the same sneering criticism from my childless sister who has someone else to-do her cleaning and ironing! You can't contribute what you don't have but if you are well enough to devote time and energy to your horse then I can see a bit of you ohs point. But I totallyunderstand how important your horse and the life are to you. I'm lucky my husband will happily join in with our lot. Maybe the fact it's not a hobby you can share is the problem? Maybe he's a bit jealous and he's battering you over the head with the lack of dusting rather than just telling you?
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I'm same , no one pays me to look after our children. Yes I have one horse on part livery but petrol cost of going there and back twice a day is the same as having someone help me out and I get to be with our children.

Is there no way to put all money into one account and use it as needed ? What would happen if you decided to have children, how would he expect for you to cover "your" costs ?

I feel marriage is about give and take..... He gives, the kids and I take.... No seriously he earns the money and works away, the kids and I battle to keep on top of everything and when he is home the only thing I ask him to do is cut the grass, DIY and ironing, the rest I happily wait on him hand and foot. So what if the lampshade has a bit of dust , it will still be there tomo :p

My oh gives me "oh all the bloody horse" rubbish, he was the idiot who said yes you can have one, and another one and another one , sell two buy another one my dear. He is jealous and I just ignore it.
 
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What you need to do is get to the root of the problem, the why does he feel like that. What people say is the problem and what actually is the problem can often be two different things.

I live my life by the principle of 'Why', why do it if it isn't fun, why am I unhappy with something, why am I happy with something, why is my OH unhappy (i.e. not 'What has she complained about?' but 'Why is she complaining?')

If you can get to the root of the complaint you can fix it.
 
I think there's something else going on. I don't think it's the money, or proportion of money, each are putting into the household that is really the problem. Usually is all is well within other aspects of relationships, and there is enough money to go round then a lot of other little things are a non-event and not worth discussing or getting in a tizzy over.
 
Ok call me old fashioned but when did married couples start treating it like a business? I grew up in a family where dad worked ft and mum had a pt job once us kids went to school. They didnt have his and hers bank accounts and worry about who was paying the most in!!
 
My oh is off with long term health issues and I would never consider being petty about paying to keep his car. He pays what he's able and I pay rest - simples. I'd sit him down and explain how you feel
 
I've been with my OH 16 years, had horses for 9 of those and we still have this argument, sorry discussion regularly.

He brings it up mostly when he's stressed, or feeling unloved (often related to the stress). I tend to point out that he used to moan that I didn't do anything when he was off mountain biking and it's only now because he doesn't do any sporting hobbies that he feels abandoned.

Money wise, we've always split our money proportionally, when I earned more I paid more and now it's reversed.
 
I would sit down and work out the number of hours spent each week on managing the household - you are contributing but it is in an indirect manner financially.

If you charged an hourly rate for the household duties how would that equate to the overall household finances?

I don't know your situation together but I would be asking why this is an issue to him and see if there is some underlying concern that you both need to work on together.
 
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Over the course of a year how do the finances average out?

If he is doing masses more hours and contributing a lot more money then I think it's fair you do the household chores I'm afraid. Especially if you have a cleaner 2 hours a week and the ironing done. If there is only 2 of you in the house how many chores are there to do over that anyway?

It's a sore point for me as I have been the sole earner for 5years and now my oh has a job which pays more than I earn and still doesn't want to contribute or do any chores, well I want to put him in a hole frankly :o:D
 
I don't get all this 'his and her's' stuff with money...

When I went through 2 years of college, 3 years at uni then low wage for teacher-training, I must have been a leech! There was no mention of 'what I should be doing' or contributing!

Now I'm working full-time, the money goes into one bank account, and when OH retires in 4 years, I'm not gonna be nagging at him because he's not putting what he should be putting into the tin....

Good grief....
 
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