OMG! What a Moron

[piebaldsparkle]

Nick is really funny - I even posted a bit on his site last time this was posted.

 

[oofadoofa]

My theory is that he was once married to a horsey bird. How else would he know so much about horses and it would explain why he dislikes horsey people so much!!!

 

[Fantasy_World]

I am reading other posts on that thread and my god I am crying with laughter, there are some very witty people on that particular thread

 

[Annagain]

I think he has a point as well, and it is funny. but I am neither 'horsey woman' or 'horsey mum' any more than he is some 35 year-old sad git with no life who lives with his parents and sits in his pants all day playing games meant for 12 year olds. Stereotyping can be a dangerous thing.

Getting annoyed at it is pointless. After all we're none the worse off for his rant are we? We'll carry on doing what we think is best and he'll carry on getting annoyed about it. I know which postition I'd rather be in!

 

[xnaughtybutnicex]

PMSL, thought it was quite funny myself.... particularly how he can stereotype 'horsey women' into 2 categories - theres the 'horsey mum' that can't drive and doesn't maintain the horsebox and the 'bored housewife' that's living her dream through her children.

Well, I know a few that fit into these categories but Nick was wrong about most the people I know.

Heres how it really goes...

Were not posh - we spend most of our time shovelling horse sh*t, grooming ponies, picking the sh*t out of the field, riding, cleaning tack ect. You don't see the posh getting that dirty. Also, most of us don't even clean our jodphurs daily LOL.

Were not rich - BECAUSE we own horses - who has the money left after spending it on ..... livery, new saddle(the old one doesn't fit), vets bills, new rugs... the pony ripped his in the field, little sod.. feed for the horse, getting the horses teeth done, having the 'back man' give him a 'massage'... pah, how would you possibly have any money left for fake tan and getting your hair done.

And as for women not being able to drive... well he sounds like just another egotistical male that THINKS he can do everything better.... and if were going to stereotype then the guy should know... women are better at everything and that includes D.I.Y, multi tasking, cooking, cleaning AND driving - actually were 'driving so slow' because we stick to the speed limit.

My rant over... men, who needs 'em.

 

[Stacie_and_Jed]

Does any one fancy copy and pasting it for me? That site is one of many that are blocked on my work computor.

 

[xnaughtybutnicex]

Here you go:


Now, for those of you whose idea if weekend fun is watching 2 ½ tons of fine French cuisine leaping over low fences, I’d stop reading right now as I’m about to go off on a proper rant… so I suggest you take you saddle soap and bugger off cos I’m gonna blow!

Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about horseboxes, the people who drive them, the things they transport IN them and the attitude of everyone who has anything to do with them.

Quite simply, I’ve had yet another Sunday errand take three times as long as it should because of some sodding event where everyone who has a covered trailer and pony that is nothing short of a four legged barrel roll up to block the bloody roads.

You see, a horse box to me is a something of a dichotomy… perhaps even an oxymoron.

You know how these events got started, be they cross country racing, dressage or show jumping?

The horse is a domestic animal because of what it can DO. We tamed and domesticated the modern horse because we needed an animal to pull our ploughs, pull our carts and transport either us or our loads on its back.

Then some bright spark got the idea of comparing whose horse was better at something… so he’d arrange a show and everyone in the local area would RIDE their horses to the show.

Spot the important word there? I put it in capitals…

So what have we got now? Now we’ve got some bloody woman with their petulant kid who’d rather be down McDonalds with her mates trolling up a country lane at precisely 4 mph in a horsebox that Noah decided was bit dodgy when he had to choose between a big boat or a convoy of cars.

Horseboxes are the dearth of the roads. Even tractors have to queue behind the damn things to overtake them!

And the worst thing is, the people driving the sodding horsebox seem to think that because they have a horse in the back, they should be given the same courtesy and respect they’d receive if they were actually RIDING the poor animal.

Even worse, they have the same utter disregard for even the simplest rules of the Highway Code, such as which side of the road to be on and who has to give way at a junction.

The problem stems from the fact that these horseboxes hit the road maybe three times in a year and sit neglected in the stable yard the rest of the time.

So once mother has prised Jessica away from texting her boyfriend and loaded her and ‘Snickers’ into the horsebox, she’s then faced with coaxing a machine that has been neither serviced or MOT’d since pre-World War One over 100 miles to some half-arsed event run by Borehamwood Pony Club.

By the time she gets there, at an average speed of 8 mph, the tailback she’s caused on the M1 and M10 has hit the lunchtime news, but she’s oblivious to this as she struggles not only with a gearbox that has the same amount of lubricant in it as a good cup of tea, but she’s lost too, and the ordinance survey map she brought along is of Salisbury Plain.

But she’s a ‘horsey type’ and therefore often views the world from a height of 8 off the ground and automatically deems everyone who couldn’t give a toss about horses as a)stupid, b)inferior and c)stupid. She Mr’s Horsey Woman will stop and ask a local for directions to Gray’s Farm.

