(or, more accurately, not doing much Eventing)

HotToTrot

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Joined
23 November 2009
Messages
1,911
I wouldn't be able to tell you how I knew. I did know, though; I normally do. I normally know and I'm normally (implausible though it may seem, under most circumstances,) right. I suppose it's an instinct developed by years of riding around the marshes of East London. It's a pattern that my subconscious has built up, the ability to recognise the body language, the near-invisible signs, to read them correctly, and to know. I saw the dog well before it saw me. It was some way off and it was snuffling at the grass, off the lead. I didn't like the look of it. It looked alert, interested, and fast. As I was still a fair distance away, I thought that perhaps I could get out of sight before it noticed me, so I trotted on up the hedge line. It noticed me. It froze, for a fraction of a second and then, ears flat to its head, legs working in frenetic pairs, it was at P(C)arrot's heels, barking and snapping. P(C)arrot broke into a canter and I let him go. He's not the most relaxing horse to take on a hack at the best of times, and I figured that if I could maintain some forward momentum, then I would at least keep some form of control. Add to which, there was a chance that the dog would lose interest if I just kept going - they sometimes do. As I neared the end of the marshes, though, I realised I had trapped myself. A train line ran in front of me, a wire fence to my left, a concrete path to my right. Turning back the way I had come would excite the dog still further and now, as P(C)arrot, plunging and leapt, I knew I was living on borrowed time. It happened quickly. Even as I slowed P(C)arrot down to consider my options, the dog overtook me, leapt up at P(C)arrot's chest and my horse span round, depositing me on the floor and belting off, stirrup leathers flapping.

I rang the yard. "He's coming back in" I said. "Please could you come out and get him?" Then I stomped off across the marshes to the dog owner. He started to apologise, but I cut him off.
"Not good enough." I said, curtly. "Really. Not good enough." What's your name?
"My name?" he said. "I'm not giving you my name."
"You were completely out of control of your dog", I said, "and I am going to report you. What's your name?"
"I'm not telling you my name!" he retorted.
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME?" I barked (snappily).
"Ok, ok," he huffed, it's [Donald Trump]. I pawsed to think for a second.
"What's your number, [Donald]" I asked, doggedly determined.
"My number?" he asked, surprised. Then he said (slightly bitchily) "You can't have my number."

Now, I wasn't looking my best. I had helmet hair. I was covered in mud. I'm not particularly attractive at the best of times. But come on. Never, in the early hours of a weekday morning, my clothes a state of disarray, my dishevelled appearance testimony to the vigorous exercise I've been undertaking, never in those circumstances have I been met with such blatant, outright rejection when I've asked a man for his number.

I repeated my question. He started to reel off his number. At this point, I have to admit, I was feeling a bit smug. I'd struck the right balance; firm enough to get what I wanted, dispassionate enough not to let it escalate. Well played, me. Except, you've spotted the flaw, haven't you? This is me. There's no chance of me coming out of this without making a fool of myself and, sure enough, as soon as I tried to take down his number, I fumbled about in a slightly inept manner, failed completely to put his number in, and dropped my phone in the mud. My composure shattered, my upper hand completely lost, I squelched my phone out from the mud of Walthamstow Marshes and then, shamefaced, my steely voice and hard eyes disappearing entirely, I said. "Erm, sorry, uh [Donald], would you remind repeating that for me, please?"

After all that, P(C)arrot had some heat in his leg, so we withdrew from Poplar.

Then we traipsed three hours due west for The Dressage Test Formerly Known as Gatcombe. After all the showjumps blew over in the wind and the event was abandoned, we traipsed three hours back home again.

The next weekend, we traipsed three hours due east to the Land of the Inbreds. To absolutely everyone's astonishment, the dressage judges quite clearly know a fellow Inbred when they see one and, as a mark of solidarity with Inbreds near and far, they gave me a sub-40 dressage mark; the first recorded instance of such a thing in the history of the P(C)arrot/Inbred relationship. The judges weren't the only ones exhibiting some odd behaviour that day. As I raced around getting ready to walk the XC, my mother wandered up.
"I do like this one, Viv", she said. "He's much nicer than some of the ones you've had, seems ever such a nice horse." I stared at her. My mother has never knowingly liked a horse in her life. "Is he called Cabbage, this one?" she continued.
"Cabbage?" I replied, startled. "No. No, mum, he's not called Cabbage."
"I thought he was named after a vegetable," she mused. "Onion?"
"NO! I yelled. No, my horse is not called Onion!"
"And, is he six?" she enquired.
"Are you still talking about my horse?" I said, nervously. <<Yes, he's six and I took him two-star last year as a five year old....And he did his first Advanced when he was one...>> "No," I smiled. "Bit older." And with that, I ran away, leaving the small child with my mother and taking only husband and baby with me.

