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Kirstd33

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Ok, so my daughter and I have been riding 2 lovely horses for over a year now, on a part share basis since coblet went lame last spring and subsequently retired. 95% hacking although the owner has taken me once for a jump lesson and recently to a farm ride but generally riding from her house. We also knew she liked things doing in a particular way as at the start she would pull us up on not washing them a particular fashion, general stable care etc but we just accepted it of course as “her horses, her ways” and everyone does things differently? And for the past 12 months I’d say we had a lovely relationship, often we ride solo but it’s also been lovely to ride with her on her other horse. I’d say we are good sharers who always do above what expected on the jobs front, clean, tidy. pay when we ride and we’ve been trusted on several weekends to look after the horses when they’ve gone away. The past few weeks we haven’t been able to ride much (me due to thyroid surgery and my daughter due to driving lessons and a level mocks) so I’ve started back this week and ridden 5 times in 7 days. She’s had a bit of a bee in her bonnet about the horses being ridden correctly into a contact to build up muscle and yesterday had me trotting on an increasingly shorter and shorter rein in order to get him to drop his head carriage and said half jokingly said “if you can’t get him to, you can’t ride him” then today we went out and rode through a spring loaded gate which I pushed open As i have a million times ride though before it shut anyway near my horses bottom but she launched into a tirade that I’d not opened it enough and had it crashed on his bum he’s never go through a gate again etc. I felt awful. It’s worth saying that this horse wouldn’t hack alone 12 months ago and would never open a gate it’s me that’s been taking him out solo for 12 months. We rode back in silence and there was a definite stilted atmosphere back at the house. I apologised for the gate incident again and left. Daughter and I love these horses and the arrangement we have but stressed at the beginning we were happy hackers only and it’s our fun and relaxation time together. We re not Grand Prix riders but gentle, quiet riders who are actually really sensible.
Am I being overly sensitive as I’m just 2 weeks post half thyroid removal? Any advice appreciated if you’ve read my war and peace!
 
Her horses, her way is right but i sounds like you have helped this horse and the owner has a go at you for nothing. Did it crash on his bottom? Was he traumatised? I have had sharers and I doubt I'm the easiest owner but I have always tried to tell people politely how I want things done. Funnily enough my sharer did actually let me horse rush through a gate and he knocked himself and was always twitch after that. I wasn't there but she told me and I wasn't cross. Sometimes these things do happen.
And after a year its a bit late to start telling you she doesn't like how you ride her horse!

I would have a look elsewhere.
 
I agree. She’s maybe had a bad day/few days and everything and nothing is setting her off. (Currently in one of those moods and had to apologise to OH for it the other day 😂)

Continue going as you would and see if she’s better in the next few days since you both get on so well with the horses.
 
Kirstd33 said:
had me trotting on an increasingly shorter and shorter rein in order to get him to drop his head carriage
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Interesting approach.

I agree you've done absolutely nothing wrong here. Maybe your being absent (for very valid reasons!) has irritated her and she just can't express that in a sensible way. I hope she gets over whatever it is, you do sound like lovely sharers and if she drives you away I suspect she will miss you!
 
Lady Jane said:
Her horses, her way is right but i sounds like you have helped this horse and the owner has a go at you for nothing. Did it crash on his bottom? Was he traumatised? I have had sharers and I doubt I'm the easiest owner but I have always tried to tell people politely how I want things done. Funnily enough my sharer did actually let me horse rush through a gate and he knocked himself and was always twitch after that. I wasn't there but she told me and I wasn't cross. Sometimes these things do happen.
And after a year its a bit late to start telling you she doesn't like how you ride her horse!

I would have a look elsewhere.
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No there was plenty of time for him to walk through the gate, it didn’t touch a hair on his bum or crash to a close, she just deemed that didn’t push it open wide enough to give myself enough time. She just launched into one telling me that I could ruin a horse for life if he had a bad experience with a gate, all points I am aware of. It’s been a really lovely situation but the past couple of days have upset me x
 
I’d call her out on it and say that she made you feel not good enough for her horses, but in your mind you felt up until that point you had been a good sharer and the dynamic was working well. Ask her directly if she wants to continue because for you this is your down time and you don’t need to be feeling bad about it.

Sounds like she has just as much to loose as you have, given you are doing jobs and sole charge when they go away.
 
I would say from the sounds of it she has something going on in her personal life and unfortunately you and your daughter are on the receiving end.

I understand that having a share can be difficult, but the fact that the horse didn't hack out alone 12 months ago, but does so now and happily does so, is a great testament to your skills as a rider - it's not an easy thing to achieve!

I would continue as things are, turn up for your next session and if things still seem offish, grab a cuppa on neutral ground (a fave coffee shop or something) and have a chat to her x
 
In the time you've not been riding much, is it possible she's had other people riding instead and now wants to break off your arrangement so is looking for ways to make it your fault?

Or has she realised how much she's come to rely on you and it's made her feel uneasy, hence why you're in the firing line?

Or was she just having a bad day as it was, and not having had anyone else but her around her horses for a while it made her see fault in anything and everything someone else did?

If it were me, I'd just ask to have a chat about things given that you've had a bit of time away so you can catch up on what's been happening, and if she doesn't bring it up during that chat I'd say that I'd been left upset and confused after your last ride, explain why, and ask if there was any reason for why she was treating you differently.
 
PurpleSpots said:
In the time you've not been riding much, is it possible she's had other people riding instead and now wants to break off your arrangement so is looking for ways to make it your fault?

Or has she realised how much she's come to rely on you and it's made her feel uneasy, hence why you're in the firing line?

Or was she just having a bad day as it was, and not having had anyone else but her around her horses for a while it made her see fault in anything and everything someone else did?