The fact that she’s just stopped on a dual carriageway or on a roundabout or, and this is MY personal favourite, a two lane road opposite parked cars, is not important to horse bitch. What is important is that Jessica is sulking and Snickers is getting frisky, so asking anyone the way is far more important that just paying other road users a bit of civil bloody consideration.

But even more infuriating than this is when horse woman finally finds the field where the event is taking place. Now any right minded person would just drive on in, knowing full well that it’s a bloody field the other side of the hedge and there’s enough room to turn a Tornado jet-fighter at Mach 1 in there… it’s a bloody great field!

But no, horsey woman isn’t thinking like that. Despite the fact she’s driving something that she really should have an HGV license for, SHE’S going to reverse into the field.

Cue 45 minutes of cars backing up behind her as the first poor bastard though she was turning right when she in fact wanted to reverse left and was getting into position. This poor sod who has spent the last 25 minutes toiling along with his first gear cogs over-heating whilst his view was filled with horse’s arse thought he could nip down the inside only to find a flash of brake lights, a crackled beep of a reverse warning beeper and now he has a really close view of a horse’s bum through his side window.

Horsey woman can be seen heaving the steering wheel around like she’s working the tiller on the Cutty Sark and then, once she’s neatly blocked the road in both directions she’ll climb down from the cab and gesticulate to the poor sod about how he’s in her way.

Eventually the cars behind him will back up enough to let him get out of the way and then everyone will be treated to a master class of reversing a large lorry through a small gateway. When I say master class, I mean it’s forty minutes long… a full class length. Backwards and forwards, back wards and forwards until there’s blue smoke coming from the exhaust where the last piston rings have finally popped, white smoke coming from the clutch and steam spouting from the radiator…

And finally, horsey woman has managed to line up the bloody horsebox with the gate before deciding it’s too small.

So she hops out, has a word with the steward who points down the road and with a jolly smile that clock-tower snipers find irresistible, she climbs back in the cab and heads off to the clearly marked COMPETITOR’S ENTRANCE.

And that’s just the ones that have a derelict lorry hanging about… What about the bored housewives that have nothing to do all day but moan about how parking spaces for their soft-roaders are too small and isn’t Victoria Beckham looking thin?

These, to my mind, are the absolute scum of the earth. I can almost deal with horsey woman, you know where you are with her. You know that if you stay a good 100 yards back anything she does can be dealt with, but bored, rich horsey mum is worse. There should be a register for them and they should all be made to wear an electronic tag when they’re put so we can avoid them.

When the BMW, Audi or Toyota off-roader isn’t guzzling twenty gallons a minute on the school run to drop Yossidia, Francesca and Phillip off at school, she’s either parking the thing so badly it’s a ten minute walk to the kerb or she’s pulling a horse-box trailer, an offence that in my mind comes just below sex with a goat.

She’s worse than horsey woman because horsey mum has two things on her mind. First, she‘s living out the day-dream that her obnoxious, spoilt sprogs want what she couldn’t have when she was young and second, that by going to these events she somehow increases her social standing with the Rotarians and the PTA.

So she’ll load ‘Tisker’ and ‘Mitch’ into the horsebox after having dressed to look the part having crammed her orange-peel cellulite thighs into a set of jodhpurs that make her arse and thighs look like a sack of kicked in tomatoes… And let’s not forget that bulge of stomach peeping over the top… nice.

Next she’ll back the off roader up to the trailer and after 20 minutes she’ll give up trying to plug the electrics in because her husband, Terry, usually deals with all that stuff, and besides, he never told her that the grey socket is the electrics for a caravan fridge/freezer hook-up.

Terry, is the smart one. And I hate him for it.

I don’t hate Terry for his success. I don’t hate him for his money or his big house or the fact he can send his kids to private school. What I hate him for is his cunning.

You see, Terry has realised that his business acumen has landed him with a missus who spends his money like water and three petulant kids who sulk if they don’t get everything they want. In short, Terry has inadvertently nurtured a clutch of the most obnoxious people you’re likely to meet this side of an ASBO.

So what does Terry do? He spends most of the working week in the City, drinking his evenings away in expensive wine bars that used to be called NatWest and Barclays, but his weekends threatened to be filled with time with the foul four. So Terry gets his wife interested in horses, happily throwing £40,000 at a past time his wife thinks she’ll enjoy as she yearned to have a pony when she was 8. Of course, horsey mum thinks that both her girls will love it and so will Phillip, so she drags them off into her new hobby bankrolled by Terry who finds that £40,000 is a cheap price to pay for a weekend free from his revolting brood.

So why do I hate Terry? I hate him because he’s foisted his bloody family on to the road to get in my bloody way!

And what makes it worse is that unlike horsey woman, horsey mum is driving a vehicle that pivots in the middle… so you can double the length of time it takes HER to try and reverse into the gateway...

But at least she’s made good use of that 2.4 litre turbocharged engine in her school-run mobile because she’s flashed along the motorway at 80mph, horse trailer rocking wildly on its tiny 14” wheels with two terrified ponies only inches from becoming Pedigree Chum. So until she looses it and takes out two lanes of the M25 and most of the Armco, at least she doesn’t hold me up…

And the point of all this ranting?