When I got back to the trailer, my daughter was sitting on Parrot-Carrot-Cabbage-Onion, whilst my BFF tried to talk her daughter (my god-daughter) into having a turn. "NO!!! Shrilled my small thing. "It's my hat!" Emily can't wear my hat! Parrot's my pony!"
"Rosie," I chided her, you can share. "Please would you give Emily your hat, and let Emily have a turn on Parrot?" My husband removed Rosie's hat. Rosie started to cry. Beside me, my god-daughter began whimpering.
"Oh, look", I said. I need to showjump in about three minutes. Everyone moved off to the showjumping. I still had just about enough time, but I was going to need to get a wriggle on, so I finished tacking up and went to grab my hat. The car was locked. I sighed, tied P(C)arrot back up and trudged over to the showjumping. There, my husband prowled the far side of the warm up, waiting for me to arrive. I waved, trying to get his attention. Nothing doing. I jumped up and down. No acknowledgement. Finally, after an array of charades depicting an inebriated goblin with a sparse knowledge of semaphore, I managed to catch his eye. (Which is more than I can say about [Donald Trump].

"What do you need?", he asked, realising instantly what had happened.
"My hat..." I said, slowly. "And the car key."
As I made my way back across the lorry park for the 59th time, I started to feel the fear. I'd had a bit of a funny jumping session before Burnham Market, where some old habits had crept back in and I'd been a fool, causing my poor horse to stop. I have a new theory on my many mistakes, though, (I'll bore you with it another time) and now I knew that I needed to put it behind me and to man up. So I manned right up, I rode on in and my super horse jumped a perfect clear round. Suddenly, the long journey, the child hat-swapping dilemma, the cancelled Gatcombe, the Poplar that wasn't, the rejection by [Donald Trump] all of that faded into oblivion as I cantered out of the ring, so thrilled with my horse (and with myself, for managing not to be an idiot).

The XC rode well, I took some tight-ish lines and we came back clear. Next I'm off to South of England! Oh, no, wait, I'm not. That's been abandoned too.....
 

TinselPuff

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Joined
24 October 2012
Messages
4,760
I've missed your threads :D, I do hope the weather bucks up and events stop being cancelled! Hope P(C)arrot's leg is ok after the dog incident, and well done on a double clear very impressive :).
 

Levrier

I ❤️ Scotland 😊
Joined
9 July 2012
Messages
14,644
T'was a lovely day at Gatcombe on the Friday when I was there..... ;) :) :) Luckily my YO was about last to go XC on Saturday before they abandoned, talk about good timing! Great report as ever :)
 

TPO

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Joined
20 November 2008
Messages
4,905
Location
Kinross
Yay, you're back!!!

Did anything happen with Donald Trump? Did you report him? How terrifying to be chased and have the dog actually jump up on (P)Carrot. So sick of people with bad mannered, untrained and dangerous animals!!
 

FfionWinnie

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Joined
20 July 2012
Messages
17,010
Location
Scotland
Did he give you his number or a fake one?? I hope you reported his ass. (He deserved it for not wanting to give you his number!).

Oh and er well done. Where are the pics (of the horse not the idiot and his dog).
 

star

Well-Known Member
Joined
22 August 2001
Messages
6,781
Location
Woking, Surrey
Well you've done better than me! So far we've had Tweseldown cancelled. Goring I withdrew as knew the ground wouldn't suit him as we were 594th to go of the weekend! Now SOE abandoned. I have all fingers and toes crossed for Hambleden as otherwise I'll be off to Badminton without a run since last September!
 

HotToTrot

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Joined
23 November 2009
Messages
1,911
Oh HTH, ruddy excellent :biggrin3: write up as usual - where did you come at the Land of the Inbreds?
Ha - probably last.

I've missed your threads :D, I do hope the weather bucks up and events stop being cancelled! Hope P(C)arrot's leg is ok after the dog incident, and well done on a double clear very impressive :).
Thank you!