If it were me, I'd just ask to have a chat about things given that you've had a bit of time away so you can catch up on what's been happening, and if she doesn't bring it up during that chat I'd say that I'd been left upset and confused after your last ride, explain why, and ask if there was any reason for why she was treating you differently.
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That is a possibility as the one horse (the ID that my daughter rides) already has another teenage sharer that rides him in the week whereas my daughter can only ride at the weekend due to college. However the OTTB I ride is a little more complicated and nappy so not such a straightforward ride.
Out arrangement was never supposed to last this long as coblet was rehabbed after surgery in the hope of being ridden again but sadly hasn’t, b ur I would hope that if it doesn’t suit anymore that she would just say and it end on a lovely note as still friends ?
 
ihatework said:
I’d call her out on it and say that she made you feel not good enough for her horses, but in your mind you felt up until that point you had been a good sharer and the dynamic was working well. Ask her directly if she wants to continue because for you this is your down time and you don’t need to be feeling bad about it.

Sounds like she has just as much to loose as you have, given you are doing jobs and sole charge when they go away.
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Well I would think she has a bit to lose as there are 2 of us who can ride together and she likes the horses fit but doesn’t have the time
to keep 3 in exercise. But I guess there are lots of other riders looking for shares?
 
smolmaus said:
Interesting approach.
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That reminds me of when I was a teenager and I used to ride a lot of horses and ponies on the yard for people. One lady randomly asked me to ride her Connie and as I was schooling him- circles, shapes, bit of lateral work to get him to soften, she came over and told me that you have to pull at his reins alternatively (ie see saw) to get him in, and keep him in, a frame.
He was as stuffy as anything and I felt that hoiking the front end in was the worst thing to do, and told her as such and said that I didn’t feel that would be beneficial for him.

So she asked me to get off (which she had every right to do, obviously) and ten minutes later an adult male rider off the yard was on it, who see-sawed its head into its chest while booting it in the ribs. Afterwards, he proudly showed off the blisters on his ring fingers, caused by his fight with this horse’s mouth.

I was 13 years old and it was one of the first times it really occurred to me that some people with horses, even those who had had horses for longer than I’d been alive, were idiots.
Thankfully, I still had about 7 regular rides at the time whose owners appreciated my approach.

That always sticks in my mind!
 
I would probably turn up as usual the next time - and if all is well put it down to something else going on with her private life that you unfortunately took the brunt of.

If it happened again, I would try really calmly have a frank but honest conversation.

If she has unsaid things that have been brewing for a while she could nit pick and nit pick away for some time without plucking up the courage to ask you to leave.

If she's having a terrible time outside of horses she might apologise.

I wouldn't keep going and repeatedly having my confidence chipped away at, it's summer and lots of horses need more exercise than their owners can give. If your happy doing chores and paying to ride a nappy OTTB then I'm sure you'd find someone else if for some reason the relationship has broken down with this owner.
 
Polos Mum said:
I would probably turn up as usual the next time - and if all is well put it down to something else going on with her private life that you unfortunately took the brunt of.

If it happened again, I would try really calmly have a frank but honest conversation.

If she has unsaid things that have been brewing for a while she could nit pick and nit pick away for some time without plucking up the courage to ask you to leave.

If she's having a terrible time outside of horses she might apologise.

I wouldn't keep going and repeatedly having my confidence chipped away at, it's summer and lots of horses need more exercise than their owners can give. If you’re happy doing chores and paying to ride a nappy OTTB then I'm sure you'd find someone else if for some reason the relationship has broken down with this owner.
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That’s it, I don’t want my confidence depleted as I’m already not the most confident rider and have really low self esteem.
 
You've given her two chances, so I wouldn't give her a third one.

If it occurs again then say something. You can make it about you, not her. I think it needs to be in the moment / at the time, or people often forget what they said or make it out to be a smaller deal than it was.


"I am not the most confident but I thought I gave the gate plenty of space - what did you see that I didn't to make you need to say that"
or
"It might be my recent operation but that makes me feel terrible, would you rather I didn't school and just hacked out from now?"

If she doesn't want you there, then you may as well flush that out sooner rather than later before you've had load and loads of unpleasant experiences.
 
Kirstd33 said:
Well I would think she has a bit to lose as there are 2 of us who can ride together and she likes the horses fit but doesn’t have the time
to keep 3 in exercise. But I guess there are lots of other riders looking for shares?
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Yes, but not riders who ride the horses well and are trustworthy and valuable assistants. I would think she has a lot to lose.
 
Time for Tea said:
Yes, but not riders who ride the horses well and are trustworthy and valuable assistants. I would think she has a lot to lose.
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Indeed. I know of a local lady who was constantly looking for sharers. She was also the "her horses, her ways" kind of person, which is fair to an extent, but was so negative and nit-picky she drove away every single one of them. She ended up paying my friend to exercise them, and eventually drove her off too when the hassle was far too much to make the money worth it! Has to be a bit of give and take if you want good people to stick around.
 
as an owner, with a sharer, I do often find it hard when others don't do things my way, but I'm not great at saying anything, so it might be that she's been holding back for a while?

maybe just have a chat with her! as she probably feels really horrible for the way she reacted too!!

also could there have been a chance that from where she was when you went through the gate that it looked a lot closer than it was in reality?

Recently I've had a moment where my horse has stopped for a poop and without hesitation my sharer lifted her legs and booted her in the ribs! I physically winced! and said "oh poo time" but inside I felt really upset, as there has never been an occasion where I've had to kick my horse, a squeeze is always enough! but i've seen my sharer, and other friends who ride occasionally all go in for a big kick, and I feel so bad for my horse! but 99% of the time they ride really well and I have no issues, its just this one little thing.....

so I wonder if your owner might have similar thought, or has her physio said that the horse needs riding in a contact more?
 
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