Well, there isn’t much of one really, except to clear the anger from my system… But I do have a revenge plan, something to strike back at the very heart of the problem.

I’m sure you’ve all seen those stickers on the back of horsey type’s cars, the one’s that say “I slow down for horses”? You know, the ones that guilt trip you into not scream past at 40 mph with the stereo on full blast and horn blaring?

Well I’m getting a new sticker made it’s going to say “I slow down for horses but I run horse boxes off the road”

And I’m going to stick it on the back of my caravan before I go for a drive past every horse event in my area this weekend.

 

[chestnut cob]

[ QUOTE ]
Now I don't know as I don't drive a horsebox but doesn't your speed, in part, depend on how well your horse travels? Surely someone people with young/nervous horses will take it very steady so as not to make it a bad experience?
I agree tho that they could perhaps pull over to let traffic pass - it's the courteous thing to do

[/ QUOTE ]

No. You take it steady around corners and bends, so don't motorbike round bends and send the horse flying. Horse doesn't care once you're on straight roads. Mine isn't a good traveller yet after a 2.5 hour motorway journey (when I moved back home), he was fast asleep when we arrived at the yard. FWIW, I did 60mph all the way on the motorway.

The speed limits for trailers are slightly different to car speed limits (did my trailer test so had to learn them all). In a 70mph, your limit is 60. In a 60, yours is 50. Below that and it's the same for cars and trailers, so 50 in a 50, 40 in a 40 and so on. The DVLA examiner who did my towing test told me that they fail more people for driving too slowly in trailer tests than driving too quickly. They *expect* you to get up to speed asap and maintain the speed limit wherever possible as (he told me) they believe driving too slowly is inconsiderate to other road users, and causes other drivers to take potentially dangerous risks (over taking etc).

 

[Pedantic]

Cant be arsed to read it all, the guys obviously a total twat.

 

[NeilM]

You don't live, drive, ride or walk anywhere near a school then Rach

I will give school run mum's credit for multi tasking; they can talk on the phone, turn round and scream at the kids in the back, change the CD, brush their hair, touch up the make-up and talk to their mate in the passenger seat, all while driving their people carrier / BMW X series.

 

[joeanne]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Now I don't know as I don't drive a horsebox but doesn't your speed, in part, depend on how well your horse travels? Surely someone people with young/nervous horses will take it very steady so as not to make it a bad experience?
I agree tho that they could perhaps pull over to let traffic pass - it's the courteous thing to do

[/ QUOTE ]

None whatsoever...

its the WAY you drive....

[/ QUOTE ]

Indeed, even driving a very low speeds isnt going to make a neddy very happy if his "chauffeur" is constantly slamming on the brakes!

 

[Scribbles]

Gosh, some people have absolutely NO sense of humour, or common sense for that matter.

I've seen plenty of posts on here about 'horsey woman' and 'horsey mum' types.

It's brilliantly funny, if only there were more people who could see it like that!

 

[Fantasy_World]

Exactly Scribbles! I found it hilarious to read, still wearing a smile now

 

[xnaughtybutnicex]

[ QUOTE ]
You don't live, drive, ride or walk anywhere near a school then Rach

I will give school run mum's credit for multi tasking; they can talk on the phone, turn round and scream at the kids in the back, change the CD, brush their hair, touch up the make-up and talk to their mate in the passenger seat, all while driving their people carrier / BMW X series.

[/ QUOTE ]

PMSL

maybe it's where you live - maybe you live near Nick LOL alright some women a TERRIBLE drivers but not all of them - might I suggest you take up cycling instead, if the women drivers are that bad where you live - it might be quicker, it's better for the enviroment and a much healthier option than driving

 

[Mike007]

[ QUOTE ]
Cant be arsed to read it all, the guys obviously a total twat.

[/ QUOTE ]Actually I thought it was a rather good "tongue in Cheek " view of sunday horsebox drivers.

 

[NeilM]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You don't live, drive, ride or walk anywhere near a school then Rach

I will give school run mum's credit for multi tasking; they can talk on the phone, turn round and scream at the kids in the back, change the CD, brush their hair, touch up the make-up and talk to their mate in the passenger seat, all while driving their people carrier / BMW X series.

[/ QUOTE ]

PMSL

maybe it's where you live - maybe you live near Nick LOL alright some women a TERRIBLE drivers but not all of them - might I suggest you take up cycling instead, if the women drivers are that bad where you live - it might be quicker, it's better for the enviroment and a much healthier option than driving

[/ QUOTE ]

I drive, ride a motorcycle, mtb and a horse.

Round here at 3.30 pm, if you're on a bicycle...you're DEAD MEAT

I would love to ride a bike to work, but as an area manager covering an area from Southampton, to Cornwall to Haverford West to Worcester, it ain't going to happen

There are good and bad drivers in all shapes sizes and genders, but it is this idea that the road is a race track that bothers me. Roads are full of nutters these days

 

[Scribbles]

One word: car pool.


ETA: That was tongue in cheek by the way, I realise none of you can see me laughing at myself, gratefully.

 

[Spudlet]

QR

This made me chuckle, if I had a lorry I would definitely want a Nick sticker for it