Are you absolutely sure that is a P(C) expression?!! :wink3::wink3:

Top effort though!
Dunno. Just parrot back what I hear, innit.

I have SO missed these posts.
Bad luck, I am back....

Good to see you back - congrats on the clear and I will cross my fingers for some drier weather.
Thanks!

Yay, the season's def started now!
Sort of!

Lévrier;13226307 said:
T'was a lovely day at Gatcombe on the Friday when I was there..... ;) :) :) Luckily my YO was about last to go XC on Saturday before they abandoned, talk about good timing! Great report as ever :)
That was lucky! They were almost going to pull the last remaining Novice horses.

Yay, you're back!!!

Did anything happen with Donald Trump? Did you report him? How terrifying to be chased and have the dog actually jump up on (P)Carrot. So sick of people with bad mannered, untrained and dangerous animals!!
I did and the rangers rang him and told him off. He told them it was my fault for startling his dog....

Glad it's not just me that gets chased by dogs, at least your hell-best owner didn't end up crying! :mad:
Did you make one cry?!

Did he give you his number or a fake one?? I hope you reported his ass. (He deserved it for not wanting to give you his number!).

Oh and er well done. Where are the pics (of the horse not the idiot and his dog).
It was actually the right number!

Great to have one of your reports again! Well done on manning up - not always easy. Hope you get out again soon.
Thanks!

Great report and well done on Inbred performance. How's Vito??
Vito! He is doing trot work and should be home over the summer.

Well you've done better than me! So far we've had Tweseldown cancelled. Goring I withdrew as knew the ground wouldn't suit him as we were 594th to go of the weekend! Now SOE abandoned. I have all fingers and toes crossed for Hambleden as otherwise I'll be off to Badminton without a run since last September!
Yikes - hope they run!

Double clear and a decent dressage score, well done, onwards and upwards (when it dries up)
Thanks!

Excellent (hilarious) post as usual :)
Thank you.

So glad the eventing season has started and you are back!!
I hope I'm back and some events will actually run!

Thanks!
 

CAH7

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Joined
3 November 2009
Messages
547
Yay!! Welcome back! :) :)

Sorry to hear about the dog incident - poor you and poor P(Carrot/Cabbage/Onion).

Awesome result though, I'm so impressed, and well done for actually getting a run :).

Great to hear Vito's on the mend.

Can't wait til the next fabulous instalment :) :).
 

HotToTrot

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 November 2009
Messages
1,911
Absolutely love your reports HTT, so well written and very entertaining.
Ha, the comedy of errors...

How very frustrating for you but I enjoyed your report :)
Thank you!

Fabulous as ever! Well done on double clear!
Clever pony.

Loved your report. Double clear...wow... and you almost just gloss over that bit!!! How's Vito?
Well it's all down to the horse! Vito should be back in a couple of months.

Fab report! Have been looking out for this :)

How is Vito doing?
Hopefully doing well. He's off at a rehab yard and I hope to get him back this summer.

Brilliant, as ever ! :)
Ha, thanks!

Hurray...you're back! Looking forward to hearing about all your eventing adventures.
Or misadventures!

Yay!! Welcome back! :) :)

Sorry to hear about the dog incident - poor you and poor P(Carrot/Cabbage/Onion).

Awesome result though, I'm so impressed, and well done for actually getting a run :).

Great to hear Vito's on the mend.

Can't wait til the next fabulous instalment :) :).
Thanks, yes, poor pony. He really does not like dogs!
 

Curly_Feather

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Joined
16 September 2014
Messages
55
Brilliant update! Very glad you two are okay after your dog encounter, it can get frightening and dangerous very very fast.

I've had my share of run-ins with dogs on outrides. I carry an extra long dressage whip. I've taught my horse to charge directly at dogs that come at us, and I have zero reservations about hitting dogs that lunge at my horse.
 

HotToTrot

Well-Known Member
Joined
23 November 2009
Messages
1,911
Brilliant update! Very glad you two are okay after your dog encounter, it can get frightening and dangerous very very fast.

I've had my share of run-ins with dogs on outrides. I carry an extra long dressage whip. I've taught my horse to charge directly at dogs that come at us, and I have zero reservations about hitting dogs that lunge at my horse.
I carried a long whip on Vito, though never used it. (I threatened to, once!) But Parrot has a bit more to say on the subject of dogs than Vito did, and I suspect it may not end well.
 
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